Sunday, March 31, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #375



























WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."

Rest in peace Roger Ebert. The only "somebody" to ever win the real contest.-- ‪Anonymous‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A fitting tribute to film critic Roger Ebert, who succumbed to illness last week at age 70. Turns out, he regularly entered the real Caption Contest and once won the damn thing with the cap included here. The NYer's cartoon handler, Bob Mankoff paid homage with a post that includes a sampling of what he felt were Ebert's best caps. My take: Anyone as smart, savvy and cynical as Ebert most certainly found his way to our Anti-Cap contest from time to time. He will be missed.)
SECOND PLACE
"I lost nearly a dozen friends to crack."--‪smuck‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A decent cap for a pretty crappy cartoon, if you ask me. [And by implication, you did.] Why would an egg recount his woes to a strip of beacon? Why the quill pen? The cap reminds us of that drugs and breakfast exact a heavy toll. A standout only because it was a soft boiled week.)
THIRD PLACE
SALE 1983 "Chocolate Is My Life" Cathy Comic Cartoon Heart Plate- Collectible Porcelain Made in Japan Trinket Dish Valentine Valentine's"Actually, I don't want bacon. I'm just waiting for Kathy H. to give me a couple of links."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Inside jokes usually don't finish in the top three. But this is too good to put down near the bottom. Kathy [pictured above] is a compulsive linker who refuses to get help.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Let's do breakfast."--Anonymous‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminded me of my days in NYC when I was a reporter covering the entertainment biz. PR people always wanted to "do" breakfast. I hated that. Why not drinks after work, I'd say. Of even better, a big-ass dinner at a fancy restaurant. That was a sure way to get me to look at your press release. I never won a Pulitzer – as Mr. Ebert did – but at least I knew how a real big city journalist operates. Good times. Good times.)


"Mine is a life of constant sulfuring."--smuck‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From smuck we also got this: "Since the divorce, I feel like my life is ova." I want to once again remind everyone: Think before you post. I'm not yoking.)

"They keep saying the chicken is involved but that the pig is committed. I don't get it. I just don't get it."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who's “they?” People who spout meaningless drivel? )

"Well, since you asked, I have an unbelievable fear of the anachronistic use of quills by anthropomorphic characters."--‪Kathy H‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hey! Slow down there, Little Miss Big Words. )
"When they put me back together, I ended up with Minnie Mouse's feet!"--Dr Sumguy‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Factually inaccurate. First, they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Also, at best he has her shoes.)
"If I don't attend these food-court-ordered counseling sessions, I'll really be in hot water."--Anonymous‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute. But lazy. Quick tip: When hard boiling eggs, put the eggs in cold water and bring the water to a boil, other wise they'll crack. )

I'm bacon you doctor, please talk me out of ending my egg-sistence.-- ‪boneguy‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First one entered. I knew instantly it would be one of those weeks. You impress no one when you arrive early yet unprepared.)

"My biggest fear is that I'll never get laid again."--Angus Podgorny(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, Angus lays an egg with each cap he pulls out of his butt.)

"Sorry, Doc, but I just can't get over the fact that your first name is Kevin!"--‪Anonymouse‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would you feel more comfortable if it was Hickory Smoked, Turkey or Center Cut. )
"Actually Kevin Bacon and salmonella are separated by 144 degrees."-- ‪Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the Shrink replies: Who asked you? Now let's talk about your mother.)
Why yes we are related. I'm Egg White her brother!"--‪Local Yolkel‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Snow's brother was named Barry—everyone knows that. )
"Yeah, I look like Ham Rove. So fucking what.?"-- Jim Cavanaugh‪ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could be a dig at that swine Karl Rove. Fair enough.)
I'm haunted by the faces of my bacon.--‪JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent cap Johnny! Nice work! Keep up the good work! [And yes I'm being sarcastic] )
I've got to go. I just got a call that after this week's results, Dr. Sumguy is threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge again.-- ‪Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If he actually does it once, he won't be doing it again.)
"Doc, I like to misspell for comic effect. Am I crazy?"--‪Kathy H(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Make fun of me all you want [not that you needed my permission] but ridicule is the residue of envy.)
"Spelling errors drive me crazy. For example: e.g."--‪Greenie Stik-M-Caps‬ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Quick story: I once wrote that the death of beta video tapes was to be discussed at a "mourning seminar" and everyone thought it was masterful pun. That's just the way my life works.)
"Doc, I remember you when you were a part of your daddy's belly and you were both at that store's Complaint Department. Bad fucking idea, wouldn't you say?"-‪NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the shrink says: I remember when you had you head up your mom's butt. I think our time is up. See you next week. )

95 comments:

boneguy said...

I'm bacon you doctor, please talk me out of ending my egg-sistence.

Angus Podgorny said...

"My biggest fear is that I'll never get laid again."

Anonymous said...

"You ask me if I have a Pope complex? Let me tell ya something—I AM Eggs Benedict."

JohnnyB said...

I feel like I'm just involved but you're committed.

JohnnyB said...

I may be cracked but you came to work fried.

JohnnyB said...

She humped me, then dumped me.

JohnnyB said...

Yes, I was desperate to end it. Jumping off the wall was a rash decision. Have you ever done anything, rasher?

NJ-to-TX said...

"The chicken and I had the best sex - we could never even tell which of us came first!"

Steve_O said...

"All right, I admit it. I always came first."

Shelly said...

"Tell me more about the 'super-eggo'."

Anonymouse said...

"Sorry, Doc, but I just can't get over the fact that your first name is Kevin!"

Kathy H said...

"Well, since you asked, I have an unbelievable fear of the anachronistic use of quills by anthropomorphic characters."

Tim H said...

"...and I can never find jeans that fit."

boneguy said...

My wife cheated on me. I think she has some eggs-plaining
to do.

boneguy said...

I really don't believe in an afterlife. I guess that makes me an eggs-istentialist.

boneguy said...

Scrambled, boiled, poached, fried, downed raw by Rocky Balboa. I'd say my future is pretty much fucked.

Dr Sumguy said...

"TGIF ... Fuck It ... I hate Fry-day!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"You ask how many eggs does it take to change a light bulb? ... None of your 'Fucking Business' ... I'm from New York!"

boneguy said...

We may not have much in common but if nothing else we can get fried together.

Satireguy said...

"Why is it always bacon and egg? Why can't it be egg and bacon?"

Tim H said...

"That bastard chef tried to make a soufflé out of me. So, I eggs-acted revenge! And, I feel good about it!!"

Anonymouse said...

"...it's just that I've never seen a Jewish bacon psychiatrist before."

Anonymous said...

"Shoes and gloves but no pants? Am I fucking nuts or what?"

Anonymous said...

"If I don't attend these food-court-ordered counseling sessions, I'll really be in hot water."

Dr Sumguy said...

"My penis is missing ... I think it's somewheres on a milk carton!"

Anonymous said...

"Let's do breakfast."

Anonymous said...

"Ever since I was blown, I can't get hard."

Anonymous said...

"You have no idea what I've gone through."

Jim Cavanaugh

Damon said...

"I don't see you and a baked potato going together. That's chive talk."

Anonymouse said...

"I am the eggman, coo coo ca-choo, coo coo ca-choo."

Anonymous said...

"I'm so eggcited about the upcoming SCOTUS decision on gay marriage that I can hardly sleep!"

Anonymous said...

"I smell baconnnnnnnnnnn!!! Nyum Nyum Nyum Nyum Nyum...."

Dex said...

"My mother? Died in childbirth, as you might have guessed."

Satireguy said...

"They keep saying the chicken is involved but that the pig is committed. I don't get it. I just don't get it."

Anonymous said...

"I can't believe you're using Pam too."

Anonymous said...

"Actually Kevin Bacon and salmonella are separated by 144 degrees."

boneguy said...

My advice. Avoid brown eggs. I've heard they're here illegally .

boneguy said...

(In the Same vein)
I don't treat brown eggs. None of them have
insurance.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I don't think I can survive another Easter Egg Hunt ... And it doesn't help, that my name is Dr Richard Kimble!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm allergic to eggs, and recently have noticed a rash on my pudenda ... However the Mexican skin creme, 'Oil of Ole', seems to help!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I started out as a medium white egg in a carton ... And ended up as an 'Extra Large' in a cartoon!"

Anonymous said...

"Dumpty. Humpberto Dumpty."

Anonymous said...

"Good eggs are few and far between, while 'laying an egg' is always used in the pejorative sense."

boneguy said...

My first wife was a Faberge egg. She left me for a hard boiled beat cop. I then met a cute dame named Daisy and moved back to East Egg.

Kathy H said...

"So, tell me, Doc. Do you Scotchgard™ your furniture?"

Local Yolkel said...

Why yes we are related. I'm Egg White her brother!"

Anonymous said...

"You're Goddamm right I jump from the frying pan into the fire you greasy microwaved side order of pig's ass."

Dex said...

"I fired my last psychiatrist -- he's toast!"

boneguy said...

Listen, after marrying Yolko Ovo, it's no wonder I ended up here.

Anonymous said...

"And then at three days old, a rooster put his pecker right on my shell."

pg13 said...

"Vertical stripes do make you look more lean."

JohnnyB said...

I'm haunted by the faces of my bacon.

Anonymous said...

I, on the other hand, am haunted by the bacon in my feces.

Kathy H said...

"Any issues? Well, I applied to medical school to become a psychiatrist, but -- thanks to affirmative action -- I was edged out by a piece of bacon!".

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'd like to come out'a my shell and the closet!"

reid savid said...

"Will I still go to heaven after I'm aborted?"

Anna Fried said...

Sometimes Mr. Egg, a breakfast sausage is just a sausage.

Anonymouse said...

"...and I like the fact that you use a 50-minute egg-timer for our sessions."

NJ-to-TX said...

"They were all swimming at me, trying to break through my shell, and when I woke up, I realized that I need to be a woman. I mean, I'm a fucking egg, after all."

Lawrence Wood said...

"So I'm on the seder plate -- where I don't imagine you've ever been -- and some guy holds me up and says I'm the symbol of life. I liked that."

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I look like Ham Rove. So fucking what.?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

I've got to go. I just got a call that after this week's results, Dr. Sumguy is threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge again.

reid savid said...

"Do you think there's actually an afterlife when we're cooked or just nothingness?"

boneguy said...

After sex all my wife wants is to be coddled.

pg13 said...

"I'm having a mid-expiration date crisis, and I'm hoping you can prescribe sodium nitrate."

pg13 said...

"Easter's a bitch."

Kathy H said...

"Doc, I like to misspell for comic effect. Am I crazy?"

Anonymous said...

"Actually, I don't want bacon. I'm just waiting for Kathy H. to give me a couple of links."

Jim Cavanaugh

NJ-to-TX said...

"Doc, I remember you when you were a part of your daddy's belly and you were both at that store's Complaint Department. Bad fucking idea, wouldn't you say?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"At first the sex was 'Sunny-Side-Up', then 'Over Easy' (disguisting), and finally 'Egg-in-the Hole' ... Doc, I can't take it anymore!"

boneguy said...

My wife? She's nothing but a shell of her former self.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...


"Spelling errors drive me crazy. For example: e.g."

Dr Sumguy said...

Is the Baconologist too slimy Yes ( ) No ( ) ... Is HD unstable and going to roll off the couch Yes ( ) No ( ) ... Is this a stupid caption Yes ( ) No ( ).

Anonymous said...

"I've had a hard time waking most mornings and it's been that way for a month or more. I guess I'm not a morning person."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Babe, I'd like to slather u with my SPF 69, If you get my sexual drift !!!"

The Captioneers said...

[R.I.P., Roger Ebert.]

smuck said...

"Mine is a life of constant sulfuring."

smuck said...

"Since the divorce, I feel like my life is ova."

smuck said...

"I wish I was taller."

Satireguy said...

"No one gets my yolks."

smuck said...

"I lost nearly a dozen friends to crack."

Dr Sumguy said...

"This above all, to swine own self be true."

Anonymous said...

"I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."

Rest in peace Roger Ebert. The only "somebody" to ever win the real contest.

Anonymous said...

"What's eating me? You think this is a fucking joke?"

Time traveler said...

"Fo' shizzle my sizzle!"

Satireguy said...

"I'm not really into this traditional breakfast therapy but I'm willing to give it a try."

Anonymous said...

"No Mr. Bacon, I expect you to fry."

Dr Sumguy said...

"When they put me back together, I ended up with Minnie Mouse's feet!"

Anonymous said...

"Costco. Where do you get your glasses?"

boneguy said...

My family? Wiped out at the Des Moines Hyatt breakfast buffet omelette station two weeks ago.

Satireguy said...

"No one said it would be over easy."

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Roleggs' seem to help!"

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