Monday, September 10, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #349









WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
[Off camera] "Cut! Cut!!! Mr. Fox, please try not to spill the coffee again. Aaaand.... Back to the Future 5, scene 6, take 29... Action!"--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Somehow less mean spritied if you assume the cap is projecting well into the future. Michael J. continues to work despite his battle with Parkinson's, so he's fair game for a cheap shot. [Determination is the mother's milk of ridicule.] Also, to save money, Universal Studios made Back To The Future Parts II and III at the same time, so it's historically accurate to suggest the studio would squeeze the franchise dry before the star becomes “unavailable.” This drawing is also the way the film had McFly look in his latter years. Acts of valor are also comic fodder. Fight On, Mr. Fox!)




I'm not kinky, I'm just drawn that way.---JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Borrowing a line from the valupuous yet conflicted Jessica Rabbit, Johnny reaches for sexual innuendo. As such, the cap has enough to merit recognition. The detective in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” provokes Jessie's pouty response when he says “how hard it is” to gaze on her beauty. Conversely, the guy with the shaky lines in the diner does not engender a similar response. He also seems more squiggly, but kinky obviously works better even if definitions of the word vary.)

THIRD PLACE
"I'll have another bowl of chilly."--Diner Shore (Childish and obvious, yet surreal and slightly thought provoking. The signature also recalls songstress Dinah Shore, whose enduring legacy is her ability to draw thousands of lesbians to a golf tournament in Palm Springs each year.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"When it gets c-c-cold, I just can't stop sh-sh-shivering. What eff-eff-effect does it have on y-y-you? [Stares forward.] Oh, I s-s-see."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...it's so cold he's showing signs of hypothermia and her nipples have become erect. Or...maybe the nervousness and stuttering is because he is oodling her breasts. Maybe she knows men tip more when she flashes the headlights. What ever this is trying to say, I want to applaud the effort, however flawed.)

"I told my wife to taker her vibrator and cram it up her ass."--Anonymous said...(JUDGE'S COMMENT: So apparently she returned the favor—either that or she thought he said “MY ass” Is he bragging or complaining? Either way the device is clearly set on “high.”)

"I get the shakes whenever I see a Castro double sealing an envelope full of anthrax."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the other guy at the couter who is either eating sandwich wiping his mouth or plotting to kill everyone. Nice eye for detail. Ironically he'd be more inclined to draw a rebuke if he lit a cigar.)

"Now will you sit on my face?"--Grandpa
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the waitress responds: “Sweetie, if I had a buck for every time I heard that one...”)

"I just hate being a near-satire of Edward Hopper's most famous work."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This links to the classic painting of people in a coffee shop. Once again Kathy goes with obscure over interesting.)

I’m haunted by the pace of my refills.”--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not many classics for this one so this will have to do.)

"I just listened to Dylan's new album Tempest and I'm still trembling with delight --Lucky Zim (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A wonderful album—his best since 1997's Time Out Of Mind-- and a nice little little plug. Still, “Trembling with delight” is a bit over the top. I did get a rush when Mrs. al in la and I went to get tickets to see Dylan at the Hollywood Bowl in a few weeks. Even better: to screw TicketMaster we bought them at the box office.)

"It's Paul, but you can call me Palsy, all my friends do."--Tremor Berbick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If they are really your friends they wouldn't ridicule your affliction [Unless it was for humor value in an Anti-Cap Contest or something]. More important: She's pouring your coffee. She does not give a shit what your name is.)

"It is always so tranquil here at Windows On The World that I just...DAMN! Was that some kind of explosion?" (Dedicated to our brave first responders)--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We mourn the passing of all those we lost that sad day, but I can assure you Windows on the World did not have a counter where you could sip a cup of joe and chat about sports and politics. I heard it did have a wonderful crab salad appraiser that went for $38.)

"What you're seeing is a manifestation of vacillation. You see, I can't decide if I'm in an Anti-Caption or Anti-Captain contest. But I know I'm not at a spelling bee."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My advise: Print this out and use some vacillation to ram it up your ass. [Am I spelling that right?])

"When you're a pedophile, being albino and having Huntington’s Disease is an advantage. My milky shake brings all the boys to the yard."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So gross. So awful. So completely outside the bounds of decency. I was going to make it the winner until I asked “So what's funny about that?”)

"Christ, what an asshole. Do I look like Bob Dylan?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this. Would have been better if it said “Christ? You really think I'm Christ? What an asshole, I don't even look like Bob Dylan.”)

"I like my women like I like my coffee -without a penis"--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There were several caps that went this route. This was the worst. [Congrats cta!] Some advice: if  your coffee has any type of body part in it, don't drink it. If your only standard for a woman is the absense of male genitalia, you are casting too wide a net.)

"Two more cups and I'll be ready to judge the fucking caption contest."--Judge Me Well (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because it does not specify ANTI-cap, we can safely assume the coffee drinker is the NYer's cap judge—which blows the premise of the cap because it's not set in a Starbucks.)











102 comments:

NJ-to-TX said...

"I know, I know. Your eyes are up here."

NJ-to-TX said...

"There just doesn't seem to be any work out there for Perforation Man."

JohnnyB said...

Don't look over there but I think Fidel Castro has his eye on me and I'm having a missile crisis in my pants.

JohnnyB said...

I'm not kinky, I'm just drawn that way.

JohnnyB said...

This is only the first time I've tried it, but I don't think this vibrating stool is going to catch on.

Anonymous said...

"I told my wife to taker her vibrator and cram it up her ass."

mel said...

"Epilepsy."

boneguy said...

Are you brewing the Parkinson's blend again?

Anonymous said...

"What's shakin', Bernice?"

Eric G said...

Got meth?

LR said...

"I get the shakes whenever I see a Castro double sealing an envelope full of anthrax."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Thanks for the hummer, Bernice. Is that trucker still watching us?"

Tim H said...

"How many times do I have to tell you? Shaken, not stirred."

Anonymous said...

"When it gets c-c-cold, I just can't stop sh-sh-shivering. What eff-eff-effect does it have on y-y-you? [Stares forward.] Oh, I s-s-see."

Kathy H said...

"I just hate being a near-satire of Edward Hopper's most famous work."

Dr Sumguy said...

Better beans. Better coffee ... What's that Smell!

boneguy said...

Pay no mind. It's that joker Scotty trying to beam me up again.

Ken said...

Next time could I get the eggs a little more firmly scrambled?

Anonymous said...

"De calf belongs in de pasture."

Dr Sumguy said...

It's so good, you think a Mexican cat made it! ... What's that Smell?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Decaf? I ain't drinkin' no decaf. I don't need no decaf! I don't have to drink any stinkin' decaf!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Bertha, now she always showed me her cleavage. One time she pulled my head in. They were like two fluffy pancakes, with lots of butter and a strawberry on each one. I'll tell ya, there was a couple shots of whipped cream a-fore ya knew it."

Anonymouse said...

"I'm just nervous that Romney will get elected."

Grandpa said...

"Now will you sit on my face?"

Don Jr. said...

"The more I get the shakes the more my wife seems to love me".

Anonymous said...

"My wife put a spell on me and now I have to hold onto my tounge or my teeth will vibrate out of my head".

Tim H said...

"That's right, my name is Richter. Like the Scale."

Anonymouse said...

"I like my coffee like I like my women. Y'know, decaffeinated."

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is your last cup Mr Jitters! I advise you to call 9111111!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hold the cream! Hold the sugar! I'll have it black ... Like my stools!"

Anonymous said...

"I blame it on your big cups."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

".....I was thinkin' like..maybe sometime when you get off work, we could like....maybe, go see a movie?"

Dex said...

“I’m haunted by the pace of my refills.”

JohnnyB said...

I know; and yet the cup stays perfectly still.

Anonymous said...

"Thanks. I hope my tip's big enough to satisfy you."

Jim Cavanaugh

Eric G said...

"...and to make matters worse, I've had an erection for more than four hours."

Diner Shore said...

"I'll have another bowl of chilly."

S. Presso said...

"It's a cold world out there, Elaine."

mel said...

"The worst thing is whenever I take a piss, my shoes get soaked."

Anonymous said...


"Use me."

Tim H said...

"I just came from Shake Shack."

Anonymouse said...

"I used to be a Quaker, but now I'm a Shaker."

NJ-to-TX said...

"One more cup of coffee for the road
One more cup of coffee 'fore I go.
To the valley below that apron of yours."

Anonymous said...

Here's my theory: If Abigail Folger had convinced Charles Manson that the crystals in her Daddy's coffee were methamphetamine, there is no doubt in my mind that she'd be alive today.

Kathy H said...

"I've finally found the downside of a bottomless cup of coffee."

El Exigente said...

I like coffee, I like tea
I like the java jive and it likes me
Coffee and tea and the jiving and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!

smuck said...

[Off camera] "Cut! Cut!!! Mr. Fox, please try not to spill the coffee again. Aaaand.... Back to the Future 5, scene 6, take 29... Action!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Whatsaaa gggirl lllike you dddoing in aa ppplace lllike tthis?"

Kathy H said...

"You realize, of course, that these are grounds for divorce."

Anonymous said...

"It is always so tranquil here at Windows On The World that I just...DAMN! Was that some kind of explosion?" (Dedicated to our brave first responders)

Anonymous said...

Kathy H., it's been a wonderful evening (worried about Romney becoming president), don't spoil it now (grounds for divorce).

Satireguy said...

"What the fuck did you put in this stuff?"

Satireguy said...

"I like my coffee like I like my women - hot, black and bitter."

Anonymous said...

"I like my coffee like I like my boys—all cream."

Tremor Berbick said...

"It's Paul, but you can call me Palsy, all my friends do."

Dex said...

"The earthquakes here are localized."

Shelly said...

"Don't look now but I did a scene in 'Deliverance' with that guy- damn method actor. If anything happens to me, tell Mrs. Beatty that Ned loves her."

"Who do you have to fuck around here to see a pair of legs.....Please say it's you."

Anonymous said...

"I'm 19, but I'm hooked on meth."

davemalaphor said...

"This last cup should improve my vibrato"

Crotchety Mother-Fucker said...

"I'm old. I shake. Yes, more coffee, and you're not getting a tip. Sue me, Pig!"

boneguy said...

If by fair trade you mean a sizeable tip in exchange for a rim job, you're on.

LR said...

"What you're seeing is a manifestation of vacillation. You see, I can't decide if I'm in an Anti-Caption or Anti-Captain contest. But I know I'm not at a spelling bee."

Kathy H said...

"My favorite movie? Why, Shakes the Clown, of course."

Anonymous said...

“You’d be nervous too if you just won the Larry David Look-Alike Contest.”

---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Why am I the only one who feels these temblors?”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I’m thinking I should not have offered to go down on the big guy over there.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Aldrin, Buzz Aldrin."

Eric G said...

"The c-c-c-coffee here n-n-n-needs c-c-c-ream."

Austin said...

Michael J Fox, yes. Would you like an autograph in the shape of a rohrsatz?

Anonymous said...

"So I lose my drivers license and can't vote. Romney wins the recount here in Pennsylvania by one vote and that gives him the presidency. Is it possible to kill youself with coffee?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"To the brim Mabel! I just came from 'Tremors 2', where one of the 'Graboids' almost castrated me ... Thank god for the Gummers!

Anonymous said...

"Put it on my tab; Mr. Sybian".

Anonymous said...

"I never get up that early... My neighbor is a very round woman and she comes out in a little muu muu to get the morning paper, I didn’t mean to look, I didn’t want to look, why did I look"?

Lucky Zim said...

"I just listened to Dylan's new album Tempest and I'm still trembling with delight."

Dtr Sumguy said...

"It's not you Gladys ... it's me, and my 'Chattering Penis Sheath'!"

Brim Drinker said...

"Only half a cup!"

Damon said...

"When you're a pedophile, being albino and having Huntington’s Disease is an advantage. My milky shake brings all the boys to the yard."

boneguy said...

This happens every time I come off shift from the Large Hedron Collider.

Anonymous said...

"I don't have any quiver matches at the moment."

Anonymous said...

"If you want advice on women, you ask women. You don't ask guys. Guys don't know shit about women."

Bachman said...

"B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet."

Tim H said...

"They call me Lord Chatterley."

Anonymous said...

"Christ, what an asshole. Do I look like Bob Dylan?"

boneguy said...

Yup, you guessed it. Bill Cosby fanboy.

Anonymous said...

"We both work for Mayflower. They only hire movers and shakers."

Anonymous said...

"Either too much caffeine or this Benjamin Schwartz guy is an epileptic."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I'll defeat her damn vibrator if my name isn't John Henry."

Anonymous said...

"My seismologist said I was small for my size."

Satireguy said...

"If I wanted a fucking decaf, I would have asked for a fucking decaf."

Anonymous said...

"Somebody at The New Yorker wants to caffeinate me to death."

mel said...

"I guess I'm a little nervous about taking so long to get the next caption contest up and running."

Anonymous said...

Yo al! Click on

http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?affiliate=ny-caption
for the new caption.

cta said...

"I like my women like I like my coffee -without a penis"

El Exigente said...

"Fill it to the rim...with Brim."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hi! ... My name is Hammer, Jack Hammer!"

mel said...

"Under the counter hand-job."

Hypocritical Idiot said...

ItoldmyDoctortoFUCKOFFIonlyhaveafewgoodyearsleftandI'mgoingtodrinkalltheGODDAMNcaffeineIwant...amItalkingfast?

Anonymous said...

"Anti-Capton? What the hell's an Anti-Capton? And who designed your toy sailboat hat?"

Anonymous said...

"If I had legs I could steady myself".

Ish Kabibble said...

"Here's the goddamned 100th comment. Now, what do I win?!"

Anonymous said...

"I like my coffee like I like my women—black, dumped into a container, swallowed whole, excreted into a toilet and flushed down the sewer system."

Judge Me Well said...

"Two more cups and I'll be ready to judge the fucking caption contest."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.