Sunday, April 7, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #376



















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"You just lay there while I do all the work."--Don Don (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...now they give us the Capitol building in bed with a woman -- and the building is taking up like 80 percent of the bed. The symbolism is ham-handed enough to draw more entries that we've had here in months. Lots of terrible puns and obvious sex metaphors. You just knew there would be a bevy of caps suggesting politicians screw their constituents. D.D. took the sexual symbolism a step further.)
SECOND PLACE
"I'll put out when you do."
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When you think about it, kind of a crude variation on “the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
THIRD PLACE
"How many fucking positions do you have?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually only one: Lie there and do as little as possible. Also hard to tell if "fucking," as used here, is an adjective or a noun.)
HONORABE MENTIONS
"Funicello, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

R.I.P.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit awkward but not without merit. Combining a tribute with a classic cap has yielded a cap that inquires about the health of someone who recently died.)


"Tonight, YOU'RE going to be the hard-working middle class American and I'M going to be the career politician. Now go get my strap-on, bitch."--NAMBI (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This assumes the Capitol Building has a rear entrance, which it probably does. Remember Larry Craig, the senator caught trolling for sex in an airport men's room? Washington big shots don't do role playing any more.)
"This time you should wear the handcuffs."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is the type of suggestion that can strain a relationship. Not to be wonkish, but this could be a reference to a balanced budget amendment. )
Come, senators, congressmen . . .--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our requisite Dylan nod. Thanks! If politics has taught us anything in recent years it's that the loser now will be later on to win – just like Bob said.)
I'm sure glad Pelosi is gone.
Now, every time I call the Speaker, I get a Boehner.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Congratulations you found a way to pop a boner pun in here. A long way to go to squeeze out a joke Beavis would tell Butthead.)
"You don't exactly fill 'er, buster, if you know what I mean."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another pun pounded in with the grace of jack-hammer. This is included only to shame whoever entered it. )
"And that's how you build a 1/150 scale model of the U.S. Capitol. Shit, I'm talking to myself again."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well...at least someone is trying explain away this idiotic cartoon. She's a lonely women, so she build something with a pointy top. A bit depressing, yet slightly imaginative.)
"We always seem to end up oriented sideways in bed. It's probably because you constantly push me to the right while fucking me."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A big picture comment about the way Washington rolls, but the first part is confusing. What if it just said: “You constantly push me to the right while fucking me." Still not any good but it makes the same point and is not as long.)
"Well, at least Obama had two balls."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Without even clicking the link, I know this brings us to a photo of the president's scrotum. I mean, if it's simply confirming that there were two gala events to celebration his re-election you haven't brought much to the party – Have you Ms. H.? )
"Honey, take that stupid off your head."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This appears to be missing the word “thing,” or maybe it suggests stupid is something you wear.  If only it was that easy. Either way it's another shot at the fat cats in Washington, And you know they're reading this. )
"Forget screwing the country- you're screwing the Evrolet girl now."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay then. We finally get a peek inside Evrolet girl's bedroom, which naturally includes a huge bed etc. We also learn that she has a great sense of irony and an unusual sexual fetish. Got it.)
Evrolet lobbyist in bed with Congress--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remarkably, this is the only cap that actually said someone was “in bed with congress” which seemed painfully obvious. )
Goodnight Moon and goodnight Stars
Goodnight NASA mission to Mars


Goodnight taxes, goodnight sharing
Goodnight compassion, Goodnight caring



Goodnight freedom, goodnight hope
Goodnight equality and legal dope



Goodnight democratic nation
Goodnight welcomed immigration



Hello Tea Party, hi, Fox News
Hello Christianity, get lost Jews



Hello Church, howdy Steeple
Move on Muslims and dark people


Goodnight poor folks, shove off, needy
Hello Right Wing, Hi there, Greedy--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:

I share your concern, but your assessment's absurd
Like many of your captions, it smells like a turd

And not to diminish your skills, or your creativity inhibit
But your entry is 66 words – well over the contest limit)

"Not tonight, honey. Johnny B.'s poem kind of killed the mood."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any idiot can tear people down and hurl insults, but doing it every week in a timely manner – that's the real challenge.)

109 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"Where's the 'Washington Monument'?"

Anonymous said...

"Gretchen said you did nothing more than feel her bust all night."

Anonymouse said...

"You don't exactly fill 'er, buster, if you know what I mean."

Anonymouse said...

Oops. Sorry, Anonymous.

REX said...

"I wished for a good fucking and this is what I get? I should have been more specific."

boneguy said...

Sequester? Man, I hardly know her.

Anonymous said...

"And this must be the other ballroom."

boneguy said...

If you didn't like my member, I've got another 534 you can try.

Anonymous said...

"Even though I voted for Romney I'm all for really large government."

Tim H said...

"Well, Bill, what kind of Act did you have in mind?"

Kathy H said...

"You're my favorite Branch."

Anonymouse said...

"You want a Foggy Bottom? Go to the State Department."

Anonymous said...

Obama is right. You need more black members.

Dr Sumguy said...

"So ... This is 'Capitol Punishment'!"

boneguy said...

I'm sure glad Pelosi is gone.
Now, every time I call the Speaker, I get a Boehner.

Shelly said...

"I don't care how many members you have that were elected- I just need one that's erected."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm getting turned on, by your 'Underground Capitol Visitor's Center'!"

Anonymous said...

"The only thing worse than same sex marriage is no sex marriage."

Anonymous said...

"I'm tired of waiting for the fistful clit."

JohnnyB said...

This is the first time I've had sexual Congress

JohnnyB said...

Politics does make strange bedfellows. Hit me with the minority whip again

JohnnyB said...

Call another guy to join us? I didn't know you were bicameral.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Jaime, don't you think your taking this 'Latino Congress' thing too far? ... Ooooh, I think I just found your 'Mexican Lowrider'!"

Tim H said...

"Now I know what they mean by special interest."

Anonymouse said...

"And here I thought The Washington Post was a newspaper."

Satireguy said...

"Is it true you're no longer bipartisan?"

smuck said...

"And that's how you build a 1/150 scale model of the U.S. Capitol. Shit, I'm talking to myself again."

smuck said...

"We always seem to end up oriented sideways in bed. It's probably because you constantly push me to the right while fucking me."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Oh No ... Not another 'Capitol Building Model' ... Deja Glue!"

Anonymouse said...

"You're in luck. I subscribe to C-SPAN at Night on cable."

Kathy H said...

"Well, at least Obama had two balls."

Anonymous said...

"The legislative powers here are __________

A) Obscene."
B) Mean."
C) Totally fucked up."

Anonymouse said...

"You call yourself Capitol Building, but I know your real name is Don Draper. Or, Dick Whitman. Whatever."

Anonymous said...

"I'll put out when you do."

JIm Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Men will put on any facade to get laid."

Anonymous said...

"I'm not like those dumb blondes who will fuck just about anythhhhh..body."

Shelly said...

"Forget screwing the country- you're screwing the Evrolet girl now."

Anonymous said...

"Funicello, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

R.I.P.

Angus Podgorny said...

Come, senators, congressmen . . .

Angus Podgorny said...

I'm sorry, dear, but teabagging just isn't my idea of a good time.

Angus Podgorny said...

That was the most obscene money shot I've ever seen.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...


"Of course you can screw me, I'm a taxpayer."

Anonymous said...


"Actually, I was looking for only one member."

Anonymous said...

"Damn, my Watergate broke."

Steve_O said...

"Wanna fill my chamber and see if we can reach a quorum?"

Anonymous said...

Based on your performance, you are nowhere near exceeding federal minimal emission standards.

Anonymous said...

"Tell me that's not an unsupported dome."

Anonymous said...

"Hey big boy, want to see my oval orifice?"

Anonymous said...

"I hear you've been screwing the American people."

NJ-to-TX said...

Evrolet lobbyist in bed with Congress

boneguy said...

Let me get my handcuffs and feather boa. I'm in the mood for some Capitol punishment .

boneguy said...

Listen it's been fun but if you don't get off me I'll have to saw off my legs to get to work.

smuck said...

"I've never had a 536-way before."

Steve_O said...

“As if our sex life wasn’t dysfunctional enough already.”

Dr Sumguy said...

"The North Korean's just called. They want you to star in their new flick ... Something about Fallen Olympus!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Capitol Sex just doesn't do it! ... I'm leaving you for the Washington Monument!"

Dex said...

"You've heard of 'Birth of a Nation'? This will be the prequel."

Anonymous said...

"Do you mind if I massage your rotunda?"

Anonymous said...

"You're a way, way better fuck than the Kremlin"

Anonymouse said...

"How 'bout them Nationals?"

smuck said...

Dear Markov chain spammer above: Garkov is better than you at generating cartoon captions.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Politics makes strange bedfellows!"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, I was sleeping there you prick!"

Dex said...

"Well, Obama promised strange."

Anonymous said...

"You wanna get your gun? Maybe we should bring it up for a vote."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Christ, what an asshole spammer.

Shelly said...

"I realize it's supposed to be a closed session, but it feels like there's been a leak."

Anonymous said...

“Hmm, a house of ill repute in a house of ill repute.”

Anonymous said...


"I give all of my Johns a Boehner."

Anonymous said...

R.I.P. Margaret and Annette. I'm really going to miss both of them.

boneguy said...

You're so nice, not like that Lincoln Memorial who is such a monumental loser.

cta said...

"Oh no, looks like there's a stain on this address."

cta said...

"If my husband ever found us like this -- well, hopefully he'd fall through one of those giant holes in the floor."

cta said...

"No hard feelings... I know you've got more impotent things to do."

cta said...

"Try looking for my 'erogenous zone' not my Eurozone."

cta said...

"Christ, what a bunch of assholes."

Tim H said...

"Well, I have the ways, if you have the means."

reid savid said...

"God, that was painful."

Penelope Huffalump said...

"Well, I'm sure of one thing. You fuck over Americans...oh who am I kidding...You fuck over everyone on the planet way better than you fuck me."

Dex said...

"How 'bout just a reach around the aisle?"

Anonymous said...

"As my Japanese friend likes to say, 'I can get you re-erected.'"

Steve_O said...

"I thought you said you were bicameral."

reid savid said...

"My White House model is complete."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's up and to the right of the rotunda ... Oooops, I think the cucumber has left the salad!"

Anonymous said...

"Never had sex with my pimp before."

Bev

Don Don said...

"You just lay there while I do all the work."

Steve_O said...

"Now that's what I call political poling!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Honey, take that stupid off your head."

Satireguy said...

"I see you're circumcised."

NAMBI said...

"Tonight, YOU'RE going to be the hard-working middle class American and I'M going to be the career politician. Now go get my strap-on, bitch."

Disappointed, Patriotic Masturbator said...

"I thought all Capitol Blow-up Dolls came with double-digit inflation."

Dr Sumguy said...

"ATTENTION ... 'Origami US Capitol Plumbing' ... You've got a security breach at 'Los Pantalones'!"

pg13 said...

"Is that 'NO SMOKING' within twenty-five scale feet or actual feet?"

pg13 said...

"This time you should wear the handcuffs."

reid savid said...

"Is it too soon to invite the World Trade Center?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...


"Next."

reid savid said...

"My White House model is finally complete."

JohnnyB said...

Goodnight Moon and goodnight Stars
Goodnight NASA mission to Mars

Goodnight taxes, goodnight sharing
Goodnight compassion, Goodnight caring

Goodnight freedom, goodnight hope
Goodnight equality and legal dope

Goodnight democratic nation
Goodnight welcomed immigration

Hello Tea Party, hi, Fox News
Hello Christianity, get lost Jews

Hello Church, howdy Steeple
Move on Muslims and dark people

Goodnight poor folks, shove off, needy
Hello Right Wing, Hi there, Greedy

Anonymous Coward said...

"Any interest in having a third party join us?"

Anonymous said...

CHRISTIE: I'm not so sure about this. I had to go to Emergency after last time...

BATEMAN: Oh this won't be anything like last time, I promise.

CHRISTIE I don't think so.

(From American Psycho)

Anonymous said...

"Not tonight, honey. Johnny B.'s poem kind of killed the mood."

J Promo said...

"Don't worry about the Washington monument--it meant nothing."

Anonymous said...

"How many fucking positions do you have?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"For $200, I'll do your spire like it hasn't been done before. And for $5,000, none of this gets out to TMZ."

Anonymous said...

"I guess this makes me the Lady of the House."

Anonymous said...

"Let me explain e pluribus unum sex. Y'all are the many, and I am the one."

Jess said...

"Is that a lawn sprinkler or are ya' just glad to see me?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm getting it up the ass again, aren't I?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Note to al: Used as adjective AND noun is called ambiguous.

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