Monday, December 3, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #360




WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"The procedure is very routine, I'd even call it pedestrian."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A great cap because it is both obvious and ironic. Just so you know: This contest was posted some time in December 2012 and these results are being posted in February 2013. I mention that for the sake of full disclosure but I want to make it clear that I don't know and don't care what the actually winning entry was. Still, this could have won. That's all I'm saying.)

SECOND PLACE
According to the Bloomberg Health guidelines, you've eaten your last piece of meat.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NYC's mayor-for-life acts like a third world dictator. He gets away with it because he looks like a kindly neighbor who favors cardigans. I don't like him even if he keeps the trains running on time.)

THIRD PLACE
"Next, duck into that alley and give me your shorts ... That way I'll have urine, blood, semen, and fecal samples!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So he is bleeding, shitting and pissing in his pants while also ejaculating? I'm with you so far. But isn't that is a unique fetish. Reminds me of a joke: Why is urine yellow and semen white? So you can tell if you are coming or going.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I prefer to treat acute flatulence in a pedestrian manner."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: On a windy day, one would assume.)


You're having problems with your joints? Let me roll you one.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have often wondered if this regular Anti-Capper's name means what I think it means. Now I know.)

Although doing a rectal exam remains a significant challenge, I've got the got the al fresco yearly physical pretty much nailed.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is included because it is the rare cap that includes the word “al” but does not appear to be mocking the judge.)

"Heart of mine, go back home 
You got no reason to wander, no reason to roam"--RZ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: “If you can't do the time, don't do the crime, heart of mine.” And yes, I know what RZ stands for.)

You see me on the street, you always act surprised
You say, "How are you? Good luck," but you don't mean it
When you know as well as me you'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once and scream it?”


---Bobby Z (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I really do wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes [which are usually Reebok sneakers] )

I'm not shitting you, al. There is proven correlation between erectile dysfunction and procrastination.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Never mistake motion for progress or a hand-job for the real thing—I always say. )

"Oh, good, Al is doing us next - hey, don't get a heart-on over it!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hold still. I'll do ya!)

Sorry, al . . . I am detecting no heartbeat in there whatsoever . . . your street cred has expired.”
---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That which has never existed cannot expire. I think Spock said that once to Kirk.)

59 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

Obamacare Treadmill!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Next, duck into that alley and give me your shorts ... That way I'll have urine, blood, semen, and fecal samples!"

boneguy said...

At least someone in this town has a heart.

JohnnyB said...

Yes, that's John Cleese behind us.

JohnnyB said...

Yes I used to play the violin on this sidewalk. Raised enough money to realize my dream of going to med school and becoming a street MD. You were supposed to throw money in that cup you peed in.

Anonymous said...

"Your vitals are normal but your right jaw is fractured."

LR said...

"Pretty strong spike when we went through the gay area. Wouldn't hurt to tack on an HIV test now, would it?"

Doug Rees said...

I believe we have come full circle.

LR said...

"You're finally calming down after the encounter with that sheep guy in the subway. Calling him 'Pimp!' blew off some steam."

Anonymous said...

"I prefer to treat acute flatulence in a pedestrian manner."

boneguy said...

And here's the best thing about healthy organs. You can harvest them year round.

boneguy said...

Although doing a rectal exam remains a significant challenge, I've got the got the al fresco yearly physical pretty much nailed.

Dr Sumguy said...

"We're coming up on 'Germantown' ... I'd advise the 'Goose step'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"NOW ... Cough,Pee,Defecate, and Ejaculate! .. It's 'Times Square' ... No one will notice!"

Tim H said...

"Hmmm. So, you say this only occurs when you pass by a cafe with a fancy awning? Hmmm..."

Dr Sumguy said...

"See the lady in front of us ... That's McAfee!"

Anonymous said...

"You have Mycobacterium avium complex with acute nonlymphoblastic disease, which is mumbo-jumbo for dead man walking."

JohnnyB said...

I don't care what the window sign says, you are not "SAFE". I need to complete the exam. Bend over.

JohnnyB said...

I don't understand how you are still walking around with the back of your head blown off, Mr. President, but we've got to get you back to Parkland Memorial right away.

Satireguy said...

"Don't mind me; I'm just an incurable titty twister."

Damon said...

"...and then I elbowed the bitch like this."

Dex said...

"The procedure is very routine, I'd even call it pedestrian."

Anonymous said...

"Yes, it's true I don't make housecalls . . . but I do make sidewalk calls."


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

"As your 'Pedestriatrician' I'm going out on a limb! ... You have 'SlowDown's Syndrome'!" ... Watch for 'Mongoloid Feces' ...... never mind.

Anonymous said...

1. Walk together in lockstep down sidewalk holding end of stethoscope in left hand with left arm bent at 90 degrees and resting on patients right shoulder while left elbow applies pressure to right side of patients jaw.

2. Continue walking past curb into moving traffic.

Anonymous Coward said...

"You know there's an app for this, right?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Your 'lub' of the 'lub-dub' and your 'dub' of the 'dub-lub' ... are backwards!" ... Wait ... It's my stethoscope!

Dr Sumguy said...

"All I'm getting is 'ka ching, ka ching, ka ching! I must be in your wallet!"

boneguy said...

According to the Bloomberg Health guidelines, you've eaten your last piece of meat.

Anonymous said...

"It's not too early to call it, Mr. Rove, you're toast."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Just hand over the briefcase full of money and keep walking."

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

You're having problems with your joints? Let me roll you one.

boneguy said...

Sure it's been challenging. But office overhead has never been lower.

Quack on Crack said...

"I'm sorry the treadmill is busted, but I can't track your Angina without a walking heart rate."

"You told my wife you lost your speculum and couldn't track her vagina without watching her masturbate!"



smuck said...

"Take this stethoscope. You'll need it to crack the safe, which is in the building marked 'SAFE'."

Satireguy said...

"Don't be alarmed; I'm from Doctors Without Personal Borders."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Now picture her dropping her bags, turning around, taking off her clothes, and slowly masturbating to your gaze."

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"This would have been much easier if you were still wearing the hospital gown."

J C (Johnny Cash) said...

"Next time I get to play Doctor and you carry the cash!"

A Dermatologist said...

"Don't do anything rash! ... That's 'Judge Judy' in front of us!"

Anonymous said...

"It's Heart Wrenching! ... If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place ... Why was it found on the dashboard!"

boneguy said...

I'm not shitting you, al. There is proven correlation between erectile dysfunction and procrastination.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Oh Shit! ... 'GAFE' ... Quick ... 2 hops forward, skip square 4, right foot on home!"

Don Jr. said...

"Oh, the costs will be considerable but Obama care said it wanted to be billed."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I can't hold my arm up like this much longer."

Damon said...

"Once your pulse slows almost to a stop, I'll submit this anti-caption of yours."

Anonymous said...

no mr bond i expect you to die

RZ said...

"Heart of mine, go back home
You got no reason to wander, no reason to roam"

boneguy said...

Either a subway train just passed by or your mitral valve is hanging by a thread.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Your 'Check Engine Light' is on ... I'm taking you to AAMCO!"

Steve_O said...

"Heart's good. Now let's check that prostate!"

Anonymous said...

"Return to the hospital, immediately. Your discharge was premature."

Anonymous said...

“Sure the waiting room is inconvenient . . . but look at ‘em . . . in motion, moving, keeping up the heart rate . . .”


---Dr. Oz

Anonymous said...

“Bad news, cowboy . . . you’ve got Keith Moon in there going crazy solo in a Lawrence Welk chest cavity . . . good thing we’re on the street.”


---left coast wayne

Damon said...

"It's my professional opinion that you have one. Your wife will be pleasantly surprised."

Anonymous said...

“Sorry, al . . . I am detecting no heartbeat in there whatsoever . . . your street cred has expired.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You see me on the street, you always act surprised
You say, "How are you? Good luck," but you don't mean it
When you know as well as me you'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once and scream it?”


---Bobby Z

NJ-to-TX said...

"Oh, good, Al is doing us next - hey, don't get a heart-on over it!"

Kathy H said...

"Well, Mr. Johnson, you passed the Standing in One Place for Six Weeks test."

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.