Monday, January 24, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #273


Note: Sorry these are a bit late. There are a few distractions going on in my life right now. My step-daughter is on the brink of giving birth to a little girl, who is very likely to be a huge Mets fan and will probably go to college on an ice hockey scholarship and know the words to many Dylan songs. Safe to say we're psyched.
Freelance editing assignments are also dominating my time. I am working for an online company that has remarkably low standards for writers [and, it world seem, editors.] I believe my work here has prepared me for this gig. Still, I am getting an education. A few days ago, I was sent an article that really sucked. It took me forever to make it suck less. So, I wrote a note to the writer that said "this is disjointed, confusing and an absolute mess." and of course, me being me, I didn't know when to stop: "If you submitted this to a fifth grade English class you would get an F..."
Apparently the writer started crying like a Red Sox fan after the 86' series. (Something about "abusive and nasty.") So I got a terse email from the powers that be telling me I should be more "diplomatic in my comments" and "provide specific examples of where the story falls short." I was like "excuse me??" I mean Johnny B. never demands "specific examples" as to why his Anti-Caps suck. Isn't that always the way? When people pay you, they always want you to do what they want you to do.

A
lso tugging at my attention is the fact that me and Mrs al in la are fixing to move. We won't be going too far, just one from part of L.A. to another. Pretty much swapping one white bread bedroom community for another. It's still a distraction. Nuff said.


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
We're gonna need a bigger shovel. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Picking this as the top winner proves once again that I don't give a shit who wins play favorites. We learned from another Anti-Cap entered in this contest that this Eric character is a fan of the Foxborough Patriots, which suggests he may also fancy the Red Sox and, no doubt, he thinks Tom Brady is dreamy. Even worse, he also entered a cap taunting me for the Jets' loss to the Steelers a week ago. Still, this cap--which evokes a line from Jaws--is a natural for this cartoon. My wife laughed out loud. It is also short and dumb--which I am almost certain describes Eric.)

SECOND PLACE
"Do you think Valdemar's headstone is too ostentatious?" --Gary P
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on a few levels. Despite abject poverty and miserable weather, Russia is known for over-the-top tombs. Also it's a good bet the word "ostentatious" has never appeared in a NewYorker cartoon. I know it has never reared its head in this contest--and it's certainly not a word that Eric would know. So Gary, no doubt inadvertently, has classed the place up and made a poignant comment about the distorted priorities of a place that makes Foxborough, Mass seem appealing.)

THIRD PLACE
"I don't know who put it there. Oh, wait, some prankster wrote their name in the snow." -cta(JUDGE'S COMMENT: If we can look past the grammatical error [it should be HIS name], this reminded me of The Simpson's episode when one of the founding fathers is heard saying "Look! John Hancock is writing his name in the snow!" One of the funniest lines ever uttered on that show. And speaking of getting pissed on, isn't that what the N.Y. Jets did to the Foxborough Patriots a few weeks ago. Ask Eric, he would know.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
So? The forecast was for several feet of snow.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This made me think of last Friday when I was sitting here watching the Weather Channel while shoveling coal editing copy. The east coast was paralyzed by snow; a few people were killed by plows and thousands were without power. Meanwhile it was 70 degrees and sunny here. I am not smug nor do I take any satisfaction from the misery of others [you listening Eric?] but it reminded me that this is a much nicer place--weather wise anyway. Want proof? The state of California, where I live, has hosted the Super Bowl 10 times which is exactly 10 times more than the state of Massachusetts, where I'm pretty sure Eric lives--or wants to live so he can be closer to the his boy friend Tom Brady.)

"The irony is that Susan made all her money in the ice business. You might even say she was an 'ice magnate'. Ha, get it - magnet?! Too soon? OK, I'll call the funeral home."--smuck(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Lots wrong with this stupid cap. First it's a snow flake. Not ice. Also, how the hell does any one make money in the "ice business?" But smuck, a close cousin of Eric, was reaching for a pun. He got one. The cost was steep but he redeemed himself with the "too soon" part. )

"No, it has 6 lines of symmetry; 3 through opposite vertices, and 3 through the midpoints of the opposite sides. And it has rotational symmetry order of order 6 because a rotation of any multiple of 60 degrees, 1/6 of a circle, results in the same figure. C'mon doofus, this stuff is not hard." --Glenn
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one made my eyes glaze over [get it?] but you can not deny the effort. This is not funny, but the last part, the doofus part, is probably the most intelligent thing anyone has ever said here--and that includes this week's winner.)
.
"Giant ninjas?"--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is very, very short, barely noticeable--not unlike a certain Anti-Cap first place winner. It is also very creative. This suggests that this is some type of huge weapon. The question mark really helps. )

How can I get to work with twenty feet of snow on the ground?
Christ what an ice hole that made in the yard.
Watch where the Huskies go and don't eat that yellow snow.
(LATER)
It's the honorable mention trophy. Congratulations on finally getting it again.
--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A banner week for the hardest working, yet least successful Anti Capper. The third cap is a line from a Frank Zappa song. The fourth cap, which came several hours after the first three, is a touching tribute to the an award that should be displayed prominently in Johnny's house. Unfortunately it's only an imaginary trophy. I believe Johnny roams the country in a Winnebago wearing his baseball hat and attending acoustic Jackson Browne concerts while sipping Chardonnay. I also suspect he enjoyed watching the Jets crush the Patriots a few weeks ago. I'm just saying I think Johnny and I are a lot a like--except one of us is creative and the other is, shall we say, uncomplicated. Either way, we both like Jackson Browne and wear baseball caps. )

"Teacher says, 'Whenever a giant snowflake drops, a
96-year-old fitness guru kicks the bucket.'"
"Hey, dumbass!
57th and Fifth is that way!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What is it with the links Kathy? Do you think anyone clicks on to them? I, for one, understood both of these references immediately. [Although I didn't realize Richard Simmons, rest his soul, was THAT old.] What I don't get is why they would be considered Anti-Caption worthy. Still, I suspect Kathy--who is extremely observant-- was impressed by the Jets second half rally against the Steelers. I like you Kathy, that's why I ridicule you least.)

Snow Flurry, you crazy bastard! How are you?--T. Less Classic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of the three classics entered this week, this was the best. So there's that. Speaking of classics: On Dec. 6 the Jets lost to the Pats 45 -3. That was brutal. But on Jan. 16, in the playoffs when it really counted, the Jets beat Eric's team the Pats, 28-21. That is a classic turn around and a classic humiliation if you live in the Foxoborough. )

"Jew symmetry, you crazy bastard...."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please include the "How are you part?" We expect more from you dwilk. It's not like you live in Braintree or Athol or some other place with a stupid name in a state that's impossible to spell.)

The showers here are extreme.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim favors the classics. It's a good bet he too was very impressed withe Jets ability to make the AFC championship game two-years in a row. How many teams can say that? Well, just the Jets, actually.)

If you ask me, the answer is blowin' in the wind."--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You know, with his scruffy playoff beard and his quiet, classy charm and powerful yet understated demeanor, Jet QB Mark Sanchez kind of reminds me of a young Bob Dylan (If Dylan was 6'2" and buffed, I mean). Tom Brady reminds me of Justin Bieber. Still, in fairness Brady did not have much time to grow a playoff beard this year.)

......Just like a Patriot fan to bring an abacus to a spelling bee--Anonymous(JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Knife to a guy fight" would have been fine. More important, this is just a cheap shot at a team that was once a dominant force in the AFC. A little pompous, but nice work, Anonymous, who ever you are.)

I'm glad Al caught that on his tongue and not me. You want to poke the corpse? --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh I have been poked, my friend. But at least I caught the damn thing. The Patriots had the second most dropped passes in the NFL this season. Or as Eric might say: Thank God for the Lions.)

Is it me or does the winter seem longer, colder and bleaker since the Jets lost? --Eric G, a Pats fan consoling himself with Schadenfreude
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: As you know, Jets fans are known for the being good sports who enjoy a bit of good natured ribbing. Good one little buddy. And did I mention that it's 70 degrees and sunny this time of year where I live? )

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Giant ninjas?"

Bev

Austin in PA said...

Is it me, or are the Christmas decorations getting slightly out of hand this year?

JohnnyB said...

How can I get to work with twenty feet of snow on the ground?

JohnnyB said...

Christ what an ice hole that made in the yard.

JohnnyB said...

Watch where the Huskies go and don't eat that yellow snow.

Anonymous said...

"It wasn't my idea to build a house in Area 51."

D-flat

Sarah said...

"And you think I'm a big flake"

Yule gibbons said...

"I'm getting a strange high from this crystal mess"

smuck said...

"The irony is that Susan made all her money in the ice business. You might even say she was an 'ice magnate'. Ha, get it - magnet?! Too soon? OK, I'll call the funeral home."

Eric G, a Pats fan consoling himself with Schadenfreude said...

Is it me or does the winter seem longer, colder and bleaker since the Jets lost?

Erik said...

"And you still believe in global warming?"

Eric G said...

Previous headline is:
...consoling himself with Schadenfreude

Anonymous said...

"It is a hexagon, Martha, but my wish was for a sexathon."

dwilk

Kathy said...

"Teacher says, 'Whenever a giant snowflake drops, a 96-year-old fitness guru kicks the bucket.'"

Juan Offerkind said...

I've never seen another one like it

Kieth Jansen said...

So this is the 'mystery snowflake' that knocked out Jay Cutler. Someone said it was a Meteorite

Bucky said...

He's always been an overachiever but I have no fucking clue how we are getting this baby to the Science Fair

Austin in PA said...

Why is it yellow?

Austin in PA said...

I'm glad Al caught that on his tongue and not me. You want to poke the corpse?

boneguy said...

This is nothing. You should have seen the size of them before the Test Ban Treaty.

Anonymous said...

"Solid steel, Harry. Not like that flaky stuff."

white trash

Anonymous said...

"It could be a form of higher intelligence just like the trees in our yard."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Just like a Patriot fan to bring an abacus to a spelling bee.

Eric G said...

We're gonna need a bigger shovel.

Anonymous said...

"It's like fucking Buffalo."

Bev

Tim H said...

"I think I saw this one on The Weather Channel's special, When Snowflakes ATTACK!!!."

Anonymous said...

"....so Rottszenberg pulled it out at the end goin' with his stall offense, and the Jets were fucked like a giant snowflake in a heat wave."

Nils

Chuck Phile said...

"Whatever you do, don't lick it; it was made in China."

Fans Everywhere said...

"You mean that thing was in Jay Cutler's pussy. Well, that explains everything."

Kathy H said...

"Quick, call Cheap Trick's manager. Tell him we found Rick Nielsen's guitar."

Tim H said...

"No lie. I dreamt about this last night."

Kathy H said...

"Hey, dumbass! 57th and Fifth is that way!"

Tim H said...

"Quick! Call that Guinness fella!"

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Star of David is everywhere you look."

D-flat

boneguy said...

You try living next door to Michael Bay.

Anonymous said...

"Compare this to black ice which sneaks up on you, knocks you to the ground, fractures your skull and when you come to your wallet's missing."

Nils

Glenn said...

"A six-pointed star. When did we become Jewish?"

Anonymous said...

"Jew symmetry, you crazy bastard...."

dwilk

Satireguy said...

"Not to worry. No two are alike."

not Mr_T said...

"Get cho snowflake off my lawn, Cracka!"

Mr_Freeze said...

"Leucojum, you crazy bastard! Where's Al Gore been keepin' ya!"

Steve_O said...

"Shitty fucking weather."

rush_L said...

"You can find a single, unique snowflake, but the world can't track down one man's birth certificate?"

LR said...

"They've landed here to neuter our pets? Oh, so it must be a Spay Station."

Anonymous said...

"If you ask me, the answer is blowin' in the wind."

Bev

Rex said...

"Yup, yer right. We don't get much snow here in Texas but when we do..."

Kathy H said...

"I understand it's the symbol of the 2014 Winter Olympics. His name is Flakey."

Gary P said...

"Do you think Valdemar's headstone is too ostentatious?"

Anonymous said...

"In the house, behind the giant door in the hall.. That's where you'll find the snowshovel for this.." -cta

Anonymous said...

"I don't know who put it there. Oh, wait, some prankster wrote their name in the snow." -cta

Anonymouse said...

"I abused my cat, Snowflake, and finally buried her last week. Do you think this is a sign of some sort?"

Exhausted photo cliche said...

"Hey Honey, how's your funny perspective photograph coming along? Do we look tiny and the snowflake huge. Oh, this is going to be so funny. Great idea; just like when I had my finger on top of the Washington Monument."

Satireguy said...

"I would say this is a close encounter of the worst kind."

Anonymouse said...

"Dude, the state of the Union is...fucked up!"

boneguy said...

"Ta-Dah. The world's first invisible microscope!"

Anonymous said...

"Aflake!"

...third prize, you're all fired.

Anonymous said...

Property of BP.Return postage.

Tony the Tiger said...

"Frosted Flakes, they're GREAT!"

Utellme said...

"My wife's black, former pimp sends one every year."

Anonymous said...

"It's a tsnownami."

D-flat

Kathy H said...

"This so blows 'golf ball-sized hail' right out of the water!"

Tim H said...

"Hey, tell President Obama that we do things big here in Podunk, too."

Tim H said...

"...we do big things..."

Richard H said...

"Whatever it is, it's Obama's fault."

sam! said...

That's a big snowflake.
----
Now THAT'S a big snowflake
----
That's one helluva big snowflake
----
See? Told you mine was bigger!
----
Oh No-flake!

Glenn said...

"No, it has 6 lines of symmetry; 3 through opposite vertices, and 3 through the midpoints of the opposite sides. And it has rotational symmetry order of order 6 because a rotation of any multiple of 60 degrees, 1/6 of a circle, results in the same figure. C'mon doofus, this stuff is not hard."

John K. said...

"For Chrissake, Martha, just shut your piehole! Surprise, surpise! Your super-strong alien baby is nowhere to be found, you demented half-wit."

D. Calf said...

"Well let me tell you, mister, the best part of waking up is not having a huge renegade Folgers flavor crystal imbedded in your front yard! Aaaarghh"

Anonymous said...

“No two exactly the same??? Nonsense!!! I saw one exactly like this only last week . . . of course, it was considerably smaller.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Han Solo’s been drinking again . . . fourth time this month he’s cracked up the ‘Millennium Falcon’.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I’m going to give it a ‘9.7’. I mean, it did stick the landing.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You can’t practice in this crap. If we’re going to get any gold at Sochi, this will never do.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“It gets great reception . . . but only in winter.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Since we put it up, the reception hasn’t improved all that much . . . still a lot of snow.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Lake effect."

-- Dex

Satireguy said...

"I think it's going to be a tough winter."

boneguy said...

Los Alamos snow. It's just different,man.

David Macharelli said...

Damn it, Lore! We just moved here!

Anonymous said...

"You shoulda seen the snowflake of '78."

D-flat

Glenn said...

"I hear that it tore Santa a new bunghole."

Anonymous said...

"Snowflake, I'd like to introduce you to Lardass."

Bev

Love-i would be better said...

"At least we don't live in Haiti."

Anonymous said...

So? The forecast was for several feet of snow.

Rocko

JohnnyB said...

It's the honorable mention trophy. Congratulations on finally getting it again.

JohnnyB said...

The weatherman said there'd be two flakes. they are never friggin' right.

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Humungous snowflake at night,
Sailors' delight..."

Anonymous said...

"Oh, that Guinness record. I thought you meant the five cases I imbibed last night."

D-flat

Anonymous said...

1st man: “The moonlight reflects from the window
Where the snowflake it covers the sand;
Come out tonight everything will be tight
Winterlude, this dude thinks you're grand.
2nd man: “I don’t think so.”

---the Hibbing Hotshot

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"...Humongous..."

Gary P said...

"It's a sentinel placed here by beings from Centaurus. It's going to tell them when we stop being complete, fucking idiots."

Stands with a Fistula said...

"Me runna outa wampum to buy willow hoop for giant dream catcher. Me do boo-boo-boo-boo dance to god of willow hoops."

Satireguy said...

"When I said 'what a flake', I was referring to you."

Anonymous said...

Damn, a snow flake with six penises.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

The showers here are extreme.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Well, it certainly looks like a penis. I suppose you'll be getting your tongue stuck on it.

Jess said...

"That Jeannie! I wished for a BLOW job that I'd never forget."

Anonymous said...

"Will you go get me another glass of Chardonnay while I think of something to say?"

Anonymouse said...

"This is crazy enough. But in Australia? And at this time of year??"

Satireguy said...

"No, it's a neo-classical pretzel."

Abbott said...

"But why is it flat? Shouldn't it be roughly spherical?"

Austin in PA said...

Oh, so that's how an ice sculptor becomes rich.

T. Less Classic said...

Snow Flurry, you crazy bastard! How are you?

Glenn said...

"It was so nice of that Phil Connors to give Ned a snowflake headstone."

Anonymous said...

Anonymouse said...

"I'm just a girl who cain't say 'snow.' I'm in a terrible fix."

Swaption said...

"It's fallen, and I can't get it up."

Satireguy said...

"Let it snow, let it snow, my ass."

Racist A-hole said...

"honey, we better get one of those Mexicans down at Home Depot to clean this shit up.

Glenn said...

Honey I Blew Up the Doily

Interstices said...

"I dare you to pee on it."

Anonymous said...

I find this sculpture impressive yet uninspiring.

Anonymous said...

Great comments this week. Nice to see you out of your post-playoff funk.

JC

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.