Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #322























WINNERS
FIRST PLACELittle known fact: Hunter S. Thompson occasionally liked to visit the Grasshopper Dude Ranch in southern Colorado. --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tribute cap that is slightly plausible. The guy on the grasshopper does have a slight resembalance to Duke, a recurring character in the comic strip Doonsbury who is loosely based on Thompson. With the aid of tequila and peyote, the founder of gonzo journalism rode many huge grasshoppers [and dragons and unicorns...] without ever leaving the comfort of his lair. This one made me smile. None of the others did that.)



SECOND PLACE"Fucking Budget Rent-A-Horse." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bareknuckles comment on the perils of cheap car rentals. At least they didn't give him a mini van. [Yeah, Alamo, I'm talking to you!])


THIRD PLACEText Color
"I don't mind the caterpillar, per se. It's that gosh darn English-style saddle that's got my britches all up in a bunch." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few minutes later Kathy came back, [frantically I assume] to correct herself, noting it was "Just another mixing-up-caterpillars-with-grasshoppers correction. " For the record there was only one such correction but we appreciate your persistance. "Gosh dang" would have beed more historically accurate. Good use of "britches," though.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS"I'm lookin' fo' a Shaolin Monkey they call 'Grasshoppa'. They say he snatched a coin from the hand of some Po blind Chinaman." --Kwai Chain Gang (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Deeply flawed and not at all funny--but a nod to the classic TV show Kung Fu (1972–1975). "Po" is also an impressive little pun because it was also the name of the blind Shaolin monk. Even so, "monkey" is stupid and it was a pebble, not a coin. Good use of the word "snatched," though.)


aye Guvnor this one does make me wicket a wee bit stcky as it were ,Wot? --penis van lesbian (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of a Cockey British thing. As is so frequesntly the case, this makes the cut only because I have this pathedic need to show I get even the obscure weird shit. The signature suggests it was entered by someone who struggles for acceptance.)

"I reckon if we mate these two we could create another Steve Buscemi. 'Hello my baby, Hello my darlin, hello my ragtiiiiime gaaaaallll!'" --Little B. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To weird to ignore. Buscemi's sad eyes and fish lips do recall the singing cartoon frog , Michigan J. Frog. To what end, I'm not sure.)
Dewey, now awake and inspired, knew he'd have to change a few things from the dream as he wrote. "I'll put down that it was a horse with no name. That will make a lot more sense." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The 70's classic rock song, A Horse with No Name, was written by Dewey Bunnell--that's all you need to know for this to have merit.)
"Sue filly salesman, you crazy bastard. You done got a lemon." --Litigious Pete (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tourtured nod to a classic. Some times we take what we get.)
"Well, Obama did promise change." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A seldom used classic that can be plugged into almost any cartoon. My take: the grasshopper is a medaphor for the struggling multitudes ready to sping fourth during Barry's second term when he can finally advance his pro-gay, anti-rich folks, socialist agenda. Can't wait!)


“Looks to me like you got a Top Fuel Funny Nag with a Garlits rear engine prototype, new to these parts . . . well, I’m here to tell ya’ that I’ve got a Pro Super Stock “Doorslammer” with naturally-aspirated horsepower run on pure oats, pardner . . . Best two outta’ three elapsed time, son??? . . . You betchum’ . . . Let’s drag!!!”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Much thought went into this, on that much we can all agree. One minute after it was posted it was re-posted with a note that said ". . . well, not that anonymous . . ." Remarkably, the author, blw, wants full credit for this. Noted.)


"Enough of the 'grasshopper-blind-martial arts' crap this cartoon is supposed to convey. What you don't know, dude, is that a huge asp from L.A. who will eat two Johnny B.s in one gulp to produce quite the sexy snake butt has been following us for the last three hours. I have the better ride." --Suzanna L. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one is all over the map. Presumbably the "asp from L.A." is your humble judge. We all know Johnny B. is someone who enteres the contest again and again for no apparent reason. The only thing redeeming about this: "Sexy snake butt' would be a good name for an alt-rock band. And as for following you for three hours? It feels like an eternity.)
"Ever notice that anyone who's consistently funny never wins this contest?""Ever notice that al in la can't spell to save the life of a piss-ant?""Ever notice that once mounted, a cricket's song becomes sad and melancholy?""Ever notice that once mounted, a cicada's buzz requires whiskey and marijuana?""Ever notice that once mounted, sheep become convivial and outgoing?""Whores are a waste of time. They all have syphilis.""Name's Bill." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay we get it. A multi-cap entry with attitude. The author wants to mount bugs and cast asperstions. Clearly he or she is one of us. A few questions: Why would I want to save the life of a piss ant and isn't it naive to say ALL whores have syphilis? [Some have gonorrhea.] Also, have you ever noticed how bad some of these caps can be? I do.)

114 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"I see you just came from 'Area 51'!"

boneguy said...

I told you to score some grass, Hopper.

Sam Antic said...

"Hey Partner, any chance dat dar magic horse o' yours could play 'Home on the Range' out of its asshole again?"

Anonymous said...

"Sure he looks plum different, but he gets dang good mileage on just a few stalks of any crop you might care to grow."


---blw

True Grits said...

"Just 'cause they blinded ya', you ain't got to leave town like Katy did."

Dr Sumguy said...

"That thar sound they make in flight. ... Do that come from their hind snapper?"

Kwai Chain Gang said...

"I'm lookin' fo' a Shaolin Monkey they call 'Grasshoppa'. They say he snatched a coin from the hand of some Po blind Chinaman."

Glenn said...

"The one commands he knows is 'autoerotic asphyxia.' Gets him up and going right away."

JohnnyB said...

I asked if you wanted to ride along, not hop along, Cassidy.

boneguy said...

I cain't put my finger on it, Jeb, but somthin's buggin'me.

cubshlub said...

The best thing is she runs on pubio lice. I've saved a ton in oats!

cubshlub said...

The best thing is she runs on pubic lice. I've saved a ton on oats!

Tim H said...

"I don't get it. What part of 'equal parts crème de menthe, crème de cacao and fresh cream, shaken with ice and strained into a chilled cocktail glass' didn't that bartender understand?"

Kathy H said...

"No. You ain't got no flat. That hissing ya hear is 'cause ya got one of them there rare Madagascar hissing grasshoppers."

Evil Mark said...

Ya look like hell, Frank. That thing keep ya up all night, again?!?

Damon said...

"Horses tend to stick around the morning after. And I also like not having to stand on a ladder."

Anonymouse said...

"No, you idiot. I said 'That's a butte' not, 'That's a beaut.'"

Tim H said...

"What kind of reception you get with those antennae?"

Satireguy said...

Tex was the best grasshopper wrangler east of the Pecos.

Satireguy said...

Howdy, pardner. You must be new in these parts.

Little B. said...

"I reckon if we mate these two we could create another Steve Buscemi. 'Hello my baby, Hello my darlin, hello my ragtiiiiime gaaaaallll!'"

Anonymous said...

"Well, Obama did promise change."

Anonymouse said...

"It's called dressage. Try it sometime."

Sarah said...

"Hey douche, you're riding a fucking cricket."

Backward Ass Cntry Fuck said...

"Billy-Bob, is that you? I remember when you was just knee-high to a ....well, hot damn!!"

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Budget Rent-A-Horse."

Dex said...

"Hopper? I barely know her!"

horseboy said...

"If you're going to be a cowboy, you've got to ride a cow, dagnabbit!"

Blonde said...

Noooooo Dude - I said go saddle up your "critter" NOT "cricket!"

Uncle, ream us. said...

"I'm sure her 'Fuck you and the cricket you rode in on.' was not to be taken literally."

True Grits said...

"So 'twas you what founded the iHop restaurants. I like your pancake selection, but Denny's skillets are a force to be reckoned with."

Uncle, ream us. said...

"The name's Bill. Pecos Bill. Is there a lizard behind us?"

Anonymous said...

"What? You mean, crickets live on pubic lice?"

Kwai Chain Gang said...

"Your horses gait is a somewhat cricket. I'm just sayin'."

Anonymous said...

"Ever notice that anyone who's consistently funny never wins this contest?"

"Ever notice that al in la can't spell to save the life of a piss-ant?"

"Ever notice that once mounted, a cricket's song becomes sad and melancholy?"

"Ever notice that once mounted, a cicada's buzz requires whiskey and marijuana?"

"Ever notice that once mounted, sheep become convivial and outgoing?"

"Whores are a waste of time. They all have syphilis."

"Name's Bill."

Peyton said...

"Face it, Eli, I'm always the colt. You'll always be the cricket, but at least now it's a giant cricket."

Shelly said...

"No, that's a horse I'm ridin', and they call me 'Hal: Locust denier'."

REX said...

"Tar nation! This t'aint no horse. Horses don't hop. I'm blind, son. Not stupid."

Anonymouse said...

"Let me know when you want to switch."

Kathy H said...

"I don't mind the caterpillar, per se. It's that gosh darn English-style saddle that's got my britches all up in a bunch."

Damon said...

"I feel like we took a long time to draw."

Blonde said...

Really????

Blonde said...

If the border wall won't keep those pesky varmints outta here- you can bet the farm that Ol Paint, my faithful praying mantis, sure will!

boneguy said...

You just fuck with their DNA and voila, Watson and Cricket!

Tim H said...

"I understand that grasshopper-riding will be a medal sport at the 2016 Olympics in Rio."

Kathy H said...

[Just another mixing-up-caterpillars-with-grasshoppers correction]

"I don't mind the grasshopper, per se. It's that gosh darn English-style saddle that's got my britches all up in a bunch."

Anonymous said...

“Just three things to remember about Real Estate out here in these parts . . . ‘locus, locus, locus’ . . . that’s Latin, son.”


---left coast wayne

boneguy said...

I threw her a rope and dragged her carapace out of the deep fryer.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Not much of cattle wranglar, but she'll do zero to sixty in 3 seconds flat!"

Damon said...

"I'd really appreciate it if we could get across the desert without you yelling `boing!' the whole fucking way."

Blonde said...

Ranchers seem to like her ok - Farmers - not so much.

Blonde said...

Bummer, when you said you'd be driving your new 'Cicada' I expected to see show up in something a lot more exotic, red and Italian...

boneguy said...

But Dude, you said you were a huge cricket fan.

Anonymous said...

“Looks to me like you got a Top Fuel Funny Nag with a Garlits rear engine prototype, new to these parts . . . well, I’m here to tell ya’ that I’ve got a Pro Super Stock 'Doorslammer' with naturally-aspirated horsepower run on pure oats, pardner . . . Best two outta’ three elapsed time, son??? . . . You betchum’ . . . Let’s drag!!!”

Anonymous said...

. . . well, not that anonymous . . .

“Looks to me like you got a Top Fuel Funny Nag with a Garlits rear engine prototype, new to these parts . . . well, I’m here to tell ya’ that I’ve got a Pro Super Stock “Doorslammer” with naturally-aspirated horsepower run on pure oats, pardner . . . Best two outta’ three elapsed time, son??? . . . You betchum’ . . . Let’s drag!!!”


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

"The good news ... She's FAA certified! ... The bad news ... She's insured by 'Orkin', but only as a defendant!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I ordered a new VW Beetle, and dang if I didn't end up with this GMC Jiminy!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"How far to Black Rock City?"

boneguy said...

It comes with a better lifetime warranty than the Hyundai Fruitfly.

Paul Arnold said...

A cricket? You think I'm some kind of prevert? This here's a grasshopper

Dr Sumguy said...

"She has an unusual gait! ... Neither a canter or a gallop! ... I'd say, closer to a diarrheal trot!"

Anonymouse said...

"That's right. My name is Tex, but I'm not from Texas. I'm from Louisiana. But, I'll be damned if I let another dickweed call me Louise."

Anonymous said...

"The old green mare, she ain't what she use to be."

AW said...

"Yeah, it's reeaaallly hard to sneak up on people on a green grasshopper in the desert sand. Whoopsie."

Glenn said...

"Looks like the same durned idiot who made your hat made mine."

Glenn said...

"Looks like the same durned idiot who made your hat made mine."

Dr Sumguy said...

"To be honest ... I do miss the 'Clippetty Clop'!"

Glenn said...

Dewey, now awake and inspired, knew he'd have to change a few things from the dream as he wrote. "I'll put down that it was a horse with no name. That will make a lot more sense."

Anonymous said...

You're never gonna get any posse drivin' that.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"So, pardner, which one are you? Buddy Holly or Bobby Vee? And where in tarnation's the rest of the band???"


---blw

Anonymous said...

“It ain’t your mount I’m that interested in . . . what I want to know is where’d you get them sunglasses, pardner???”


---Foster Grant

Kwai Chain Gang said...

"Your horse's gait is somewhat cricket. I'm just sayin'."

Anonymous said...

"I got my auto erotic insurance at Geico."

David Macharelli said...

"The Old West was known for especially cruel pranks on blind people."

Anonymous said...

"It's not a hopper, it's a chopper, baby."

Satireguy said...

Little known fact: Hunter S. Thompson occasionally liked to visit the Grasshopper Dude Ranch in southern Colorado.

Anonymous said...

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

Anonymous said...

"Giant Horse Lubber Grasshoppers are sexually dimorphic, with males attaining a body length of just under 7 feet, while females are larger, reaching lengths of up to 7.5 feet. Males have longer wings, extending to the end of the abdomen and allowing them to fly, while females' wings barely extend past the thorax, leaving them grounded."

Anonymous said...

"Try catchin' up with a grasshopper up your ass."

Some Lowly Citizen said...

"I dunno? I guess I sort of expected a horse from the Department of Horseland Security."

Glenn said...

"How does she do with takt und schwung?"

Damon said...

"I done kissed a girl, and I liked it. Katydid, too."

Premature Ejackulation said...

"Poor choice for the 'Champion Hurdle Race', Tex!"

boneguy said...

The only problem with these hybrids is you never hear 'em coming.

Suzanna L. said...

"Enough of the 'grasshopper-blind-martial arts' crap this cartoon is supposed to convey. What you don't know, dude, is that a huge asp from L.A. who will eat two Johnny B.s in one gulp to produce quite the sexy snake butt has been following us for the last three hours. I have the better ride."

Anonymous said...

Mean people suck. Be nice to your fans.

Anonymous said...

“Come gather 'round cowpokes
Wherever you roam
And admit that the next century
Around you has grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be nothin’ but dry bones.
If your time to you
Is worth savin',
Then you better start ridin'
Somethin’ other than that old roan
For the times they are a-changin'.”


---Bobby Z

Steve_O said...

"You're right- this is a great place to drop acid."

Paddy said...

"Had I known the damage this little gal's exoskeleton was going to do to my undercarriage I would have named her 'Taint-Chafer' rather than 'Pluppins'."

Glenn said...

Dennis Hopper in a previous life

Anonymous said...

"Six feet, six inches, counting the penis."

Austin said...

"It's better than an invisible horse, ain't it?"

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I won her in a 'Stud Horse' poker game!"

Anonymous said...

"Now, that's curious . . . I couldn't help but notice, pardner, your saddle's plum different than mine."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"You really should have bought the travel insurance."

Litigious Pete said...

"Sue filly salesman, you crazy bastard. You done got a lemon."

Anonymous said...

"I figured you was an illegal when I saw you on a low-rider. Now, get out of Arizona."

Jim Cavanaugh

penis van lesbian said...

aye Guvnor this one does make me wicket a wee bit stcky as it were ,Wot?

Satireguy said...

"Let's bug out."

Satireguy said...

"Hey, it's an economical, lo cust ride."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Let Tex be. ... He doesn't know he's blind (and black too)!"

Anonymous said...

"You'll never make it through winter on that. You need to get yourself an ant."

Anonymous said...

"Come on man, we mate these two and we'll clean up at the track!"

Djeep said...

That Cricket sure is a Beauty an Lighter

Anonymous said...

"We haven't moved for two weeks, pardner . . . You wanna’ do your burnout now and move on to the first pass??? Or you just wanna flip a coin to figure out a winner of this dad-gummed quarter-miler???”


---Don “The Snake” Prudhomme

Dario R. said...

"Why? Ever hear of anyone shooting a grasshopper thief?"

cubshlub said...

I picked it up after a one night stand with Liza Minelli

Steve_O said...

"I wish I could quit you, Ennis. Oh, and what's up with that giant bug?"

Anonymous said...

"How bout' them Kniggerbockers."

Eric G said...

I drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.

Anonymouse said...

"Pardner, who would've thought two weeks ago, when I said, "Let's vamoose!" that we'd be jes' four feet down the trail by now."

Li Po (Cook from Bonanzer) said...

"Clicket or Ticket!"

Ken L said...

If push came to shove, I could always cover it in chocolate.

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