Monday, January 3, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #270



Note: With few exceptions, you get the sense that New Yorker cartoonists are embittered bohemians who stew in their own bitterness. They scrap by on the hope that their ironic doodling will one day curry the favor of some Chardonnay drinking dandy who spends more on dry cleaning than they do on food. Pain and wit are the twin engines that propel them forward. Understandably, these artsy guys loath guys in suits because they run the world and are probably up to no good. This enduring sentiment is reflected in the cartoons we see in this contest.

N
ot long ago we had a cartoon where a business guy wandered lost on the beach, inviting riduicule. Now we have this poor sap descending rapidly in a parachute as his glasses and papers fly away. He appears to be talking on his cel phone and typing away on his laptop. Maybe it's a statement on the business man's basic instinct to immediately complain when things go wrong. Or maybe Mr. Yuppie Scum figures he can make a few calls and this will all go away. Better still, it could be a metaphor for the plummeting fortunes of the middle class males. Or maybe just another cartoon that favors disdain over logic. We've all been there.

WINNERS
.
First Place
Fred is unable to fully express the urgency of the situation as his new Google Chrome laptop has no caps lock key. --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A rare narrative cap that is slightly cryptic and very sharp. You see, Fred's life is ruled by technology. With no uppercase letters he can't say HOLY SHIT!! I never heard of the laptop mentioned, but I Googled it and YES! it's real. [I cannot verify that it lacks a cap lock key, but why would S.G. make that kind of thing up?] This really stood out. After checking the teeth and balls, I gave it best in show. )
.
Second Place
Hello. Cheapfares.com? What the fuck?--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is always an assumption that low prices come with hidden costs. From this we can only assume the discount price did not include a traditional runway type landing. Jetblue, for example, parks about a mile from the terminal at JFK and puts the passengers on a bus. This reminded me of that.)
.
Third Place

Dude, internet porn and sky diving is the ultimate.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A banner week for Rocko as he takes both the Silver and Bronze metals. [Always the bridesmaid] There are those whose lust for stimulus exceeds the bounds of logic and good taste. If he is a true hedonist, he'll be touching down into a limo through the sun roof where he'd find a cold Heineken and he could watch the Jets beat the Colts. Of course, I may be projecting.)
.
Honorable Mentions
"Parachute? I thought you said I'd be getting a golden shower."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT So he would rather be pissed on than receive a cushy severance package. From this we deduce that some fetishes are more hardcore than others.)

Oh, shit! I'm about to land in Arizona and I just lost my papers. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, you may be shot by some deranged moron.)

"Hello, Geronimo Development Corporation? I'd like to negotiate a one-time limited license to use a portion of your name. ... No, shouted in mid-air. ... Sure, I'll hold." --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: People jumping from a high place traditionally yell "Geronimo!" This suggests that those wishing to do so must first secure the rights. Or maybe this suit and tie guy simply believes this. A very savvy comment.)

I'm about to find out which is the bigger thrill - sky diving or having a pair of double d's in your lap.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT Yes, it looks like the guy's forward momentum will send him crashing into the cartoonist's initials, which are in fact D.D. The pun here also celebrates large breasts. So this is absurd, sexist and childish. Take the rest of the day off, Jim. You've earned it.)

"I don'
t mind losing these papers, but that Dd I really need!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This also focuses on the initials in the lower right corner of the cartoon. Kathy--or "Katie-Boldface" as we call her around here--didn't match the creative flourish demonstrated by Jim in the above cap. But this also has the surreal thing we like so much here. Cheer up Kathy. You are as much a part of the contest as bad taste and awful puns)

"Oops, dropped my amicus curiae brief." --pretentious_prick
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: As I'm sure you all know, this means "friend of the court brief." The signature reminds us why they call it that.)

"Honey, it's working! Focused sun rays passing through the makeshift parabolic lens are shrinking the unsightly cyst on my back. And, I'm still billable!" --Sunny Boner
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is pretty imaginative. It's not a parachute. It's some new fangled medical device that's treating a skin problem. The patient's productivity has not been compromised by the procedure. I had to read it a few times before I got it. Nice work, Sun.)


“Honey, please don’
t buy Airborne Deluxe ™ again. My cold is gone, but I’m going to be late for work.” --al Choo! (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is strange but it refers to effervesant tablets that create a magic shield between you and coughing wheezing people. It is promoted by reminding people that airplanes are incubators for disease. So from this we assume the deluxe version ejects you from the aircraft when someone sneezes. Extra credit for the trademark designation.)

"Dammit Genie, sky and muff sound nothing alike." --Edwin Muffski. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But you can't deny there are similarites. Major Nelson once again rears his head and it looks like Genie screwed up another wish. But if Tony had any technique, he's be granting, not wishing .)

"Hey! Have I gone back in time? And is that
Game Six of the 1986 World Series?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As always, thanks for the hot link, Kathy. Without a lick of research, I know this refers to some guy who dropped down on to the field of Shea Stadium during the '86 Series. He had a "Go Mets" banner and everybody cheered. The guy went to jail over this stunt rather than give up the pilot who would have lost his license if nabbed. Unlike Bill Buckner, though, he was released from prison and allowed to get on with his life.)

Yes Kathy H. you did but it's round 7 of the Bowe\Holyfield fight at Caesars Palace! --Evander Saywhat (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The bout was staged outdoors and some poor bastard tried a similar stunt. The spectators did not cheer. They beat the living shit out of him. The moral: Never land feet first on top of boxing fans even if it is totally unintentional.)

"I know, I'm running late. Let me get rid of this stupid parachute."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is ever so slightly funny because it pokes fun at short sighted people. I remember once driving like a maniac through a snow storm to get to Newark Airport only to find my flight was delayed by the foul whether. [Yeah, I know, duh.] I spend like four hours drinking in the airport bar before I finally got out. Serves me right.)

"Let me clarify. When you're on the clock, there is no "free fall." --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A free fall is what happens before the chute is deployed. This unmasks the brutality of capitalism and the banality of Eric's humor.)

Rocky:
"'What's the truth, dammit?!' I sharted. Alright? You wanna hear me say it? You wanna bring me down? I sharted. For the first time in my life, I sharted.
Adrian: 'I sharted, too. There's nothin' wrong with that. I live with a sharter; my sharter.' --Rocky Landing III (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well thought out but way too gross and smelly esoteric. This is a long way to go for a soiled undies joke. If you don't get this you are a better person for it.)

“Oo-wee, you ride me high,
Tomorrow’s the day my bride’s gonna’ come;
Oh-ho, are we gonna’ fly
Down to the . . . uhhh . . . harsh reality of the unyielding earth.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Dylan's "You Ain't Goin' Nowhere' which is on the double album The Basement Tapes. It was recorded in a house in upstate NY dubbed Big Pink. I don't like the song and think the album is overrated but this is the kind of info I know off the top of my head.)

I get hard every time I jump. I call it "chute willie," you crazy bastard! How hard are YOU--Knucklehead (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a week when we got scant few classic caps, this will have to do. Thanks, I suppose.)

Ranger school or Harvard MBA? I'm having a hard time deciding.
(One hour and 57 minutes later:)
Ranger school or Harvard MBA? I'm having a hard time deciding, so I thought to give both a whirl.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT : The first cap was entered by boneguy on Jan. 4 at 5:10 pm. Evidently he sat gazing at it for nearly two hours before he decided to add eight more words in a desperate bid to "make it better." This is what happens with complusive Anti-Cappers. There is always one more pun, one more crazy bastard, one more laugh at someone else's expense. I am sure he believes he could stop any time.)

"I should be landing at Baker Street. You'll see clowns to the left of me, and jokers to the right. Thanks for the call, Gerry." --Damon. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tribute cap to a gifted musician and writer who passed away last week. "Stuck in the Middle With You" could be our national anthem, if you ask me.)

And one more thing. My client would like his caption credit for #269 in boldface with the immediate removal of any reference to one Tim H. Oh shit, they dropped me over Lake Michigan again. --boneguy

[I, Tim H, concur with Mr. boneguy's request for the "immediate removal of any reference to" myself in boldface -- mentioned honorably -- in Contest #269. My amicus curiae brief, in fact, has been filed at the end of Contest #269 and even precedes Mr. boneguy's request by an hour. Thank you.]--Tim

Thank you Tim H, kind sir. I will call off my mouthpiece. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Newspaper editors are fond of saying it's only a mistake if somebody notices. I apparently screwed up someone's signature. This reminds us that this contest is very, very important to people who I have never met. Noted.)

al was gettin' cranky so I bailed out. You guys comin with me? ... (silence) ... Guys? ... (more silence) ... Anybody??--J.D. or not J.D.
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: The existence of standards is often misinterpreted as evidence of crankiness. I also have a ton of time on my hands and grew up reading National Lampoon. That's why the Anti-Cap war was over before it began.)

114 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anonymouse said...

"Chute!!"

JohnnyB said...

Mr. Jenkins? This is Josh ... the paralegal....

JohnnyB said...

This wasn't the kind of government bailout I was looking for

Glenn said...

"Wait a sec, I misplaced my glasses."

Glenn said...

"Parachute? I thought you said I'd be getting a golden shower."

Young James B. said...

No Mom, All the ad said was 'exciting
Odd Jobs' I thought I'd get a cool hat or something but now they just expect me to die.Gotta go Luv ya!

JohnnyB said...

Look, all I know is somebody moved my cheese and I'm pissed. What does it matter what color my parachute is?

JohnnyB said...

Oh, shit! i'm about to lands in Arizona and I just lost my papers.

Satireguy said...

D. B. Cooper, Jr. tries unsuccessfully to emulate his famous father.

Satireguy said...

"Business class, my ass!"

Kathy H said...

"I don't mind losing these papers, but that Dd I really need!"

Nat Nobob said...

I'm not sure let me ask Bob. He's right here......Bob?!

 Konrad said...

To: julian@wikileaks.org
Re: Anti-Cap Contest
At great risk to life and limb, I have obtained proof that alinla is the worst judge ever. Oh shit, never mind.
BTW, how's tricks?

Sunny Boner said...

"Honey, it's working! Focussed sun rays passing through the makeshift parabolic lens are shrinking the unsightly cyst on my back. And, I'm still billable!"

Anonymous said...

"Nah, not really working. I'm at some dive."

boneguy said...

And one more thing. My client would like his caption credit for #269 in boldface with the immediate removal of any reference to one Tim H. Oh shit, the dropped me over Lake Michigan again.

boneguy said...

And one more thing. My client would like his caption credit for #269 in boldface with the immediate removal of any reference to one Tim H. Oh shit, they dropped me over Lake Michigan again.

Damon said...

"Did you delete the appointment from my calendar? This one: `Rape Fun Time. Where: butt. Attendee: giant jellyfish'. Yes? Okay - my laptop's obviously not synching..."

Damon said...

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SORT OF MORNING I'M HAVING!...oh...I just assumed...no, you pretty much nailed it...yup, parachute. Okay then..." *sigh*

al Choo! said...

“Honey, please don’t buy Airborne Deluxe ™ again. My cold is gone, but I’m going to be late for work.”

Edwin Muffski said...

"Dammit Genie, sky and muff sound nothing alike."

Maya Opic said...

"Does this harness make my balls look like a laptop?"

Damon said...

"Looking for that email...here it is: `Cancel competition's plane sabotage; there are children aboard'. Yeah - it got marked `spam'. Next time, leave out `children'."

Eats shoots and leaves said...

"No, Sweetie, I do get it, but a hungry panda eating a pair o' shoots just isn't funny right now."

Kathy H said...

"Hey! Have I gone back in time? And is that Game Six of the 1986 World Series?"

Tothe McCloud said...

"Oh, Dude, this frickin working in the Cloud shit kicks ass!"

Anonymous said...

"Uh, yeah, sorry... The meeting is still up in the air right now." -cta

Walt said...

"Hello, Geronimo Development Corporation? I'd like to negotiate a one-time limited license to use a portion of your name. ... No, shouted in mid-air. ... Sure, I'll hold."

Tim H said...

[I, Tim H, concur with Mr. boneguy's request for the "immediate removal of any reference to" myself in boldface -- mentioned honorably -- in Contest #269. My amicus curiae brief, in fact, has been filed at the end of Contest #269 and even precedes Mr. boneguy's request by an hour. Thank youse.]

boneguy said...

Thank you Tim H, kind sir. I will call off my mouthpiece.

Satireguy said...

"Oh yeah, I've been bumped before but always BEFORE I got on the flight!"

Anonymous said...

Hello, tech support? My computer is about to crash.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Profits, windfall profits, what's the difference?"

dwilk

M. Stevens said...

"Apparently, American now charges extra for parachutes with 20-20 vision."

Anonymous said...

Hello. Cheapfares.com? What the fuck?

Rocko

Anonymous said...

al was gettin' cranky so I bailed out. You guys comin' with me? ... (silence) ... Guys? ... (more silence) ... Anybody??

J.D. or not J.D.

Anonymous said...

I get hard every time I jump. I call it "chute willie", you crazy bastard! How hard are YOU?

Knucklehead

Anonymous said...

"Act like a knucklehead on Alinalia and they throw you off the plane."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

I'll be right over.

Jim Cavanaugh

T_Waits said...

"Small change got rained on? I'm about to blow my wad on your head!"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Dammit! I thought that Spanish guy said it was Hump Day!"

Rudy said...

"I figure once the South Tower fell, this was was the way to go. Now, how many shares of Aon Corporation do you want to sell?"

Seattle Stu said...

But if I land on the tip of the Space Needle, Bill Gates will give me a million dollars!

Seattle Stu II said...

substitute liberty torch and Donald Trump for east coast bias

Evander Saywhat said...

Yes Kathy H. you did but it's round 7 of the Bowe\Holyfield fight at Caesars Palace!

Owed to "C Boxx" said...

"Almond Roca, anyone?"

Owed to "C Boxx" said...

I know how to spell 'ode'. I just thought he/she was 'owed' first place in the last contest, is all.

Platypus Next said...

"Hello, Facebook Friends. I have just exited a Twin Otter at 13,000 feet. She seemed glad to have me, while her sister only looked on in envy. I have fulfilled the first of the many Wild(est) Kingdom fantasies on my Fuck-It List!"

Don Petty said...

"Honey, all I said was I wanted an air-conditioned office with a view! Oh, wait, here's an email from my boss. 'I thought I'd give you a view of the lake, the bridge, the golf course, and your life flashing before your eyes all in one fell swoop (no pun intendend). If there's anyhing else I can do, just ask.'"

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

Preview performance of Broadway's Spider-man:

"I don't think this scene will make it to Opening Night."

Anonymous said...

"The fine print says subject to wkfir fhr thsoir f je judkr tojdkn."

PB

Richard H said...

"How important are the receipts?"

Kathy H said...

"Yes, I represent M.C. Hammer in his comeback."

Satireguy said...

"Sell all our Boeing shares NOW!"

Peter Principle said...

"I thought 'descent benefits' was a typo."

Anonymous said...

"Funny way to get terminated . . . they said I was about to 'jump the shark' and the next thing I know, here I am . . . I guess that is the ocean down there . . ."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You’d think The New Yorker could spare a lifeguard or two to prevent this sort of thing from happening . . . “


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I appreciate United’s efforts at public relations . . . but I guess I didn’t fully understand their ‘open door’ policy.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I appreciate United’s efforts at public relations . . . but I guess I didn’t fully understand their ‘open door’ policy.”


---blw

LV said...

"Hello, quality control? I'd like to report that I was eating a box of chocolates and the nose and mustache came off of my Groucho glasses."

Tim H said...

"Hello? This is Mr. Lewis of the Patent Office. I'm sorry, but I don't think your Ginormous Coffee Filter has passed muster."

Anonymous said...

Brief? How's this for brief? I'm losing my legal briefs and crapping my boxer briefs.

Jim Cavanaugh

Kathy H said...

Who's peekin' out from under a stairway
callin' a name that's lighter than air
Who's bendin' down to give me a rainbow
everyone knows it's Windy...

Anonymous said...

“Oo-wee, you ride me high,
Tomorrow’s the day my bride’s gonna’ come;
Oh-ho, are we gonna’ fly
Down to the . . . uhhh . . . harsh reality of the unyielding earth.”


---blw

boneguy said...

Ranger school or Harvard MBA? I'm having a hard time deciding.

boneguy said...

Ranger school or Harvard MBA? I'm having a hard time deciding, so I thought to give both a whirl.

Rex said...

"Oh fuck! My glasses!"

Air Traffic Controller said...

"Nothing much, just chuting the shit."

pretentious_prick said...

"Oops, dropped my amicus curiae brief."

Inexperienced Consultant said...

"My bad. I thought you actually wanted me to view your company from 20,000 feet."

Same as a Melvin said...

"Fuckin-A, I'm getting totally raunched."

Damon said...

"I should be landing at Baker Street. You'll see clowns to the left of me, and jokers to the right. Thanks for the call, Gerry."

AL -ways gets the last word said...

... asks the dogs "How would you describe the level of competition in the AL East?" "ROUGH!" "Is there anything - besides more fire hydrants (pause for laughs) - that could've made the new Yankee Stadium better?" "ROOF!"

Austin in PA said...

On second thought, maybe doing this on "take your daughter to work day" wasn't a great idea.

Drag Racer Queen said...

"I agree. This would be a funnier way to stop if I was dressed in drag."

Kathy H said...

"I'm so glad to be heading to the Paralympic Games. What's that...?"

Tim H said...

"Damn this The Amazing Race detour!"

Anonymous said...

I'm bringin' it to the House floor for a reading, I mean, what's one more gratuitious stunt gonna hurt?

Rocko

Anonymous said...

I'm about to find out which is the bigger thrill - sky diving or having a pair of double d's in your lap.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

And tell Shirley she'll have her alimony check by Tues...Thursday.

Tim H said...

"Do you deliver?"

Anonymous said...

If I can't score Ducks-Tigers tickets on StubHub I've got a back-up plan.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Dude, internet porn and sky diving is the ultimate.

Rocko

REX said...

IMDB FACTUAL ERROR: If the man has one hand on his phone and the other on his lap top, how could he hold his brief case? (And if he is not holding it, won't it fly away?)

Mr.Helper said...

In this case IMDB stands for
I'm Ma Dousche Bag,plus you missed his prehensile Schwantz

Anonymous said...

"I know, I'm running late. Let me get rid of this stupid parachute."

Dan

Jess said...

"Yeah, I got your email. A slip and fall in the WalMart parking lot. I'm on it...But listen, this is not what I went to law school for."

Eric G said...

Let me clarify. When you're on the clock, there is no "free fall."

Anonymous said...

I don't know where the fuck I am.

Mike said...

"Steven? This is your cousin Marvin. Marvin Slater!?"

Anonymous said...

I'm using Google Maps

Chumley said...

"My documents! My precious documents!"

Chumley said...

"Mr. Rafferty, I can see your house from up here! Correction: I can see *the bank's* house from up here. Yes, this is my way of telling you we've foreclosed."

Anomalous said...

I've just run the numbers and it seems my golden parachute is only gold filled. How soon can you arrange another bail out?

Rocky Landing III said...

Rocky: "'What's the truth, dammit?!' I sharted. Alright? You wanna hear me say it? You wanna bring me down? I sharted. For the first time in my life, I sharted.

Adrian: 'I sharted, too. There's nothin' wrong with that. I live with a sharter; my sharter.'

Satireguy said...

Fred is unable to fully express the urgency of the situation as his new Google Chrome laptop has no caps lock key.

Colonel Angus said...

"My wife requests creative foreplay, and I'm one stuck landing away from having gone down on her."

Anomalous said...

I've lost my damn wifi connection; get me IT now or I'll come down so hard on... OMG, I just said hard-on!

JohnnyB said...

I'm in a suit, in a chute and about to reboot.

Anomalous said...

Fucking Army recruiter told me that JAG officers didn't have to do this kinda shit.

Anomalous said...

Afghanistan!? Sir, if this is about saying your wife has a phat ass, that was meant as a compliment. Hello?

Anomalous said...

Listen, I don't have a problem flying on military aircraft for this fact-finding trip but shouldn't they at least land at my fucking destination?

Anonymous said...

"The etymology of "poop-chute" is perfectly clear"

Richard H said...

"Fantastic new manuscript, Jonathan. I had no trouble reading your handwriting. One question: were you serious when you said you didn't make a copy?"

Anomalous said...

Eat shit and die? I thought he said eat shit or fly.

Anonymous said...

I'm airborn! Quack attack! Go Dducks!!

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