Monday, January 14, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #365















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I'm beginning to suspect that Don Trotsky is not Russian mafia after all, but actually supports a competing faction."--Anonymous Coward (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A head-scratcher, but this may be an effort to call attention to the bizarre protocols of organized crime. Before I majored in Poli. Sci., I thought Trotsky was Russian for “trot,” now I know the real Mafia is the bourgeoisie.)

SECOND PLACE
If Trigger pulling the trigger doesn't have the Grand Jury in stitches, that would be criminal.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First: You would need an opposable thumb. Also, horse-on-horse crime is hardly a laughing matter. I don't get this one, but that has never stopped me.)

THIRD PLACE
"Fuck the pig and the horse he rode in on!"--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A variation on “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.” I think we all get that. And the cop is in fact mounted, so it kind of works. I still don't understand why the horse is wearing a suit. It completely screws up the narrative and makes this like a parallel universe thing.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Why is it every time we take a vote it always ends up four yeas and a nay?"--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apart from being terrible, there are two problems with this: The person speaking is presumably among the majority, so why would he care? Also, the word you are looking for is “neigh” not “nay.” Do I now have to teach remedial pun-use to you people?)


"I brought a couple of snitches. Do you mind?"--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cute. A riff on “I brought a couple of midgets...” our most enduring, and confusing, classic. And, yes, they would mind very much.)

“Jimmy, update me on our charitable contributions. Sebastian, any progress with urban renewal? Rocco, shoot the cop, take the horse.”--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Godfather tribute. We'll leave it at that.)

Let me guess, Paulie and Big Pussy won best
costume again.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to say which of them is better suited to be the horse's ass, but a Sopranos tribute is always welcome. As Paulie once said “You're only as good as your last envelope." )

"Sumpin tells me we gonna be sayin bye bye to old Pie-O-My over here."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another Sopranos reference. Ralph had the horse torched, which led to Tony getting a face full of bug spray as he beat Ralph to death. Christopher finds out Ralph was bald when they hack up his body in the bath tub—a procedure referred to as “wet work.” I know my Sopranos, is all I'm saying.)

"If I have to wait till four-fucking-fifteen again, somebody's gonna die."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Threats and intimidation are a daily reality for high profile, successful people— I get that. This is a statement on the late posting of the cartoon. In other words, the Anti Capper is dissatisfied with the horse's post time. [How does it feel when someone does it to you?])

"His name is al. He lives in la. I want him disappeared. Capische?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again I am dissed. The irony is I often disappear of my volition. )

I'll need three dozen more mounted patrols to control the crowd celebrating al's next judgement.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here's my ruling: There is no “e” in judgment. )

Come on Al! Keep it up. Keep your New Year's resolution. It's been fun and you bring a smile and a laugh or two to us. If not, fuck it! We knew your talent was a clip on!--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would be more accurate if it said “a smile and a laugh for two of us.” And yes I often say “fuck it!” when it comes to this contest, so it works on that level too.)

"New Yorker Anti-Caption Contests 357, 258, 359, 360, 363, 364, and 365 haven't been judged. Why?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)

"Nice job taking care of Judge Crater. Now, new business. Who has any contacts in L.A.?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another thinly vailed threat, this one has a historical twist. )

"So, if we are really gonna' make this work, we need someone who is irresponsible, has never met a deadline, can't spell, is clueless with any literary or classical reference, claims to love Dylan and defers to his wife when the going gets tough . . . and somehow a horse in shades with Donnie Darko in the saddle fits the bill??? . . . Well, desperate times call for desperate measures!"
---al's first wife (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit long-winded and heavy-handed. The 2001 film Donnie Darko – a huge flop – centered on a troubled teen plagued by visions of a large bunny rabbit that manipulates him to commit crimes. So don't tell me I don't know shit—okay?) 

55 comments:

boneguy said...

Anyone else here smell horseshit?

Anonymous said...

"If I have to wait till four-fucking-fifteen again, somebody's gonna die."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Mister Ed says ... This time ... No 'Horse Head in the Bed'!"

Dex said...

"Dammit, I told you I wanted 'whores,' not 'horse,' and I sure as hell didn't tell you I really needed a 'posse.'"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Sumpin tells me we gonna be sayin bye bye to old Pie-O-My over here."

Steve_O said...

"I don't care if he is married to your sister, I think the pony is playing us!"

boneguy said...

Let me guess, Paulie and Big Pussy won best
costume again.

Dr Sumguy said...

"According to Emily Post it's bad etiquette to have your elbows on the table! ... So ... Who called the cops?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's brilliant! ... A mounted cop as the getaway vehicle!"

JoJo Krako said...

In an uncanny mash-up of Star Trek episodes, Bela Okmyx finally realizes the mother-fuckin' Gorn is dressed like Horse. Hilarity ensues."

J. Cagny & J. Benny said...

"You, you dirty rat, you killed my brother...Well!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It will be after dusk ... Will use the 'Nightmare'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Whispering ... (Tell Mister Ed the Dick goes on the bottom, not on the top)!"

Anonymous said...

"The day we get caught is when pigs fly over my house."

Anonymous said...

"Trojan whores? Sammy, they go together like root beer and ice."

LR said...

"The moles here are equine."

Shelly said...

"Here's the con for the Belmont job: we trot in and say we're from Brink's Mounted Security to pick up the day's take. Then load up the saddlebags and gallop off, guns a'blazin."

smuck said...

"I brought a couple of snitches. Do you mind?"

smuck said...

"Looks like Sarah Jessica Parker decided to join our little gang after all."

Anonymouse said...

"His name is al. He lives in la. I want him disappeared. Capische?"

boneguy said...

If Trigger pulling the trigger doesn't have the Grand Jury in stitches, that would be criminal.

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Trigger' have some more hay. I can't Roy ... You know I'm stuffed"!

Anonymous Coward said...

"I'm beginning to suspect that Don Trotsky is not Russian mafia after all, but actually supports a competing faction."

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"Fuck the pig and the horse he rode in on!"

Tim H said...

"I can understand a horse wearing a shirt, tie and jacket. But what the hell's up with those Foster Grants ® ?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Da fuck you talkin' bout? You tellin' me there's a police horse in fuckin' Ray Bans behind me, and wit a cop sittin' right on the bastard. You strunzopiece of shit. Gavone! Now where's the fuckin' money!"

Anonymous said...

“Jimmy, update me on our charitable contributions. Sebastian, any progress with urban renewal? Rocco, shoot the cop, take the horse.”

boneguy said...

Did you really need to bribe the horse, too?

Dr Sumguy said...

"We think the horse has been shopping at 'Old Neigh-vy'!"

Kathy H said...

"Any of youse a horse whisperer?"

boneguy said...

Lou, call your carny friend and tell him we got a stallion with 2 dicks.

JohnnyB said...

I am not a crook.

Richard H said...

"Why is it every time we take a vote it always ends up four yeas and a nay?"

Tim H said...

"So it's settled. We're putting on Equus."

boneguy said...

Call the Times and tell them we have Manti T'eo's girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

"If it poops, we ask him to leave."

Kathy H said...

"Whichever of you is responsible for Michelle Obama's new hairdo: Kudos."

boneguy said...

I'll need three dozen more mounted patrols to control the crowd celebrating al's next judgement.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Should we include the horse? ... I understand she has a reputation as a 'Holster Humper'!"

Anonymous said...

Come on Al! Keep it up. Keep your New Year's resolution. It's been fun and you bring a smile and a laugh or two to us. If not, fuck it! We knew your talent was a clip on!

Don Jr. said...

"I am convinced someone in this room is not who they say they are."

Anonymous said...

"Then I say to the judge, "I know the meaning of Easter.""

Anonymous said...

"New Yorker Anti-Caption Contests 357, 258, 359, 360, 363, 364, and 365 haven't been judged. Why?"

Anonymous said...

"Sure, I'm willing to let the horse be the new judge . . . call him al, I don't care . . . and he's got a cop riding him to keep it honest."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Put 10 large down on at least 4 of them going unjudged. What's with the horse, Officer Dibble?"

Anonymous said...

"Insanity doesn't run in the Gambini family, it gallops."

Satireguy said...

"I've got a feeling we've got an informant in our midst."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's decided then! ... 'Horse Cock de Grace' ... Al will be toast!"

Anonymous said...

"al who? al Capone? He's fuckin' dead!! Whudya an asshole!?"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, lighten up on al . . . He tries real hard."

"So do washing machines."



---E.G. Marshall

Anonymous said...

"So, if we are really gonna' make this work, we need someone who is irresponsible, has never met a deadline, can't spell, is clueless with any literary or classical reference, claims to love Dylan and defers to his wife when the going gets tough . . . and somehow a horse in shades with Donnie Darko in the saddle fits the bill??? . . . Well, desperate times call for desperate measures!"


---al's first wife

Anonymouse said...

"Nice job taking care of Judge Crater. Now, new business. Who has any contacts in L.A.?"

Anonymous said...

"I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his horse burnt to the ground!"

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, I'm doing a little business on the side with Burger King. But don't tell the orse-hay, OK?"

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.