Sunday, March 13, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #279


Note: I am writing this from a Holiday Inn in Kingston, NY. I took the a red-eye Friday night from L.A. and arrived on Saturday just in time to attend the start of my brother-in-law Gary's two-day wake. Understandably, it was sad, yet life-affirming. I saw many people I had not seen in many years. People I did not know hugged me. My sister Anne, who had told me she would understand if I couldn't come all the way from California on such short notice, wept when she saw me (in a good way, I mean.) Trying to keep it upbeat, I spontaneously told Gary's son--my nephew--that I will one day dance at his wedding only to be reminded that he had gotten married a few years ago. (This had momentarily slipped my mind. And yes, his wife--a very charming and intelligent woman who serves in the U.S. Navy--was standing at his side when I said this.) I smiled sheepishly and changed the subject.
The funeral mass and burial was this morning. It snowed big thick flakes, shrouding the solemn grave-side ceremony with a picturesque white blanket that was somewhat comforting. Still, I admit, it was uncomfortably cold for someone from L.A. who has seldom experienced temperatures under 60 degrees over the past ten years. I didn't shiver, but I did cry. The white-haired priest told us he knew Gary to be a strong and dignified man. He even mentioned that he was a "devoted fan of the New York Mets baseball team," lest any of us thought he was referring to an arena football team. Reaching for an anecdote to take the edge off, he recalled how Gary volunteered to change light bulbs on the ceiling of the church while tittering precariously on top of a ladder.
"This was something no one else would attempt." said the padre. "Gary was a brave man." he added with perfect comic timing that evoked mild laughter from the 100 or so assembled in the old and, yes, well lit church. The priest, spoke in an authoritative yet calming voice that commanded attention and brought comfort. He had a thick accent that I thought was Italian but later learned was Polish (either way it was very stirring). He said Gary died after confessing his sins and was "now with God." I choose to believe this.
Perhaps it was God's will but last week's cartoon was drab and listless. Not surprisingly it drew the fewest entries we've seen in many weeks. A few at the tale end of the contest remarked on the comments I posted on Wednesday about Gary. One was in the form of a caption. I picked it as the lone winner. Next week we'll get back to our old ways. Right now I'm going to finish this bottle of wine and watch the re-play of the Mets/Braves Spring training game--and think about a good man who did a lot more with his life than change lights bulbs in a church.

WINNER
"They've all gone to pay their respects to Alinla's brother-in-law." (Very sorry to hear about your loss, Al!) --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks, man. This cap definitely does not suck.)


89 comments:

Steve_O said...

"Look, I'm telling you- I finally have my coprophagia under control!"

Steve_O said...

"Oh yeah- Well I think YOU'RE the one who farted!"

JohnnyB said...

You get the water; you're closer.

JohnnyB said...

I told you the whole board shouldn't go to Japan at the same time.
What? Too soon?

Anonymous said...

"I said your mother wears her combative spirit everywhere....to boot."

Dan

Glenn said...

"This way I get to look at all the chicks' boobs when you're talking."

Anonymous said...

"Hmmmm, what rhymes with 'I've got photos of you fucking the cleaning woman'?"

Rob

Anonymous said...

"A-4 is a miss, but C-5, ha ha ha, sinks your fucking battleship, right, Phelpsy?"

xs

Tim H said...

"The meeting of the Board of Outsourcing Enterprises, Inc. will come to order."

Anonymouse said...

"I SAID, 'I'M GAY!'"

Kathy H said...

"Where is everybody? We were all supposed to tell Julie Taymor to take a hike."

Austin in PA said...

Yes Governor, of course it's a good idea.

Austin in PA said...

Oh crap. It's daylight savings time again, isn't it.

Austin in PA said...

This meeting of the Scott Walker fan club will come to order.

Anonymous said...

"The players want transparency, and more women reporters with big tits in the locker room."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Ever notice how much this table looks like a microchip?"

Drizzlestritz said...

Could you please pass the water?

Gary P said...

"Everybody else went on the spaceship with that cookbook guy. Can I take Jensen's seat today?"

JohnnyB said...

My way is the company way.
Executive policy is by me OK.
I'll never be president,
But there's one thing clear,
As long as my uncle can stand me,
I will still be here

boneguy said...

Welcome to the annual Goldman Sachs
Ethics in Finance Workshop. Once again, attendance has surpassed expectations.

Anonymous said...

"To the penny, Number One."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"...so the CEO turns to the tea partier and says, 'that union guy wants to take your cookie.'"

Anonymouse said...

"First order of business: Get rid of all those extra water glasses."

Anonymous said...

"I'm going to the commissary. Does anybody need anything?"

Rob

Trump and How to Live It said...

"Dammit, Baxter, I wanted the same number of chairs on both sides of the table. You're fired!"

Anonymous said...

"You ask me if I have dyslexia? Let me tell you something. I AM Dog."

xs

Damon said...

"My taint has been so itchy lately. How long do you think it'll take for your toenail to grow that far?"

Kathy H said...

"Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you."

Anonymous said...

"If you see the Wine Steward, would you send him down my way? Thanks."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Of all places, you’d think here at the corporate offices of The New Yorker, they’d have a lifeguard on duty.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I'm ordering the lobster bisque to start . . . How about you?"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Did you hear about the guy in a motorboat pulled over by a cop in the middle of the desert?"


---left coast wayne

boneguy said...

This must be the finest Hewlett Packard Board of Directors we have ever assembled.

Anonymous said...

"Few attendees, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

Anonymous said...

Productivity is up, sales are up, profits are up ... are we ever gonna fuckin' hire?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"No mustard, Bond, and I expect mine on rye."

My 5-year-old daughter said...

"You're in my seat"

Anonymous said...

"It's like being at a Mets' home game in late August."

One of us! One of us! One.....

Grandma said...

"If you think this table's long, you should see my dick."

Anonymous said...

"Payroll tax on stock option exercises of $55 million for fiscal 2001 to date is allocated to research and development, as the second plane hits the south tower, while administrative expenses in the Consolidated Statements of Operations remains steady."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"They're protesting the offensive winners of the boat contest. Or the firing of the Aflac duck. Not sure."

Tim H said...

"All those in favor of making a significant contribution to the Red Cross for Japanese relief, say 'Aye.' Alinla's usual kickback will be included."

Kathy H said...

"What did I always tell them? 'The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.'"

Anonymouse said...

"Yes. You're on Undercover Boss, I'm really the CEO...and, your fired."

Glenn said...

"Sorry, I'm still radioactive. How is it the only two white guys survived, anyway?"

Tim H said...

"Wait. You mean to tell me that they're all out auditioning to be the new voice of the Aflac duck?"

Anonymouse said...

"...and, you're fired."

Anonymous said...

The Evrolet woman? What does she have to do with - oh. Ohhhhhh. Well, good for you, Baxter.

-Carol Lou Ellen

(I know you don't need the link, alinla, but some newcomers might.)

Kathy H said...

Bizarro Musical Chairs

Anonymous said...

"How about, Catch the Wave—The New Toyota Tsunami? No good?"

prag

Anonymous said...

"The 9th annual meeting of the Coaltion of the Willing is now in session."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Yes Sir, Mr. Nimitz! I'll have those figures in just a sec."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Maybe a Mets fan club in L.A. was a bad idea.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

I'm going to sit this one out, sir. I had 3 explosions last night and my fuel rod is spent.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

“Sales are down 73% due to consumer confidence, competition overseas, cheaper and healthier alternatives, and because Kool-Aid tastes like shit.”

dwilk

boneguy said...

The annual review of safety policies and procedures for the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant plant is now in session. Now, where the hell is everyone?

Kathy H said...

"Apparently, we have a split-squad today."

Anonymouse said...

"I've got an idea. What if we published a book of New Yorker-type cartoons with Charlie Sheen quotes as captions? WINNING!"

boneguy said...

Before we get started,
did you know you can spell kimchi ,gimchi, kimchee, or kim chee? I needed to get that off my chest.

Anonymous said...

The others are out with radiation poisoning.

Jim Cavanaugh

Buzz said...

"Chair today, gone tomorrow."

Thai Bull said...

"Sorry, sir, only 28 chairs. I forgot it was March."

Anonymous said...

We have a quorum, Governor Walker.

Jim Cavanaugh

Marty M. said...

"Hey, Moose, let's get one thing straight: Cowboys never got stitches. Oh, yeah, and what an unfunny cartoon!

(saving alinla the typing: "and an even less funny, self-indulgent piece of shit craption")

Dale Pankratz said...

I heard everyone else missed the big Granada meeting with a headache.

OJ Peterson said...

A very brazen tandem of Robert Blake and William Shatner prepare their keynote address for the rather poorly attended first and last annual 'Murder is the New Divorce" Convention.

Tadd said...

"You know, when I sit at a table this huge, it makes me want to listen to Sigur Ros, visualize pastures, contemplate my own brilliance... And, maybe touch myself a little"

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, shit-for-brains, but a no-fly zone over the spewing plant in Fukushima would first require bombing the Japanese air defense systems on the ground."

xs

Anonymous said...

Fukushima Daiichi, you crazy bastard! How irradiated are you?

Oilman

Anonymous said...

“I can see now that turning the tables on you may not be as easy as I anticipated.”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“Señor, señor, let’s disconnect these cables
Overturn these tables
This place don’t make sense to me no more
Can you tell me what we’re waiting for, señor?”


---Little Bobby Zimmerman

Anonymous said...

“You know, I ‘never sat once at the head of the table, and didn’t even talk to the people at the table, who just cleaned up all the food from the table’ . . . but enough table talk . . . where’s Hattie Carroll with the agendas?”



---the Hibbing Hotshot

Anonymous said...

"When you've got something, you've got something to lose."

Anonymous said...

Perhaps we could give the quake survivors a chairtable donation.

Jim Cavanaugh

Señor Hardy said...

"Well, here's another nice mesa you've gotten me into!"

Anonymous said...

"What's the latest out of Fujiwhatsitz?"

PB

Anonymous said...

"Just like a Jap to bring a water cannon to a nuke plant."

Seth

Glenn said...

(not a cap, but honestly Al, I feel sad about your BIL, and it's hard to get all excited about coming up with a caption this week. Hugs to you and your sister.)

Anonymous said...

I'm a quake victim, too. I can't get parts for my Lexus.

Rocko

Austin said...

No more musical chairs.

JoeNunz said...

"Welcome to PaperFootball for Steroid Users Super Bowl I"

LR said...

"Sir, the one thing they had in common was picking Louisville and/or Pittsburgh for the Final Four."

Shelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelly said...

"To a man, we're missing the ones who voted for 'Seismic Sushi' and 'Tsunami Tuna Me!' rolls on our restaurants' menus."

Anonymous said...

Good moring, Mr. Icahn.

jobless

Eric G said...

I suppose a game of footsie is out of the question.

Anonymous said...

Excerpts from The Seasons.

For everything there is a season: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to laugh, and a time to weep; a time to dance, and a time to mourn......

2-4-11, 3-16-11

Steve_O said...

"They've all gone to pay their respects to Alinla's brother-in-law." (Very sorry to hear about your loss, Al!)

Anonymous said...

Likewise, al. So very sorry to hear about your loss. He was way too young. Condolences to you and Mrs. al.

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.