Monday, January 7, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #364





WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Let's play snooker until Florrie gets here with the rolling pin. Oh, wait, never mind. I thought this was the Andy Capp contest."--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This falls into that huge category of contemporary humor known as so-bad-it's-good. Andy Capp is a drunken, ill-tempered braggard with bad manners. The Anti-Cap is a contest that attracts those with strikingly similar characteristics. This would be perfect if it wasn't so not-funny, which is, of course, the point.)

SECOND PLACE
"Moobs, nipple sensitivity, gynacomastia, loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, hair loss, low testosterone, couple of other things. You?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good use of hard-to-spell words and a biting commentary on the rigorous restrictions placed on pharmaceutical advertising. Well played.)

THIRD PLACE
Te'o's girlfriend's got nothin' on you. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...you somehow believe the football player's make-believe girlfriend makes for razor sharp commentary. This is included only to call attention to Johnny's infinate capacity for lameness. A classic example of the type of muck that dissaudes interest. Nuff said.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Gaham Wilson toasts Gaham Wilson!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The veteran cartoonist has been resting on his laurels for some time. And don't give me any shit about people in glass houses...I have no laurels to rest on.)


"Gahan, you sly devil; you're adorable."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I didn't realize this was any good until I saw a cap praising it [see below]. Adorable is not a word often used to describe him or his work.)

Nice work, Satireguy. You did it with class.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't agree but what do I know?)


"But the cardboard filled windows
And old men on the benches
Tell you now that the whole town is empty." --NCB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not a word of this cap is evident in the cartoon but it is from the Dylan song "North Country Blues" which appears on the 1964 album “The Times They Are a-Changin'” So it's got that going for it.)

Well, you may be the devil or you may be cardboard
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Could be a cry for help. The lyrics of “Gotta Serve Somebody” also say “You may be rich or poor, you may be blind or lame...” As such, it is the only Dylan song to include the word “lame,” also the opperative word for Johnny's caps –see how it all comes full circle?)

"I feel victimized by these faces at my haunts." --Bil H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty good but it takes a few seconds to get it—I hate that in a joke.)

"Sure a bartender's mentality can be appreciated; like morphine or cortisone."--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of an inside joke. The bartender's mentality refers to someone who swings by and makes an off handed remake with the intent of being funny, topical or cutting. It can also be appreciated like a pimple on your gonads.)

"You don't have big shoulders. You have broad shoulders.--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This offers evidence that NJ-to-TX actually watched the video I made of myself while ice skating last week. I appreciate the loyalty even if it yielded yet another cap notable only for what it's not: Interesting.)

"I said I figured I'd do a more recent one and, you know, work backwards—when I got around to it. Now they got to scroll way the fuck down to check if any are judged. Ain't I a stinka?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you find scrolling down too much effort you have the work ethic of navel lint—I'm not judging, just observing.)

Are you any good at judging humor contests?"--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This contest is to humor what something that's not funny is to something that's funny. [Yeah, I know, I know...I'm just mailing it in.] )

72 comments:

JohnnyB said...

Set 'em up, Joe

Anonymous said...

"Open your ears, jackass."

NJ-to-TX said...

"That neon sign in your window? It's supposed to be readable from outside!... Did you hear what I said? Joe?... Joe?...You okay? I wasn't trying to be a dick. Talk to me. Joe.

"Somebody call 9-1-1!"

Kathy H said...

"Well, Barry, we certainly took care of that Mitt guy. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...."

smuck said...

"A pint of OB, please."

boneguy said...

Whaddya know, cut-off by a cut-out.

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's Paying!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Here's looking at you kid!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And a 'Freddie Fuddpucker' for my friend!"

Tim H said...

"Yeah, they thought you were all about New Ideas. Who knew you were all about New Wide Ears?"

Anonymouse said...

"The shame of it is: We're about 50 years too late for The Twilight Zone."

NCB said...

"But the cardboard filled windows
And old men on the benches
Tell you now that the whole town is empty."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And a drink for my Russian urologist friend, 'Dr Kutyourcuntout'

LR said...

"So they told me he already judged Contest #357, but I said no, he just archived it. So it's just a facade, right? Right.....???"

JohnnyB said...

Well, you may be the devil or you may be cardboard
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

JohnnyB said...

Don't need a shot of whiskey from you, Mr. President

I need a shot of love

JohnnyB said...

I dreamt that the only person left after the war was me
I didn’t see you around

Anonymouse said...

"The ears here are easily seen."

Kathy H said...

"Like I always say: You can tell a class joint by its coasters."

Tim H said...

"All I can say is that this Happy Hour is aptly named."

Kathy H said...

"You think you're flat? Taste my beer."

Steve_O said...

"Only my ex-wife was a better listener. Course that was after I killed 'er."

Anonymous said...

"I have a real drinking problem what with no fingers on my right hand."

boneguy said...

I swear I saw your legs in the last dumpster I dove into.

boneguy said...

Oh come on. Who doesn't get a little soggy when they have a drink?

boneguy said...

You're asking me to cut it out?

Shelly said...

"Well, if it isn't Charlie the Prince of Wales 'imself. Looks to me like Mum's going to live to be 100. Sorry, don't mean to nag. And speaking of nags, 'ows old Camilla?"

Anonymous said...

"I know I'm drunk as a skunk, Joey, but you look like shit."

Anonymous said...

"You don't say much, but I do like the cut of your jib."


---left coast wayne

Dr Sumguy said...

"I know ... I ain't much fun since you stopped drinking!"

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"Are you staring at my club fist?"

Anonymous said...

Don't look now Jug-Ear, but you're about to get the hook.

Anonymoose H said...

"You think you taste like cardboard? Taste my beer."

Bil H said...

"I feel victimized by these faces at my haunts."

Anonymous said...

"In fact, I'll bet you're screwing my wife right now."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Nosferatu? The fuck kind of name is that?"

Dr Sumguyf said...

"And here's to my 'Cosa Nostril' tumor!"

Anonymous said...

"I said I figured I'd do a more recent one and, you know, work backwards—when I got around to it. Now they got to scroll way the fuck down to check if any are judged. Ain't I a stinka?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"According to the sign ... Ty Jaun Ahn will return in 15 minutes!"

Steve_O said...

"I spill my guts and you just stand there silently mocking me. You're a cocksucker, Lew."

Tim H said...

"I'm glad that you and I are finally having a conversation about gun control."

NAMBY said...

"So...if you're really the judge, why is it you never actually judge anything?...Are you even listening to me?"

boneguy said...

You'd really give all this up to be a gun range target at Quantico?

boneguy said...

So this job pays shit to what you were making as head target?

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, keep an eye on the Quvenzhane kid. She's goin' places."

Satireguy said...

"So a priest, a rabbi and a cardboard cutout of an imam walk into a bar. Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Let's play snooker until Florrie gets here with the rolling pin. Oh, wait, never mind. I thought this was the Andy Capp contest."

Dr Sumguy said...

Darrel violates the 'Singles Bar' code!

JohnnyB said...

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=526426740715942&set=a.237223479636271.67874.155328717825748&type=1&relevant_count=1

Oh my God, what have you done with Al?

Dr Sumguy said...

Gaham Wilson toasts Gaham Wilson!

Anonymous said...

"Jigger. I want a jigger of rum."

Anonymous said...

"Ok, you prefer the easel back. Me? I'd rather see you hanging from the wall."

Satireguy said...

"Gahan, you sly devil; you're adorable."

Anonymous said...

Nice work, Satireguy. You did it with class.

NJ-to-TX said...

"Moobs, nipple sensitivity, gynacomastia, loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, hair loss, low testosterone, couple of other things. You?"

Anonymous said...

“Perhaps you find me . . . too cutting in my remarks?”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You bartenders . . . all so one-dimensional . . . or is it two?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"While you're out working I've been stapling your wife."

Anonymous said...

So it's true you've been a Tetraplegic since the steamroller
accident ?

Steve_O said...

"Are you any good at judging humor contests?"

Anonymous said...

"I look at you and see a stand-up guy . . . to a point, that is."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"It's true. People look fatter on TV."

Anonymous said...

"You're rather unresponsive . . . may I call you al?"


---blw

Kathy H said...

"Alls I'm saying is that us guys with dorsal fins gotta stick together."

Anonymous said...

"You and Christina Applegate would make a nice couple."

Jim Cavanaugh

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Guys like you puzzle me."

JohnnyB said...

Te'o's girlfriend's got nothin' on you.

Don Jr. said...

"Sure a bartender's mentality can be appreciated; like morphine or cortisone."

Anonymous said...

"Now "this" is making a joke of my life."

Kathy H said...

"Cheers, you skinny bastard!"

Anonymouse said...

"O.K. One more. But then I have to go ice skating with my granddaughter."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You don't have big shoulders. You have broad shoulders.

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.