Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #323

NOTE: It's a good bet that few of you experience the majesty of peacocks aimlessly roaming the streets. As it happens, Mrs. alinla and I live only a stone's throw from the Los Angeles Arboretum & Botanic Garden. Years ago peacocks brought into the place fled into the surrounding neighborhood. They were cute so the locals fed them. This being California no one challenged their resident status, so they thrived.
Now, if you drive around these parts [can't walk, not allowed], you see dozens of these huge birds lounging on lawns or bopping along nerviously on spindly legs. They have tiny heads, beady eyes and pointy little beaks. There's a flourish of tiny feathers atop their head that looks like an old lady's Sunday hat. Like many of the natives they are highly territorial, easily confused and react with aggression when frightened.
It adds a picturesque quality to the area, but many home owners say peacocks suck. Aside from their hideous ear splitting squawk, they cluelessly lumber across busy streets stopping traffic [if they're lucky]. Worst of all, if history has taught us anything: the bigger the bird, the bigger the bird shit. Parked cars nearby look like someone bombarded them with spoonfuls of oatmeal. Streets are similarly pot marketed with a chalky white blobs. [There are no sidewalks, because, really, no one walks]. I have included a photo taken by Mrs. alinla as we drove around one day recently. We were hoping to see his feathers fanned out like the NBC icon we grew up with, but after a few minutes we drove off. Just wanted to show that I know something about the subject of this lame-ass cartoon.

WINNERS 


FIRST PLACE

"Sqwauck!" * Bird talk for "My brain is too small to develop a vocabulary." (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cartoons with talking animals are a well established staple of NYer cartoons--and a fitting reminder of the self importance that shapes the magazine's personality. They assume the entire animal kingdom is as cynical and duplicitous as we humans. This cap reminds us that peacocks have the deductive reasoning skills to realize they are not that smart. More than funny, it's slightly snotty.) 


SECOND PLACE
Like my Mother always said, "Pride goeth before the fowl...!"
Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This wins the obvious pun award but the peacock's display of plumage is in the service of getting laid--so it's not about pride. It is also based on a quote from the Beatles song "I'm a loser": "And so it's true, pride comes before a fall...I'm telling you so that you won't lose all."  So this really works here.)


THIRD PLACE
(Whispering) "More like a 'pea-dick' if you ask me." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on a few levels. Males with petite genitalia often over compensate. Also many people don't understand that only males are peacocks. Females are peahens and offspring are peachicks. [If a car runs one over it becomes pea soup.] If it makes crappy music it becomes Pea-Diddy] ) 

HONORABLE MENTION

“Well, he wouldn't have gotten away with that in my day . . . of course, the times they are a’changin . . . as evidenced by the fact that a Dylan reference will not even get you an Honorable Mention anymore.” --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But some times it will. Don't criticize what you can't understand.)

"...so, I sez to Mabel, I sez..." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The two peachicks see this all the time. Nothing new here. Very authentic.)


For bird that wasn't drafted, his plumage is Lin-credible. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to flavor-of-the-month, Jeremy Lin. As a Knick he will watch the NBA playoffs as I do--on TV. )

"That guy is Lin-sane! Hey, I'm nothing if not topical." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Lin was soooooo three weeks ago [when this cap was entered, I admit] Looks like you are back to being nothing. )

"Seeing him in the New Yorker just makes me think of the little girl in the red dress in Schindler's List." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: (This calls attention to the NYer's puzzling use of color in only one element of the image. The cap writer is not saying that peacocks remind him of Nazi death camps.)

"I'd be getting laid constantly if my ass did that." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here in L.A., how much your ass makes, where it lives and what it drives are what determines the level and quality of your recreational sex.) 

"I pluck you long time. Then fly on glill." --Li Po (C from B) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Berry nice.)


"Everyone knows your plumage is a clip-on." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reminder that accomplishment invites contempt. It's also a nod to the classic anti-cap: "Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your parrot's a clip-on" so it should have included a "shut up, Bob" at the beginning. Let's not bastardize our heritage, such as it is. )

Ever since he got that gig with NBC there's no talking to him-! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You mean the gig he has had for the last several decades? Not exactly side-splitting hilarity but peacock is to NBC what pea-brain is to Fox. )

"I think it's kinda sad how he keeps standing there, waiting to be judged. Should we just say `Honorable Mention' so he can move on?" --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We can all agree that the desperate need for even meaningless validation is a sad commentary on our time. This is why honorable mentions are scattered here like manure in a garden.) 

Judge already --Miss Tampax, Uptight & outasight. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)

74 comments:

Blonde said...

Ever since he got that gig with NBC there's no talking to him-!

Anonymous said...

"Drag Queen"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He finally nailed his origami folding instructions!"

NAMBY said...

(Whispering) "More like a 'pea-dick' if you ask me."

Glenn said...

“I’ve heard that with humans, it’s the colored ones that have the biggest dicks. So why is it that with us, they are the biggest dicks?”

Kathy H said...

"I hear they're not real."

Anonymouse said...

"...so, I sez to Mabel, I sez..."

Tim H said...

"Yes, but it's sooooo anti-aerodynamic."

boneguy said...

For bird that wasn't drafted, his plumage is Lin-credible.

boneguy said...

Don't be fooled. They're just really good extensions.

Damon said...

"He's busy. Wanna try that lesbian sex thing again?"

Kathy H said...

"...beautiful plumage, the Norwegian Blue."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's doing his origami bird impression!"

Steve_O said...

"If only that wasn't all he could get up..."

Glenn said...

"Seeing him in the New Yorker just makes me think of the little girl in the red dress in Schindler's List."

Damon said...

"I'd be getting laid constantly if my ass did that."

Racer X said...

"What a douche!"

Li Po (C from B) said...

"I pluck you long time. Then fly on glill."

Anonymouse said...

"That guy is Lin-sane! Hey, I'm nothing if not topical."

Glenn said...

"I had to sit behind the fucker at Sweet Bird of Youth.

Anonymous said...

"Let's kill him."

Blonde said...

Like my Mother always said, "Pride goeth before the fowl...!"

Anonymous said...

"Okay, then we'll tar and leather him."

Dex said...

"Christ, what an ass show!"

Satireguy said...

"Don't bother, Helen, he's obviously gay."

Dr Sumguy said...

"His erection has already lasted more than 4 hours! ... Better call the ornithologist!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's excited! The court just approved his petition to change his name from Peacock, to OMGSTANDBACKIDONTKNOWHOWBIG THISTHINGSGOINGTOGET.com!!!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I remember when his caboose was no larger than a Lionel!"

boneguy said...

Southwest makes him buy three seats every time he flies.

Glenn said...

"Someone threw up and blew chunks with eyes in it."

David Macharelli said...

"Fuckin' showoff."

smuck said...

"Sqwauck!"

* Bird talk for "My brain is too small to develop a vocabulary."

smuck said...

"Everyone knows your plumage is a clip-on."

Anonymous said...

aaaooohh! aooo!

Damon said...

"Flip him, Adele."

Kathy H said...

"Hey, I didn't know the Mummers were in town!"

Tim H said...

"Not for nothing, but if ever need someone to hitchhike with, he's your guy."

Tim H said...

[...if you ever need...]

Color-Blind Lesbian Peahen said...

"Who Cares"

Anonymous said...

"Someone should tell him that Mardi Gras is over."


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

"All show, no ho!"

Anonymous said...

"Told ya Elvis was still alive."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"He's my biggest fan."

Anonymous said...

"Around him I feel like a stripper."

Satireguy said...

"Well cock-a-doodle doo."

Pee Wee Cock said...

"I mated with him last season. Believe me, there's no truth in advertising."

Carly said...

"So I say to the guy, 'I'll bet you think this song is about you, don't you, don't you,' and then he plucks me."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"Judging from his drag coefficient, I'd say he's a queen."

boneguy said...

Worst. Threesome. Ever.

smuck said...

"They say pride cometh before the fall. This guy comeths before you even get started."

Dr Sumguy said...

"He hasn't moved in days! .. We think it's Liquor Mortis!"

Anonymous said...

“Typical New Yorker . . . another pathetic attempt at going green.”


---left coast wayne

Shelly said...

"He's the best peacock blocker ever."

Tim H said...

"Yeah, but try storing that in the overhead compartment."

P. Cox said...

"Look! He removed his 'EXIT ONLY' sign."

Anonymous said...

"And I thought my split ends were bad."

Dr Sumguy said...

Cardboard Peacock, a fun and inexpensive preschool project.

Anonymous said...

"Who the fuck is Mr. DeMille?"

Anonymous said...

"If it doesn't work out, just change the Chanel."

Steve_O said...

(...gay!)

Anonymous said...

I'm getting wet down there. Remind me again, do we have pussies?

Kathy H said...

"I wonder who he's wearing."

Anonymous said...

"Oh, that's just Bjork being Bjork . . . or being Cher. I forget which."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Well, he wouldn’t have gotten away with that in my day . . . of course, the times they are a’changin . . . as evidenced by the fact that a Dylan reference will not even get you an Honorable Mention anymore.”


---Bobby Z

Anonymous said...

"The feathers he's dragging on the ground are already disgusting."

Satireguy said...

"I think it must be the Viagra in his birdseed."

Ghost to the Post said...

"She thinks she's soooo...hip doesn't she? Well I've got news for her, she's no hip pea chick, no hip, hip,hip, hip, hip, no hip pea chick'!"
"You know ellen that's the second time you used that SoHo song reference this week, except you got the song confused with the one by the Smiths..."

Ghost to the Post said...

"She probably got it at Burlington Coat factory...they do have the best selection of down jackets"

Anonymous said...

"I want to be here when the shit hits the fan."

granny said...

"Hey pal, explosive green diarrhea is nothing to be proud of."

Damon said...

"I think it's kinda sad how he keeps standing there, waiting to be judged. Should we just say `Honorable Mention' so he can move on?"

Miss Tampax, Uptight & outasight. said...

Judge already

Ken L said...

It's been more than 4 hours. Call your doctor!

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