Sunday, February 24, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #370








WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Koko likes to fling his shit against the wall to see what sticks and George here is also in adveristing."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Except for Steve's inability to correctly spell “advertising,” this is slightly clever [notice I didn't say cleaver!]. Still, who is the guy talking to? Remember, ad people say half of the money spent on advertising is wasted -- but no one knows which half.)
SECOND PLACE
"When I said I found the missing link I wasn't talking about a cocktail sausage."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Something a slightly drunk party host would say to break the ice – if in fact he had an ape at his party. That's why this too is slightly funny but sadly it doesn't have a dirty word. That's just lazy.)
THIRD PLACE
"Frank, meet Theo Epstein. He just flew in from Boston and boy are their arms tired."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Theo, of course, is the baboon who presides over the team of jackasses destined to finish last in the A.L east this year. The tired arms comment gives it street cred because that's something baseball people say. NOTE: Any erroneous info in this comment is included to see who's paying attention. The premise that Boston Sucks is unassailable. )
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Just remember Jenkins, the price of bananas, knuckle walking and Charlton Heston are topics best avoided.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The whole creationism versus evolution thing is probably also off-limits. Would have worked better if it said “knuckle DRAGGING.” )

"Now come on guys! Calm down! Can't we all agree that Fox News AND NPR are both tainted by a political agenda?"--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! NRP is to Fox what Shakespeare is to “The Little Engine That Could.” )
"In this establishment we adhere to the Marquess of Queensberry rules and mandatory standing eight-count. Now, finish your drinks and get to your respective corners."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stupid and confusing. Why are they fighting and wouldn't the ape have his way with Mr. Pasty-Faced White Boy? Never-the-less Kathy once again demonstrates that she knows a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. )
"Don't be scared; it has been two days and the pit bull is almost well enough to eat and the whore that hangs around here is getting the swelling down from the tooth extraction. I just need you two to shake hands and no more sucker punch knockouts Mr. Cheney."--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What? I am totally lost, but if it's ridiculing Cheney I'm on board. Moving forward, let's try and focus on being coherent, Don-Don.)
"Fred, this is Bob Mankoff. He used to be the cartoon editor at some third rate magazine in New York City."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of several captions that leaves it to the reader to assume who's who. Mankoff, of course, is the Grand Exalted Poobah of the Malevolent Order of Caption Contests. I'd bet a $1,000 I could beat him in arm wrestling.)
"Okay, okay. We all agree, if Mankoff has taught us anything, it's that irony is more important that artistic ability."--Charles Addams, Peter Arno, Charles Barsotti ….--(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Signed by a laundry list of cartoonists whose work has appeared in the NYer. Take that Bob "Too-High-And-Mighty-To-Respond-To al in la's-Email" Mankoff.)

"Bob, you have something in common with al. He also judges a caption contest."--NAMBI (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we are left to wonder who's who. I do wear glasses so I'd guessing I'm the one on the right.)
Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a monkey could do it.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Less ambiguous, but can we all agree that the monkey will now need a computer and the willingness to devote his free time to creating merriment for unappreciative sad -sacks who aren't particularly funny?)
"I've got to stay here in this stupid cartoon, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go suck each other off until this thing blows over."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I said this was the funniest thing I've ever heard, I would be doing so only to demonstrate that I know the origin of this cap. I'd really rather see Dylan references, to be honest.)

83 comments:

Damon said...

"Two weeks in a row! How's that for Affirmative Action?"

boneguy said...

Mortimer, meet someone else at this party who likes nits in his martini!

NAMBI said...

SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS, CIRCA 1980:

"George, I'd like you to meet my good friend Karl Rove. You stick with this guy and someday you'll be governor, maybe even president."

Dr Sumguy said...

"George meet Harry ... The inventor of the 'Gorilla Fart' drink!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"The hor d' oeuvre's will be here in a minute ... And yes Harry, I have your favorite ... 'Eats Bush and Leaves'!"

LR said...

"When I said I found the missing link I wasn't talking about a cocktail sausage."

"He's 800 pounds and you've been ignoring him all evening."

Anonymous said...

"Frank, meet Theo Epstein. He just flew in from Boston and boy are their arms tired."

boneguy said...

Gorilla? No, no. This is what happens when my Armenian girlfriend forgets to wax.

boneguy said...

Just remember Jenkins, the price of bananas, knuckle walking and Charlton Heston are topics best avoided.

boneguy said...

Koko's new book just got published, "Gorillas In Our Midst".

Dr Sumguy said...

"George meet Sally ... 'The Gorilla of My Dreams'"

Steve_O said...

"Koko likes to fling his shit against the wall to see what sticks and George here is also in adveristing."

Dr Sumguy said...

"So my tailor kept saying ... MOHAIR! MOHAIR! ... So that's how I met Harry!"

boneguy said...

He's halfway finished filming his dystopian nightmare,"Planet of the Suits."

Tim H said...

"Just be careful, Wilson. When he gets down to the olive, he usually goes ape-shit."

Kathy H said...

"In this establishment we adhere to the Marquess of Queensberry rules and mandatory standing eight-count. Now, finish your drinks and get to your respective corners."

Anonymouse said...

"I'm sure you both have a lot in common. I mean, being alums of the University of Phoenix and all."

Dr Sumguy said...

His hairdresser? ... 'Vidal Baboon'!"

Jess said...

"Now remember, if our party is ever going to reclaim the White House, you social conservatives and you fiscal conservatives are going to have to reconcile."

Faber alumnus said...

"Let me introduce you to Clayton, Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammet, and Lonny -- you'll have lots to talk about!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Woohoo! Finally getting my two favorite niggas together!"

boneguy said...

The National Zoo was shut down with the sequester. Meet your first homeless ape.

Don Jr. said...

"Don't be scared; it has been two days and the pit bull is almost well enough to eat and the whore that hangs around here is getting the swelling down from the tooth extraction. I just need you two to shake hands and no more sucker punch knockouts Mr. Cheney."

Kathy H said...

"No, John will back me up on this. I said your 'were hirsute,' not that you should 'wear a hair suit.'"

Anonymouse said...

"Harry, I would never have guessed that you'd be the guy with the banana daiquiri."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's interested in vertically challenged blonde pussy ... Know any?"

Anonymous Coward said...

"I'm glad I could finally link the two of you."

cubshlub said...

He's the new regional manager of the feces throwing division.

Dex said...

"Simian, meet Simon. Simon, meet simian."

boneguy said...

I also thought he was unusually intelligent, until he picked the Mets to go all the way this year.

Satireguy said...

"Harrison, I'd like you to meet our new VP of Missing Links."

Steve_O said...

"And please don't call him the 'M' word." (Whispers: "No, I mean monkey.")

Satireguy said...

"Og also got his MBA from Olduvai Gorge U."

Satireguy said...

"Fred, this is Bob Mankoff. He used to be the cartoon editor at some third rate magazine in New York City."

Dr Sumguy said...

"George meet Harry Silverbach ... He's looking for a 'Prime-Mate'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"George meet F. Arinze from Nigeria ... A possible pope front-runner!"

NAMBI said...

"Bob, you have something in common with al. He also judges a caption contest."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I've got to stay here in this stupid cartoon, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go suck each other off until this thing blows over."

Brooke Alvarez said...

The humans anesthetized by a digital Goebbels with the pathology of an Eichmann and children manufactured by Mengele? That’s real his-tory! It’s his-tory, not mine. Not Christ’s. The Devil’s History. Corporate humanoids belong to the corporate state. They have no rights.

Rich Lather said...

Thank you for posting your picture, Brooke. Simply beautiful.
Yowza, hub-a-hub, etc.

Gretchen Murgatroyd said...

"Sasquatch in the hiz-ouse. You crazy bastard! How are you? Meet Padraig Hanratty."

G.M. said...

Oh shit, there really is a Padraig Hanratty. Dear Mr. Hanratty, if you see this, please accept my sincerest apology to you and your kin. A man is his name, and I meant no disrespect when I used it to enter this contest. You must admit though, it's pretty fucking ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

"Now come on Todd, you know the rules. Gladys pulled your car keys out of the fish bowl and now you have to fuck her."

Dex said...

"I believe you have a common ancestor, so you'll have lots to talk about!"

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"Lester, this is Harry. Keep an eye on him. One more drink and he'll start flinging feces."


FYI - Flinging Feces would have been the name of my grunge rock band had I any musical talent whatsoever. I know, I know, lack of musical talent never stopped Elmer.

Un-friendme said...

This is MarQuis,Marcel's big brother
Said he's here to kick Ross Geller's ass

Geoff said...

Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?

Geoff said...

It was a poor investment, but at least we got some silver back.

nassim nicholas taleb said...

"Who invited the black guy?"

Kathy H said...

"Gentlemen, brace yourselves. We are now officially Popeless!"

REX said...

"Herman, I'd like you to met Boo-Boo, he works in our accounts receivable department."

boneguy said...

It's his last night of freedom before his overlord at Yahoo
sends him back to the cube farm.

Anonymous said...

"Stan worked at Goldman Sachs and knows what it's like to be incarcerated."

REX said...

"Now come on guys! Calm down! Can't we all agree that Fox News AND NPR are both tainted by a political agenda?"

JohnnyB said...

Sooo, Santorum was right. We let gays marry and now you two want to mate. Well I'm having none of it.

JohnnyB said...

Sooo, Santorum was right. We let gays marry and now you two want to mate. Well I'm having none of it.

JohnnyB said...

Hey, Tarzan, so Cheetah grew up and fucked Jane. That was years ago. Can't you guys make up?

Dr Sumguy said...

"And if weren't for Harry's 'Gorilla Glue', I woulda died from a 'Flomax' overdose!"

smuck said...

"I'll be right back with another martini and a... Are you seriously drinking Schlitz?"

smuck said...

From Downton Abbey, season 5:

"Lady Edith, may I present yet Lord Swithwickham, another old codger whom you will undoubtedly woo."

boneguy said...

Jenkins, meet al's replacement. I told you a monkey could do it.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Found some blonde hairs ... We think he's been cavorting with that Jane Goodall tramp!"

Tim H said...

"Well, this year, apparently, March came in like a gorilla."

Damon said...

"Dearly beloved..."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Have either of you guys seen the couch movers? Or Sondra and her by-the-numbers-guy? Or - the life of the party - the guy who always has the lightbulb on his head?"

Anonymous said...

"And this is 'Kookoo', Koko's brother ... He used his opposable thumb to hitch-hike from the Cinncinati Zoo!"

Jess said...

"It not just that she's an orangutan, she's only 15!...Hi, I'm Chris Hansen and welcome to: "To Catch a Predator, The Lost Episodes."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Meet Stella ... She's a rollerblader for the 'Angry Beavers'!"

Charles Addams, Peter Arno, Charles Barsotti, George Booth, Roz Chast, Tom Cheney, Sam Cobean, Leo Cullum, Richard Decker, Helen E. Hokinson, Ed Koren, Mary Petty, George Price, Charles Saxon, David Snell, Otto Soglow, Saul Steinberg, William Steig, Richard Taylor, James Thurber, Pete Holmes, Barney Tobey and Gahan Wilson. said...

"Okay, okay. We all agree, if Mankoff has taught us anything, it's that irony is more important that artistic ability."

Anonymous said...

"Call me crazy, Carl, but I think this is our best bet for 2016 . . . the little Bush brother that Barbara and H.W. kept hidden all these years.


---left coast wayne

Steve_O said...

"You two have a lot in common. Thompson works in pharmaceutical testing and Koko here is slated for vivisection."

Anonymous said...

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