Tuesday, July 17, 2012

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #342





For background click here
























WINNERS 

FIRST PLACE
"I object to my appearance in a real-life New Yorker cartoon! My creation in Seinfeld was intended as a commentary on how unfunny those cartoons are and, quite frankly, this blatant act of co-optation reeks of desperation on the part of a magazine blind to its own irrelevance! Also, my wife is a slut!"--George Martin Fell Brown  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An obvious choice given the history of this cartoon. The "My-wife-is-a-slut" part made it a slam-dunk. Still, I disagree with GMFB's harsh assessment. In my view the NYer's decision to run it was a bold and long over-due move that hints at the magazine's playfully wit and its willingness to needle its core demographic [represented here by the pig, of course]. Either that or someone missed a deadline. It could be this  had been languishing for years in a file labeled  "Emergency Complaining Pig Cartoon." Whatever brought it out of mothballs is not the issue. It's a powerful image that offers irony and ambiguity. Maybe it is poking fun at pampered people who still find reasons to complain. Perhaps it suggests that those who complain are usually losers.  Caption-wise the  real irony is that the pig is complaining that something reeks.)

SECOND PLACE
I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From "Maggie's Farm,"  this is one of the best uses of a Dylan quote ever seen in this contest.  Often, a person perceived as a "pig" is just a non-conformist. That's something that's easy to forget when you watch one eat.)

THIRD PLACE
"Me patty, I am the archetch that desinghned and over swa this mall, dose anyone call be "Patty the mall desighner"? No! Me patty I desighn all the roads in and out of town does anyone call me "Patty the road desighner"? No but just one time I sleep with you, all I get is, "Hey, Patty you pig fucker come here".--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Is "patty" the pig? Or is she the woman behind the counter? If it's the pig, who else would he be expected to screw but another pig? If it's the woman talking, why would she say this to the pig?. Also there seems to be an assumption that bad spelling is the a common trait of pigs. I recent that. Still, this reminds us that we are often defined by the stupidest thing we do.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"My best friend is lost somewhere in this mall. Can you call her on the PA? Her name is Ann Beans."--The 'Other' White Meat (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, I get it "pork and beans." I did not need the additional cap explaining it to me.  It's stupid because they would only page "Ann Beans" thus losing the comic thrust of the pork pun.  This is something Mike Hunt and Anita Mann know all too well.)


"I'd like to complain about some defective straw."-Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See below.)

I want a refund. The straw you sold me was crap. Oh, and the receipt blew away.--Johnny (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  These two caps may be a comment on pigs who make bad decisions--or perhaps a statement about the need for tougher building code standards. But what about some accountability for the wolf who huffed and puffed then blew the house down? This also touches on the inability of law enforcement to protect the most vulnerable among us  from predators. There's a lot going on with these two caps but that doesn't mean they don't suck.)


The straw house will be fine. The wolf in my story has end-stage COPD.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Same vein as the other two, but bonebuy is so smart he gave the wolf a malady that would prevent him from blowing the house down. Sadly, boneguy is not smart enough to realize this also makes the caption illogical since the pig is not actually complaining about anything. If he had only thrown in at the end, "Oh, and my wife is a slut.")


"Pushing that alarm button won't help. It's only going to bring more pigs!"--Uncle Rifle  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Years ago when it was fashionable for hippies and felons to call cops "pigs," the PBA in NYC had a poster that said "P.I.G." stood for  "Pride, Intelligence and Guts." "Think of that the next time they call you a pig," it said. That stayed with me.)


You're a little late. The Sandusky trial ended two weeks ago.--boneguy   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pigs don't rape children, but your point is well taken.)


"Did you realize that not ONE eatery in your food court sells slop?"--Jimmy Dean  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Look harder, Porky.  )


"I DO NOT have to put up with these insults!"--Kathy H   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: After adding countless links of little or no value, veteran Anti-Capper Kathy H. provided one that offers dozens of movie sounds bites from Meg Ryan's famous organism scene in "Harry Met Sally" to Don Vito's "I'll make him an offer..." I played like 20 of these for Mrs. alinla to see which see could identify [she got almost all of them].  Thanks Kathy. This is a very useful and entertaining link even if it has no apparent relation to the cartoon.) 




"I want to complain that Kathy H's 'insults' link is an epic fail! Apparently she was trying to get the sound bite from Animal House where the co-ed says, 'That boy is a P.I.G. pig!' Like I said, epic!"--Kathy H's Keeper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh. Now I get it. Turning her in was the right thing to do!)


[Alright, Anonymous -- if that's your real name -- I voted for what's his name's sister. But, do you really think her caption is better than my Anti-Cap Contest FIRST PRIZE "asinine cap"? I'm just sayin'. Oh, and alinla, I know a good Midtown pawn shop where you can pick up a pair or testicles, cheap.]--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is stupid because everyone knows there is not even one pawnshop left in Mid-town, although there are dozens of Starbucks.)

"Okay, Anonymouse (if that's your real name), your Anti-cap was clearly much better. It is now incumbent upon Alinla to kidnap Mankoff, drive to LA with him, force him to sign a print, and then send it to you. Anything less would be a clear violation of the spirit of this mock contest. Oh- and I wish I was taller."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all wish you were funnier. And its not a "mock contest" it's a contest that mocks a contest. Also alinla in all lower-case.)

I brought along a couple of piglets. Do you find?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A desperate attempt to offer up a classic. This is not awful but, once again, my complaint about this cap is that it is not a complaint.)     


The hours here are porcine--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The usually reliable boneguy continues to struggle.) 


"If I don't act right, dress right, become halfway educated, avoid extreme eye contact, don't move too quickly or make sudden movements, talk in a low voice, make over 50k a year, don't smoke, don’t drink, don't drive fast, except women in the work force, don't own guns, don't swear...This is the way you perceive me".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S  COMMENT: No, but if you enter a rambling, incoherent cap and say "except" when you mean "accept" you will be perceived as a dick. You really should consider becoming halfway educated.)


"I got rid of my first husband. He was Muslim and wouldn't go down on me."--Sylvester STYllone (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least that's what he told you. Didn't you ever wonder why he wore a St. Christopher metal?)  

"Why does JCPenney have a `complaints' mirror?"-- Damon   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me think why this cartoon is bogus. No one actually has a "Complain Department" anymore. Still, the mirror is often the perfect place to lodge your most persistent complaints.) 


Note to Alinla: Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself. On the weeks you're too busy, just pick a 1st, 2nd, & 3rd and post without editorial comment. Or, alternatively, deputize someone to fill in during those weeks. (JohnnyB seems to have a lot of time on his hands.)Just a suggestion...--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Noted. Now get lost.)

The pig says, "Alinla isn't on vacation. He quit the contest out of disgust."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's reassuring is that the pig is complaining about this development.) 



alinla misunderstands the point of my captions.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe your captions don't have a point.)

140 comments:

NAMBY said...

"My place is a sty."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I wish Elaine Benes would stop trying to put words in my mouth."

Anonymous said...

"Killing and eating my whole family, you know about this"? "Know"?! She says, “I happen to like bacon".

Anonymous said...

"I'm sick of summer re-runs."

Jim Cavanaugh

George_O said...

“The creature looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”

Anonymous said...

“Did you know that Steve_O’s sister Dianna is a finalist in the real New Yorker caption contest this week? No, no- it’s not a complaint. I’m telling everyone!”

Damon said...

"You're fat. What? That's a complaint."

Uncle Rifle said...

"Pushing that alarm button won't help. It's only going to bring more pigs!"

Satireguy said...

"I'd like to complain about some defective straw."

Satireguy said...

"As a cloven hoofed animal, I'd like to complain about your escalator."

George Martin Fell Brown said...

"I object to my appearance in a real-life New Yorker cartoon! My creation in Seinfeld was intended as a commentary on how unfunny those cartoons are and, quite frankly, this blatant act of co-optation reeks of desperation on the part of a magazine blind to its own irrelevance! Also, my wife is a slut!"

Shelly said...

"I'm haunted by the feces in my skivvies. You know, my bacon strips look like family."

"These cloven hooves keep me from meeting any Jewish girls."

boneguy said...

You're a little late. The Sandusky trial ended two weeks ago.

boneguy said...

You're pink. Baloney's pink. Convince me that's not a coincidence.

boneguy said...

And as we seemed to have discovered in the early 21st century, you pair nicely with chocolate.

Shelly said...

"You've got barbecue sauce in your other hand and I know it."

Dr Sumguy said...

"They refused to give me a flu shot!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Somebody stole my poke!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"That Russian urologist, Dr Kutyourcockoff is a Quack! ... I still go 'Wee Wee Wee, All the Way Home'!"

Sue Wee said...

"Where's the Lane Bryant?"

H. Hock said...

"Some black lady in Sears poured hot sauce on my feet."

David SUSkind said...

"What? No beauty salon? I need someone to wax my chiny-chin-chin."

Ham I. Am said...

"She huffed and she puffed and she blew my husband."

Sausage Patty said...

"I'd like to know why no informed me of the swine tasting convention beforehand?"

Jimmy Dean said...

"Did you realize that not ONE eatery in your food court sells slop?"

Ralphie's Mom said...

"So I says to 'im, 'You're gonna' pork your eye out!'"

Sausage Patty Hearst said...

"I'd like to know why no one informed me of the swine tasting convention beforehand?"

Sylvester STYllone said...

"I got rid of my first husband. He was Muslim and wouldn't go down on me."

Anonymous said...

"You're under arrest. Put both your hands where I can see them."

Anonymous said...

"My wife keeps calling me a pig."

Tim H said...

"Although I clearly did better than him during the audition, the director cast that guy Pearls before me!"

Kathy H said...

"I DO NOT have to put up with these insults!"

JohnnyB said...

I brought along a couple of piglets. Do you find?

JohnnyB said...

I'm a pig.

Anonymouse said...

"Your sales clerk insisted on calling me 'potbelly' when I clearly have lost a lot of weight!"

JohnnyB said...

I want a refund. The straw you sold me was crap. Oh, and the receipt blew away.

Kathy H's Keeper said...

"I want to complain that Kathy H's 'insults' link is an epic fail! Apparently she was trying to get the sound bite from Animal House where the co-ed says, 'That boy is a P.I.G. pig!' Like I said, epic!"

Anonymouse said...

"My cousin's a wild boar!

Dr Sumguy said...

"You try playing 'This Little Piggy' with cloven hooves!"

Anonymouse said...

"I'm beggin' ya, please! Whatever you do, do NOT Google PigSkin Underwear!"

Tim H said...

"Do you realize that there's a half- woman riding up and down your escalators?"

boneguy said...

The hours here are porcine.

Anonymouse said...

"I'm just sayin'. This is a poor scene for a porcine fellow."

Anonymouse said...

[Nod to boneguy: Didn't see your "porcine" before posting my "porcine."]

Shelly said...

"I am not impressed. I get the feeling New Yorker cartoonists are getting lazy about drawing lower torsos."

Jess said...

"Every outfit I try on makes me look fat --you're going to fix that right?"

REX said...

"I'm hot. Is there some place where I can roll around in my own shit?"

Kathy H said...

"I have never seen my feet."

Kathy H said...

"George H.W. Bush still pisses me off!"

Anonymous said...

"So suey me."

boneguy said...

I'm looking for A.B. Toir.

Anonymous said...

"The clerk in lingerie said you probably have sex with farm animals."

J. Ham said...

"Mom!?"

boneguy said...

If this heat wave doesn't break soon, my bacon is cooked.

Anonymous said...

"I was invited to dinner at the Obamas. Should I go?"

Copp E. Katt said...

Note to Anonymouse: Sure, you didn't.

Copp E. Katt said...

Just kidding.

Ham I. Am said...

"Where's the first aid station? I've got a pain right here in my chitterlings."

Petunia said...

"My boyfriend and I are getting married as soon as he gets out of the pen. After that there's the Wallow in the Mire retreat in West Virginia. Ever been?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm here for the Romney fundraiser. What the fuck do you mean No VIP Entrance.?"

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

They named me Ima.

Anonymous said...

"If I don't act right, dress right, become halfway educated, avoid extreme eye contact, don't move too quickly or make sudden movements, talk in a low voice, make over 50k a year, don't smoke, don’t drink, don't drive fast, except women in the work force, don't own guns, don't swear...This is the way you perceive me".

The 'Other' White Meat said...

"My best friend is lost somewhere in this mall. Can you call her on the PA? Her name is Ann Beans."

The 'Other' White Meat said...

"You're on the late freight lady. Swine flu!"

Jimmy Dean said...

"You like my latest outfit for the Grammys? Thank you so much. Sure, I'll give you an autograph and sign your CD."

- Pjork

The 'Other' White Meat said...

"My best friend is lost somewhere in this mall. Can you call her on the PA? Her name is Ann Beans."

- Pork

(in case alinla doesn't get it as is sometimes the case)

H. Hock said...

"Really? You're married to the CEO of Forever 21? My husband was Head Cheese at Ralphs; God rest his soul."

Sue Wii said...

1. The sex last night was horrible, THE absolute worst I've ever had.

2. The Harpo Marx wig and Ringling Bros. makeup do absolutely nothing for you.

3. You have bad breath, Mildred!

4. I think it's really shitty of you not to give me your sister's phone number.

5. You've got a crumby job. Seriously.

6. You're a terrible conversationalist.

7. Finish high school. Please.

8. Your wooden leg is outdated. Have you never heard the word 'upgrade'?

What A. Maroon said...

"Oink if you're Amish."

boneguy said...

Where's the kosher foods section? You're shitting me, right?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pork Belly's are down!"

JohnnyB said...

alinla misunderstands the point of my captions.

Anonymous Coward said...

"This Seinfeld episode is fifteen years old, and I still don't know what 'vorshtien' means."

Anonymous said...

"I lost my duck". "We don't allow ducks in the mall", she say's to the pig.

The Notorious P.I.G. said...

"The Overweight Lover's in the house!!"

Angus Podgorny said...

I crossed the fuckin' road, too. Why doesn't anybody ask about me?

Angus Podgorny said...

I'm being stalked by a flying bust of Kathy Griffin on skis, and - hey, is that a caterpillar on your shirt?

Angus Podgorny said...

I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them.

Tim H said...

"I wrote the OINK-OINK part and the EE-I-EE-I-OH part, but did I see Dollar One in residuals? NO!"

Kathy H said...

"Just like Mick Stevens, I want to 'play the saxaphone in Grand Central and become a legend.'"

Anonymouse said...

"Whaddya mean you have no tail-straightener?"

Baramos said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tim H said...

"Tell that guy trying to make those silk purses to knock it off!"

Anonymous said...

"It's hell living here in Boca. I'm not exactly kosher, you know."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"I now know that the first thing you do each day is send out a wink on you instant message to pretty much everyone, unfortunately I am not all that computer literate and I am now hopelessly in love with you. Is it all women’s intention to have any and all men fall in love with them with no regard at all for what few feelings I am able to drag up from the depths of my callused and broken heart”?

NJ-to-TX said...

"We have to let you go -- Everyone's happy. The customers all say they feel like a pig in shit when they come here."

Anonymous said...

"Onay oneway inway isthay entireway aceplay illway elphay emay etgay aidlay!"

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit Ennis.”
---Jack Twist

Dex said...

"Give me my specs!"

boneguy said...

The straw house will be fine. The wolf in my story has end-stage COPD.

Anonymouse said...

"I just lost my TV commercial gig with GEICO."

Dr Sumguy said...

"A guy just walked up to me ... Said, 'That'll Do Pig' ... And stole my wallet and my sheepdogs!"

Patient of Dr. Sumguy said...

"Baa Ram Ewe"

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Satireguy said...

"How was I supposed to know it's a kosher store?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Despite our reputation, we are not the dirty animals that many people believe us to be. We’re actually quite clean. Our reputation as a filthy animal comes from our habit of rolling in mud to cool off. Those of us who live in cool, covered environments stay very clean."

Pig said...

"No offense, but your tits are weird"

. said...

"I've been traveling to visit family and friends back east. I was attacked by mosquitos in Vermont than was drenched in a down pour while trying to get a cab outside the Port Authority in NYC at rush hour. No cabs in sight I walked with two weeks worth of baggage in tow. Took me an hour. Now I'm behind judging some dumb-ass contest."

--alinla (in NYC)

LR said...

"Shut up, Pat, everyone knows your crotch holds a strap-on."

Steve_O said...

"The ratings for 'Fashion Star' are down, Eric treats me like shit, and I can't even button my Daisy Duke shorts any more!"

Anonymous said...

"Oh, and not enough people are voting for Steve_O's sister Dianna!"

http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?tab=vote&affiliate=ny-caption

Tony Robbins said...

"Jeez, al, I always knew you couldn't spell, but now you're showing yourself to be a whiny excuse-making baby. You are not a victim. You can manifest your own success. For what it's worth, your comment is my "winner" this week!!"

Anonymouse said...

[Alright, Anonymous -- if that's your real name -- I voted for what's his name's sister. But, do you really think her caption is better than my Anti-Cap Contest FIRST PRIZE "asinine cap"? I'm just sayin'. Oh, and alinla, I know a good Midtown pawn shop where you can pick up a pair or testicles, cheap.]

Don Jr. said...

"kill and eat me or quit slandering my name".

Anonymous said...

"Okay, Anonymouse (if that's your real name), your Anti-cap was clearly much better. It is now incumbent upon Alinla to kidnap Mankoff, drive to LA with him, force him to sign a print, and then send it to you. Anything less would be a clear violation of the spirit of this mock contest. Oh- and I wish I was taller."

REX said...

"Now remember, If anyone has a complaint just roll your eyes and look annoyed. I'll be in my office counting my money if you need me."

Satireguy said...

"The salesman who sold me the football assured me it was made from synthetic materials."

H. Hock said...

"Really? You're married to the CEO of Forever 21? My husband was Head Cheese at Ralphs."

H. Hock said...

Dear alinla:

I am going to tweak and resubmit my anti-caps until you either arrive safely home from NYC or get your computer out of hock.

Don't pay attention to my uappreciative cohorts; they know not what they say. Had I known you were in the Big Apple, I'd have asked my friend Jerome Washington III to hail you a cab.

Hurry back and have a safe trip. And if there's anything I can do for you, anything at all, you just let me know.

I. Wynn

James "Jimmy" Dean said...

"It is untenable that there are no stores in this entire god-saken place that sell HAM-mer pants!"

Mrs. Hock, Wife of H. Hock (who is going to kill me) said...

Dear alinla:

It is a scientific fact that there are only 4 mosquitoes in the entire state of Vermont. And even if they all did decide to find and attack you, what has that to do with your forsaking of the contest? Put on some Calamine lotion and suck it up, my friend.

Mrs. Hock, Wife of H. Hock (who is going to kill me) said...

Dear alinla:

It is a scientific fact that there are only 4 mosquitoes in the entire state of Vermont. And even if they all did decide to find and attack you, what has that to do with your forsaking of the contest? Put on some Calamine lotion and suck it up, my friend.

Mrs. Hock, Wife of H. Hock (who is going to kill me) said...

Dear alinla:

It is a scientific fact that there are only 4 mosquitoes in the entire state of Vermont. And even if they all did decide to find and attack you, what has that to do with your forsaking of the contest? Put on some Calamine lotion and suck it up, my friend.

Mrs. Hock, Wife of H. Hock (who is going to kill me) said...

Dear alinla:

It is a scientific fact that there are only 4 mosquitoes in the entire state of Vermont. And even if they all did decide to find and attack you, what has that to do with your forsaking of the contest? Put on some Calamine lotion and suck it up, my friend.

Mrs. Hock, wife of H. Hock said...

Oops.

James "Jimmy" Dean said...

"It is untenable that there are no stores in this entire god-forsaken place that sell HAM-mer pants!"

Anonymous said...

"I have no beef."

Anonymous said...

"Our president isn't even American"

P. Onzi said...

"Madoff."

Kathy H said...

"Once again, Mankoff completely ignores the Anti-Cap Contest!"

Anonymous said...

Which makes him part of the 99.9999% that also ignore it, Kathy H.

Kathy H said...

[Yeah, Mankoff will never make it into our 00.0001% Club.]

Marty_K said...

Note to Anonymous (6:22 entry)- There's no racism in the caption contest. Mainly because there's no black people in the caption contest.

Skee Lo said...

"I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl that looked good - I would call her."

Anonymous said...

Getting bored waiting for al's return?

Click on this blast from the past:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9BNoNFKCBI&feature=fvwrel

Still mind boggling after all these years!

Maiayisha Washington-Cheung, Anti-Cap Regular said...

Dear Anonymous:

Re. your entries on 07/23/12 at 06:22 a.m. and 10:37 a.m., you're NOT funny; at ALL. I know you haven't got it in you, but try being clever and creative anyway.

Dear Marty_K:

How the fuck would you know?

Tim H said...

"On second thought, I'm completely satisfied."

U.R. Dumm said...

Dear Anonymous of 07/24/12 4:22 AM (and before):

Your lack of depth, profound ignorance, and sparse, limited vocabulary are brining the intellectual level of this contest, way, WAY down. You don't belong here and are out of your league. It is a pity that your trailer's been repossessed, toothlessness and crystal methamphetamine addiction run rampant in your community, and your offspring were featured in a 2011 episode of Feed the Children, but don't take it out on us.

Anonymous said...

"Okay, so what did the turtle say?"

Anonymous said...

The pig says, "Alinla isn't on vacation. He quit the contest out of disgust."

Don Jr. said...

"When I can fly you will go out with me? Ah...I'm all booked up for that day".

Anonymous said...

“Like I told the turtle---I can’t wait much longer for alinla.I gotta’ go wee, wee, wee.”


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

Alinla morphs into a flying turtle after being bitten by an alien Vermont mosquito ... ETA in LA unknown.

Steve_O said...

Note to Alinla: Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself. On the weeks you're too busy, just pick a 1st, 2nd, & 3rd and post without editorial comment. Or, alternatively, deputize someone to fill in during those weeks. (JohnnyB seems to have a lot of time on his hands.)Just a suggestion...

NJ-to-TX said...

"My mother's body parts only sold for an average of $3.38 a pound."

Damon said...

"Why does JCPenney have a `complaints' mirror?"

Jackson Pollock said...

No, the pig is not quoting Patti Smith's most unfortunate song. You are the pig.

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