Saturday, August 13, 2011


Note: Legendary NY Times sports writer Red Smith once described a flamboyant ball player as a "hot dog," but added "it's a roll he can relish." The rich vocabulary of baseball includes no shortage of food-related expressions and puns. Last week's chef-in-the-dugout cartoon gave rise to an amazing number of caps that include some type of play on words. Most were awful, of course.
While you might say that's the way puns are supposed to be, there is a thin line between awful and waste-of-time-awful. Using a pun is like wearing spandex: Ask yourself first: Am I doing this because I can, or because it's a good thing to do?
While the above mentioned Anti-Cap contest will accept entries for another week, the brain trust here at HQ decided to disqualify all captions featuring a pun. This action is taken with absolutely no reluctance and safe in the knowledge that it will engender only indifference.
To illustrate why, below is an almost complete collection of captions with the pun(s) highlighted. What started as a trickle became a deluge. Soon, it was like sewerage seeping into a basement. I felt I had to put a stop to it.

Anti-Caps That Include a Pun:
Exit 16W: "You gotta lot of n'oeuvre serving that hors shit." Austin: Thanks to Baker and his inability to get down a bunt, we're now the laughing stock of the league for a different reason...Eric G: We need you to bundt...Dr Sumguy: "Pierre on deck! I suggest a sacrifice bundt."...Austin: There's no frying in baseball!...JohnnyB: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to fry... Rex: "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to stir-fry." JohnnyB: The infield fry rule is only in Japanese baseball...JohnnyB: Batter up...Glenn: "I'm expecting you to pitch a 1-2-3 parfait ninth." ...Anonymous: "Wok him and bitch to the giraffe." ...Dr Sumguy: "So you'r the new master batter!" ...boneguy: Pierre, get ready to go in. I need a skillet player at third..boneguy: You can stay seated. The scouting reports said you were a crepe-y player...Gary P: "I hope you brought your Aïoli game." [NOTE: Aioli is a garlic mayonnaise.]...bravesDodgersGiantsReds: "yeah... Dusty Baker ...we get it (whata dousche)...Dan: "Can you put some mustard on your balls?"...Kathy H: "Get up there and take one in the toque for the team." [NOTE: A toque is a type of hat with a narrow brim or no brim at all.]...Coach Bag: "Boyardee, how's the movement on your matzo ball today?"...Exit 16W: "Unidentified Frying Saucier"...Jim Cavanaugh: "Clean out your locker. You've served up your last 'tater." ...Sonny Zeider: he's not a great fielder, but when he gets on the basepaths he can rally cook! ...Sounds like hajes: "You got fries on Gil" ...Dum Dimaggio: "You're no Ripken, but you are in da Calzone."...Horst S.: don't knock him, he just went flour for flour with two Ding dongs...Shelly [3 caps]: "Start the lead-off batter with high heat, then reduce to a steady diet of sliders off the plate. And don't bean him."..."OK, knuckleheads, who can explain the infield fry rule?"..."It doesn't look like you have the range to play the outfield."....cta: "So we'll send in the chef to replace the baseball with an orange. That should really add some zest to the game!"... Tasteless: "Now we know why you got the runs.".... Satireguy: "Can you cook me up a high hard one?"


john horse said...

Nice cartoon.

Glenn said...

"I just frew in from Beijing, and boy are my eyes tired."

Rex said...

"So even if the chef realy has a tiny scrotum, we can't say any thing about his shrimp balls?"

The Guy on the Cream of Wheat Box said...

Look, al(inla), there was a fly in my soup and an apparent hair up your ass. Now make like an egg and beat it.

Anonymous said...

"I'll give you my pun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!"

Big Jim said...

"We are building a comedy force of extwaordinary magnitude. We forge our twadition in the spirwit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. Let me tell you an ancient Chinese secret"

Anonymous said...

"What was that? This is not a shawade."

Every person on earth said...

I dont care if Margaret Cho diddles herself on stage, she still isnt funny!

Anonymous said...

Then I will change my entry. To wit, "I said 'batter with a good bunt,' not 'faggot dressed like a French cunt.'" No one can accuse THAT of sounding like a pun.

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.