Note: Some cartoons lend themselves to Anti-Capping, some don't. Two guys sipping coffee in an office setting while watching a monster destroy their city has numerous possibilities. That's why this cartoon struck a cord. By Sunday night our little bonus contest drew an impressive 144 entries. That is, I believe, a record for this type of post and one of the highest totals seen in Anti-Caption history.
So even if you entered something that sucks (a likely occurrence), you can be proud. While, I expect it will be snubbed by the Guinness Book people, long-time Anti- cappers understand the significance. This also inspires me to cough up future Bonus Cartoons using the same approach: Find a compelling cartoon in the current issue that has a bland, pointless or lazy-ass cap and hold it up to ridicule. Let the Anti-Cappers do the rest. Thanks to all.
WINNERS FIRST PLACE "Hey, you just missed a jumper - a naked chick." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is much better than "I wish I had that kind of energy," but yet it's in the same vein. Jaded office drones would react to an across-the-street monster attack with bemused indifference and witty banter. And if naked chicks were plunging to a gruesome death, that would be even cooler to watch than the monster. But if any of this happened in the late afternoon, they would wonder how it might effect their commute home. Having worked most of my life in a big city office setting, I know these things to be true.)
SECOND PLACE "How come no one ever thinks to call the beast's owner?" --Rick O'Shay (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A statement about accountability and the importance of leash laws. )
THIRD PLACE He's humping their lingerie department. -- The Chexx Mixx Kidd (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rookie upstart CMK once again jumps onto the leader board with a cap that's short, tasteless and timely. This was first cap submitted [Sunday, 4 a.m, PST] Note to fading Anti-Cap superstar JohnnyB: Watch this guy. Learn from him. In the mean time I gave him your locker.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS That reminds me, that crazy bastard Fusilli is coming to visit." --Jim Cavagnaw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is the cap I trotted out as an example, I am not so vein as to pick it as the top winner, but I didn't want it to go unrecognized. It really is a damn good Anti-Cap.)
The irony is that he found this gig on Monster.com. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No, that's coincidence, the plain vanilla cousin of irony. If these two bozos refused to evacuate because of their fascination with monsters, and were subsequently crushed like bugs by the beast, that would be slightly ironic.) "There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This prompted a much better response cap. See below. Damon, you've been served. )
WHITE GUY: There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand
BLACK GUY: You're fired. Pick me up a two-piece with red beans and rice before you go. Oh yeah, with an extra-large grape Kool-Aid and a pack of Kool 100s. --Fah Kim (African-American male with Korean great-great-grandfather) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nicely played but slightly baffling. The person submitting this felt compelled to offer a race-based mini-bio. So maybe Damon's tasteless but mildly funny caption hit a nerve. I hope not. It was pretty mild. I can just hear Don Rickles: "Part black, part Korean?...This hockey puck doesn't know whether he wants to open a grocery store or go hold one up!" Or Chis Rock: "You believe that shit! Niggar got some Korean blood in him. Some bitch ask this mother fucker to do her doggy style, he don't know if he's getting laid or havin' dinner!")
"I dunno. I think that Rick Perry is coming on bit strong. Don't you think?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If arrogance and hypocrisy were marble and concrete, Perry would be the Washington Monument.)
"So why did they put this poster up in the cafeteria?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of the several caps that suggest the monster is just an image on the wall, this was the best. It recalls those tacky work place posters that have a single word like "Perseverance" and a definition that translates to "The action of keeping your job through increased productivity.") "I wish we had that kind of synergy."--topper "I wish I had that kind of androgyny." --smuck "This upsets you? I wish I had that kind of empathy." --Jess
"私はエネルギーのようなものを持っていた希望." (Japanese for: "I wish I had that kind of energy.") --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Four impressive caps that are each better than the one that actually made it to the pages of the NYer. "Synergy" is the best of the lot, if you assume the monster works for a construction company or funeral home or something. The second suggests that the monster is big in more ways than one and the third is, you know, cute. The Japanese characters are berry berry impressive, but I have no way to check the spelling.) "At least his eyes don't pop out of his head." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice little dig at the the most memorable feature of this cartoonist's work) "I feel like we're a couple of midgets. Mmm, coffee. Did you grind?"-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A twisted yet somewhat enterprising version of the quasi-classic "I bought along a couple of midget. Do you mind?) The towers here are obscene. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A once dominant Anti-Capper, JohhnyB now is reduced to squeezing out tired classics.) "It's not as bad as last week, when the Yankees were panned in Boston, and puns were banned in L.A." -- Milli Godzilli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins an assortment of caps commenting on last week's highly controversial no pun rule. Rachel Meadows said it was a shameless power grab that would disproportionately hurt low income families. Neil Cavuto said it was long over due and that anyone who disagrees hates America: "Very George W. Bush-like," he fawned.) "You're right. It was George H.W. Bush who said, 'Read my lips: No new puns.' And we all know how that turned out." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He didn't lose, he got beat by Bubba. If The Big Dog challenges me for the Anti-Cap judgeship, I would put up a tougher fight than did Poppy. ) "He's doing a latte damage to those buildings. And fuck your no-pun rule, Al."-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So this is your rule breaking entry? It's like you broke into a bank late at night and stole office supplies.) Word on the street is that he's looking for some guy by the name of Al who just disqualified his anti-cap entry! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If he catches me, I will remind him that he has far more class and creativity than any other Anti Capper.) That's al-in-godzil-la. Either the Mets lost or people in those buildings were making puns. --JohnnyB I wish I had the kind of energy it takes to judge the anti-caps, but I don't. So I'm going to throw out all the puns and just judge the 5 remaining ones. Oh look, Godzilla. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like a sea turtle flipped over on its shell, Johnny is flailing away. Maybe if we help turn him over he will lay another egg. See ya next week, Johnny. Okay?) "Idiot, he found you by your IP address. " --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Won't that be the men's room -- because that's the address where he pees? As in "I pee address?" See? I can string together words that make a good pun, I simply choose knot to.) "Dunno, he came back from upstate New York and he's been really cranky every since." --Punmeister (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I am very happy to be home. If you find my manner terse and slightly condescending that is probably because you never enter anything worthwhile. But I am not cranky. To paraphrase the Hulk: You don't want to see me when I'm cranky.)
131 comments:
He's humping their lingerie department.
"Give him credit, he clawed his way to the top." Get it!? He CLAWED HIS WAY TO THE TOP!!! HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!! Ohhhh mercy!
Dememtrius
"It's good there aren't any...uhhhh dumb people here to see this."
Bev
King Kong, Ghost Busters and Men In Black are all phoning it in for another week. Only Evrolet Girl can save us now.
Come on, Carl, we're “Mad Men”. We can come up with a favorable way to spin anything.
"Finish cleaning the toilets, Jackson. You can watch this on YouTube later."
Dan
"The Trade Towers is still my personal favorite."
Exit 16W
Too bad you were on vacation last week. The boss was showing Basic Instinct.
That's al-in-godzil-la. Either the Mets lost or people in those buildings were making puns.
"I wish we had that kind of synergy."
topper
"I don't know, but I think it's cruel and unusual punish...D'oh! "
"That reminds me, that crazy bastard Fusilli is coming to visit."
Jim Cavagnaw
"I don't think that spayed-and-neutered thing is working."
Is it Maurice Sendak week already again this year?
The irony is that he found this gig on Monster.com.
"No. No. NO! Godzilla, and you really mean Gojira by the way, doesn't have horns! That's just a shitty knockoff."
"I heard that the No. 2 line was delayed. I guess I now know why."
"Did you get the memo on this? 'Cause I sure didn't."
"There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand."
"I dunno. I think that Rick Perry is coming on bit strong. Don't you think?"
I wish the city would supply them with real chess pieces.
"Kind of weird, but Godzilla is kind of making me hard right now."
"The building inspectors here are very strict."
[...for the record, the building inspectors brillance was mine...]
"This coffee sucks."
Look! It's Kathy H and Anonymouse's lawyer – and he's hung like a hamster.
Brilliant, like hell.
Anonymouse couldn't pour piss from a boot even if the instructions were printed on the heel.
Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?
"I'll take the police and give you the firemen plus 10."
Dan
I wish I had the kind of energy it takes to judge the anti-caps, but I don't. So I'm going to throw out all the puns and just judge the 5 remaining ones. Oh look, Godzilla.
"I feel like we're a couple of midgets. Mmm, coffee. Did you grind?"
"No, not that high-rise."
Exit 16W
"Joke's on him. In fifty years this whole place will be underwater."
"You're right. It was George H.W. Bush who said, 'Read my lips: No new puns.' And we all know how that turned out."
somebody shoot her....
"That reminds me...I ran into my ex yesterday."
"At least his eyes don't pop out of his head."
"Book him."
cent
I still don't understand this motivational poster.
"This remind's me. Do you have any peparation h suppositories?"
preparation
"I put tabs of acid in our coffees. Hey, did you ever notice that your mouth is in your neck?"
"He was a damn good keyboard player. Now he's reduced to this."
"Every time he sees a hot chick in a window, he tries to hump her. It ain't pretty."
The towers here are obscene.
"I was wondering if there would be a downside to lax oversight and chronic deregulation."
Okay, we'll let you in just this once, but you don't get a speaking part.
"He's still a little heavy handed with mergers and acquisitions."
Dan
"No, no. My ex was a bridezilla. This one is Sarah Palin.
"Stop tugging on my string."
"There goes the skyline."
"That reminds me, I should call my chiropractor."
"That's a pretty tall tail."
"If they gave you a tiny office, you'd be pissed too."
"When I joined the Jehovah's Witnesses, this isn't what I expected the training videos to be like. Good herbal tea, by the way."
"When he's not acting up, he waits tables in the Village."
"The destruction is bad enough, but the crap is even worse."
"How come no one ever thinks to call the beast's owner?"
"This upsets you? I wish I had that kind of empathy."
WHITE GUY: There goes the headquarters for Popeye's Chicken. If you need to take some time off, I'll understand.
BLACK GUY: You're fired. Pick me up a two-piece with red beans and rice before you go. Oh yeah, with an extra-large grape Kool-Aid and a pack of Kool 100s.
"Time to activate the swapalease option!"
Remind me to execute a call option on cement futures.
"I can see the headlines now: Monster Ruins Finance Building. Hmm, what's that lizard thing outside? Anyhow, like I was saying, I spent way too much money on speaker cable yesterday."
"Well, he may be an urban planner, but he's no urbane planner."
"That's our apartment building! I hope my family was home."
"Looks like the Stock Market is taking another tumbling today."
"Lord, please create a diversion this morning so that I may play pocket pool without my co-workers notic...wow."
"Someone working on the 30th floor of Deloitte is looking at the biggest dick they've ever seen right now. No offense, DeWayne."
"If we stop breeding gigantic mutant amphibians because of this, the terrorists have already won."
"WOW! This Java Monster Coffee Energy Loca Moca really works!"
"Uh-oh. He's searching for the Evrolet girl. And he looks horny." -cta
"No wonder Godzilla's angry! His testicles never descended. He's been hooked on Java Monster Coffee Energy Nut-Up!"
ANTI CAPPER ONE: So this is what Evrolet Woman looks like in the morning.
ANTI CAPPER TWO: Looks like she's 'horny.'
ANTI CAPPER ONE: Good one, JohnnyB, um, I mean 'Anti Capper Two.'
"Hey, look. At least it's not raining."
"Finish cleaning the toilets, Jackson. You can watch this on YouTube later."
"Okay, Dan. But one more game of Dunkin' Donuts 'fore we die."
NOTE: This is where Jackson douses his hairy balls in powdered sugar (after which they to greatly resemble donut holes) and dunks them in Dan's coffee. Dan then licks and lightly nibbles them. All this takes place within the confines of a locked stall in the Men's room next to an immaculately clean toilet.
"Dunno, he came back from upstate New York and he's been really cranky every since."
Typical New York monster, going ape-shit before the "Destroy Building" sign flashes.
Lighter-skinned guy (pretending to be Asian):"We are building a fighting force of extwaordinary magnitude. We forge our twadition in the spirwit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."
Darker guy: "Foshizzle"
"Not to worry, brother. He only likes buildings filled with Asians."
"O.K. I'm at the window. To the left? Your left or my left?"
Crosby
Don't call the doctor
Don't call the nurse
Call for the lady
With the alligator purse
She knows the spell
To lift this curse
Go find the lady
With the alligator purse
IZOD huh? Smells like KATHY H......
"The latest polls show him below 40%."
"Time to dust off the rope-a-dope, Tyrone."
Constance
Would you look at that. I guess I do owe you twenty bucks.
"We'll drop an atomic bomb on him if he stumbles into Queens."
Ceasar
"Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays."
"He was a friendly little toad before Fukushima got him all mutated and shit."
"私はエネルギーのようなものを持っていた希望."
(Japanese for: "I wish I had that kind of energy.")
"I think I'm in love."
"So, how many dead do you figure, so far?"
Word on the street is that he's looking for some guy by the name of Al who just disqualified his anti-cap entry!
"By the way, how's your wife?"
"King Kong ain't got nothin' on him."
"You're forgetting that Kong, like myself, has been very successful with your women."
- Tyrone Roosevelt Rufus Rastus Jenkins Jefferson Davis Brown Jr. III
"Do you think they will qualify for accelerated depreciation?"
"You know, the Japanese people created monsters such as this one as metaphors for the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII."
"What IS you tawkin' 'bout? Ah ain't nevah in my life hoid ah no Hero-Sheena and no Niggasockey. Mr. Whitefolks, you show is CRAZY! Uh-hee-hee! Woooo-oo WEE!"
- Rochester
"Those Tea Party folks aren't going away, are they?"
" . . . Mm mm mm."
- Rochester
"I'm sure somebody has already called 911."
"The people in the elevator won't know what happened unless we text them."
"And I was just thinking about the Muppets."
"Don't worry Carl, it's only a metaphor."
"So why did they put this poster up in the cafeteria?"
"I think he's left-handed, but it's too early to tell."
Exit 16W
"Such misdirected initiative always disappoints me. why not do something positive? He obviously needed a Johnny Sokko to teach him to juggle enormous stuff or do dick tricks to make us all happy"
"Uh-oh. I think this is gonna affect the stock market. And not in a good way."
"XFINITY $39.95. W'll take it!"
"XFINITY $39.95. W'll take it!"
"Hey, you just missed a jumper - a naked chick."
What I meant to say was:
"(after which they greatly resemble donut holes)"
Being both Korean and Brack, it stands to reason my Engrish is terriber.
Dear Damon:
The Popeye's Chicken bit WAS funny.
"Look! It's Jen."
"Jen who?"
"Jen Trification"
"If he intends to use those buildings like Wii controllers they should really be strapped to his wrists."
"I wish I had that kind of androgyny."
"Look! It's Liz."
"Liz who?"
"Liz Ard"
"You smell that? It's starting to skink around here."
"Wrecked the city? Damn near killed the city!"
"Oh shoot. I forgot to close the gate again." -cta
"Damn. I need to go home and get the tank I keep mounted over my fireplace just for this occasion." -cta
"He has a sordid past. Fay Wray fell for him, but he dropped her for a younger model. She was crushed."
"Remember when I put my newborn in the oven and brought the turkey to work? I'm still beating myself up over that."
Josh
"Is that a gremlin?!"
"Of course not. A Gremlin's a hatchback."
"It's not as bad as last week, when the Yankees were panned in Boston, and puns were banned in L.A."
"This place sucks."
Guess there could be worse weeks to be vacationing on Martha's Vineyard.
"It's a bad thing there's a black person here to see this."
...and I bet he's on his way to the Hollywood Walk of Fame to shit on Godzilla's star
Have you seen the new face of Japanese nuclear insecurities?
"I'm haunted by the blah blah blah. "
"Yikes."
[For the rceord, Judge alinla, I reversed my Google Language Translation for "私はエネルギーのようなものを持っていた希望" and came up with "I hope you had a kind of energy." So, all in all, not bad.]
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