"I am deeply sorry for the actions that resulted in this circumstance."
NOTE: So began a statement spit up like a hair ball from Sen. Mike Crappo. The Idaho Republican was popped for a DUI over the weekend. He issued this textbook catch-all apology. Could cover anything from drunk driving to trying to blow some guy in an airport men's room -- or neglecting the Anti-Cap contest. It would also make a fitting Anti-Cap, albeit a dull one.
After a while, the contest becomes like left-over pizza in the fridge. The longer it's there, the less likely you are to eat it. I figured I'd do a more recent one and, you know, work backwards—when I got around to it. In case you are wondering, my enthusiasm has not dimmed. I got a at-home writing and editing gig. It's like emptying a bathtub with a shot glass. But now sitting in front of the TV clicking away at my Mac is responsible for my daily bread, beer and the occasional Dylan ticket. I feel anything else is unproductive.
Ironically, I used to do the contest judging when I was getting paid to do something else. Life's funny that way.
"It's a toy!" --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: “It's depressing and scary to you?” That's what Dr. Melfi just asked Tony Soprano as I pondered why this should win. We're watching the DVD of season one. Tony, I notice, is more brutal and unhinged in the early episodes. Carmella has more of a Jersey accent. Made me chuckle, this did. Besides, it rewards simplicity and bad taste, not unlike New Jersey itself.)
"You'll be happy to know that this is the first birth resulting from autoeroticism!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just as simplistic as the winner, but this has a sick twist to it. [Get it?] Tim H is a perennial contender with a sharp eye for the obvious. Still, this is too snarky. The big word seems pretentious. Good enough for second. And no jokes about not getting choked-up over David Carradine's untimely death.[R.I.P. Grasshopper])
It's an Evy Tahoe, just for you, Evrolet Girl. Hope you are back up on your feet and half out of your clothes again soon.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls the huge woman straddling the highway. Only Anti-cappers know why she's called Evrolet Girl. After all this time rewarding Johnny's half-assed caps, it finally pays off.)
"When you said human trafficking I had no idea."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is undeniably funny, and too dumb and insensitive for the “real” contest. So it comes to rest here at the island of broken toys: the Honorable Mention ghetto.)
"Oh, Charlie! Is that not the cutest little fetus coffin you've ever seen?"--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This either mocks or advances pro-life propaganda. Since it's hard to tell, it must be worth something. )
Hurricane Sandy blew off the roof of the hospital and here we are getting soaked; but, good news, it blew in this toy car. How's the cancer thing going?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dry wit and topical humor are to Johnny what herpes is to a hooker. But I don't buy the toy car part. Maybe it would be better if he set it up as giant people in a giant hospital and a regular sized car. I lived on Staten Island for more than 25 years and never saw anything like this Hurricane Sandy. Barry was there to hug the locals. When Bush touched down on S.I. it was just to raise money.)
Be prepared for a lot of crying - it's a Saab."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References a notoriously unreliable car. I knew a guy, always called it “his Saab-story.” Every freakin' time. With no exception. He never said "car." Always "Saab-story." That was 20 years ago and I still can't hear "Saab" without thinking about that. My '97 Toyota Avalon is a tank, by the way.)
"Someone really mastered her LaMazda classes."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is the kind of cap that makes this contest neglectable, it's also what draw me like a fly to dog shit. Dr. Malfi just told Tony, “I thought we made some progress on your narcissism.” )
“Abortions come with a consolation prize?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S ) COMMENT: In retailing they call it a “premium incentive.” And here, if the car is broken it's a "miscarriage." Another quasi-political statement. )
"And to think, this all started because you gave its father the best Hummer ever."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If it was that good, she'd need a Kleenex. But who'd-a-thought we'd have multiple car puns --apart from anyone who actually saw the cartoon. )
I know it's a Toyota dear but I swear, our Japanese gardener is just a friend.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of a reach. And if the French chief was her friend, they would be holding a Fiat or a Cuisinart, maybe.)
"Oh, look . . . it's got its father's driveshaft . . . and those bumpers!!!" ---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So she got fucked by a car? In Shawshank Redemption Warden Norton tells Andy, “I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites.You'll think you've been fucked by a train!" [Love that movie!] This is the last cap entered, it arrived like six weeks after the contest was posted. There are a lot of Anti-Cappers who could take a lesson from this.)
Just...end...it.--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Only when you end your slavish devotion. )
love this contest. It's been fun, but I'm with hypocritical idiot. Just end it. Thank you for the efforts over the years keeping it going. It's alright. Call it a day.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't let the delete button hit you on the way out! And don't the rest of you muggs pay this demanding jerk any attention. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you Johnny, Bones & (Tiny) Tim H. [Where the hell is Kathy and her pointless links by the way?] Merry Christmas, every one. Better things in 2013.)