Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bonus Anti-Cap Contest

Note: Some cartoons lend themselves to Anti-Capping, some don't. Two guys sipping coffee in an office setting while watching a monster destroy their city has numerous possibilities. That's why this cartoon struck a cord. By Sunday night our little bonus contest drew an impressive 144 entries. That is, I believe, a record for this type of post and one of the highest totals seen in Anti-Caption history.
S
o even if you entered something that sucks (a likely occurrence), you can be proud. While, I expect it will be snubbed by the Guinness Book people, long-time Anti- cappers understand the significance. This also inspires me to cough up future Bonus Cartoons using the same approach: Find a compelling cartoon in the current issue that has a bland, pointless or lazy-ass cap and hold it up to ridicule. Let the Anti-Cappers do the rest. Thanks to all.
WINNERS FIRST PLACE "Hey, you just missed a jumper - a naked chick." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is much better than "I wish I had that kind of energy," but yet it's in the same vein. Jaded office drones would react to an across-the-street monster attack with bemused indifference and witty banter. And if naked chicks were plunging to a gruesome death, that would be even cooler to watch than the monster. But if any of this happened in the late afternoon, they would wonder how it might effect their commute home. Having worked most of my life in a big city office setting, I know these things to be true.)


SECOND PLACE "How come no one ever thinks to call the beast's owner?" --Rick O'Shay (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A statement about accountability and the importance of leash laws. )
THIRD PLACE
He's humping their lingerie department. -- The Chexx Mixx Kidd (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rookie upstart CMK once again jumps onto the leader board with a cap that's short, tasteless and timely. This was first cap submitted [Sunday, 4 a.m, PST] Note to fading Anti-Cap superstar JohnnyB: Watch this guy. Learn from him. In the mean time I gave him your locker.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
That reminds me, that crazy bastard Fusilli is coming to visit." --Jim Cavagnaw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is the cap I trotted out as an example, I am not so vein as to pick it as the top winner, but I didn't want it to go unrecognized. It really is a damn good Anti-Cap.)


The irony is that he found this gig on Monster.com. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No, that's coincidence, the plain vanilla cousin of irony. If these two bozos refused to evacuate because of their fascination with monsters, and were subsequently crushed like bugs by the beast, that would be slightly ironic.) "There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This prompted a much better response cap. See below. Damon, you've been served. )
WHITE GUY:
There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand

BLACK GUY: You're fired. Pick me up a two-piece with red beans and rice before you go. Oh yeah, with an extra-large grape Kool-Aid and a pack of Kool 100s. --Fah Kim (African-American male with Korean great-great-grandfather) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nicely played but slightly baffling. The person submitting this felt compelled to offer a race-based mini-bio. So maybe Damon's tasteless but mildly funny caption hit a nerve. I hope not. It was pretty mild. I can just hear Don Rickles: "Part black,  part Korean?...This hockey puck doesn't know whether he wants to open a grocery store or go hold one up!" Or Chis Rock: "You believe that shit! Niggar got some Korean blood in him. Some bitch ask this mother fucker to do her doggy style, he don't know if he's getting laid or havin' dinner!") 
"I dunno. I think that Rick Perry is coming on bit strong. Don't you think?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If arrogance and hypocrisy were marble and concrete, Perry would be the Washington Monument.)
"So why did they put this poster up in the cafeteria?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of the several caps that suggest the monster is just an image on the wall, this was the best. It recalls those tacky work place posters that have a single word like "Perseverance" and a definition that translates to "The action of keeping your job through increased productivity.") "I wish we had that kind of synergy."--topper "I wish I had that kind of androgyny." --smuck "This upsets you? I wish I had that kind of empathy." --Jess
"私はエネルギーのようなものを持っていた希望."
(Japanese for: "I wish I had that kind of energy.") --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Four impressive caps that are each better than the one that actually made it to the pages of the NYer. "Synergy" is the best of the lot, if you assume the monster works for a construction company or funeral home or something. The second suggests that the monster is big in more ways than one and the third is, you know, cute. The Japanese characters are berry berry impressive, but I have no way to check the spelling.) "At least his eyes don't pop out of his head." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice little dig at the the most memorable feature of this cartoonist's work) "I feel like we're a couple of midgets. Mmm, coffee. Did you grind?"-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A twisted yet somewhat enterprising version of the quasi-classic "I bought along a couple of midget. Do you mind?) The towers here are obscene. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A once dominant Anti-Capper, JohhnyB now is reduced to squeezing out tired classics.) "It's not as bad as last week, when the Yankees were panned in Boston, and puns were banned in L.A." -- Milli Godzilli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins an assortment of caps commenting on last week's highly controversial no pun rule. Rachel Meadows said it was a shameless power grab that would disproportionately hurt low income families. Neil Cavuto said it was long over due and that anyone who disagrees hates America: "Very George W. Bush-like," he fawned.) "You're right. It was George H.W. Bush who said, 'Read my lips: No new puns.' And we all know how that turned out." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He didn't lose, he got beat by Bubba. If The Big Dog challenges me for the Anti-Cap judgeship, I would put up a tougher fight than did Poppy. ) "He's doing a latte damage to those buildings. And fuck your no-pun rule, Al."-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So this is your rule breaking entry? It's like you broke into a bank late at night and stole office supplies.) Word on the street is that he's looking for some guy by the name of Al who just disqualified his anti-cap entry! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If he catches me, I will remind him that he has far more class and creativity than any other Anti Capper.) That's al-in-godzil-la. Either the Mets lost or people in those buildings were making puns. --JohnnyB I wish I had the kind of energy it takes to judge the anti-caps, but I don't. So I'm going to throw out all the puns and just judge the 5 remaining ones. Oh look, Godzilla. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like a sea turtle flipped over on its shell, Johnny is flailing away. Maybe if we help turn him over he will lay another egg. See ya next week, Johnny. Okay?) "Idiot, he found you by your IP address. " --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Won't that be the men's room -- because that's the address where he pees? As in "I pee address?" See? I can string together words that make a good pun, I simply choose knot to.) "Dunno, he came back from upstate New York and he's been really cranky every since." --Punmeister (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I am
very happy to be home. If you find my manner terse and slightly condescending that is probably because you never enter anything worthwhile. But I am not cranky. To paraphrase the Hulk: You don't want to see me when I'm cranky.)


145 comments:

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

He's humping their lingerie department.

Anonymous said...

"Give him credit, he clawed his way to the top." Get it!? He CLAWED HIS WAY TO THE TOP!!! HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!! Ohhhh mercy!

Dememtrius

Anonymous said...

"It's good there aren't any...uhhhh dumb people here to see this."

Bev

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

King Kong, Ghost Busters and Men In Black are all phoning it in for another week. Only Evrolet Girl can save us now.

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

Come on, Carl, we're “Mad Men”. We can come up with a favorable way to spin anything.

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

Look! He's taking a dump on Donald Trump.

Anonymous said...

"Finish cleaning the toilets, Jackson. You can watch this on YouTube later."

Dan

Anonymous said...

"The Trade Towers is still my personal favorite."

Exit 16W

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

I can't wait to mount that Son of a Bitch on my den wall.

JohnnyB said...

Too bad you were on vacation last week. The boss was showing Basic Instinct.

JohnnyB said...

That's al-in-godzil-la. Either the Mets lost or people in those buildings were making puns.

Anonymous said...

"I wish we had that kind of synergy."

topper

Tim H said...

"I don't know, but I think it's cruel and unusual punish...D'oh! "

Anonymous said...

"That reminds me, that crazy bastard Fusilli is coming to visit."

Jim Cavagnaw

Kathy H said...

"I don't think that spayed-and-neutered thing is working."

boneguy said...

Is it Maurice Sendak week already again this year?

boneguy said...

The irony is that he found this gig on Monster.com.

David Macharelli said...

"No. No. NO! Godzilla, and you really mean Gojira by the way, doesn't have horns! That's just a shitty knockoff."

Anonymouse said...

"I heard that the No. 2 line was delayed. I guess I now know why."

Tim H said...

"Did you get the memo on this? 'Cause I sure didn't."

Damon said...

"There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand."

Kathy H said...

"I dunno. I think that Rick Perry is coming on bit strong. Don't you think?"

boneguy said...

I wish the city would supply them with real chess pieces.

Anonymous said...

"Kind of weird, but Godzilla is kind of making me hard right now."

Anonymous said...

"The building inspectors here are very strict."

Anonymouse said...

[...for the record, the building inspectors brillance was mine...]

Tim H said...

"This coffee sucks."

smuck said...

"He's doing a latte damage to those buildings. And fuck your no-pun rule, Al."

Give him a coffee enema said...

Of course he looks mad – he's had a bad case of Karmageddon ever since he rammed Tim H. up his ass.

I hope their lawyers are funny said...

Look! It's Kathy H and Anonymouse's lawyer – and he's hung like a hamster.

Smuck = Anonymous (your M.O. is showing) said...

Brilliant, like hell.

Anonymouse couldn't pour piss from a boot even if the instructions were printed on the heel.

Walt said...

Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?

Anonymous said...

"I'll take the police and give you the firemen plus 10."

Dan

JohnnyB said...

I wish I had the kind of energy it takes to judge the anti-caps, but I don't. So I'm going to throw out all the puns and just judge the 5 remaining ones. Oh look, Godzilla.

smuck said...

"I feel like we're a couple of midgets. Mmm, coffee. Did you grind?"

Anonymous said...

"No, not that high-rise."

Exit 16W

Kathy H said...

"Joke's on him. In fifty years this whole place will be underwater."

Anonymouse said...

"You're right. It was George H.W. Bush who said, 'Read my lips: No new puns.' And we all know how that turned out."

Anonymous said...

somebody shoot her....

Steve_O said...

"That reminds me...I ran into my ex yesterday."

Satireguy said...

"At least his eyes don't pop out of his head."

Satireguy said...

"Urban renewal's a bitch."

Anonymous said...

"Book him."

cent

Austin said...

I still don't understand this motivational poster.

Dr Sumguy said...

"This remind's me. Do you have any peparation h suppositories?"

Dr Sumguy said...

preparation

Glenn said...

"I put tabs of acid in our coffees. Hey, did you ever notice that your mouth is in your neck?"

Glenn said...

"He was a damn good keyboard player. Now he's reduced to this."

Glenn said...

"Every time he sees a hot chick in a window, he tries to hump her. It ain't pretty."

JohnnyB said...

The towers here are obscene.

REX said...

"I was wondering if there would be a downside to lax oversight and chronic deregulation."

Anonymous said...

Okay, we'll let you in just this once, but you don't get a speaking part.

Anonymous said...

"He's still a little heavy handed with mergers and acquisitions."

Dan

Angus Podgorny said...

"No, no. My ex was a bridezilla. This one is Sarah Palin.

Angus Podgorny said...

"Stop tugging on my string."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"There goes the skyline."

Crackmeup said...

"That reminds me, I should call my chiropractor."

Greenie Stickem Caps said...

"That's a pretty tall tail."

Animal Rights Activist said...

"If they gave you a tiny office, you'd be pissed too."

Angus Podgorny said...

"When I joined the Jehovah's Witnesses, this isn't what I expected the training videos to be like. Good herbal tea, by the way."

Woody said...

"When he's not acting up, he waits tables in the Village."

Smells Like Teen Godzilla said...

"The destruction is bad enough, but the crap is even worse."

Rick O'Shay said...

"How come no one ever thinks to call the beast's owner?"

Utellme said...

Good Lord. He's hung like a Mothra-fucker.

Anna May said...

Trust me, it's just some Jap in a rubber suit. Oops. Sorry, nigger.

Jess said...

"This upsets you? I wish I had that kind of empathy."

Fah Kim (African-American male with Korean great-great-grandfather) said...

WHITE GUY: There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand.

BLACK GUY: You're fired. Pick me up a two-piece with red beans and rice before you go. Oh yeah, with an extra-large grape Kool-Aid and a pack of Kool 100s.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Time to activate the swapalease option!"

boneguy said...

Remind me to execute a call option on cement futures.

smuck said...

"I can see the headlines now: Monster Ruins Finance Building. Hmm, what's that lizard thing outside? Anyhow, like I was saying, I spent way too much money on speaker cable yesterday."

Tim H said...

"Well, he may be an urban planner, but he's no urbane planner."

David Macharelli said...

"That's our apartment building! I hope my family was home."

cta said...

"Looks like the Stock Market is taking another tumbling today."

Damon said...

"Lord, please create a diversion this morning so that I may play pocket pool without my co-workers notic...wow."

Damon said...

"Someone working on the 30th floor of Deloitte is looking at the biggest dick they've ever seen right now. No offense, DeWayne."

smuck said...

"If we stop breeding gigantic mutant amphibians because of this, the terrorists have already won."

Dr Sumguy said...

"WOW! This Java Monster Coffee Energy Loca Moca really works!"

Anonymous said...

"Uh-oh. He's searching for the Evrolet girl. And he looks horny." -cta

Dr Sumguy said...

"No wonder Godzilla's angry! His testicles never descended. He's been hooked on Java Monster Coffee Energy Nut-Up!"

Anonymous said...

ANTI CAPPER ONE: So this is what Evrolet Woman looks like in the morning.

ANTI CAPPER TWO: Looks like she's 'horny.'

ANTI CAPPER ONE: Good one, JohnnyB, um, I mean 'Anti Capper Two.'

Kathy H said...

"Hey, look. At least it's not raining."

Fah Kim said...

"Finish cleaning the toilets, Jackson. You can watch this on YouTube later."

"Okay, Dan. But one more game of Dunkin' Donuts 'fore we die."

NOTE: This is where Jackson douses his hairy balls in powdered sugar (after which they to greatly resemble donut holes) and dunks them in Dan's coffee. Dan then licks and lightly nibbles them. All this takes place within the confines of a locked stall in the Men's room next to an immaculately clean toilet.

Punmeister said...

"Dunno, he came back from upstate New York and he's been really cranky every since."

boneguy said...

Typical New York monster, going ape-shit before the "Destroy Building" sign flashes.

Bon-Sue said...

Lighter-skinned guy (pretending to be Asian):"We are building a fighting force of extwaordinary magnitude. We forge our twadition in the spirwit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."
Darker guy: "Foshizzle"

Satireguy said...

"Not to worry, brother. He only likes buildings filled with Asians."

Anonymous said...

"O.K. I'm at the window. To the left? Your left or my left?"

Crosby

Izod said...

Don't call the doctor
Don't call the nurse
Call for the lady
With the alligator purse
She knows the spell
To lift this curse
Go find the lady
With the alligator purse

Anonymous said...

"Jeezus, one building in twenty minutes! Who's editing this piece of shit?"

Bev

Anonymous said...

IZOD huh? Smells like KATHY H......

Public Opinion said...

"The latest polls show him below 40%."

Anonymous said...

"Time to dust off the rope-a-dope, Tyrone."

Constance

Austin said...

Would you look at that. I guess I do owe you twenty bucks.

Austin said...

It's the end of the world. Now will you fuck me?

Anonymous said...

"We'll drop an atomic bomb on him if he stumbles into Queens."

Ceasar

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I like Black Eyed Peas—the rock group. You think I'd eat that shit?"

Tovar

LR said...

"Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays."

The Fallout said...

"He was a friendly little toad before Fukushima got him all mutated and shit."

Anonymouse said...

"私はエネルギーのようなものを持っていた希望."
(Japanese for: "I wish I had that kind of energy.")

Glenn said...

"I think I'm in love."

Glenn said...

"So, how many dead do you figure, so far?"

REX said...

"You smell something?...Oh fuck! Look what they put in our coffee mugs."

Blonde said...

Word on the street is that he's looking for some guy by the name of Al who just disqualified his anti-cap entry!

Gary P said...

"By the way, how's your wife?"

Gary P said...

"I thought Jesus was supposed to stop this kind of shit."

Mandingo said...

"King Kong ain't got nothin' on him."

"You're forgetting that Kong, like myself, has been very successful with your women."

- Tyrone Roosevelt Rufus Rastus Jenkins Jefferson Davis Brown Jr. III

Numb Burrs said...

"Do you think they will qualify for accelerated depreciation?"

Utellme said...

"You know, the Japanese people created monsters such as this one as metaphors for the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII."

"What IS you tawkin' 'bout? Ah ain't nevah in my life hoid ah no Hero-Sheena and no Niggasockey. Mr. Whitefolks, you show is CRAZY! Uh-hee-hee! Woooo-oo WEE!"

- Rochester

Jess said...

"Those Tea Party folks aren't going away, are they?"

Utellme said...

" . . . Mm mm mm."

- Rochester

Buzz Saw said...

"I'm sure somebody has already called 911."

Cellular Division said...

"The people in the elevator won't know what happened unless we text them."

Bret said...

"And I was just thinking about the Muppets."

NAMBY said...

"Don't worry Carl, it's only a metaphor."

Anonymous said...

"So why did they put this poster up in the cafeteria?"

Anonymous said...

"I think he's left-handed, but it's too early to tell."

Exit 16W

Hiata Smith said...

"Such misdirected initiative always disappoints me. why not do something positive? He obviously needed a Johnny Sokko to teach him to juggle enormous stuff or do dick tricks to make us all happy"

Tim H said...

"Uh-oh. I think this is gonna affect the stock market. And not in a good way."

Sam Antic said...

"I understand that he has a broken heart, but have you met Jackie Paper? He's a dick"

Dr Sumguy said...

"XFINITY $39.95. W'll take it!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"XFINITY $39.95. W'll take it!"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, you just missed a jumper - a naked chick."

Fah Kim said...

What I meant to say was:

"(after which they greatly resemble donut holes)"

Being both Korean and Brack, it stands to reason my Engrish is terriber.

Fah Kim said...

Dear Damon:

The Popeye's Chicken bit WAS funny.

PJ said...

"Look! It's Jen."

"Jen who?"

"Jen Trification"

Shelly said...

"If he intends to use those buildings like Wii controllers they should really be strapped to his wrists."

smuck said...

"I wish I had that kind of androgyny."

Anonymous said...

"Look! It's Liz."

"Liz who?"

"Liz Ard"

Anonymous said...

"You smell that? It's starting to skink around here."

Anonymous said...

"Wrecked the city? Damn near killed the city!"

Anonymous said...

"Oh shoot. I forgot to close the gate again." -cta

Anonymous said...

"Damn. I need to go home and get the tank I keep mounted over my fireplace just for this occasion." -cta

cta said...

"He has a sordid past. Fay Wray fell for him, but he dropped her for a younger model. She was crushed."

Anonymous said...

"Remember when I put my newborn in the oven and brought the turkey to work? I'm still beating myself up over that."

Josh

Anonymous said...

"Idiot, he found you by your IP address. "

Utellme said...

"Is that a gremlin?!"

"Of course not. A Gremlin's a hatchback."

Milli Godzilli said...

"It's not as bad as last week, when the Yankees were panned in Boston, and puns were banned in L.A."

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

Anonymous said...

Guess there could be worse weeks to be vacationing on Martha's Vineyard.

Anonymous said...

"It's a bad thing there's a black person here to see this."

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

...and I bet he's on his way to the Hollywood Walk of Fame to shit on Godzilla's star

The Chexx Mixx Kidd said...

Have you seen the new face of Japanese nuclear insecurities?

Anonymous said...

"I'm haunted by the blah blah blah. "

I said...

"Yikes."

Anonymouse said...

[For the rceord, Judge alinla, I reversed my Google Language Translation for "私はエネルギーのようなものを持っていた希望" and came up with "I hope you had a kind of energy." So, all in all, not bad.]

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.