Monday, March 4, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #371








WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Squeaky Fromme, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is remarkably preceptive. Loonie-Tunes-Charles Manson-follower and bumbling assassin, Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme pointed a loaded gun at unelected-president Gerald Ford in 1975. She never got off a shot, but was still sentenced to life. In a fitting tribute to the low regard Ford engendered when he pardoned Nixon, Squeaky was released after 34 years. [A stern warning work have been more appropriate.] Nixon was a criminal and Ford was a pussy for not sending him to the slammer. Extra credit: Kathy was somehow able to control her impluse to add a link explaining all this.)

SECOND PLACE
"Go ahead and shoot! ... 9 lives vs 6 chambers ... Your toast!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Logical and imaginative, albeit not at all funny. And it's “you're,” a contraction for “you are,” as in: “You're a hypocrite if you flag shit like this when you make mistakes like this in your comments all the time.” )
THIRD PLACE
"I get it...The cartoonist drew a gun."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How can I resist? Hiding in plan sight is an obvious pun. Made me smile slightly for like a nano-second. Good enough for a Bronze metal. That's how low the bar is here.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"So, Irving ... You're the one that shot my paw!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another slightly good pun and a boarder-line grammatical error. It probably should be “WHO shot” but since it's an animal, and not a person it's hard to say. )


"Like you can even hold that thing without opposable thumbs."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Common sense dictates: If someone is pointing a gun at you, don't doubt his competence, say something about his mother or dare him to shoot. Trust me on this.)
"Hickory-dickory-dock, suck on my fuckin' Glock- Owwww..."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's not a Glock, of course. It's a revolver. Still this evokes a mouse-related rhyme. Also, Andrew Dice Clay made millions saying piggish things then he lost it all. Remarkably, another has-been,Woody Allen, is now casting this douche in an upcoming film.)
Have you read my book, "I Have No Goddamn Idea Who Moved Your Cheese"?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References a 23-year old book that encourages worker-bees to eat whatever shit is served up by management. A bland entry but boneguy has been in a slump lately so I decided to throw him a you-know-what.)
"I know what you're thinking. Did he use up nine lives or only eight. Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as that is a .44 Micron, the least powerful handgun in the world, and would touch my head and bounce clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?"--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of several movie references. The trouble with this is that Dirty Harry said it while pointing his gun, not talking is way out of being shot. As such it is deeply flawed, but it does, at least, include the proper use of “you're.” )
"Look. If you leave the gun, you can take the cannoli."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But with a gun, he can have both. That's just the way it works.)
"Just like a gun to bring a mouse to a cat fight."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just like a cat to ignore authority. )
Pussy: I'm Mr. Goldfinger's personal pilot.
Mouse: Oh? Just how personal is that?
Pussy: I'm a damn good pilot. Period.--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another hair ball of a cap. Flawed logic is a constant companion of this contest.)

"Look, Mickey ... I had nothing to do with Minnie's disappearance. Last I heard she was acting strange ... I think she was fucking Goofy!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Then she landed on Pluto, I'm guessing. )

Christ, what a mouse hole.
And
Shut up, Bob. Everyone knows your gun has no clip on.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I didn't suspect he was a stalker, I'd give Johnny my home address to make it easier for him to mail it in. )
"Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few know how to dance!...Sorry. Just kill me now."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the mouse would say “What do you do you do to a cat with three balls?...Walk him, and pitch to the dog"... and then he'd shoot him. )
Okay, okay, it's true: I misunderstood your caption, I insulted you, I tried being clever and failed, I left contests unjudged for months. But I'll change my ways. just don't kill me. I swear I'll do anything you ask.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ouch Johnny! That smarts! Still if you are the mouse and the gun is your wit, the cat knows only blanks will be fired—pointless, ill conceived, unfunny, predictable blanks. My comments, of course, are like glue traps for the likes of you.)

79 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"So Fritz ... How's it feel when the label's are turned?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"What some matter ... Cat got your tongue?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Fritz! ... Meet my Mauser!"

Shelly said...

"Hickory-dickory-dock, suck on my fuckin' Glock- Owwww..."

boneguy said...

I knew more background checks wouldn't get us out of this mess.

boneguy said...

INT. TOM'S HOUSE - NIGHT


Hopelessly Shortsighted Mouse
(threateningly)

"Do you feel lucky, Skunk?"

boneguy said...

Being a pet in Wayne Lapierre's house certainly has its challenges.

Shelly said...

"I know what you're thinking. Did he use up nine lives or only eight. Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as that is a .44 Micron, the least powerful handgun in the world, and would touch my head and bounce clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?"

boneguy said...

"You wouldn't shoot an unarmed vegan cat, would you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"If I spread em, I'll wet em!"

Anonymous said...

"So Theo Epstein is with the Cubs now? So shoot me."

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"Would it help if I told you that I was T.S. Eliot reincarnate?"

Anonymouse said...

"So, does this mean that you're a good mouse with a gun?"

Anonymous said...

Right, Jim Cavanaugh, and Theo Epstein once wore a gorilla suit to escape the media while in Boston, but I took third place (like the Red Sox) even though al didn't get it (like the Red Sox).

Jess said...

"You see, I represent ruthless thugs and you represent law biding citizens defending their homes with the use of fire arms. It's a metaphor...Of course if I also had a gun, it would change the equation."

boneguy said...

"Calm down. This happens every time I lend you my copy of Maus."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Squeak, SQUEAK ... What the fuck does that mean? ... Spread em, Drop em, Frisk em ... but SQUEAK!!"

Kathy H said...

"Your firearm gives one paws...er, I mean...pause."

Anonymous said...

"It's all about the 2nd Amendment with you guys, isn't it? All rights, but no responsibility."


---blw

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what a mouse hole.

JohnnyB said...

Shut up, Bob. Everyone knows your gun has no clip on.

JohnnyB said...

Go ahead, kill me; but know that this cartoon violence is going to make some kid in the audience shoot up a preschool in a few years. Their blood will be on your hands.

Anonymouse said...

Pussy: I'm Mr. Goldfinger's personal pilot.
Mouse: Oh? Just how personal is that?
Pussy: I'm a damn good pilot. Period.

Damon said...

"Wait...was she a great big fat mouse?"

Damon said...

"Fine. But a few weeks from now, when you're the only one around here not enjoying the benefits of Herbalife, don't come bitching to me."

Damon said...

"Where are ya, Jerry? You know I can't see so good no more. What's that yer holding? My residual check? Let me have it. C'mon, ya heard me..."

Anonymous said...

"You're gonna shoot me in the face 'cause I'm Cheney's cat, aren't you."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Listen genius, you don't have to shoot a cat to eat some pussy.

JohnnyB said...

Tell me about the rabbits, George.

reid savid said...

"Yeah, just like that. Now when Ruth comes home I'll pretend to be hurt and then you shoot her in the head. We'll split whatever's in the pantry 70/30 and you guys can have the body."

reid savid said...

"This is absurd. Give back my gun."

Anonymous said...

"Cut the crap Irving ... We all know it's a Philip Morris cigarette lighter!"

Anonymous said...

"Go ahead and shoot! ... 9 lives vs 6 chambers ... Your toast!"

Jess said...

"Because I'm a cat--right?"

Kathy H said...

"Can't we all just get along?"

Kathy H said...

"Oh, yeah? Well, just look at what my cousin Vito is doing on Broadway."

Satireguy said...

"I said you had the right to bare arms, not to bear arms."

boneguy said...

Make it count Ratso, I have a high deductible plan.

Woody said...

"Happiness is a warm gub."

Anonymous said...

"Dirty Pussy."

Anonymous said...

"If that cheese is so important you won't stop at anything now. Here, I'll make it easier for you."

Tim H said...

"No, you idiot! It's Cat in the Hat, not Gat on a Cat!"

boneguy said...

Make it count, Ratso. Obamacare for cats doesn't kick in till 2017.

Kathy H said...

"Squeaky Fromme, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Fellini (Long I) said...

"Go fuck yourself! Killing me won't change the fact that I ate your Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, sisters, brothers, wife, kids, friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, accountant, barber. Face it, without me, you don't have anyone. I actually hope, for your sake, that you have two bullets in that thing because you won't have a reason to live once I'm gone. Oh, and you're a Cheesdick."

Muffin said...

"Mrowwwwwwwwwww!!!!"

Anonymous said...

"Adios Mo-Fo."

Dickhead Ted

Anonymouse said...

"Look. If you leave the gun, you can take the cannoli."

Anonymous said...

OK, next time as a prank you can shove me up Richard Gere's rectum.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Look, Mickey ... I had nothing to do with Minnie's disappearance. Last I heard she was acting strange ... I think she was fucking Goofy!"

JohnnyB said...

Okay, okay, it's true: I misunderstood your caption, I insulted you, I tried being clever and failed, I left contests unjudged for months. But I'll change my ways. just don't kill me. I swear I'll do anything you ask.

Kathy H said...

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! That 'spayed and neutered' garbage is for cats and dogs only. You mice are cool in my book."

Tonight, on Bestial Star said...

"Cut! Say it. Say 'You dirty rat, you killed my brudder!'

I know plenty of rats who'll say it -- you'll never work in this town again, if you don't."

Anonymous said...

"Know what Hemmingway once said?"

Satireguy said...

"Like you can even hold that thing without opposable thumbs."

Sonny said...

Hey, whataya gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the Family business, huh? Now you wanna gun down a police captain, why, because he slapped ya in the face a little bit? Hah? What do you think this is the Army, where you shoot'em a mile away? You've gotta get up close like this and bada-bing! you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. Come're..

Hypocritical Idiot said...

Get that fuckin' thing out of my puss.

Anonymouse said...

"It's a fair cop, but only if you read me my Miranda rights."

Anonymous said...

"Just like a gun to bring a mouse to a cat fight."

Dex said...

"Wait! Did you ever think of screwin' your way to the top of the food chain?"

Steve_O said...

"Hey! She never once mentioned that she was married. And not a cat."

Barton Ratfink said...

"I never crossed a friend, I never killed anybody. We're not like those animals. This is not us! I can't die! I can't die like a dumb animal! I'm praying to you... look in your heart... look in your heart!"
Replies: "What heart?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So, Irving ... You're the one that shot my paw!"

Don Don said...

“Woe there cowboy! It was a Joke: There are three jars of money behind the bar that after ten shots of whiskey the first jar is won to whoever can knock out the gorilla doorman we have. The second jar is for the guy that after ten shots of whisky can satisfy the “bar fly” whore we have around here and the last jar is for the guy that can pull the pit bulls sore tooth out. But of course Dick Cheney gets too drunk and fucks the pit bull and yanks a tooth out of the whore’s mouth. NOW do you get it?"

Anonymous said...

"I get it...The cartoonist drew a gun."

reid savid said...

"You won't survive the recoil."

REX said...

"It's the dog who's your real enemy."

Phil I. Buster said...

"Wait, let's talk about this."

boneguy said...

Have you read my book, "I Have No Goddamn Idea Who Moved Your Cheese"?

reid savid said...

"As-salam alaykum"

Satireguy said...

"Can't we all get along?"

Steve_O said...

"Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few know how to dance!...Sorry. Just kill me now."

Desperate Cat said...

"I once fucked a mouse"

reid savid said...

"Feed you a cat?"

Anonymous said...

I'm truly enjoying the design and layout of your site. It's
a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more pleasant for me to come
here and visit more often. Did you hire out a developer to create your theme?
Superb work!

Check out my webpage; Jordan Femme

Anonymous said...

This post is priceless. When can I find out more?


Here is my web-site; Sac Louis Vuitton

Anonymous said...

Hi! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this site?

I'm getting tired of Wordpress because I've had problems with hackers
and I'm looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

Feel free to visit my weblog: Soldes Air Jordan

Anonymous said...

Hello! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I
could get a captcha plugin for my comment form?
I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having difficulty finding one?
Thanks a lot!

my web-site Louis Vuitton Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

Great post. I was checking constantly this weblog and I am impressed!

Extremely helpful information particularly the remaining phase :) I
maintain such information much. I was seeking this certain info for a long time.
Thank you and good luck.

Feel free to surf to my weblog Boutique Air Max ()

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.