Monday, February 21, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #276


NOTE: First let me say the Anti-Caps last week were surprisingly good. If the following comments seem rushed and abbreviated there is a good reason. We moved last week and still do not have our cable and wi-fi up and running. It's Sunday night and I am at my mom-in-law's house. Mrs. al in la is watching the Oscars and I am in the next room doing this. I don't have much time so here goes. Better effort in the weeks ahead--I promise.


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I visited your bitch of a mother today. She was a fighter. And I didn't know she had a pacemaker! Anyhow, it's on your nightstand." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent imagery. It a highly competitive week this stood out. This suggests a daughter-in-law ripped the heart out of her husband's mom. Usually it is the other way around.)

SECOND PLACE
"No, you can't use your safe word on Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. You'll watch it, and you'll cry, bitch!" --NJtoTX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Steel Magnolias may have worked better but your point is well taken.)

THIRD PLACE
"I hear the Duct Tape A L'Orange is to die for" --OSH (JUDGE'S COMMENTS Three minutes after this was posted "Dom Estever" added this far less interesting entry: "The Duct tape l'orange is knot all it's Quacked to be!" This is the opposite of building on success.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You are truly a pathetic excuse for a government employee. I didn't tie a single knot."---Suzanna L. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An excellent point. At the Staten Island DMV you would have to wait an hour on line to find out what line you have to wait on. This reminded me of that.)


No, fuck you! --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on few levels. Thanks Johnny, you are as cleaver as you are handsome.)

"Now do you think you'll be able to ignore your Blackberry for one frickin' meal?" --LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We've all been there.)

I'm a big believer in taking it slow. I wouldn't think of hooking up electrodes to your testicles until at least the salad course. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I repeat: we've all been there.)

A Thai place? Oh my god, I'm so sorry.--Leo/Lev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We like puns here no matter how predictable.)

No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dine. -- David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because "dine" sounds a little like "die." You can't make this stuff up.)

"Bondage. Jane Bondage."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I had more time I would tell you about an interview I did with Pia Sands. She is a porn star who played "Jane Bonda" in the porn spoff "Bizarre Workout." This was the late 80's.)

That's Bondage-James Bondage! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Same joke, more or less.)


Fusilli, in crazy bondage how are you? --S.M. Noodle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic. )

Futility! You crazy bastard. How are you going to get out? --JohnnyB
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Classic lite.)

You ordered the fusilli? You crazy bastard how are you going to eat it?--fittobetied (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Classic camp.)

"In Soviet Russia, date rapes you!" --David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like classics but this makes no sense. Date rape involves being raped by your date. "Rape dates you." makes no sense.)

The hours here are demeaning.--boundtofail (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another reach. )

This radical combined exposure therapy has proven to be remarkably effective in simultaneously treating alcoholism, over-eating and social anxiety. However, in some subjects, a latent S&M fetish emerges. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds like the guy in the chair is a Red Sox fan.)

Well, Eric G., it was the only way to keep you from touching yourself when the Patriots were playing.---james (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks james!)

"This...and I cannot make myself any clearer...is the New Normal." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy continues to show marginal improvement.)

You're going to stay like that until you think of a funny caption.-- Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If that's Johnny B. in the chair it will be a long wait.)

.[Tim H accepts the Academy Award for Ironic Photo-Posing. In mocking the cartoons and the cartoon caption contest in The New Yorker, Tim H said from the podium, "Just like Playboy and the U.S. Constitution, I read The New Yorker for the articles."] --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Since I wrote most of this while watching the Oscars...)


How alinla envisions his granddaughter's first date, 35 years from now.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the sentiment but, why 35 years? Jim, in 35 years she will not be on a first date.)

You're tangled up and blew. Or should I say 'blown'? Whatever - you got your bondage and blow job. Happy anniversary, Al. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One thing about Johnny B and me: We always did feel the same we just saw it from a different point of view.)

124 comments:

Austin in PA said...

Loosen up already. This is supposed to be fun.

JohnnyB said...

No, fuck you!

David said...

No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dine.

Loxy said...

"Would like a little walleye on your bagel?"

LR said...

"Now do you think you'll be able to ignore your Blackberry for one frickin' meal?"

NJtoTX said...

"No, you can't use your safe word on Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. You'll watch it, and you'll cry, bitch!"

David said...

Now that I've got you tied down for a minute, we can finally discuss the "big O" problem hanging over this relationship.

Anonymous said...

How alinla envisions his granddaughter's first date, 35 years from now.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

You haven't touched your wine, dear.

NJtoTX said...

Sheila's magic tricks were getting out of hand. But how did she get the flames to separate from the candles like that?

Anonymous said...

"I told your boss you were tied up."

JohnnyB said...

Seriously, you can't even eat spaghetti without getting it all over you and you think I'd be interested in a second date?

JohnnyB said...

You're tangled up and blew. Or should I say 'blown'? Whatever - you got your bondage and blow job. Happy anniversary, Al.

Satireguy said...

"I like my men like I like my pasta --- al dente."

skeeelz said...

Let's let the wine breathe a bit while we wait for the Stockholm syndrome to kick in.

JohnnyB said...

Tell me where the chocolate is.

Satireguy said...

"I loved your profile on Bondage.com."

boneguy said...

I'm thinking a nightcap and then maybe little waterboarding back at my place?

Anonymous said...

Don't you just love these RNC after-parties?

Rocko

Damon said...

"Did I take your son to an aquarium? There's plenty of fish in the lake down the road, and your Mercedes doesn't float. So, yes."

Damon said...

"I visited your bitch of a mother today. She was a fighter. And I didn't know she had a pacemaker! Anyhow, it's on your nightstand."

Suzanna L. said...

"You are truly a pathetic excuse for a government employee. I didn't tie a single knot."

Kathy H said...

"Tie-dyed or Dine tied. What difference does it make?"

Tim H said...

"I think tou should try the ropa vieja."

Tim H said...

"...you should try..."

Anonymous said...

"Bondage. Jane Bondage."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Kathy H. finally agreed to go out with Johhny B., but she set some conditions.

matchmaker

Anonymous said...

"I picked it for it's hint of cedar and eucalyptus and because it's highly flammable."

Rob

Has Bro said...

I thought you said to slip into something SLINKY tm

OSH said...

"I hear the Duct Tape A L'Orange is to die for"

S.M. Noodle said...

Fusilli, in crazy bondage how are you?

Dom Estever said...

The Duct tape l'orange is knot all it's Quacked to be!

Patty Heminthes said...

"Tapeworms make me horny."

Debbie Downer said...

Helminthes. It's Helminthes

Marti M said...

"'No strings attached' my muff!"

Anonymous said...

"I like my men well hung."

Bev

99 said...

"Max, I really love the redesigned Cone of Silence"

B. Mumy said...

"We're breaking up; you've got mummy issues"

J. Mayer-Pitt-Duritz said...

"I'm Jennifer Fucking Aniston and you WILL be having dinner with me."

JohnnyB said...

Futility! You crazy bastard. How are you going to get out?

Anonymous said...

"It's OK. I'm a school teacher."



---blw

Gary P said...

"Ever see Hard Candy? or Misery?"

Anonymous said...

“’If my hands are tied must I not wonder within/Who tied them and why and where must I have been?’ . . . Yeah, I know that’s what you’re thinking . . . that and what’s for dinner.”


---Minnesota Slim

Anonymous said...

"Can I wrap your forearms next time? It's kind of odd for them to stick out like that."

Anonymous said...

"Are you feeling rheumatic yet?"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"I'll let that slide, and you're not exactly Harry fucking Houdini."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"I find a glass of wine at the end of the day tends to loosen me up. How about you?"


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I find a glass of wine at the end of the day tends to loosen me up. How about you?"


---blw

Anonymous said...

“As you may have guessed, I’m ready to tie the knot.”


---blw

Anonymouse said...

"...and then we'll watch Almodóvar's Tie Me Up! Tie me Down!"

boneguy said...

I'm a big believer in taking it slow. I wouldn't think of hooking up electrodes to your testicles until at least the salad course.

Tim H said...

"Thanks for going along. When one is a restaurant critic like me, one must use distractions to keep one's identity secret."

Anonymous said...

Good work, Odysseus, but I wish you had brought some Trojans.

-Lev

Anonymous said...

It's not that I'm ashamed that we met on JDate, exactly, but ...

-Leo

Anonymous said...

"And after dinner I thought we'd both hang out under the oak tree."

Bev

Anonymous said...

A Thai place? Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

-Leo/Lev

Dr Sumguy said...

"Carrie Fisher. And yours?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm sorry you lost your legs to an IED, but I'm fucking tired of having to prop you up."

Rob

Steve_O said...

"And after we eat, there'll be some dancing while I play 'Stuck in the Middle with You' and then viciously slice off your ear."

Anonymous said...

Now do you want to know how it would feel if I were "literally" suffocating you? You schmuck.

-Leo/Lev

'Fraid said...

"I see you know the ropes."

Satireguy said...

"Just be thankful I tied your hands together separately so you could drink your wine, dickhead."

Meg said...

"How do you like my hempline?"

Anonymous said...

This is a good start, but I'll need access to your nipples for the hot wax.

m.sade

Blonde said...

That's Bondage-James Bondage!

Utellme said...

Clearly, this is no gag.

LV said...

"By now you must realize that part of a date with moi, Kathy Griffin, is working the red carpet."

Anonymous said...

"No, Brad, you're not bound to get laid tonight."

Bev

Kathy H said...

"Which restaurant do I like better, Mario's or this one? Hmmm. I guess it's a tie."

Clarice said...

"Oh Han, the fava beans on their way. Hfph...hfph...hfph...hfph!!"

David said...

"In Soviet Russia, date rapes you!"

Anonymous said...

I warned you the lasagna would bind you up.

Rocko

Eric G said...

This radical combined exposure therapy has proven to be remarkably effective in simultaneously treating alcoholism, over-eating and social anxiety. However, in some subjects, a latent S&M fetish emerges.

james said...

Well, Eric G., it was the only way to keep you from touching yourself when the Patriots were playing.

illegaluseofthehands

Tim H said...

"You think this is bad? Wait 'til March Madness!"

Anonymouse said...

Rose Ceremony, Schrose Ceremony. What I got here is a Rope Ceremony! Capische?

Kathy H said...

"This...and I cannot make myself any clearer...is the New Normal."

Anonymous said...

You're a knotty boy.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"I'm so glad you're joining my rotisserie league."

Rob

Kathy H said...

"You've heard of the expression Rope-A-Dope, right? Well..."

Tim H said...

"Oh, so you thought I said that we we're going to Cafe Europa..."

Anonymous said...

It's time for a little role playing. I'm the Governor of Wisconsin and you're the public employee unions.

Jim Cavanaugh

Beth said...

"Honey, you are so sweet! You wore a tie to dinner."

Tim H said...

"How 'bout them Knicks?"

Il's Truck said...

"You spool that dog!"

Mrs. John Holmes said...

"Your linguine is showing."

Gil's Wife said...

"You got ties on, Gil."

boneguy said...

Okay,okay I get it. You're an heir to the 3M fortune.

Anonymous said...

"I want to be close. Glenn Close."

Bev

Penelope said...

"Practicing being married was a great idea. Well, what do you think?"

NAMBY said...

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to untie."

Anonymous said...

“I hate you—don’t leave me.”

dwilk

Dwight said...

Just wait till next year, when Al gets to watch the "Office" rerun about the caption contest.

Gary P said...

"Duct tape, quack!"

Satireguy said...

"So tell me about your day."

Tim H said...

[Tim H accepts the Academy Award for Ironic Photo-Posing. In mocking the cartoons and the cartoon caption contest in The New Yorker, Tim H said from the podium, "Just like Playboy and the U.S. Constitution, I read The New Yorker for the articles."]

james said...

I was date-raped once.

Rocko

Grandma said...

"Fuck you! Go in your pants."

Anonymous said...

"I'm so glad we came here for a romantic breakfast at Windows on the World. But how did you get wrapped up like that?"

Anonymous said...

Would you like to seek a non-binding agreement?

Jim Cavanaugh

T.N. Tina Turner said...

"That's not rope, it's a wick - attached to the stick of dynamite I shoved up your ass. Now, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, move closer to the candlestick."

Utellme said...

"And for dessert, it's the Chinese Water Torture Cell. Escape that, and I'll let you 'Escape this marriage.' as you so blithely put it this morning."

I.C. Paris said...

"Gag you? First off, the Coq au vin here is to DIE for, and you've got the best dinner conversation of anybody I know."

- Wolfgang Bang
(Viet/German Illusionist)

Austin in PA said...

You're going to stay like that until you think of a funny caption.

Austin in PA said...

As soon as Mr. Lector returns, we'll start the main course.

Austin in PA said...

Amanda Knox is late. Think we should start without her?

Miss Spell said...

"Wait until I order the tablewear."

BTB said...

"Remember, darling, always bend at the knees when you lift."

Anonymous said...

“You’re just bound to make this all about yourself, aren’t you?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Honey, is something wrong? You hardly touched your meal at all.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“You’re probably wondering why I’ve brought you here tonight.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

The hours here are demeaning.

boundtofail

Anonymous said...

You ordered the fusilli? You crazy bastard! How are you going to eat it?

fittobetied

Anonymouse said...

[Nod to james...and/or Rocko]

"I was date-roped once."

Moishe said...

"Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheynu Melech haolam, borey pri hagafin.

Blessed are You Lord our God King of the universe who has created the fruit of the vine, and put this bound man in front of me.

Richard H said...

"Sorry for the precautions, but I've never dated a Congressman who tried to redefine rape before."

Satireguy said...

"Thank you so much for coming tonight."

Glenn said...

"I think I can tell you now. I fucked your brother on our wedding day."

Glenn said...

"Oh, and the best man, too."

Steve_O said...

"Yes, this IS a delicious chianti! It will go well when I cook up your liver with some fava beans."

sam! said...

"Although I have tied you to a chair, you don't have to WINE about it. Also, I am going to kill you now."

Rolf Harris said...

"Tie me kangaroo down, sport."

smuck said...

"Now, where were we before I had to tie you to the chair. Oh, right. You said something about wanting to see other people?"

Farrah F said...

You have a flat!?!? I thought you needed me To Tie Ryan!

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.