Sunday, March 24, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #374


























WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
As per his request, his disembodied lower half has been dispersed among your plates this evening. Bone appetit.--J Promo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Many Anti-Cappers once again decided if you can't be funny, be gross. This is one of several caps to serve up a cannibalism theme and probably the first cap in the history of the contest to use the word “disembodied” --although it was really not necessary here. Also one of the few caps to explain what the folks assembled are eating and why they look so bummed out about it. This is a hideous cap and “Bone” appetit is stupid, but it wins because Mrs. al in la laughed. That's how much I love her.)
SECOND PLACE
"Who ordered the hit?"--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the shortest caps entered, this references a question often asked in mob films and on the The Sopranos. It's usually followed by “I know I didn't order it.” Took me a second to get why this is funny so it actually made me think, which is rare.)
THIRD PLACE
He could see it coming through the door as he lifted up his fork.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As all the cool kids know, this is from the Bob Dylan song “Joey,” a meandering ode to “Crazy” Joe Gallo that appears on the 1976 Album “Desire.” Gallo was a mobster from Brooklyn who was gunned down in “a clam bar in New York.” The fact that Dylan rhymes “clam bar in New York” with “lifted up his fork” is all you need to know about the genius that is this man. [Dylan I mean, not the mafia guy]. The song also includes one of my favorite Dylan lines:

What time is it?” said the judge to Joey when they met
"Five to ten," said Joey. The judge said, "That's exactly what you get")

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Amen. And now let's raise a toast, a two hundred and some odd pounds piece of toast, and get him the fuck outta here."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is clumsy and awkward. You don't “raise a toast.” Why dead people are sometimes referred to as “toast,” I will never know. Still, there were so many ugly puns this week, this may have been the least offensive.)

"Will tables 4 and 5 now please come up and make their selections?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can just hear them rush to the coffin saying “I'll have leg!”...“Gimme a thigh” ...“Let me have a rib!” More ghoulish commentary and yet another cap that will never see the light of day in the real contest.)
"In honor of his invention of the turducken, the chef was embalmed with a small elderly woman and a stillborn infant tucked inside of him."--Totally Tasteless, but Tasty! (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why stop there? Maybe a rabbit, a hamster and some grubs will add to the flavor—you sick bastard.)
"The cause: Death by chocolate."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You wish. That's a girl thing, Kathy. And why not a link to scantily clad babes licking chocolate off each other? Wouldn't kill you, ya know.)
"Why our beloved Police Chief Tom Harris wanted to be buried in a chef's uniform, we'll never know. But, hey..."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could have been much funnier if it implied the dead man's outfit was due to a type-o on a letter send to the mortician.)

"The bugler will now play Tapas."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's funny about this is that Tim thought the bold face would make it better.)

Enjoy your filet of soul.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works better if you assume they are all in hell and the devil purchased the chef's soul in exchange for a four star review...or something.)
"A terrible accident, indeed. But that is the way with French cuisine; there is very little margarine of error."--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Keep in mind that cta also submitted “I guess he had just run out of thyme..." And so it goes.)
"We come here not to braise Chef Caesar but to curry him. And to serve his most famous dish- Chef's salad."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works if you assume LR is 10 years old.)
"He asked that you gaze down at the empty bowls in front of you as I read the words that immortalized his acting career: 'No soup for you!'"--NAMBI (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, the NY Post had a story last week that said “Soup Nazi actor Larry Thomas is all steamed up.” Seems a gun manufacturer named Serbu Firearms used his image on an anti-gun control T-shirt along with the phrase “No Serbu for You!” I guess the point is pun abuse is rampant and the Soup Nazi is a live and well.)
This is the best we could do. 
Tilda Swinton was busy.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me damn this with faint praise: A very Kathy H.-type entry. )
"He's deader than the Met's hopes now that Santana is out."

Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I lived through the Seaver trade. I will not be cowed. Johan has played his last game for the Mets. Lets move on. )
"His suicide note read: Since there will never be results posted for Anti-Cap Contests Nos. 357, 358 and 359, I don't want to live".--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I do take a measure of perverse satisfaction from his decision. If he had read your entries, Kathy we can bet he died NOT laughing.)
"He said, 'First it's Dr Sumguy who can't spell braille. Then it's Judge alinla who can't spell braille. I guess it was just a case of the blind leading the blind.' And then he croaked."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we see the passive aggressive side of our beloved Anti-Capper Kathy H. Did you ever consider that I used Dr. Sumguy's spelling for comic effect? No? Okay. I understand.)

87 comments:

boneguy said...

As a final gesture, feel free to place money in the casket. Rabbi Goldstein, put away your checkbook.

boneguy said...

You think this is bad? You should have seen last week's upside down crucifixion cake!

NAMBI said...

"Our next course here at the Cannibal's Club is a delightful Italian entree..."

LR said...

"We come here not to braise Chef Caesar but to curry him. And to serve his most famous dish- Chef's salad."

Anonymouse said...

"Ladies and gentlemen: The Chef's Surprise."

Kathy H said...

"His suicide note read: Since there will never be results posted for Anti-Cap Contests Nos. 357, 358 and 359, I don't want to live".

Tim H said...

"After the service, Chef Pierre will be flambéed at the Harris Crematorium on Main Street."

Anonymous said...

"Who had the open faced meatball sub?"

Anonymous said...

"He could no not abide even one more tourist asking for his filet mignon be served 'well done.'"

Kathy H said...

"So, our good friend is now off on his next adventure: Running The End Restaurant in Antalya, Turkey."

Anonymouse said...

Not for nothing, but this brilliant comment was, in fact, posted by Anonymouse

"He could no not abide even one more tourist asking for his filet mignon be served 'well done.'"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Admittingly one of the worst chef's on the planet ... Before you lies his last creation ... 'Cod Sperm with a Wad Sauce'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Burial will be at 3 PM ... The school choir will be singing ... 'Drop it While it's Hot'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Survived by his wife, Play Dough and two children, plus one in the oven. The funeral will be at 3PM for 20 minutes!"

J Promo said...

As per his request, his disembodied lower half has been dispersed among your plates this evening. Bone appetit.

Angus Podgorny said...

One toque over the line, sweet Jesus, one toque over the line.

Angus Podgorny said...

Enjoy your filet of soul.

boneguy said...

His last words were, "Your meal ain't the only thing that's cold."

Anonymous said...

I know it was posted by Anonymouse 'cause of the typo. Sheesh! I give up!

"He could not abide even one more tourist asking for his filet mignon be served 'well done.'"

Anonymous said...

"He was temperamental, but he made a great tit and testicle chowder."

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

He's well....done.

Tim H said...

"The bugler will now play Tapas."

Dr Sumguy said...

"During lowering of the casket, the school choir will sing ... 'Drop it While it's Hot'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And ... Chef Jacque was reknowned for his 'Mushroom Cloud Ejackulations'

boneguy said...

Welcome "Silence of the Lambs" re-enactors. The next course, the deceased's liver with fava beans.

cubshlub said...

After stuffing, it rests for eternity.

Kathy H said...

"He said, 'First it's Dr Sumguy who can't spell braille. Then it's Judge alinla who can't spell braille. I guess it was just a case of the blind leading the blind.' And then he croaked."

Angus Podgorny said...

He could see it coming through the door as he lifted up his fork.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped!" ......(GM)

Dex said...

"Christ, what a hash soul!"

Dex said...

"Chef Bob told me 'no eulogy'--he wanted a roast"

Dr Sumguy said...

"As you all know, Chef Jacque was blind and could not spell ... The menu will be in Braelle."

Jess said...

"Remember friends, he died doing what he loved best: Serving over-priced food in tiny portions to self-absorbed yuppies in a trendy downtown eatery."

Anonymous said...

"I always admired Chef Jacque's discipline and restraint - he limited his offerings to his five best entrees."

Anonymous said...

"And no complaining about the service here tonight. Yeah, Albert, I'm looking at you."

Richard H said...

"Those of you who were served vanilla ice cream, go ahead and eat it. But those of you who got raspberry swirl, that's actually blood. So we'll be collecting those and giving you a cookie plate instead."

Richard H said...

"If you enjoyed tonight's production of 'Four Courses and a Funeral,' please join us next week for 'Sex and the Soufflé'"

boneguy said...

This is the best we could do.
Tilda Swinton was busy.

Dr Sumguy said...

"His last wish was ... He'd like a 'Casket Near a Waiter'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"After the funeral ... I did see Boneguy playing with his hyoid bone in the men's room!"

Tim H said...

"Chef Louis spent four years at L'Ecole de Cuisine and he spent three years at the Culinary Institute of America. However, some critics say he spent seven years in vain."

pg13 said...

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Joe Paterno and this is my friend Jerry who just arrived here this morning. Let me tell you, folks, the recruiting is great here in hell!"

Hello Mudder said...

I guess we now know the answer to 'Whatsamatta for you?!"

Totally Tasteless, but Tasty! said...

"In honor of his invention of the turducken, the chef was embalmed with a small elderly woman and a stillborn infant tucked inside of him."

Jess said...

"Who ordered the hit?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He died of wounds after being battered at his fish & chip shop!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Please bow your heads in homage to Chef Lou Gehrig ... He shoulda seen this coming!"

Tim H said...

"Why our beloved Police Chief Tom Harris wanted to be buried in a chef's uniform, we'll never know. But, hey..."

boneguy said...

His last wish was to be cremated so God wouldn't send him back to the kitchen complaining he was ice cold.

NAMBI said...

"He asked that you gaze down at the empty bowls in front of you as I read the words that immortalized his acting career: 'No soup for you!'"

scroodapooch said...

"Thank you for coming. A 20% gratuity has been added to the bill for your convenience."

Dr Sumguy said...

And he will be remembered for his specialty ... 'Pulled Penis Sandwich' ... It was mouth-watering!"

Steve_O said...

"Chef put himself completely into his work. In fact, that's his liver in the pate."

Kathy H said...

"The cause: Death by chocolate."

Anonymous said...

"A towel rack. I think it would go...something like this."

REX said...

"In the the end, the sight of someone putting ketchup on his signature dish proved too much for our beloved but temperamental chef..."

Anonymous said...

"Amen. And now let's raise a toast, a two hundred and some odd pounds piece of toast, and get him the fuck outta here."

Don Don said...

"He was into reincarnation, so, with that said, let's call it ... “Pulled Chef”... bon appétit’."

Tim H said...

"Does anyone know how to say c'est fin in French?"

Tim H said...

OR...

"Does anyone know how to say c'est finis in French?"

Satireguy said...

"Will tables 4 and 5 now please come up and make their selections?"

Satireguy said...

"We've lost the chef's ring. Will everyone please check their entree for a small, diamond-encrusted gold band?"

Anonymouse said...

"We will all now go into a conclave and pick the next chef."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"It's never good to be late for your last supper."

Anonymous said...


"First there was the poison IV and now this. The hors d'oeuvre! The hors d'oeuvre!"

Jess said...

"For our eulogy tonight we have a warm tribute served on a bed of slightly sweetened memories... MIght I suggest the Chardonnay?"

Anonymous said...

"....and boy are my arms tired. Now take my wife...Please! If they like you in Chicago they let you live. Is this an audience or a painting? It's called a wake, people. WAKE UP!"

boneguy said...

Just before he passed he let The Vatican know if they were still looking for a dead Pope, he was all in.

Satireguy said...

"And now for the main course."

Anonymous said...

"He's deader than the Met's hopes now that Santana is out."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"To answer a question many of you have been asking: Shrimp balls! You have been eating the chef's shrimp balls. Delicious, no?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I said flour, not flowers."

REX said...

"His final request was to serve the city's top restaurant critics one last meal. As you can see, it's a plate of shit."

Steve_O said...

"There's no food and our chef is dead. Go home already."

boneguy said...

Welcome to Cannibal's. Tonight's meat is from a middle aged, well marbled male fed primarily high fat foods diluted with gallons of cheap red table wine and
accented with the smoke of Chinese cigarettes. We suggest pairing with sugar free Red Bull and stale Fritos.

Anonymous said...

"This is my first urology, so I may need help getting it out."

reid savid said...

"Ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine."

Dex said...

"A bier and a toque--that, my friends, is and was Chef Bob"

cta said...

"I guess he had just run out of thyme..."

cta said...

"Well, it's time for his just desserts; to finally meet Saviour Spoon and Pie Allah Mode."

cta said...

"A terrible accident, indeed. But that is the way with French cuisine; there is very little margarine of error."

Anonymous said...

"Well, it looks like we might be here a while again, so I'm going to flip on the warming lights over him."

Kevin Hebbeler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kevin Hebbeler said...

If we stack them all on top of each other when we get to Mt. Sinai, maybe we can get at God's prostate.

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