Monday, February 18, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #369













WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I like to keep my wife's memory alive. She had Marfan's."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While we typically favor crass and stupid over smart and insightful, this references a little-known genetic disorder. Those afflicted by Marfan Syndrome [not Marfan's] are unusually tall, have long limbs and are advised to avoided extreme physical exertion. A good friend of mine has it. He was 6'11'' when he was 15. He could slam-dunk a basketball with ease, but his doctor said he risked a heart attack if he played. Asked if his high school's basketball coach ever tried to get him on the team, I'll never forget his answer: “Every day for four years.”)
SECOND PLACE
"I see by this mirror that the mirror at the other end of my desk has been pinched. Look into it, Watkins, will you?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Equal measures confusing and obvious, simplistic yet still complex. What was Kathy thinking? As usual we can only wonder, but this certainly stands out. )
THIRD PLACE
"To be honest, I think the lady at Michaels might've ripped us off."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references a hobby and craft retail chain that is notorious for a ridiculously broad selection of photo frames. Caveat emptor.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Look in the mirror, Jenkins. Are you hyper-tanned, or perhaps the least-believable black person a New Yorker cartoon has ever featured?"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What the hell is Jenkins supposed to say? And besides work place diversity is not nearly as freakish as the size of the mirror. The purpose of this cap is to once again make a point about the racial composition of NYer cartoons. Got it.)



"Where'd we meet? Well, she was straddling the highway and decided to pick me up..."--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A very appropriate evrolet girl reference. Long term Anti-Cappers are smiling a slight smile.)
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is what Al Franken's alter ego Stuart Smalley used to tell himself when he gazed into the mirror. I personally glare at myself and ask, “What the fuck are you doing with your life, man.” Kind of the same thing when you think about it.)
"Truth be told, Hendricks, I married her for her body."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Successful men like to display their trophies. Reminded me of this: When I was at a B2B publication in NYC some years ago, the boss's son was a self entitled yuppie prick. Total asshole. Luckily, he wanted nothing to do with the likes of me. One day his totally hot wife came in. She was absolutely stunning and at least 10 years younger than him. As they strolled past my cubicle he paused to ask, “Hey Al? Have you meet my wife?” I responded, “No. How ya doin'?” They continued along and I went back to work. It was the longest conversation I had ever had with him.)
It's a picture of Wilt Chamberlain's penis that I found in my mother's trophy case.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a cluster of caps that suggest the elongated picture frame is being used to accommodate a plus-size male member. Fair enough. But even the most progressive work place is likely to have issues a with a dick picture on your desk. )
"I love that picture of Harry Reems."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Appearing in such classic feature films as Deep Throat and The Devil and Miss Jones, Harry proved himself to be big star. )
"...so I said, either print it life-size or Dirk Diggler will be taking his business elsewhere."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Long story short: The threat of losing the business of a fictitious porn star was too much, so they printed it life size.)
"This is an image of you urinating! ... Leroy! ... You have to let out more hose!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which Leroy notes that it's not the meat, it's the motion.)
"The penis photographs here are obscene."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet tasteful, no doubt.)
"Well, Obama did promise frame."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you are reaching for a classic, remember to shake before zipping up.)
Ah, Hopkins, I was just thinking back to a time when it was considered just good manners to thank a fellow Anti-Captioneer for inspiring one’s own Anti-Caption, so as not to be thought of as a sneaky thief of someone else’s comedic brilliance. But, hey, maybe that’s just me.” 

[Thanks again, Dr. Sumguy.]--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thinking? Good manners? Comedic brilliance? These are not words we associate with the Anti Cap.)
"I think the big 'A' ignored a really clever Anti-Caption ... But, hey, maybe that's just me." ... (Thanks Tim H)."--Dr Sumguy, Anti-Captioneer (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again let the big A note that we don't expect you to think. )
"And one last thing, Jenkins. Using big words like 'lassitude' or 'topiary' will get your fired here faster than being black."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Evoking “topiary” suggests a long-term devotion to the contest. I'm cool with that. But if you are a racist who would shit-can someone for being black, why would you hire someone for whom you have such contempt? Even people who don't know fancy words know that.)
A weighty monument, precariously propped with flimsy support--a visual metaphor, no doubt, of an anti-caption contest.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Admit it: Flies swirling around a heap of dung is a more fitting visual metaphor.)
Al posted her with the judging comments on #368. Nice ‘eh?”--which frame I need for the anti-cap unjudged list.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no such word as “unjudged," bonehead. You reveal only your need for validation. )
Mirror, mirror on my desk,
Which is the caption most grotesque?
Will Sumguy mention bowels again
Or Kathy link us to oblivion?
Will al again forget to judge?
For from the couch he will not budge.
Waiting is so bittersweet,
Why not post it as a tweet?
#waitingforal--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very impressive but please know that I don't forget to judge, I choose not to judge. Big difference. Try it some time.)


53 comments:

Shelly said...

"Look in the mirror, Jenkins. Are you hyper-tanned, or perhaps the least-believable black person a New Yorker cartoon has ever featured?"

Anonymous said...

"It came from a bar that had a propped up cardboard cutout bartender."

boneguy said...

It's a picture of Wilt Chamberlain's penis that I found in my mother's trophy case.

Anonymous said...

"Nice, Templeton, but I really don't need a photo of your bitch on my desk."

boneguy said...

It's gotten to the point where I don't know which frame I need for the anti-cap unjudged list.

Satireguy said...

"That's my son Randy, the giraffe."

Satireguy said...

"I love that picture of Harry Reems."

Anonymous said...

"Mirror Mirror on the desk, who is the Most Fucked of the Rest?"

Anonymous said...

"Seabiscut ... 'Why the Long Face'"?

Anonymous said...

"I like to keep my wife's memory alive. She had Marfan's."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"You know Leroy ... In the mirror you look just like Rick James!"

Anonymous said...

“Al posted her with the judging comments on #368. Nice ‘eh?”

Anonymous said...

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Travis said...

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? OK."

Travis said...

"Wait. I'm not the only one here. Douchebag from Accounting is here. You talkin' to him?"

Anonymous said...

"Truth be told, Hendricks, I married her for her body."

reid savid said...

"To be honest, I think the lady at Michaels might've ripped us off."

boneguy said...

We didn't want to be upstaged by that lady played by Sandra Bullock so we adopted Ray Lewis.

Anonymous said...

“I just got it at Hobby Lobby – it’s for Catholic family photos”

boneguy said...

It's a picture of the largest coastal redwood ever found which we then had to cut down to make this giant frame.

Steve_O said...

"...so I said, either print it life-size or Dirk Diggler will be taking his business elsewhere."

REX said...

"They hired me to look at the big picture."

NJ-to-TX said...

"When I was a deaf, dumb, and blind kid, my mom broke one of these. I had a real fucked-up childhood, but I wouldn't have gotten where I am without it."

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is the pork tapeworm I passed last week ... 'Taenia Soreass'"!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Leroy, this is you ... 'A Tall Black Man with One Blond Shoe'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is an image of you urinating! ... Leroy! ... You have to let out more hose!"

cta said...

"Where'd we meet? Well, she was straddling the highway and decided to pick me up..."

boneguy said...

The heat generated from the reflected sunlight seems to have melted our forearms together.

Anonymous said...

"Here, I've got one. Ray Lewis, O.J. and Oscar Pistorius walk into a bar.......And kill everybody."

smuck said...

"The penis photographs here are obscene."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's Monica Lewinsky's blue dress ... The stain is a 'Wad of Bill's!"

Kathy H said...

"I see by this mirror that the mirror at the other end of my desk has been pinched. Look into it, Watkins, will you?"

Anonymous Coward said...

"They wanted a pet giraffe, I wanted a hedgehog."

Anonymous said...

"Uhhh...I didn't know your wife was black too. Does HR know that?"

boneguy said...

You know what makes me feel good, Jenkins? Breaking the desktop frame barrier and for no good reason, thanking Dr. Sumguy.

Anonymous said...

"And one last thing, Jenkins. Using big words like 'lassitude' or 'topiary' will get your fired here faster than being black."

Jess said...

"Her name? I don't really know. We simply call her 'Evrolet Girl.' And yes, I miss her."

Cookiesboy said...

....and that's my autographed picture of Sarah Jessica Parker!

NJ-to-TX said...

"You really can't find many tasteful nude pictures of Dorian Gray."

Dr Sumguy said...

"According to the 'LED Mirror', African-Americans never tip ... That's why I painted my kayak black!"

Anonymous said...

"You're right Stan. These two print outs confirm that the Anti-Cap contest used to get a lot more entries."

Tim H said...

“Ah, Hopkins, I was just thinking back to a time when it was considered just good manners to thank a fellow Anti-Captioneer for inspiring one’s own Anti-Caption, so as not to be thought of as a sneaky thief of someone else’s comedic brilliance. But, hey, maybe that’s just me.”

[Thanks again, Dr. Sumguy.]

Kathy H said...

"It's great to be vested, isn't it, Williams? I mean that in both the financial and the sartorial ways."

Dr Sumguy, Anti-Captioneer said...

"I think the big 'A' ignored a really clever Anti-Caption ... But, hey, maybe that's just me." ... (Thanks Tim H)."

Dex said...

"Why, this big frame is just chockfull of art. Christ, what an artfull!"

Dex said...

"Well, Obama did promise frame."

Anonymous said...

"Satchmo ... It's an image of one of your turd's, entitled ... 'Endangered Feces'!"

Anonymous said...

"Then I blew her up for the one on the right."

Anonymous said...

This what happens when you ask a Quaker to blow something up.

NJ-to-TX said...

"A mirror? You people out there think it's a mirror? With a flimsy flip-out cardboard stand, and what, a weight of about 20 pounds? Precariously propped up on the edge of an office desk?"

Anonymous said...

"Then I snapped the south tower seconds before it went kablooey."

Anonymous said...

A weighty monument, precariously propped with flimsy support--a visual metaphor, no doubt, of an anti-caption contest.

boneguy said...

Mirror, mirror on my desk,
Which is the caption most grotesque?
Will Sumguy mention bowels again
Or Kathy link us to oblivion?
Will al again forget to judge?
For from the couch he will not budge.
Waiting is so bittersweet,
Why not post it as a tweet?

#waitingforal

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.