Monday, October 18, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #260





















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I'm showing that you transferred all your money to Somalia." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, I realize this could be a candidate for the real contest. Still, in the absence of a notable cap that’s offensive and/or stupid, we’ll just have to settle for high brow wit. I doubt the “real winner” will be as good as this cap. That is something I have never said before so hold your head high, Glenn.)

SECOND PLACE (THREE-WAY TIE)
"That's where I always park macaw" --Southy Pirate
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I figured a trio of horrible puns and caps that would never see the light of day in the “real” contest would make up for this week’s winner. This is so ridiculously stupid delightful I didn’t even get it. Mrs. al in la read it out loud and I was like, Huh? )

"We charge a buck an ear for an overdraft. Get it? A buck-an-ear, a buccaneer? Aaarh, forget it matey."-- Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No, no comeback. You where right to explain this. I’d wager when Satireguy thought of this, he immediately said to himself “I can’t submit it I’ll look like a damn idiot.” Then he couldn’t help himself. This is common among Anti-Cappers. )

Polly wants a cracker. The black will have to leave.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet another awful pun that has the added plus of being racially insensitive. Thanks, Rocko. Shortly after posting this he came back and amended this to say “Oops ... The black woman.” I think he did enough damage the first time so I’m letting the original stand. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Thanks, but career-wise it's just a lateral move.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is also worthy of the “real” contest but too good to ignore. It's clear that many people have a deep hatred for all things banking-related. Pirates are associated with looting and plundering, so there was a natural crossover here. As it turns out the similarities between banking and piracy were not lost on other lazy thinkers Anti-Cappers. Read on...)


No, I'm the pirate. For mortgages you'll need to talk to the Loan Arranger.--mgh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This one cuts to the chase. It’s funny because it assumes that the bank knows that we know that they are just a bunch of crooks, so why try to hide it? It’s only logical they would have a pirate on staff.)

"I needed healthcare; they liked my resumè. That simple." --Reality-Beard.. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Also a bit heavy handed but we clearly see a theme emerging.)

"Once we realized we were operating under the same business philosophy, a merger seemed only natural." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a pirate-driven economy “acquisition” works better than “merger.” Maybe something about the FTC investigating anti-trust issues because the two businesses are so closely related. As a business reporter, I learned that “merger” is often a polite way to describe the corporate equivalent of forcible rape.)

"Walk the plank, scoundrel! Oh sorry, I'm still adjustin' to landlubber-speak. I meant to say, 'Please consider an interest-only mortgage with a variable rate.'"--smuck. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The type of mortgage mentioned is a sure way to get in over your head [See? I get it!] This is only slightly humorous but it kind of works)

The pay's just as good, but I miss the rape, murder, and mayhem. --John Rackam (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I briefly considered this for the winner but I doubt tellers get paid nearly as much as most pirates. I also believe even rapists and murders detest mayhem which is defined a needless havoc. Nice try though.)

@Rocko - the "lateral move" caption should be in the real contest --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don’t encourage backseat judging but I know Johnny likes to be recognized. Also, this one time he happens to be right.)


Thanks Johnny, I was considering it.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What are you thanking him for? He's just pandering. I am absolutely 100% certain that people from that magazine read this blog. I am further convinced that a cap posted here will never be among the three finalists they pick. So embrace one contest and ignore the other. That’s what I do.)

"It's a real parrot, but the partition's a clip-on." --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A double-reverse classic that has a germ of truth.)

The arrrrrs here are obscene.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We knew we could count on Capt. Obvious JohnnyB. to add something just like this.)

The banker's hours here are keen.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic lays in tatters. )

I don't believe me eye, either. A black person in a New Yorker cartoon? --Eric (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic theme made more funny by the use of “me eye.” Years ago, I played in a hockey game that was refereed by someone with a glass eye. The players kept yelling, “Come on ref! Open your eye.” True story.)

Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell arrrrrr you?--Jim Cavanaugh
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am running these classics to keep them alive. It is my hope that people will one day put them to good use.)

.
No Mr. Dye, I expect you to buy bonds.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice focus, Jim. This is not nearly as bad as some of your other entries. I was thinking "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to divest.")

I lost a couple of digits. Do you mind?--Cap'n Hook (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic run through the shredder.)

Even though we're docked, we're technically offshore. --Alan Dishpan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is what the great state of Mississippi did with its casinos. They wanted the gambling money but not the tawdry image, so they put them on barges. Katrina put an end to this canard. God hates hypocrites.)

"Used to work in the field. Section 12102 of the ADA - they had to offer me a desk job." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Americans With Disabilities act means that the morbidly obese can work the pole. It was passed by Poppy Bush.)

“Little Jimmy Hawkins! Well, look at you . . . all grown up . . . with a bank account and everything!” ---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just to once again show the depth of my knowledge, a young Jackie Cooper played Hawkins in the 1934 movie, Treasure Island. Someone should write a book based on that classic film.)

Mazeroski, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you old enough to remember? It was 50 years ago. The scurvy dogs outscored us 55-27, but we won in 7 games.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Pirates won '60 Series despite scoring fewer than half the number of runs tallied by the Yankees. The Bucs were shut out twice by Whitey Ford, so they is also a racial element here.)

"6-4, 10-0, 12-0, 3-2, 5-2, 16-3 and 10-9 Buc-oooh!"--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here are the scores of that series.)

“Arrrgh, matey . . . sure I remember Roberto Clemente . . . now there was a real pirate!” ---left coast Wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He was indeed one of the greats. But remember, he was a Pirate with a capital “P.”)

You have a *gub*?-- Avast-Yi Previn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference of to the 1969 film "Take the Money and Run" in which Woody Allen plays inept criminal Virgil Starkwell. The teller in the movie actually says: "That looks like 'gub'--it doesn't look like 'gun.' " So this is a bit obscure and slightly cute but not accurate or really worth bothering with.)

"I'm sorry.. Your note here...Does this say 'I have a gub'?" --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah we know. Someone just said that. )

ATTENTION JUDGES: "cta" copied my entry, three hours after the fact. Real original, dude.--Avast-Yi Previn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Boo fucking hoo. Give me a break! Actually there is only one judge and he thinks you are anal retentive little wuss who takes this shit much too seriously.)

Arrr... it be true, cta and Avast-Yi Previn pirated Woody Allen's gub gag. After the bank closes, we'll be keel-haulin' the bastards.-- Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Konrad tries to add his unique brand of wit but he ends up looking like the old women who runs down to the street in her robe when she hears a car crash. "I saw the whole thing!" she volunteers to a cop who rolls his eyes and says, "Lady, just let me do my job." )

Oh crap, apologies to Avast-Yi Previn. Didn't remember seeing it - must've been the mad cow. -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He deserves no apology, only pity mixed with concern.)

Avast-Yi Previn: Didn't mean to steal your schtick-up line, sorry, dude. -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: cta thought about it and came up with an even more cleaver apology. And so ends a bazaar exchange. Let us never talk about this again.)

"My existence led by confusion boats,
Mutiny from stern to bow;
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."--blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Dylan's 1964 masterpiece "My Back Pages" In my high school yearbook, the quote I used with my pic was from this song: "Using ideas as my maps." I liked short captions and was a massive Dylan fan even back then.)

"Hey this little birdie told me it was al in la's birthday. Pass it on."--FB BFF (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of three such entries submitted on my birthday. A year ago I wrote a blog entry noting that Oct. 20th is also Mickey Mantle's birthday (And Keith Hernandez, and Tom Petty). I suspect that these people made a note of that information and waited a year to apply it out of respect for me and the Mick. That is what I choose to believe anyway.) Align Right

"Happy Birthday, Alinla, you scurvy little butt- pirate. Thanks for keeping the contest alive! Have a great day if it is indeed your Bday. You and the Mrs. rock " --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks I guess, although my advancing years and those nettlesome California laws have curtailed my butt-pirating days.)

.
Yo ho ho alinla. Happy birthday. Here's hopin' yer Jolly Roger still flies above half-mast.--JC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well blow me down! Full steam a head. Keep hope alive. )

"Aarrgh. Fer every new account you gets a glossy 2011 calendar featuring al in la and the missus in various and sundry poses. Makes a great gift." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It was only a few short weeks ago that Tim H. towered over this contest like Trig Palin at a Tea Party rally. Now he crawls into the winner's circle by kissing up. I don’t know whether to be annoyed or flattered. Maybe if we are lucky Tim will beturn to form.)

139 comments:

Richard H said...

"Welcome to the First Caribbean Bank. How may I help you today?"

Richard H said...

"It's a real parrot, but the partition's a clip-on."

Richard H said...

"Sure my life's a little quiter these days. Then again, we didn't expect the bailout would work as well as it did."

Richard H said...

should read: quieter

JohnnyB said...

You have to be careful taking your contacts out when you have one of these for a hand.

JohnnyB said...

The arrrrrs here are obscene.

JohnnyB said...

What? You've never seen a pirate hat? Yeah, neither has Kanin.

Anonymous said...

"You want to withdrawal $200? That's funny stuff."

Rob

Sandy said...

"Oh, I can get her G-spot with this straight off. There's just a whole lot of blood."

Pittsburgh Pete said...

"We have a losing record every year, but that's how we make a profit!"

LR said...

"They're all clip-ons. Whaddya expect in this clip joint"

LR said...

"Move it along- I'm late for my other job as a dentist, since I lost my gig as an OB/Gyn."

Blucebeard said...

Really I'm a pirate. But today I'm just playing hooky!

Alan Dishpan said...

Even though we're docked, we're technically offshore.

Avast-Yi Previn said...

You have a *gub*?

smuck said...

"Avast!... number of options are available for checking, including free and interest-bearing accounts. Arr!... rates are excellent."

Eric said...

I don't believe me eye, either. A black person in a New Yorker cartoon?

NJ-to-TX said...

"I'm showing that you transferred all your money to Somalia."

Eric G said...

If you be lookin' fer booty, turn around.

Kathy H said...

"Aaarrghh...Welcome to Anchor Bank. How may I help yer?"

JohnnyB said...

Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn' it, ay? Beautiful plumage! Very rare. This one cost me an arm and a leg.

Tim H said...

"Have any of you seen my son, Jon Hamm?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm sorry.. Your note here...Does this say 'I have a gub'?" -cta

Anonymous said...

No Mr. Dye, I expect you to buy bonds.

Jim Cavanaugh

cta said...

"Yes sir, sorry about the wait; You can see that we're a little short-handed today."

Utellme said...
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Utellme said...
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Utellme said...
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Utellme said...

"Finally tired of going to the sharks, ay Matey?"

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"Come a little closer, there's something in your eye."

Utellme said...

"Blackbeard's on a pee break."

Satireguy said...

"For opening a new account, them's your choices, matey: a free parrot, feather or hook."

Avast-Yi Previn said...

ATTENTION JUDGES: "cta" copied my entry, three hours after the fact. Real original, dude.

The noisy parrot said...

"Bwwaaak...Bwaaak...Make a deposit...make a deposit...Bwaaak...Bwaaak!

Dated Reference said...

"Why, yes! I did for twelve years until someone realized my memberrr wasn't an E-ticket attraction in Fantasyland."

Anonymous said...

The banker's hours here are keen.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Thanks, but career-wise it's just a lateral move.

Rocko

Harry said...

"AVAST YE!!!"

Anonymous said...

"Hemingway's a fag."

dwilk

JohnnyB said...

@Rocko - the "lateral move" caption should be in the real contest

Steve_O said...

"Happy Halloween! Welcome to 'S Bank."

Anonymous said...

Thanks Johnny, I was considering it.

Rocko

Ashen Dockworker said...

Arrr... it be true, cta and Avast-Yi Previn pirated Woody Allen's gub gag. After the bank closes, we'll be keel-haulin' the bastards.

Ashen Dockworker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashen Dockworker said...

Do not piss off the P-A-R-R-O-T!

Anonymous said...

Oh crap, apologies to Avast-Yi Previn. Didn't remember seeing it - must've been the mad cow. -cta

Anonymous said...

Avast-Yi Previn: Didn't mean to steal your schtick-up line, sorry, dude. -cta

Anonymous said...

"Sir, did you want to deposit this in your checking, savings or the dead man's chest?" -cta

Anonymous said...

"Aye, the hook does scare the lassies, but then I show 'em my French tickler peg leg." -cta

Ashen Dockworker said...

The pen got a little bent when I rammed it into my stump, but it still writes fine.

Steve_O said...

"I dress this way to hide my true occupation from my family."

Steve_O said...

"The FTC requires it as part of its Truth in Advertising."

Ashen Dockworker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Tim H said... The Buc Stops Here

Richard H said...

"I misread the memo from corporate. I thought it was Pirate Day. In fact, were just offering 3.14159265% interest on a 10-year CD for one-day only."

Richard H said...

"I misread the memo from corporate. I thought it was Pirate Day. In fact, we're just offering 3.14159265% interest on a 10-year CD for one-day only."

Dean Wetter said...

Invest me Hearties!!

Anonymous said...

"arr poop in a bucket"

Anonymous said...

"I'm a baseball player with performance incentives. I do this to make money."

dwilk

Word Cleaver said...

Adolph the pirate explains to laMont and Uhura the New Harlem Trust takeover 'took their investments down a peg" while Olivier waits to deposit his diamonds and dubloons in his 'safe' deposit box

jealous Blaine said...

Why yes I'm Teller. the parrot is Penn

Gary P said...

"Used to work in the field. Section 12102 of the ADA - they had to offer me a desk job."

Kathy H said...

"Welcome to the Walking Plank. I mean, the Walker Bank."

boneguy said...

Do not scratch your balls with your left hand, do not scratch.... Oh I'm sorry, how may I help you sir?

Southy Pirate said...

"That's where I always park macaw"

Austin in PA said...

Talk to the hand.

Reality-Beard said...

"I needed healthcare; they liked my resumè. That simple."

Anonymous said...

“The money is all yours if you can duck the left hook.”

dwilk

Rrrod Stewarrrt said...

"Yea, being a pirate was cool...I just couldn't take all the seamen."

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, I’m right-handed, but I’m still right-brained from when I was left-handed....before the boating accident."

Rob

Eric G said...

We don't have safety deposit boxes here. But we can store your valuables in Davy Jones' locker.

smuck said...

"Arr, I see ye be lookin' fer Davy Jones' safe deposit box."

* Note: I came up with this independently of Eric G. Great minds?

Steve_O said...

"Once we realized we were operating under the same business philosophy, a
merger seemed only natural."

Anonymous said...

"It's not a prosthesis, it my hooker. Move to the side and I'll show you what I mean. NEXT!!"

dwilk

Eric G said...

Let this be a warning to all of ye. Stop piratin' other people's captions.

Bucky said...

After Tampa Bay cut me, I had to find a 9 to 5

Delt Guano said...

Don't forget to stop at the farmers market next door . Corn is a Buck an ear and I like the Free parrot wipes

Kathy H said...

"Long John Silver? Truth be told, a bit hyperbolic."

Smegbeard said...

"Begone, ya scallywag. Yonder wench needs a Jolly Rogering."

Anonymous said...

"My existence led by confusion boats,
Mutiny from stern to bow;
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You were expecting maybe Johnny Depp, jerk?”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“Keith Richards? Yeah, he’s with us now . . . He fell on hard times. He’s on a break.”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“Little Jimmy Hawkins! Well, look at you . . . all grown up . . . with a bank account and everything!”


---blw

Austin in PA said...

Aye, and I not be wearing pants either.

Anonymous said...

Mazeroski, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you old enough to remember? It was 50 years ago. The scurvy dogs outscored us 55-27, but we won in 7 games.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"6-4, 10-0, 12-0, 3-2, 5-2, 16-3 and 10-9 Buc-oooh!"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Hey this little birdie told me it was al in la's birthday. Pass it on."

FB BFF

Anonymous said...

"Happy Birthday, Alinla, you scurvy little butt- pirate. Thanks for keeping the contest alive! Have a great day if it is indeed your Bday. You and the Mrs. rock "

Anonymous said...

Yo ho ho alinla. Happy birthday. Here's hopin' yer Jolly Roger still flies above half-mast.

JC

Satireguy said...

"We charge a buck an ear for an overdraft. Get it? A buck-an-ear, a buccaneer? Aaarh, forget it matey."

John Rackam said...

Sure, that was all fun, but then there was the pox, scurvy, rickets, clap, typhus, grippe, consumption, lockjaw, gangrene, bedbugs, weevils, rats, fleas, lice, roa... Time for lunch; next window please!

smuck said...

"Walk the plank, scoundrel! Oh sorry, I'm still adjustin' to landlubber-speak. I meant to say, 'Please consider an interest-only mortgage with a variable rate.'"

Tim H said...

"Aarrgh. Fer every new account you gets a glossy 2011 calendar featuring al in la and the missus in various and sundry poses. Makes a great gift."

Anonymous said...

"Aye, Matey? Ok, a deposit.. What? ..On me shoulder? Arr, where be that bloody bird?! Is he hiding on me blind side again?" -cta

Kathy H said...

"I'll tell yer this: I sure like bankers' hours more than those blasted pirates' hours."

Tim H said...

"Well, once I saw a performance of Pirates of Penzance, I was hooked."

Kathy H said...

"If I can find the meat, I'm going a Lady Gaga this Halloween."

Kathy H said...

"...as Lady Gaga..."

Tim H said...

"Have yer ever had a three-way with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae?"

Anonymous said...

“No, a free Cutlass is not one of our current promotions . . . you might try the Penzance, Barbary Coast, Shores of Tripoli or Hispaniola branches.”

---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

“Arrgh, you scurvy-lipped poxed varlet . . . I’ll have you know this institution traded Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla to get the likes of me here!!!”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“Arrrgh, matey . . . sure I remember Roberto Clemente . . . now there was a real pirate!”

---left coast Wayne

Utellme said...
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Utellme said...
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Utellme said...

"Shiver me timbers! That's pirate-speak for 'I need to drop a log.'"

Anonymous said...

"My head is as big as all a yers put together!"

Ashen Dockworker said...

No, this is not the fortune-teller’s booth.

Ashen Dockworker said...

Arrrr! Did ye not see that this be Cap'n Blood's Bank? He'll be needin' yer pint and right quick, lad!

John Rackam said...

Dude! We have, like, the best CD rates at the moment; you should totally let me hook you up.

Utellme said...

"Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is SO last year. The bank manager asked me to pull down my Penzance this morning. I showed him my left hook."

Gary P said...

Pete had one eye, one hand, one ear, one leg, and one testicle. So he worked in a bank.

boneguy said...

Came in handy when I was employed as a meatpacker. Not so much now.

Nicky said...

"I'm haunted by the cash basis of my victims."

Anonymous said...

I lost a couple of digits. Do you mind?

Cap'n Hook

richard_cranium said...

"Arrgh, I'm afraid this is me last hook. Perhaps I could interest ye in a clever cleaver."

Gottfrid said...

"We don't use paper or e-mail. All your statements are online as bittorrents."

Anonymous said...

"Does this look like a negotiable instrument to you?"

Anonymous said...

"You didn't throw away our piracy statement, did you?"

Anonymous said...

"I can't roll pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters or dubloons anymore, but I can roll me R's."

Anonymous said...

"You're a Czech, Mr. Kukla. We don't pay Czechs."

John Rackam said...

The pay's just as good, but I miss the rape, murder, and mayhem.

John Rackam said...

I sometimes be wishin' me mum had gotten me Hooked on Phonics.

Anonymous said...

No, I'm the pirate. For mortgages you'll need to talk to the Loan Arranger.

mgh

Satireguy said...

"We're pirates, matey. No withdrawals; we only take deposits."

Satireguy said...

"Aaaar, matey. You be on the hook for $20,000."

Anonymous said...

"My third grade teacher made me right-handed."

jazzy

Anonymous said...

"I made a name for myself by eliminating all the Safe Harbor provisions from our statements" Oh yeah, still got it

Bobby said...

"I was touched by His Noodly Appendage."

John Rackam said...

I tole the first mate we should load 'im down with lead shot, but 'e says 'e ain't worth it and next thing we see's the cap'n bobbin' in the 'arbour like a buoy.

Anonymous said...

ANOTHER GREAT WEEK OF TRASHING & TEACHING THE WINNERS. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AL YOU PUT A SMILE ON MY "MUST READ" MONDAY ANTI CAP CHECK IN!

ps I HAVE YET TO WIN BUD!!

KEN

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