Monday, January 10, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #271

Note: The Jets' win on Sunday over the Patriots was a big thrill for me. That, and the fact that it was sunny and 80 degrees here in L.A. After the game I rode my bike. Before I headed west, I remember being holed up in my apartment in New York on days like this. Typically, my winter-time teams (Rangers and Jets specifically) would lose and it was too cold to even take out the garbage. Here, things are very different. Not always good-different but today it was.

The cartoon appears to feature God handing Moses the Ten Commandments while wearing a disguise. This triggered a bevy of Anti-Caps and one of the best assortments we have seen all year. Admittedly the year is still a baby, but this cartoon gave anti-cappers a lot to work with. Congratulations to all the winners especially the Jets. Just in: The overnight anchor guy on MSNBC just said: "Tom Brady, impossibly handsome as he might be, could not figure out the Jets." I just found that funny, that's all.

Here are this week's winners written while watching about seven hours of football and some completely pointless gabfest called The Golden Globe Awards. Leave a comment to register your admiration, disdain or indifference.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
O Lord, I am not mirthy.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim C. scores with a pretty good pun that actually fits the cartoon and would not gain traction in the real competition. In other words: it has all the elements. I had considered the Anti-Cap: "More vaudeville then vengeful, if you ask me." but this is more concise and witty. "Mirthy," of course, is not a real word, but this is not a real contest.)

SECOND PLACE
"Let me get this straight, Lord. Take the Jets and the points?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may have won if K.H. had the cojones to pick the Jets outright. [They were 8-point dogs.] Their victory today over the Pats was the best sports buzz I've had since the Mets shut out the Phillies three games in a row. Best part: as a long-time fan I feared they would get their butt kicked. As the saying goes, New York sports fans don't root, they plead.)

THIRD PLACE
"So, you ARE Jewish." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you want to make the case that many Jewish people have big noses distinctive facial features, there would be no need for a fake nose. Also they told us in Catholic school that Christ was Jewish but spun off a new religion and named it after himself. )



HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Gai kakhen afenyam, dude!" --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oy! We so seldom get Anti-Caps in Yiddish. This is obscure, confusing and not really funny, but still slightly impressive. Depending on who you ask, this translates to either "go jump in a lake," "go shit in the ocean" or--my personal favorite--"go whistle in the ocean.")

Here's 11 through 20. thanks for waiting. I know, half a grade down for being two millennia late --wholly Moses (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If there is another 10, here's what I say should be forbidden:

The designated hitter
Numbers used for words (i.e. "4 words")
Bud Light
"Wheel Of Fortune"
Indoor football
That Geico commercial with the squeaking little piggy
Really, really long books
Page Six
Pierced anything but ears
Hollywood award shows that Mrs. al in la insists on watching instead of ESPN after a Jets' playoff win)


"This shit isn't etched in stone, right Godcho?"--PB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We had God references and several Groucho references, but this was the only hybrid. As it happens, the 10 commandments have been watered down. No. 10, for example, says you may not covet your neighbor's "manservant, maidservant, ox or donkey." We seldom hear that part.)

"Number 8 doesn't apply to Berle."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We can always count on dwilk to favor cryptic over funny. Uncle Miltie is rumored to have appropriated much of his material from other comics. But people looked the other way because he had a big dick was beloved. Nothing funny here but, yes, I got it. )

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A line from a Marx Bros movie. Groucho is right up there with Bob Dylan, Tom Seaver and my brother Bill on my list of personal heros.)

"You want me to deliver your Manifesto to your chosen people? Are you sure they're ready for Marxism?" --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A good little crossover cap, but Marxism is to religion what KY Jelly is to abstinence. In one political science class I had, the professor threatened to fail the next smartass to make a Groucho pun when Karl Marx was discussed. That's how frequently it happened.)

“Nine dollars and forty cents??? This is an outrage. If I were you, I wouldn’t pay it.”---Otis B. Driftwood (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From a "A Night at the Opera." Not their best work. Certainly not out best cap.)

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. --Eric G under the guise of Groucho God (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Since there is two of them, don't you mean, "guys?" And besides, you show up here week after week, don't you Eric?)

"I know your not him. He had a painted-on mustache. And where the fuck is your cigar?"--Julius (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Saying "your" when you mean "you're" is a common mistake here, but Groucho was born Julius Henry Marx so there's that.)

"Well, if I accepted that -- in a court of law they could prove that I have knowledge of his whereabouts. Now you just be patient, God -- we'll get in touch with you, alright."--Tom Hagen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A paraphrase from The Godfather. Michael is in Italy and Kay is trying to contact him. Tom can't help her. Kind of works.)

“Everything I did was covered by accountants and lawyers who told me what I had to do to stay within the law.”--T.D. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is an exact quote from convicted felon Tom Delay after he was finally found guilty of money laundering. It is also what he will likely say when he meets his maker. The judge didn't buy it and, I believe, neither will God. The only thing worse than a scumbag is a scumbag who has no idea he is a scumbag.)

"Julia Sweeney told me to tell you that she's going to sue your ass." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy linked to some play I never heard of. Sort of funny, but linking off-site to get a laugh cheapens the joke--if that is possible in this venue.)

"Take my commandments.....please!" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slightly smile inducing. Henny Youngman probably made his take-my-wife-joke 10,000 times. but I don't think he is a good role model for us here. I like to think we're more high brow. I like to think that anyway.)

"Hey! You! Get off of my cloud."--Carlisle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny but this, I believe, is our first ever Rolling Stones reference.)

"Hey! Hey! You! You! Get off of my shroud!" --dick_jaggerstein (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Much better than the previous cap. The idea here is to be funny not to regurgitate a line from a lyric that's like 40 years old.)

Here you are, Mr. Lennon. Read a book of Marx.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don Mclean's classic "American Pie" was the first single I ever bought. For all these years, I thought the song said "book ON Marx." I Googled it, and the Rock's story checks out. Thanks for straightening me out on this.)

"Tell me if any of these are funny."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This asserts that the guy in the cloud who we assume to be God, is the one doing the talking. Look close. He is not. I can identify with this question because it sums up my judging role. And, yes, the answer is usually "No!")

"And, on the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November, God dangled his chad."--Your point Being? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to Chad and Jeremy election results. The signature sums up my reaction. )

Fenneman, you crazy bastard! How are you?--R.E. Membering (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have no idea what Fenneman refers to, but I like to keep the classics alive. It is also nice to see this one without the gratuitous "hell" that everyone sticks into the second part. UPDATE: Turns out this references George Fenneman who was Groucho's sidekick on the game show "You Bet Your Life." To sort of redeem my self, I do know a famous anecdote about the show. Asked why she had multiple children [like 10 I think], a woman contestant said " Well, I love my husband." Groucho quipped: "Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while." )

"False deity, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--JG Frazer (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I won't mock Him or call Him names. You really want to keep him happy. That's my take.)

"Christ, what an...assiduous supreme being you are." (nervous laughter) --Rex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic. This one suggests that no one, not even an anti-capper, is ready to call God an asshole. You got to like that kind of respect. )

Moses speaking into his Bluetooth: "Hello ACLU? I'm being harassed by a religious fanatic." NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Way back in the Daniel days of this contest, there was a cartoon that had Adam and Eve fleeing the Garden of Eden. There was a huge finger in the sky pointing the way out as if to suggest they were being evicted by God himself. The winning cap that week was "Hello ACLU? We're being harassed by a religious fanatic!" It was submitted by a young wide eyed rookie who went by the name al in la. So this is like Great Moments in Anti Cap History--if you're me, I mean. )

"Wuh d-ya mean 25 words or less?"--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This proves that even if this very reasonable guideline came from the top, people would still question it. Interesting to note that Bev also submitted a cap that had God scratching His balls. She may one day regret this. )

Cut it down to your best five and re-submit it or I'll delete some of them myself.--R.B. Trary (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is either very flattering or a brazen attempt to mock me. Once again the five-caps-a-person rule is beyond reasonable.)

"You want me to give this dictionary to alinla and not say it's from you?"--pretentious_prick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I already have one and even without it I know what "pretentious" means [I live in L.A. fer Christ's sake] and I certainly know what "prick" means. [Did I mention where I live?] I understand that the occasional type-o slips in. That just keeps it reel--I mean real.)

That's OK, I have it on Kindle. -Jeff Bozos (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is, at best, Family Circus Funny, but it makes a statement about modern technology. Very cute. Maybe little Jeffy wrote it.)

Is there an app for this? --Hy Fy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Similar and not any funnier...but shorter. Hy Fy also sounds like a Japanese thing.)

And for you Aaron, my no-fail ten step latke recipe.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good one boneguy. Reminds me of a cartoon that had two guys drinking in a dive bar. One is saying something like "No, no. I'm Sidney. Sidney Christ. You're thinking of my brother Jesus. Happens all the time." I am paraphrasing, of course but it was funny. )

“Where do you want this killin’ done?” --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Man you must be putting me on." This is our requisite Dylan reference. Thanks Tim. What you lack in creativity you make up in loyalty. Could have signed it "Abe" but then we won't know who to thank.)

And how the hell am I supposed to get these lyrics to some guy named Zimmerman who won't be born for another 5000 years? --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few years ago, during his completely forgettable 60 Minutes interview with the late Ed Bradley, Dylan hinted that his lyrics where a gift from above. I don't know if this is a reference to that, but I do not believe the guy would say "hell." Not to God anyway. )

The al in la Ten Commandments
1. You shall have no other gods before me.
Flattering but ridiculous. I don't believe that judging this silly little contest makes me a god (even one with a lower case "g." ) And I don't believe any one else believes it either.

2. You shall write captions only while idle.
That's silly. This contest is open to anyone, not just Eric Idle and his immediate family.

3. Do not take the name of al in la in vain just because you only made honorable mention.
Taking my pseudonym in vain is as much a part of this thing as Kathy H's links, and JohnnyB's baseball cap.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, and that the winners will be picked within 48 to 72 hours.
Granted the results have been a bit sluggish at times, but they are usually delivered all cleaned and pressed by Monday morning so this one is totally bogus.

5. Honor your father and mother by writing captions funnier than JohnnyB's.

How does doing something that is as easy as eating Jello with a big spoon honor your parents?


6. You shall not murder the English language.
That is like telling a baby not to poop it's pants. Ain't gonna happen.

7. You shall not commit adultery or act like an adult at any time.
I agree with the first part (and not just because my wife will read this) but not the second.

8. You shall not steal thy neighbor's caption.
That would be petty larceny at best, so why make an issue of it? And as Woody Guthrie once sang: "Some will rob with a six gun, some with a fountain pen."

9. & 10.You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor while fucking your neighbor's wife. Our closest neighbor is an elderly Jewish women who lives alone. It seems unlikely that she will marry a lesbian who'd also have sex with me. It is even less likely that Mrs. al in la will sign off on this arrangement. Nice try, though.

JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is very impressive that someone would take the time to concoct this. As you can see, I have a few issues with it. Also, are these rules for me to live by? Or are they rules that I demand others follow? There is no way of knowing. I appreciate the interst but let's sign them and keep them under 25 words--okay?)
.

.

130 comments:

NAMBY said...

"Commit the secret sin and win $100."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

Anonymous said...

Anonymouse said...

Man thinking...

"Holy Groucho!!"

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Here. Take these tablets and call me in the morning."

Anonymous said...

"These are my commandments. And if you don't like them, I have others."

BYOB/GYN

Anonymous said...

"Tell me if any of these are funny."

Dan

Anonymous said...

"Wuh d-ya mean 25 words or less?"

Bev

Anonymous said...

"Hold these a sec, I've got to scratch my balls."

Bev

Anonymous said...

"Lord? Please give the other Anti-Cappers the wisdom to see that it is I who is speaking in his cartoon, not you."

Anonymous said...

"Letterman's a fag."

spot

Jeff Bozos said...

That's OK, I have it on Kindle.

Jess said...

"They're never going to buy 'high level source.' They're going to know this came from you."

Hy Fy said...

Is there an app for this?

Panel Over Observer said...

Hey look! That lawyer just jumped out of an airplane.

Anonymous said...

"Hey! You! Get off of my cloud."

Carlisle

Bay Watcher said...

This would be funnier if I was in a lifeguard chair. Trust me, you're not the God of comedy.

Manny said...

Lost early short by Woody Allen and Mel Brooks. You can see the early influences at work.

Eric G said...

I present to you these commandments in a form you can comprehend. What? Too Jewish?

Eric G said...

Hang on to these, will ya? The seraphim are bogarting my weed.

wholly Moses said...

Here's 11 through 20. thanks for waiting.I know, half a grade down for being two millennia late

Anonymous said...

"Number 8 doesn't apply to Berle."

dwilk

Damon said...

"Hold this for me, man - I've got two priors!"

Satireguy said...

"Take my commandments.....please!"

boneguy said...

Could you speed it up? My wife called and said her bush is burning.

Eric G under the guise of Groucho God said...

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

boneguy said...

I don't care if know the pope, there's no getting around breaking in at open mike night.

Kathy H said...

"Let me get this straight, Lord. Take the Jets and the points?"

Anonymouse said...

"You say this is the winning Mega Millions lotto ticket and that you bought it in Post Falls, Idaho?"

JohnnyB said...

Women don't like a god with a sense of humor? That explains why I get laid only once every 5,000 years.

JohnnyB said...

I'm working on a follow up where, if you don't follow these commandments, you can just say "sorry" and it will all be jake."

JohnnyB said...

JK

JohnnyB said...

...given this violent political rhetoric, people will start seeking second commandment solutions, like wearing images of my nose, glasses and facial hair, to lighten things up.

Anonymous said...

Christ, what a vast scroll.

Zeppo

Anonymous said...

"You want me to deliver your Manifesto to your chosen people? Are you sure they're ready for Marxism?" -cta

The Big G said...

"Mulligan!"

Anonymous said...

"When you said that under those glasses and fake nose you had some chiseled features... Well, I thought you meant something else." -cta

Not God said...

"A friend of my sister's friend's dad wrote these while doing bong hits and X, and I was told to give them to you. OK, cool."

boneguy said...

And for you Aaron, my no-fail ten step latke recipe.

Your point Being? said...

"And, on the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November, God dangled his chad."

Satireguy said...

"It's a little something I've been working on for, well, forever. I'd appreciate it if you could give it a read."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry, I take my orders from Harpo."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"So, you ARE Jewish."

Utellme said...

"Your mother's up here with us, posing for Animal Crackers."

Tom Hagen said...

"Well, if I accepted that -- in a court of law they could prove that I have knowledge of your whereabouts. Now you just be patient, God -- we'll get in touch with you, alright."

Anonymous said...

“Forty years out here in this hellhole and you have the audacity to hand me a bill???”


---blw

Hur Majesty said...

"Take 'em, but don't break 'em. Hurry up, I go on in 5 minutes."

Anonymous said...

“Nine dollars and forty cents??? This is an outrage. If I were you, I wouldn’t pay it.”



---Otis B. Driftwood

Tim H said...

“Where do you want this killin’ done?”

"X" Marx the Spot said...

"Whaddayu' mean you don't read Yiddish?"

Rex said...

"How do I know you're really God?"

Dr Sumguy said...

I'll take X. Kamah zeh oleh?

St. Murtaugh said...

"Tell God to lose the Beagle Puss or we'll never get into the Gibson party."

Julius said...

"I know your not him. He had a painted-on mustache. And where the fuck is your cigar?"

Anonymous said...

"Now wander around in the desert for forty years looking for the promised land. Its got milk, its got honey, and here's the really funny part -- not a drop of freakin' oil."

-- Dex

Austin in PA said...

Three boxes of Thin Mints.

dick_jaggerstein said...

"Hey! Hey! You! You! Get off of my shroud!"

pretentious_prick said...

"You want me to give this dictionary to alinla and not say it's from you?"

Anonymous said...

"They'd be easier to swallow in capsule form."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"YOU give them the stinking commandments. They're pissed enough at me as is."

Bev

T.D. said...

“Everything I did was covered by accountants and lawyers who told me what I had to do to stay within the law.”

Moses said...

"Have you thought about getting contacts?"

David Macharelli said...

"I appreciate the effort of your attempt at disguise, but as you're the only one who goes around handing out tablets of Commandments from a cloud..."

Kathy H said...

"Julia Sweeney told me to tell you that she's going to sue your ass."

Satireguy said...

God's goofy brother Doug presents his own ten silly commandments.

Lawrence Wood said...

"And if your people don't follow these commandments, I'll start creating Jews in my image."

Tim H said...

"Sheesh. Can't you just issue a regular Winter Weather Advisory?"

Anonymous said...

“OK, I’ll read the script, but it better be funnier than ‘Love Happy’.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"You have no idea how difficult it is for me to ask directions."


---blw

Anonymous said...

Fenneman, you crazy bastard! How are you?

R.E. Membering

Austin in PA said...

The World's First Porn.

Anonymous said...

Nice nose. You Jewish, too?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Grouchostinko handing off to Moses Alone for no apparent gain.

Dan

JG Frazer said...

"False deity, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

Anonymous said...

"What's this? David M.'s apple pie recipe?"

Anonymous said...

"This shit isn't etched in stone, right Godcho?"

PB

Anonymous said...

“I know I’ve been lost for forty years, but do you think this GPS---Groucho Positioning System---is what I really need???”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I'll start with the circumcisions wrapped in bacon followed by the pork tenderloin and a nice Manischewitz just for laughs."

Bev

Anonymous said...

"Ohhh, we're in a witness protection program. So now we have the Ten Amendments."

Rob

Sus Dios said...

"Si, me llamo Moises. Es eso mi tarjeta verde? Supe que fue Mexicano."

Anonymous said...

"The secret word is Decalogue" - ECB

Anonymous said...

"OK, I took out the do not covet your neighbor's wife part. It was redundant with No. 7." - ECB

Anonymous said...

Here you are, Mr. Lennon. Read a book of Marx.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Verily, Mr. wiseguy, it is etched in stone. The Jets hath smitten the Colts.

Rocko

Utellme said...

"Gee, God, turning my staff into a snake went beautifully, but. . . sawing a woman in half?"

Yes We Canaan said...

"Hey, mind your mannas."

Utellme said...

"Why'd you smash the first two? Whatever. After a day at the races and a night at the opera I'm too tired to smack you."

I, Negress said...

"So you went and married an Ethiopian? Well, once you go black . . . "

Jess said...

"We know it's you Al and let me guess, you added a bunch of snotty comments."

Anonymous said...

"They say 12 to 18 inches. Is that true?"

Dan

Anonymous said...

The al in la Ten Commandments

1. You shall have no other gods before me.
2. You shall write captions only while idle.
3. Do not take the name of al in la in vain just because you only made honorable mention.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, and that the winners will be picked within 48 to 72 hours.
5. Honor your father and mother by writing captions funnier than JohnnyB's.
6. You shall not murder the English language.
7. You shall not commit adultery or act like an adult at any time.
8. You shall not steal thy neighbor's caption.
9. & 10.You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor while fucking your neighbor's wife.

G flat said...

"Sorry about the disguise. I'm just so embarrassed that a group proclaiming to be my followers would ever even consider protesting at a murdered 9-year-old's funeral."

Richard H said...

"Thou shalt not point that beard at me, it might go off."

stcoleridge said...

"OK, we'll try to do what you say, but only if you promise to give up smoking".

stcoleridge said...

"OK, we'll try to do what you say, but only if you promise to give up smoking".

boneguy said...

And how the hell am I supposed to get these lyrics to some guy named Zimmerman who won't be born for another 5000 years?

Tim H said...

Man thinking...
"God, I hate Top Ten lists."

Anonymous said...

"Love the Stones."

PB

Utellme said...

"I've not eaten so much as a grain of sand in 40 days. Tell me that's a menu."

Satireguy said...

And these are my ten silly commandments. Take them and then pull my finger.

Utellme said...

"It's all becoming crystal clear; you're trying to make a prophet!"

Grant said...

"Quick. Take these. I've got to get back to this costume party. I'm so close banging these two girls from North Hollywood."

Grant said...

"Printer ran out of ink, so I had to jot them down old school. You know like, Hammurabi and Menes."

Grant said...

"If they don't listen, just wander around the desert for forty years and await further instructions."

Grant said...

"Don't worry. Even if you lose this, whatever you tell them will end up on courthouse walls in four thousand years."

Anonymous said...

"Thou shall get no satisfaction?"

Avery

smuck said...

"Look, hallucinations of deities are always a little weird. Just stick with the story about the tablets, and skip the fake schnozz part."

Gary P said...

"Gai kakhen afenyam, dude!"

jim M said...

"That's not a duck."

Moses wears Prada said...

"I 'look ridiculous?' Tell you what -- shave, get a haircut, change out of your dress, and then get back to me on that one."

Anonymous said...

Cut it down to your best five and re-submit it or I'll delete some of them myself.

R.B. Trary

Anonymous said...

Who died for our sins and left you in charge?

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"Sorry but you'll have to submit it through an agent."

The Rainmakers said...

A womp bop a lu bop a lop bam boom?

Rex said...

"Christ, what an...assiduous supreme being you are." (nervous laughter)

Wang said...

"You take-a one from corum A and one from corum B."

J Chlist said...

"You got flies on Hory Glail"

GLF7 said...

"Wrong!!! This is a Beagle Puss; your wife has the 'fuzzy' puss."

Anonymous said...

"What are you, a comedian?"

Rob

joyro said...

"The burning bush was a better disguise."

Anonymous said...

O Lord, I am not mirthy.

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

Moses reluctantly accepts David Letterman's latest Top Ten List.

Anonymous said...

The gospel according to Marx.

Jim Cavanaugh

LR said...

"Here's your password for parting the Red Sea- please keep it in a safe place."

LR said...

"This is a citation from the fashion police- the horizontal stripes aren't working."

"In a few thousand years, these are the European 'camps' you people should be avoiding."

Bronco Suck II said...

I know this cartoon is crap but I have to hedge my bets til I get fired from the Redskins

NAMBY said...

Moses speaking into his Bluetooth: "Hello ACLU? I'm being harassed by a religious fanatic."

Richard H said...

"I was hoping you could help me find an agent."

Double Rainbow Dude said...

For this I upped my dose after the double rainbow?

Anonymous said...

Fenneman - A cultural reference that slipped by you, al. Guess you are too young to remember. George Fenneman was the announcer on You Bet Your Life and the perfect straight man to Groucho.

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