NOTE: Hello Folks. Mrs. Al in LA here. Frist, let me thank you for your patience over the last few weeks. As you know Al is going through a “Boomer Rite of Passage”: caring for an elderly parent. Baptism by fire is more like it.So, let me make this clear, I have absolutely no qualifications to judge this contest. Therefore there will be no ball busting if I missed some cool obscure reference that Al would have known and rightly placed you on the Honorable Mention list, at least. Not gonna happen here. I am a low brow, fart joke kinda gal. Give me a good pun any day (Good news for you JC). If it made me laugh out loud or garnished a snort then it made the “Mrs. Cut.” This is my “Baptism by fire.WINNERS
1ST PLACE
"Which came first, the chicken or the yegg? I was gangbanged for crying out loud, I don't remember all the details... Well now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure it was the chicken." Anonymous (THE MRS’ COMMENT: Funny. Once you Google “yegg.”)
2ND PLACE"Crossed the line, crossed the Jordan, cross-dressed, crossed her legs, crossed herself, crossed the road. These IQ tests are a snap." --Anonymous (THE MRS’ COMMENT: Very good.)
3RD PLACE"No. 6 is the legendary Al Capon." Punk Eeb Rooster (THE MRS’ COMMENT: See second paragraph.)
HONORBLE MENTIONS“How can the life of such a birdBe in the palm of some fool's word? To see him obviously framedCouldn't help but make me feel ashamed To live in a land where justice is a game.”
the Hibbing Hotshot (THE MRS’ COMMENT: Okay. Here’s the Dylan cap of the week. Or at least the one I got. Closely followed by…….)
“It would be easier, Officer, if you had each of them put on a Mets uniform . . . especially Number Six” --Terry Collins (THE MRS’ COMMENT: ….the weekly Met jab.)
“The law has finally caught up with the New York Mets pitching staff.” (R.A. Chickie, far right) --Tim H (THE MRS’ COMMENT: You didn’t have to pimp the bit, Tim. I got it and Al sure the shit would of gottin it. But the Mets really blow this season so this and all other Mets referances are considered Low Hanging Fruit for the balance of the year. Nuff said.)
‘Yes, that's Jim Cavanaugh, JohnnyB, Tim H, Kathy H, Anunymouse and al in la. “ JohnnyB (THE MRS’ COMMENT: Truly the Anti-Caps’ Usual Suspects.)
I can't make a positive ID until I see if the cock is circumcised--.Jim Cavanaugh (THE MRS’ COMMENT: Let the puns begin…..)
"It's nun of 'em." --Spredum N. Liftyernutz (THE MRS’ COMMENT:…..and again…..)
"That's him. The one on the right stole my 23 cents. A poultry sum for sure, but it's the principle." Smuck (THE MRS’ COMMENT:…one last time. Thank you. We’ll be in touch.)
Let's see ... Friar Tuck, schmuck, canuck, fucked, un-fucked, dumb cluck ... it's a close call.--Jim Cavanaugh (THE MRS’ COMMENT:XXXXXXXXXXXX)
"I see one I'd like to pluck, one I'd like to fuck, three I'm trying to duck and some poor dumb schmuck." (H/T: J.C.) --Jess (THE MRS’ COMMENT: XXXXXXXXXX)
"And then his pimp is all 'dude, he'll blow you for a shekel', and then I'm all 'silly rabbi, tricks aren't for yids' --Trixie (THE MRS’ COMMENT: What can I say? It’s a boomer thing for kids’ cereal packed with sugar and Red Dye #2. That was good eats in my house.)
“Well, they all had motive enough to cross the road . . . all that is, except Number 6.”--left coast wayne (THE MRS’ COMMENT: I thought he wanted to “get to the other side.”? Wasn’t that the point or the punch as it may be?)
"I like my criminals like I like my chicken: Extra Crispy." Fried N. Convicted (THE MRS’ COMMENT: We’re Regular Recipe folks around here. I can’t remember a time when KFC wasn’t around. Dare I date myself even more and say; I remember when the hamburger count was under 1 million on McDonalds’ billboards (cir 1971). And don’t get me going on Popeye’s vs Church’s Chicken.)
"It seems that alinla has disappeared . . . I want a statement from each of them . . . especially the chicken." --Joe Friday (THE MRS’ COMMENT: I would have gone with the Nun.)
"Then the priest says, 'Let's screw the boy', and the rabbi says, 'Out of what?'" --bada bing! (THE MRS’ COMMENT: Good “old school” kind of cap/joke. Catskills quality!)
Two years ago, guest anti-cap contest judge, alinla, took over for Daniel Radosh, who was hired on by the Daily Show to be funny. If you watch the show, you realize Daniel is struggling, but that's beside the point. A recent article in the LA times said Jack Black's relaunch of Captain Kangaroo (renamed Corporal Koala Bear) hired its head writer...and get this... the name...Al N. Lablonkskirickenbackersteinschmitz. I have a feeling "alinla" is moving on to greener and slightly Australian pastures. I wish him luck and thank him for his unpaid, often entertaining, mispelled judgements. It's nice to know that my unique and amazing sense of humor has resonated so with one man and his awesome wife. Best of luck in your new endeavor. May your deity of choice bless you, alinla. Thank you. --Anonymous (THE MRS’ COMMENT: You misspelled “mispelled”)
120 comments:
"Been here, done this cartoon countless times. BORING!"
Isn't it creepy how their eyes follow you wherever you go?
"Let's see...I'll start with the nun, and then I'll have a three-way with the rabbi and the duck."
"Could you ask number two to cluck like a chicken?"
"Oh pooh - these lineups are always so dramatic. You ought to put theatre seating in here...*gasp* look at this! Bravo, Memphis 5th Precinct Station!"
"So the priest, rabbi, hooker, nun, and chicken all walk into a bar. I know for a fact that the stereotypical, white, 30s-ish male was not there."
"The perp was definitely a chicken, but it was way shorter than 3-feet tall."
I need to see #4's breasts again.
-Carol Lou Ellen
Get your clipboard ready, Eddie, because it's time to play... [studio audience joins in in unison] STRAIGHT... OR... GAY!
Yes, yes, as long as there's no black people, I think I can make a New Yorker cartoon out of this cast of characters.
I made a point of memorizing the thief's nose. I never noticed how similar noses are; it could have been any of these characters.
[Once again, cartoonist Paul Noth has offered up his usual, Noth-ing to see here material.]
The law has finally caught up with the New York Mets pitching staff. (R.A. Chickie, far right)
"What are my priest, my rabbi, my lawyer, my wife, my sister (the sister), AND my chicken all doing here? Is this some sort of surprise party?!"
Hey Austin, STFU! Even in a joke, we don't want to see that kind of language. Hope the joke isn't just a poor excuse for you to use the N-word!
"That's the lineup? I like it - hot chick in the clean-up spot."
"Well, Obama DID promise us change."
"That one on the right is a bad yegg."
Note: the archaic "yegg" makes it second appearance in the anti-cap contest this week. You go, Yegg!!
"So, you're absolutely 100% positive it's one-way glass. In that case, suck it, Pig!"
"It was #3, officer. He's the one who promised Austin an automatic honorable mention."
-Carol Lou Ellen
"You call these 'persons of interest?'"
"Hey! Whaddya trying to pull?! That chicken is standing on a box!"
"Well, officer, since I already told you that the assailant had hook for hands, it's obviously No. 4."
[Sorry, LR. I missed your short chicken comment before posting my short chicken comment. My bad.]
[No sweat, Tim H. Any variation of the classic short chicken riff is quite acceptable.]
[...hooks for hands...]
"This must have been a different orgy."
"That's strange. Except for the chicken, they all have webbed feet."
"Number 6 for sure, and I want to see her fry!"
"Can you have each of them say, 'Two smart fellows, they felt smart,' really, really fast?"
"So is cock-fighting still illegal when it involves numbers 4 and 5 wearing strap-ons?"
"It's nun of 'em."
“As unlikely as it seems, officer, it was number six who threatened my life if I didn’t convert to Santeria.”
---blw
“Yes, it’s disgusting, but true, Officer . . . I saw Number 5 run off with a little Friar . . . which, of course, would be Number Six.”
---left coast wayne
"That's him. The one on the right stole my 23 cents. A poultry sum for sure, but it's the principle."
"This Museum of Evolution sure has some strange murals. Closing time huh?"
Well, to be honest Officer I'm having a bit of trouble fingering the Perp! Think you could make them all turn and face the back wall and kneel down?
"This place sucks."
“Well, they all had motive enough to cross the road . . . all that is, except Number 6.”
---left coast wayne
"Number one did to me then what I wish number four would do to me now."
Rob
“As far as I’m concerned, they’re all guilty . . . I have no use for organized religion . . . it leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.”
---blw
Auditions for the revamped and retitled Spider-man: Turn Off the Cluck.
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
"Wow! Even up this close, 1080p is really amazing."
Eeny meeny miney moe....
The RNC decides on a presidential candidate.
"Crossed the line, crossed the Jordan, cross-dressed, crossed her legs, crossed herself, crossed the road. These IQ tests are a snap."
Puterschein
"No no no! I told you, inspector, it was a person of color, an Afro-American if you will, who stole my wallet at gunpoint, then pistol whipped and raped my woman. Now get back out there and put my tax dollars to work before I go tea party on your lilly white ass!"
"Number four, how would you undress our economic problems going forward?"
Bev
“An intriguing little conumdrum, indeed, Officer . . . Now, who do you suspect was involved in the cockfight?”
---blw
“Hey, a new concept in menus! I like it. I’ll have the chicken and the dumpling to its right. You can eat the whore, Sergeant.”
---Harlan Sanders
Before we begin, could you have the rabbi kill the chicken so I can charge $2 more per pound?
"I definitely raped number five...or number six. I'm not sure which, it was at night."
Sal
Yes, that's Jim Cavanaugh, JohnnyB, Tim H, Kathy H, Anunymouse and al in la.
"I told you, it was a ballerina!"
"What does my bowtie have to do with anything? I'm not the one on trial here. Wait, why are they staring at me? This is one-way glass, right?"
-Carol Lou Ellen
"Yes, officer, it was the one on the right. He kept yeling, 'The sky is falling!'"
It was definitely female, so 1-3 are out. All right, then, was it the chick, the penguin or the hen?
"Could you have the chicken put on a thong, and turn towards the left?"
"I'd like a peek at No. 6's McNuggets®."
"Quite frankly, I think they'd all make fine air traffic controllers."
"Thongbird! Yuk."
HA! Even in THAT filmsy disguise I'd know him anywhere Officer!
"Well, thank you very much. But, this Halloween, I think I'll go as a fireman."
"So Mr. and Mrs. Blackman had them all praying for Mr. Blackman to get a three-foot cock, right, but the funny thing is they didn't specify that they meant three feet without standing on a box."
-Carol Lou Ellen
I always told my good-for-nothing siblings I would catch them all in the act one day!
For once, I am the butler and I did not do it.
“It would be easier, Officer, if you had each of them put on a Mets uniform . . . especially Number Six.”
---Terry Collins
“How can the life of such a bird
Be in the palm of some fool's word ?
To see him obviously framed
Couldn't help but make me feel ashamed
To live in a land where justice is a game.”
---the Hibbing Hotshot
"I distinctly remember a beak, so maybe 2 or 6."
I can't make a positive ID until I see if the cock is circumcised.
Jim Cavanaugh
"the greatest trick that chicken ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist"
"Ask number 5 if she's a virgin."
"No, Officer, my cock is much, MUCH smaller. You might say that from the waist down, I'm practically a chick."
"I'm wise to your chicanery. And by 'chicanery', I'm acknowledging how small and feathery Tilda Swinton is in person."
"No. 6 is the legendary Al Capon."
"I guess #3 is the least funny... unless he's a Polack."
-Carol Lou Ellen
"Let me get this straight: The priest actually wants sex, the rabbi money, the businessman faith, the floozy love, the gypsy (Fuck the gypsy), and the chicken wants to go all jihad and shit on infidels. But this isn't Hell; its's Iowa"
"Listen up, folks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."
"Hmmm . . . very interesting. I find the lifeguard conspicuous in his absence."
---left coast wayne
It's kind of like judging the anti-cap contest every week; there's not a lot to choose from.
notal
"No, I don't recognize the perp but I wouldn't mind seeing a little chick on chick action."
"Hows about some comic relief, officer? A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken.' And the doctor says 'Well, why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.'"
There is a priest guy
Who doesn't like the rabbi
For being with the minister
Trying to screw the bar fly
Different jokes for different folks
Add one nun,
and chicken
and scooby doobie doo
Ooo ha ha,
they walk in my bar together
"Well, it's decided. The chicken comes after the yegg."
(That's 3)
"Oy, the fifth one, the fifth from the right. He's the one who changed the Maxwell House Haggadah.
Monarch of the Universe, my tuchus!"
"Well, I don't know about you, Officer, but I'm one of those folks not willing to judge anything until the Mets are back in first place!"
---Ed Kranepool, waiting patiently
"You'll need to have them turn around -- I'm Canadian."
--Dex
"Number three and number four did it...on my front lawn."
cap
"Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Poultry."
"Yes, officer, these all are the vandals who took the handle."
"Don't let the plumage fool you; They're all guilty as sin."
"I like my criminals like I like my chicken: Extra Crispy."
"It seems that alinla has disappeared . . . I want a statement from each of them . . . especially the chicken."
---Joe Friday
"I remember them in my face, knocking me to the ground and nearly smothering me. Number four."
Pat
"Then the priest says, 'Let's screw the boy', and the rabbi says, 'Out of what?'"
bada bing!
"Do you idiots even understand the concept of a lineup? You need 4 others that are the same height, weight, and color of the chicken, or else I'll just pick that chicken and it might not even be the right chicken. Unless you want to railroad that chicken."
I think it was the big-titted blonde. Can I step back there and finger the perp?
Jim Cavanaugh
"Which came first, the chicken or the yegg? I was gangbanged for crying out loud, I don't remember all the details... Well now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure it was the chicken."
This Gilligans Island reunion show may not fly, especially with Jim Backus reincarnated as a chicken
Two years ago, guest anti-cap contest judge, alinla, took over for Daniel Radosh, who was hired on by the Daily Show to be funny. If you watch the show, you realize Daniel is struggling, but that's beside the point. A recent article in the LA times said Jack Black's relaunch of Captain Kangaroo (renamed Corporal Koala Bear) hired its head writer...and get this... the name...Al N. Lablonkskirickenbackersteinschmitz. I have a feeling "alinla" is moving on to greener and slightly Australian pastures.
I wish him luck and thank him for his unpaid, often entertaining, mispelled judgements. It's nice to know that my unique and amazing sense of humor has resonated so with one man and his awesome wife. Best of luck in your new endeavor. May your deity of choice bless you, alinla. Thank you.
"Number 5, please move your hands away from your luscious mons veneris."
The SPCA wants to know why you're keeping that chicken in such crowded conditions.
Rocko
"Yeah, the second guy. He's the one who promised to judge my anti-caption but never did. Throw the book at him."
"The chicken represents the bonus contest. I will judge the chicken."
"I'll have the number six with an order of fries."
Oh, now I can see the forest. (for the next contest)
Little did they know that Mr. Roberson had already heard that the chicken had confessed to killing Al, and had buried him in an old, unused, rural airport parking area.
This week.
"I've got wood."
God bless ya Al - your dedication to your father's well being is couragous and a blessing. Thank you for being there.
"Could you have the chicken step forward and say, 'Give me three Hail Marys, or your life!'" ?
"I know the other one's in Florida, but a chicken? They couldn't do any better than a chicken?"
"The rabbi is the one I saw kill her."
"Sorry, folks, but the statute of limitations for this case has run out. You're all dismissed. Have a nice day."
Dear Mrs.Lablonkskirickenbackersteinschmitz
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