Sunday, January 30, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #274 (Happy now, Kathy?)

Note: What a week! I became a grandfather, the Steelers lost the Super Bowl and some team from Wisconsin won...let's see what else? Well, that was pretty much it. But the grand father part is very exciting. I forgot how tiny babies are or how they cry with almost no provocation. The photo I posted last week was taken in the hospital the day after she was born. It is already my favorite photo. In fairness, she started crying shortly after the picture was taken so I handed her off to her mom--which is the best part about grand-parenting.
As for the Super Bowl, it was close but somehow not all that exciting. I thought Fox did an awful job covering it. Joe Buck sounds like a parody of a full-of-himself blow-hard announcer. During a pregame show that lasted for many hours, they had a bunch of flag waving to remind us we live in a nation of where 60 minutes of football can be stretched to nearly five hours, Then we had some bleached-blond chick with hooker red lipstick screw up the national anthem. I admit, however, that I hate all things Fox-related (except "The Simpsons" and even that has sucked in recent years.) While I generally like the Black Eyed Peas, there half time act was an absolute embarrassment. We got home late Sunday night so I didn't get around to post the Anti Cap winner until I got around to it Which is now: Tuesday morning at 2:40 a.m. As is tradition, I made it a tie because the caps were, generally speaking, pretty lame. Win some, lose some--right Pittsburgh?

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE (TIE)
"Last time, dumbass, we don't serve Ballentine's." --J_Beam (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More cute that cleaver. "Ballentine" is cheap beer that sounds a little like "ballet" and ballet dancers typically have names like Christine [That, by the way, is something that just occurs to me. I have no facts to back it up.] But this is sort of funny, which is why it tied for first rather than won. The signature--J_Beam--is a reference to Jimmy Bean, a brand of burbon best described as the poor man's Jack Daniels. So the author of this cap is definitely in the right neighborhood. )

FIRST PLACE (TIE)
“Every week it’s the same old ‘Bolshoi’ with you. Now, get outta’ here before I call the bouncer.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, every freaking week. This struck a minor cord. "Bolshoi" sounds like "bull shit." It also has something to do with ballet which is a form of entertainment I know almost nothing about. What's interesting is the tough-looking bartender needs to call a bouncer to evict these two. Maybe blw was making a comment on the Anti-Cap contest. Maybe if I picked fewer Honorable Mentions and deleted the really crappy caps. )

SECOND PLACE
"Look, Hosni, you and your friend don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." --The Egyptologist (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is reference to the head honcho in Egypt who's been in power for 30 years. After thousands rioted in the street to demand his ouster, he agreed not to seek re-election. We have seen this before: An incompetent, arrogant and dishonest leader to stupid to know he is hated. When he does leave office, he'll probably retire to his ranch and write a book about the tough decisions he had to make. He'll get good seats at the Super Bowl too.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I've found that the least talented scream the loudest, are the most abusive and the most self-assured. They've slept on my couches and puked on my rugs and drank my drinks and they have told me, continuously, of their greatness" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny and a bit long for my taste, but this is highly profound. No, I can't say it fits the cartoon, but it makes a statement. Maybe it is a quote from somewhere [I know it's not Dylan]. I also wonder how many couches does this guy have, and why did he invited these people over if they did all that. )


"Okay, you drive a hard bargain-- I'll take the cheap whiskey off your hands. . . but only if I get a 'handy' from Renee Richards over there" --Bernie_W (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is awful but esoteric. Even in her prime, Renee never looked that good. She was born Richard Raskind but after undergoing a lopitoffamy, she sued for the right to play professional tennis with women. This cap has us believe she gives hand jobs to grease the wheels of commerce. She would have that tennis player's grip so there's that.)

"She won't be putting her feet up on THIS bar, mack. And ain't no Tschaikovsky on the jukebox." --You've Got Your Nureyev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap is also awful, but the spelling is impeccable. And it conjures an obvious pun. Why would the bartender be such a hard ass? Does anyone really call anyone "mack?" Are you starting to see what I mean about it being a lame week--Anti-Cap-wise?)


"For the last time, what you're lookin' for is spelled B-A-R-R-E." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Leave it to Kathy to set everyone straight. As crossword puzzle solvers know, the rail that ballet dancers use is not spelled "bar." They also know that a "nutcracker" refers not just to mentally unstable white trash from Mississippi. Thanks Kathy. )

Full nudity you crazy bastard! How are you gonna pole dance like that? The happy hours here are obscene.
Too frilly, you crazy bastard! How are you gonna lap dance in that?
Belly up to the barre.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, Jim, Jim! Do you have an original ideas? If you don't it's okay. Just admit you have a problem. I will recognize no more classic cap variations from you until you agree to get help--or submit something worthwhile.)

"Great Posture but No Titties, you crazy bastard! How are you?"-- Braad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, please take note: This is what a clever classic looks like. And as for you Braad, better small and perky than big and saggy. [Am I right or wrong?] I almost picked this as the winner but I wanted it down here where Jim could see it --and learn from it.)


"No. I haven't seen
mypalmike. Nope. Not since August 5, 2010." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is true. What's is more telling that it took six months for anyone to notice. )

"Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?"--George_B (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A line from "It's a Wonderful Life." It was not spoken by George Bailey, it was Nick the bartender. Yes, it fits, but whoever wrote this did nothing with it. Shame on you. I am not saying this contest would be better off if you were never born, but if this was submitted by a George who's last name rhymes with tush, I truly believe we would all be better off if poppy used a rubber when he mounted Babs that fateful night. I believe Clarence and his boss would agree. )

"Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint 'atmosphere.'...Now tell your friend Eric G. over there--the one wearing a tu-tu and pining for his boy friend Tom Brady--that we don't allow no stinkin' Patriot fans in here either!!" ---Guess Who? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is more like it! Frankly, I think Eric has been a good sport. And if he wears a tu-tu and lusts after last season's MVP, that's his business. I can think of worst things--like running the nation's economy into the ground than showing your face at the Super Bowl.)

"Yous two look like the ballet of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest". --Oblig Dyl Ref (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another dumb pun, this one evoking a Dylan song. Most fans of the metal band Judas Priest have no idea where the name came from. That's why they are called head bangers. Still, as Bob sang in that song: "One should never be, where one does not belong.")

"Turn around and see the frown while she's doin' tricks for you."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another Dylan reference, this one from 'Like a Rolling Stone' It does not work here but, this was kind of a soft week. )

[This is the bestest of moments! Congrats to all!] But, you are going to have to decide: Will she grow up to "like baseball" or to "be a Mets fan." Tough choice. (I know; I'm a Mets fan.)] --All The Best Wishes To Grandpa Al in LA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for the warm wishes. but it's way too early to be taking cheap shots at the Mets. And if you are really are a Mets fan, you know as well as I do that Mets fans can be jerks.)

"I don't care if she is your grand daughter or how beautiful she is. No ID no beer." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry. I plan to shield her from bad things like things like tattoos, gross piecings and the L.A. Clippers.)

Yes, Nova is a beautiful name. Now, take her someplace classy.--al lelujah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She's already been someplace classy: in her grandmother's arms. This a child who will know love, of that I can assure you.)

"She's very cute, adorable actually. Why won't you let me leave a comment?"
--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For the same reason I wouldn't use our good china if we were having a biker gang over for dinner and shots of whiskey. As I said I am going to protect this kid, teach her stuff and bask in her warming glow. That's the plan, anyway.)

"Uhm, pal, you might want to think twice before you go home with that ballerina from Hollywood Blvd." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be a reference to a small army of trannies my wife and I ran into just before Christmas. If it's not, don't think twice, it's alright.)

"Contest 273...Contest 274. In this work-a-day world, does it really matter?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Note to Kathy: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP! At least you didn't use and bold face type or link to some obscure web site. I really can't stand it when you do that.)

["The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #274 (Happy now, Kathy?)"I takes a big man, al in la, to admit a small mistake. And they don't come any bigger than, al...in la.] --Happy Now, Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Is that a fat joke? It better not be. Also, if history has taught us anything, it's that correcting a mistake is not the same thing as admitting that a mistake has been made.)

Her name is "Kathy H". The "H" stands for "Pedantic". --JohnnyB (This one doesn't count) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I knew it's didn't stand for hilarious or hip. And yes Johnny it counts--it is, after all, the best cap you have submitted in weeks.)

I said "ball breaker", not "nut cracker". --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First off, the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. Second, and far more important, this cap makes no sense at all. )



When your friend starts caring about how his light beer tastes, he can take off his tutu and I'll give him a Miller Light. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Eric watch TV. Eric make joke. Let me clue you in son: light beer [or lite beer for that matter] is to beer what Finway Park is to a real baseball stadium; what the Patriots are to the Green Way Packers [my new favorite team], and what you are to a true Anti-Capper like Johnny B. [Okay, that last one crossed the line, but I'm stilled pissed at you for taunting me about the Jets--my old favorite team.])

I'm sorry. I clearly struck a nerve. If it's any consolation, I'm still haunted by Mookie Wilson and another two feet of snow are headed for Boston. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually it was Calvin Schiraldi's bad pitching and Bill Buckner's bad fielding that cost the Sox the '86 series. But maybe you're "haunted" by Mookie because you think he is a spook? Admit it Eric you are a Red Sox fan. Something to think about while you are out there shoveling snow.)
ONE MINUTE LATER

Don't get yer undies in a bundle. Around here, short and dumb folks can amount to great things. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That is simply not true--and you know it.)

I'm sorry, Eric. Tell Mr. Brady we don't have any openings.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I an fine with the imagery but there is a problem. In Eric's late night fantasies Brady is not a quarterback, he's a pitcher--if you get my drift. And speaking of drifts, isn't it time for Eric to get out there and do some more shoveling? I am going to ride my bike, then sit outside and have a beer. Why? Because it's 70 degrees and sunny here in L.A. Which is where I have lived now for 10 years and why I remain al in la.)





123 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anonymouse said...

"I'll serve you, but your friend is tu-tu much."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Contest 273...Contest 274. In this work-a-day world, does it really matter?"

Anonymous said...

Tim said...

"O.K. So it's a Grey Goose for you. Now, what'll your Black Swan have?"

JohnnyB said...

For the THIRD time, no positions are available.

JohnnyB said...

I said "ball breaker", not "nut cracker".

JohnnyB said...

The arabesques here are obscene!

Glenn said...

"Sorry mister. Haven't seen your Elizabethan collar."

Glenn said...

"Are you sure you don't want to turn around before you open that raincoat, bud?"

Kathy H said...

"For the last time, what you're lookin' for is spelled B-A-R-R-E."

T.T. Kickturn said...

Sure you can hit that, but you'll have to plie' her with alcohol first!

miss manners said...

"Nope, you forgot to say 'pile'."

Eric G said...

When your friend starts caring about how his light beer tastes, he can take off his tutu and I'll give him a Miller Light.

Miss manners said...

damn you uncontrollable auto-correct

Tim H said...

"I'm just sayin'. We don't get too many guys in here throwing around the phrase pas de deux."

Ditka said...

No, I haven't seen Willie Gault since we changed over to a bar. Cute kid though.

Gary P said...

"Try to stay on point. What'll you have to drink?"

Gary P said...

"Fedora store? What is this, 1952?"

Gary P said...

"Get out! I know Bishop Desmond Tutu, and he wouldn't appreciate that joke, asshole."

Anonymous said...

"The Professor and French Maid are already in the back room waiting for you" -cta

JohnnyB said...

She may be athletic, but she's not going to help the Bengals, Mr. Brown. You still suck!

JohnnyB said...

Aw, geez. All these times you come in here and complained, I thought you was saying your wife was a "bad lay". Joke's on me.

Kathy H said...

"Yes, I understand she's a '...dancer who dances dances...,' but can she sing?"

Anonymouse said...

"Look. If you want it on the rocks, there's this ginormous snowflake right outside."

Grant said...

"Think you can just dance your way in here with your apologies and good looks...Hey! Who's the girl?"

Grant said...

"Are we human or are we dancers?"

Roger Kaputnik said...

The adam's apple, it's always the giveaway.

Eric G said...

I understand she's upset we subjected her to the indignity of a police lineup, but we need to know who that long arm belongs to.

Felix said...

"She really comes to life during Hoppy Hour"

Tim H said...

"Sorry, Bud, but this the headquarters of the National Endowment for the Farts."

Anonymous said...

Last call was twenty minutes ago. Go home.

Satireguy said...

"Sorry, buddy. No pointe shoes, no tutu, no service."

Happy Now, Kathy H said...

["The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #274 (Happy now, Kathy?)"

I takes a big man, al in la, to admit a small mistake. And they don't come any bigger than, al...in la.]

Anonymouse said...

"That's right. I got two stools for you and your friend in the tulle tu-tu."

Anonymous said...

"I hate culture too, pal."

Bev

Anonymous said...

Full nudity you crazy bastard! How are you gonna pole dance like that?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

The happy hours here are obscene.

Jim Cavanaugh

Marty said...

"We're serving a fine Portman tonight. You may wanna snifter before going downtown."

Anonymous said...

Too frilly, you crazy bastard! How are you gonna lap dance in that?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Belly up to the barre.

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

Her name is "Kathy H". The "H" stands for "Pedantic".

(This one doesn't count)

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Which one of youse ordered the clean glass?"

Mr_B said...

"Get outta my bar and take Bjork with ya!"

George_B said...

"Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?"

Bernie_W said...

"Okay, you drive a hard bargain-- I'll take the cheap whiskey off your hands. . . but only if I get a 'handy' from Renee Richards over there"

Anonymous said...

Agent ... pimp ... ain't much difference.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Can you cover me for a bit? I gotta go judge last week's contest.

lateinla

Anonymous said...

"Pardon my French, but what the fuck is going on here?"

dwilk

Lo_Lita said...

"Don't come in here with your problems. I told your daughter not to play with the bar nuts."

Janet said...

WOW, when you said your wife knew only one position I really thought you were kidding!

boneguy said...

I don't care that it's a highbrow Frida Kahlo blow up doll, Diego. You're still a perv.

Man in Tights said...

"Was that pirouette? Perrier? What?

You've Got Your Nureyev said...

"She won't be putting her feet up on THIS bar, mack. And ain't no Tschaikovsky on the jukebox."

Leo Tard said...

"She's in 5th position, pal. Now's your chance."

boneguy said...

Squeezing Hosni into that tutu is rather impressive, Mrs. Mubarek.

Anonymous said...

"One scoop or two? C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!"

Rob

Anonymous said...

"What's a Moheetah?"

dwilk

LR said...

"Can I borrow your glasses? These bottles are so close I can't read the labels- and put a burqa on that thing behind you."

LR said...

"Nyet, in dis country, Black Russian who can dance actually white."

Eric G said...

I'm sorry. I clearly struck a nerve. If it's any consolation, I'm still haunted by Mookie Wilson and another two feet of snow are headed for Boston.

Eric G said...

Don't get yer undies in a bundle. Around here, short and dumb folks can amount to great things.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Eric. Tell Mr. Brady we don't have any openings.

Jim Cavanaugh

Austin in PA said...

Move, you dumb shit! I'm trying to see some cleavage!

Austin in pA said...

Frazier Crane? Doesn't ring a bell. But Sam Malone died of syphilis years ago.

Kathy H said...

"Look. I don't have any sausage links. I don't know where the nearest golf links are. And, I don't know who played Mod Squad's Linc.
Capiche?"

Anonymous said...

"That's Ditkka, with two Ks."

dwilkk

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, I’m sure she’s good, buddy, but we’re booked this season . . . we’ve already done ‘Swan Lake’, ‘Sleeping Beauty’ and ‘Nutcracker’ . . . and it’s ‘Biker Sluts Pole Frenzy’ the rest of February.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I regret to inform you, sir, but we are not 'that' kind of establishment."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Hey, buddy, da’ two a’ youse needs to know we gotta’ dress code ‘round here . . . we’re a classy joint . . . so ditch the fedora, tie and trench coat, capiche?”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Bal...lay? How do you spell that?"

Bev

Braad said...

"Great Posture but No Titties, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Tim H said...

"Yeah, I remember you from last week. But, how come she's wearing the tu-tu this time?"

O_Steve said...

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Specifically that ballerina that I raped and killed in Seattle last year. You remember, right, Phil?"

Anonymous said...

The H's here are Kathleen.

Anonymous said...

"I've found that the least talented scream the loudest, are the most abusive and the most self-assured. They've slept on my couches and puked on my rugs and drank my drinks and they have told me, continuously, of their greatness"

boneguy said...

So you're telling me that you are Javier Bardem playing Roger Ebert playing Carlos the Jackal? Go fuck yourself.

Anonymous said...

"Play a roughneck Italian bartender in a movie for $25,000!? How much time you givin' me to come up with the $25,000?"

dwilk

Steve_O said...

"I said no ballerinas! Unless she's one of those hot lesbian carpet-munching ballerinas. Then it's okay."

Anonymous said...

"Woah! Woah! Whoa! I thought youses were gonna do Flashdance."

Rob

Satireguy said...

"For the last time pal, this is a balletomane bar not a gay bar."

Anonymous said...

Table for tu?

Rocko

J_Beam said...

"Last time, dumbass, we don't serve Ballentine's."

Lorne Greene 1978 said...

Listen up Kissinger, I dont know what kind of crazy Mideast peace plan you and Golda Meir cooked up here but Battlestar Galactica was just a show and quit calling me 'the Dick of Death"!

Anonymous said...

Anonymouse said...

"Sorry, buddy, but there's no Tu-tu on 2/2 discount today."

Anonymous said...

"The ladies' room is underneath the men's room where it belongs."

Bev

Fran said...

"Ooh, ballet parking. Yer a riot, mister."

Satireguy said...

"I don't make the rules. If you want a drink, you have to assume first position."

J. Travolta said...

"No way, you're a Scientologist!? Lucky for you Tom Cruise is right behind you. He might look mad, but he's always horny."

Kathy H said...

"Alls I'm sayin' is either you're overdressed or she's underdressed."

Anonymous said...

You wanna lick 'er?

Rocko

smuck said...

"A couple of midgets? Yeah, they're over by the jukebox."

mypalmike said...

"I'm sorry, but as you can see, all we sell here are indistinct posters of unlabeled bottles."

Anonymouse said...

"No. I haven't seen mypalmike. Nope. Not since August 5, 2010."

F'Art said...

"Sorry, buddy, this is Degas Bar. D'gay bar's down the street."

Evan Kim & Bong Soo Han said...

"Stay away from her. She's the glill of my dweams."

Ghetto Hoss Cartwright said...

"I loves me the ballerinas"

TYHaB said...

"I can only pray with you that, yes, Ankles-to-earlobes is indeed a ballet position"

- Turn your head and Baryshnikov

Guess Who? said...

"Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint 'atmosphere.'...Now tell your friend Eric G. over there--the one wearing a tu-tu and pining for his boy friend Tom Brady--that we don't allow no stinkin' Patriot fans in here either!!"

Anonymous said...

"How'd you like a knuckle sandwich, pal?"

somebody had to say it

Anonymous said...

"rrrrrROUGH!...rrrrrROUGH! ROUGH!!!...rrrrrrrrrr."

dwilk

B_Keith said...

"No, I don't know what happened to Cissy, Jody, or Buffy. And I don't care if that is Mr. French's daughter. Get the hell outta my bar!"

B-Kieth's degenerate friend said...

Had a thing for Mrs Beasley though

Oblig Dyl Ref said...

"Yous two look like the ballet of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest".

All The Best Wishes To Grandpa Al in LA said...

[This is the bestest of moments! Congrats to all!

But, you are going to have to decide: Will she grow up to "like baseball" or to "be a Mets fan." Tough choice. (I know; I'm a Mets fan.)]

Anonymous said...

“Every week it’s the same old ‘Bolshoi’ with you. Now, get outta’ here before I call the bouncer.”


---blw

boneguy said...

You want a white Russian? Here's Baryshnikov's number.

The Egyptologist said...

"Look, Hosni, you and your friend don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

Anonymous said...

"I don't care if she is your grand daughter or how beautiful she is. No ID no beer."

Angela Martin said...

Is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's piss on him.

Steve_O said...

"Say, we don't get many ballerinas here." "And at these prices, you won't get many more."

Anonymous said...

"Turn around and see the frown while she's doin' tricks for you."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Yes, Nova is a beautiful name. Now, take her someplace classy.

al lelujah

Steve_O said...

"Sorry- bathrooms are for customers only."

Richard H said...

"Nouriel Roubini told me you might be stopping by."

Richard H said...

"Nassim Taleb told me you might best stopping by."

(works even better with actual Black Swan author)

Anonymous said...

"She's very cute, adorable actually. Why won't you let me leave a comment?"

cta said...

"Look, pal, you want to go to her room upstairs, that's your business. Just know that we call it 'The Nutcracker Suite'"

Anonymous said...

"Practice. Practice. Practice."

trunc8

Anonymous said...

The en dehors here are obscene.

grandpasoontoo

Oscar Nunez said...

Listen, you've gotta believe me! These SABRE-brand ballet instruction DVDs are no good!

EKG said...

"I once picked up a barre belle, and it gave me a hernia."

Let's Par-tee said...

"No, buddy, you got that wrong. The Superb Sunday party is at the al in la's household."

cta said...

"Uhm, pal, you might want to think twice before you go home with that ballerina from Hollywood Blvd."

Oops Dareitizz said...

No I've never heard of an'Adam's Apple-tini'?

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.