Monday, April 11, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #283

Note: A pretty crappy cartoon, if you ask me. A TV sneering at a book? A book standing defiantly in front of the TV--hands on hips like he is taking a leak? I believe these two forms of media long ago settled their differences. TV won, of course, but books remain somewhat popular (I'm told). In addition to judging this contest I am also a judge for two book festivals. (Yeah, I know, go figure)
When I was hired, the guy running these festivals essentially told me to find the books that suck the least. You can't believe the kind of the crap that comes in. I can understand how JohnnyB some degenerate creep can spit out an Anti-Cap that is only 25 words or less, then do it again and again (and again and again and...make it stop!). But to sit and crank out thousands upon thousands of words that almost all suck...
Anyway, as long as I am touting my bona fides as a media judge, I have also been a TV critic and was once editor of the home video review section in Billboard and even reviewed a Dylan show for Variety (For the record, I gave him a thumbs up). Perhaps more importantly, I was a referee for ice hockey games played in the middle of the night by cranky yuppies who were better at abusing me that they were at the game itself. (If you are wondering where I honed my cheap shot skills, when I played in college, I led the team in penalty minutes.) I say this to dispel the outrageous notion that I either slept, strong-armed or bought my way into this lofty perch. It was of an accidental process, not unlike stepping on a tack.

WINNER
First Place "...and all those tedious, sticky fumblings with old fashioned typewriters, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to Simon & Schuster."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see a lot, Rob. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? While we seldom pick parody caps for the top spot this struck a cord. Maybe me and Mrs. al in la could have you for diner one night Rob. You can bring the Chianti.)
Second Place An unrepentant copy of Mein Kampf readies a golden shower for an ironically, reincarnated Telly Savalas --Adolph Saperstein
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...a book written by Hitler is about to piss on Kojak? This cap is tasteless, confusing and kind of stupid. But who can deny that its highly imaginative and somewhat edgy. Saperstein was Kojak's flunky, by the way. )



Third Place "As sam! suggested in Caption Contest #282, 'Fuck you!'" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes this time it fits and it's nice that you included an attribution, but it is intellectually lazy to use this for every cartoon as it is for every confrontation. Once when I had seats at the Garden close enough to hear what NHL players actually say to each other when they tussel, I heard one say "Fuck you!" and the other say "Suck my dick, asshole." I just though pros would be more creative than that.)
Honorable Mentions "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." --Frank (JUDGE'S COMMENT: While channel surffing, we stumbled on to the Wizard of Oz not long ago. Watched the whole thing. Yes, the image seen here on the television resembles that of the wizard. Always liked it when he says "So...you liquidated her." Still, I think "liquidate her assets." would have been even funnier. Just sayin'.)


"I happen to teach a class at Columbia called 'TV, Media, and Culture,' so I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity."-Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh really, well I happen to have Marshall McLuhan right here and he says you're an asshole. [Not you Carol, the TV.] Another smart cap and the best one ever entered by this Carol person. The scene from Annie Hall is a classic. Nice work C.L.K. )
"Next you're going to tell me that you never heard of Newton Minnow!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So here we have Kathy, who compulsively adds links to nearly every entry she spits up, offer this esoteric cap with no link. Maybe Kathy is trying to make a statement. May the old girl is losing a step. )
“Bad news, kid. The owner of this house, a certain Mr. Zimmerman, just said, ‘Don’t show me no picture show or give me no book to read’ . . . I don’t know about you, but right about now I could use a ‘Shot of Love’.-----the Hibbing Hotshot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The title song from an album released in the 80's when Dylan was doing his Jesus thing. Got it. I'm not crazy about the "Hotshot" part, by the way, Dylan's not grandiose that way. But I appreciate the reference. You have learned well, Grasshopper.)


"Go jump in the fireplace. I'd like to rekindle our relationship." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An obvious but cute little pun from an Anti Capper who is sporadic at best.)
One of me is worth a thousand of you. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When it comes to the consumption of natural resources, this pretty much sums up how most Americans feel about the rest of the world's population. That's how Dick Cheney and Exxon/Mobile want it.)
"Tolstoy, Toy Story, what the fuck's the difference?"--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Movie-rights-wise there is a big difference. )
The airers here are obscene (at least some of them, between the hours of 8pm and 6am, may air content that some deem objectionable) --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the scant few classics entered for this contest. I find Wheel of Fortune and any show with the word "Housewife" in it objectionable--doesn't make them obscene. )
"Who do you think you are saying that your favorite TV program is Who Do You Think You Are?" [Look, Ma, no links!] --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice work Tim. Now get your PJs on and get ready for bed--like a big boy. )
"Ebert? Ebert's a finalist? Like we all didn't submit veiled illusions to the word fuck in our captions?" --ONE MINUTE LATER (allusions)-- Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice catch Gary. Now lets discuss the difference between "continuous" and "continual." )

"That's right. I'm the ghost of Daniel Radosh. Deal with it!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Daniel's spirit is well represented here--especially when I neglect the contest to handle more pressing matters.)
I've discovered something incredible! "Fuck You" Is a perfectly good response for nearly every single al in la anti-cap critique ever! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They are not "critiques," Johnny, they are astute observations. If I could, I would give you a 2 minute penalty for "abuse of official." That's an actual penalty in hockey, you know. )
sar·casm /ˈsɑr kæzəm-–noun 1570–80; < Late Latin sarcasmus < Greek sarkasmós, derivative of sarkázein to rend (flesh), sneer harsh or bitter derision or irony --Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually the best definition I ever heard came from the President's secretary in The West Wing, Mrs. Landingham. She called sarcasm "the grumpy man's wit." )

107 comments:

JohnnyB said...

No, I don't want to eat an ice cream sandwich. Get back in the freezer before you melt, you freak.

Glenn said...

"Pervert!"

Anonymouse said...

"As sam! suggested in Caption Contest #282, 'Fuck you!'"

Kathy H said...

"No, I do not know when Mad Men is coming back on!"

Hom Tart said...

I told your mother we should've chucked those Japanese Poptarts....
Now look what happened!

Don't ask, Intel said...

It's OK son, sometimes the microchips don't fall that far from the motherboard!

JohnnyB said...

No, I will not sing you to sleep with the Reading Rainbow song.

Damon said...

"You're living under a leg. The couch is just using you to get even with me."

DannoChinBen said...

"As soon as this damn power-failure's over, I'm gonna break your spine"

Reading Too Much Into It said...

"Two weeks ago it was 'F'. Last week those two wheels could be interpreted as 'OO'. My mouth looks like an 'F' this week. OMG, the Man is going to Foof us. Aaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhh!"

Damon said...

"If you don't like my face, book, unfriend me."

Damon said...

"Here's a `novel' idea - go fuck yourself."

Anonymous said...

"My next of kindle can kick your ass!"

Bev

JohnnyB said...

One of me is worth a thousand of you.

Steve_O said...

"Did you REALLY think you could compete with 73 channels of On-Demand porn?"

Gary P said...

"Ebert? Ebert's a finalist? Like we all didn't submit veiled illusions to the word fuck in our captions?"

Gary P said...

(allusions)

Richard H said...

"A book with legs? What kind of technological evolution is this? Who gives a shit about Blu-Ray when you're stuck to a fucking wall?"

Satireguy said...

"Come back when you're digitized."

Tim H said...

"I got news for you, kid. Everybody loves Raymond, but nobody loves you! Capische?"

Kathy H said...

"That's right! Katie Couric's leaving CBS and there's not a damned thing you can do about it!"

Anonymous said...

"I knew they'd greenlight your project. It's got legs."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Get the hell out of here and don’t come back ‘til you’ve made something of yourself . . . preferably a DVD.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Well, well, well . . . Look who’s been published. Listen, pal, everyone’s still gonna’ say, ‘I think I’ll just wait for the movie’. Get used to it.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"...and all those tedious, sticky fumblings with old fashioned typewriters, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to Simon & Schuster."

Rob

Glenn said...

"Open up. Show me where it says 'God hates fags.'"

Jess said...

"No Mr. Book, I expect you to die."

Louie said...

"I said find the remote!"

Anonymouse said...

"Hey! Bibliophile this!!"

Beta Max said...

Just wait, we'll both be obsolete when the damn I-phone 5 comes out!

Anonymous said...

"So why do you get legs and I get a giant fuckin' nose?"

Anonymous said...

"Unless you're the TV GUIDE, get the hell outta' here!"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

That's the tiniest book cock I've ever seen in my life.

Anonymous said...

"Don't pull that poor deprived child routine with me! I'm not even sure I'm your real father!"


---blw

David said...

"Don't you try to play the fucking "culturally superior" card with me! I may offer a vast wasteland of mostly shit, but you were written by Dan Brown."

LR said...

"JOHANN Gutenberg? He's a lightweight. I hang with STEVE Guttenberg, baby!"

Austin said...

Hey Book! Your legs are on backwards.

Anonymous said...

"Get outta' my sight, you wordy little bastard. Until they make a mini-series outta' you, you're nothin' but eye strain to me!"


---blw

Jess said...

"It may not look like it, but I am very turned on right now."

Anonymous said...

"Tolstoy, Toy Story, what the fuck's the difference?"

Bev

Anonymous said...

"Hard to believe your mother was a dumb terminal."

--Dex

Adolph Saperstein said...

An unrepentant copy of Mein Kampf readies a golden shower for an ironically, reincarnated Telly Savalas

A little foreplay said...

"Aren't you being a little foreword?"

boneguy said...

Please look the other way while I remove my iPad.

Crazy Adolph said...

So what if you lost your family in a book burning? I still say the Holocaust was a hoax.

Gary P said...

"Come back after you have destroyed a child's mind."

Anonymous said...

"A weighty book like you will require four bookends."

Rob

Rex said...

"Because I make them laugh, that's why."

Damon said...

"Stand...by mode...oh stand...by mode. Oh stand...standby mode."

Moses_Alou said...

"Which Commandment are you?"

holden_c said...

"Salinger's dead! You tell me why there's no film version of Catcher in the Rye in the works!"

Glenn said...

"Badada badada, yourself. English only, pendjo."

Satireguy said...

"What are you bitching about? At least you have arms and legs, you little punk."

Mark Foley's TV said...

"Oooh, come here, open your covers and let me fondle your fresh pages."

JohnnyB said...

I've discovered something incredible! "Fuck You" Is a perfectly good response for nearly every single al in la anti-cap critique ever!

Tim H said...

"Who do you think you are saying that your favorite TV program is Who Do You Think You Are?"


[Look, Ma, no links!]

Anonymouse said...

"That's right. I'm the ghost of Daniel Radosh. Deal with it!"

Anonymous said...

“Bad news, kid. The owner of this house, a certain Mr. Zimmerman, just said, ‘Don’t show me no picture show or give me no book to read’ . . . I don’t know about you, but right about now I could use a ‘Shot of Love’.


---the Hibbing Hotshot

Anonymous said...

"I happen to teach a class at Columbia called 'TV, Media, and Culture,' so I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity."

-Carol Lou Ellen

MM said...

"The medium is the monkey-taint!"

Gary P said...

"Hey, I can't help it if they think Shaving Ryan's Privates is great visual art."

Klondike Barr Syndrome said...

Good Humor on TV? Yeah, real funny *till you melt.* (thanks to JohnnyB for seeing an ice cream sandwich)

Tony Roma said...

"I want my paperback, paperback, paperback . . . "

Utellme said...

"Go jump in the fireplace. I'd like to rekindle our relationship."

Utellme said...

"The bell tolls for thee."

Glenn said...

"Aramaic? What do you take me for, a SAP?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm haunted by the chalk outlines of my CSI victims."

Anonymous said...

"Try reading a book while downing a 6 pack."

Rob

Kathy H said...

"Next you're going to tell me that you never heard of Newton Minnow!"

Anonymous said...

"Minow was right, he was just misinterpreted. [clears throat] April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain..."

-Carol Lou Ellen

Dr Sumguy said...

"If you rally want to impress me, go to the store, and get me some beer!" (circa 8/2007)

Anonymous said...

The airers here are obscene (at least some of them, between the hours of 8pm and 6am, may air content that some deem objectionable)

Anonymous said...

"...and take your little bookworms with you!"

Bev

Austin said...

Your wife set my v-chip to block BookTV.

Saitreguy said...

"Now go to your room and no reading for you tonight."

Frank said...

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."

T.V. Dinner said...

"Who are you calling spineless?"

Paige Turner said...

"Stop tomenting me."

Dr. Philistine said...

"You're incredibly shelfish."

smuck said...

"This place sucks."

boneguy said...

Let me guess. Another Fukishima book depository runaway?

Satireguy said...

"Book yourself, Danno."

Anonymous said...

"Go flatten some oak leaves."

Frank Puterschein
Providence, Rhode Island
02903

Anonymous said...

sar·casm /ˈsɑr kæzəm
–noun 1570–80; < Late Latin sarcasmus < Greek sarkasmós, derivative of sarkázein to rend (flesh), sneer

harsh or bitter derision or irony

james said...

Oh yeah? Well, the book store called and they're running out of YOU.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

I heard you're not doing so well. What's wrong? A little bound up?

Rocko

Richard H said...

"What are you doing standing there? You're supposed to be furnishing the room."

Steve_O said...

"I'm sick of your lies! I know you've been giving Nook to both Barnes and Noble!"

Steve_O said...

"How many fucking times did I tell you that people would prefer facebook over torsobook!"

Gary P said...

"Don't worry. It's not due until Monday. Some stupid holiday in D.C. - probably celebrating Marion Barry's nostrils."

Anonymous said...

Your candle burned out long before your Kindle ever will.

EJ

Tim H said...

"Don't just stand there! Get me a TV dinner, for Christ's sake!"

Anonymous said...

"While you're out, why don't you pick up a spell check for alinla?"


---Noah Webster

Anonymous said...

"He judged the Mt. Rushmore bonus contest before this one? Seriously? How gauche!"

Anonymouse said...

"Hey! Get me a rubber band sandwich! And make it snappy!!"

Anonymous said...

"The Gideons are trying to stay relevant, okay? Now beat it."

-Carol Lou Ellen

Fought Nightly said...

"How many times do I have to tell you? This ain't a two-weeker!"

Anonymous said...

"He's waiting till there are 100 anticaps. What can I tell you?"

Anonymous said...

"Pssssst . . . go wake up alinla, now."


---Rip Van Winkle

98 lber said...

maybe it's a 'too weak' caption contest

Satireguy said...

"For the last time, this week there's no closed captioning and no anti-captioning."

Walt Witless said...

O Caption! My Caption!
Our fearful trip is done.
We've posted stupid comments.
We just want to know who won.

Anonymous said...

You guys are right, Alinla is disgracefully late. I say we don't pay him this week!

Anonymous said...

"Apparently we were obscured by 4 gigantic butts."

Anonymous said...

Could be worse. We all could have made honorable mention.

Chacon

Ito said...

"Hey book, why don't you make like the anti-cap contest and don't judge me."

al in la said...

Ah, what the hell.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE (106-way tie)

Blog Archive

al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.