WINNER
"Yeah, it's the building with the dead Indian hanging from the flagpole."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has all the elements: Short, tasteless and laugh-out-loud funny.)
SECOND PLACE
"…and then Bitches About Everything got into it with Can’t Make Numbers and Always Steals Supplies. So yeah, I’ll be home late." ---Damon. (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Who among us has not endured a boss "on the war path" or been subjected to a savage attack near the water cooler. This cap reminds us that corporate culture owes much to Native Americans including the midtown plot it occupies.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Faulty Arrow Dispenser Inc. How may I help you?" --mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of old school in its simplicity. It took some balls to post a cap this stupid. Congrats mort!)
Well, Obama did promise us that Hopi Changey stuff...--Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references an actual Indian tribe known primarily for its contribution to crossword puzzles. It also works in a quasi-classic and mocks Sarah Palin. Nice multi-tasking, Eric.)
That's right, Anne Archer turned 63 today. And she is mighty pissed,!"-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted on her actual birthday. A fair enough pun, but not at all funny. Still we've never had a cap quite like this before. Very topical.)
"Shut up! Just Shut up! You had me at '1/16th Sioux on your mother's side entitling you to .000029 of one percent of all gambling revenues from the Rosebud Casino'."-- J. Maguire (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not funny and it should be "gaming" not "gambling" [That's the biz world term.] Still, a lot of thought went into this cap, so I want to give it props. And yes, I get the not too obscure references here as well.)
The arrows here are obscene. JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's truly obscene is the lack of recognition given to JohnnyB and his hilarious caps. How does he so consistently come up with this stuff?)
Send lawyers, guns and money. The shit has hit the fan."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the link Kathy, but I knew this was from the closing track on Warren Zevon's 1978 album "Excitable Boy" Yes, it is more than 30 years old.)
Tell 'em it's a *very* hostile takeover! --Optimus Sub-Prime (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I will damn this cap with faint praise: It should be in the "real" contest.)
If it's who I think, he packs a twelve-arrow quiver. But I'm not sure I feel lucky today . . .- --D'arcy's Parts (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice mix of Clint-speak and applied knowledge.)
"That's the last time I order Arrow® shirts. (...rim shot)...But, seriously...." Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim knew he was embarrassing himself with this, but he went for it anyway. A true Anti-Capper indeed.)
Yes, Governor Brewer, my illegal immigration has brought drug violence to Arizona, I'll say it on TV. Now can you please help get me out of here?- Diamondback Dave (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very insightful and topical, but remember: It's not illegal immigration if you conquer the occupants, steal their land and then write the history books.)
"Okay, now I'm rubbing your clit."--Joshua (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I get that this is phone sex, of course, but why is he under attack? He's being compliant.)
"Cavalry Emergency Hotline? Yes, I need one...corner of 5th and Main...I'll hold." [music] *Cherokee peoplllllllllle...Cherokee triiiiiiibe...* --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great cap! A very strong week for you, Damon! I have not heard that stupid song in decades but here's a line off the top of my head: "Though I wear a shirt and tie, I'm Cherokee people til I die." Yes, that's how often my sister played it. )
"Send up someone from IT...I'm having trouble with my search Injun." --Paleface O'Toole(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is actually pretty good once you get through groaning.)
"It's an Arrow-on Chair, Biatch! --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: More obscure than funny. This references an office chair with a mesh back. It was marketed by a company called Herman Miller. )
"I know I told you the captions suck, but don't shoot the messenger, dammit!" Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There's a huge difference between being shot at and being wounded. That's what I have learned judging the Anti-Cap contest.)
"...It also reflects that the “settler” is NOT the one doing the talking. This is something many Anti-Capper got wrong this week."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is just a vicious malcontent making fun of me. I just want him or her to know that I know that.)
What do I tell them, Mr. Beck? It seems they, er... uh... want their country back.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A miss-information campaign based on fear, ignorance and distortion is far more effective than any dumb old arrow. This is something Native Americans ignored at their peril.)
"That's what I'm sayin'....they're in last place 'cause they can't hit anybody."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent! Topical and accurate. The Indians are 22 games out of first--that's why this works.)
95 comments:
The arrows here are obscene.
It must have been some kind of a hog trough time machine!
My arrow keys are screwed up again.
All the tech support has been outsourced to Indians. send the cavalry!
“If I hadn’t been passed out on the floor I’d be dead!”
dwilk
Tell 'em it's a *very* hostile takeover!
- Optimus Sub-Prime
If it's who I think, he packs a twelve-arrow quiver. But I'm not sure I feel lucky today . . .
- D'arcy's Parts
Daniels and Midland were both a-hemmin' and a-hawwin'. But ARCHER's sure-as-shootin' *agin'* it!
- Roger Kaputnik
"It was an arrow escape."
* [See Encyclopedia Brown's good detective work in "The Case of the Stolen Diamond."]
Forget about these arrows. *Outer space death rays* are vaporizing the skyscrapers across the street!
- A Real Hero
"I need some guns, some germs, and some steel. And a broom: this floor is filthy."
I think I'm trapped in some sort of mash-up of New Yorker cartoon cliches. Some cavemen, lawyers, doctors and my stagecoach are all hiding under this desk.
I'm scared . . .
- Prickly Pete
One with pepperoni and mushroom, and one with ham and pineapple. They're $5.99 each if you order two, right?
- Mrs. Prickly Pete
Yeah he's blind, but obviously he can [[ hear me talking ]] . . .
- Stu Pitt
Tim H said...
"That's the last time I order Arrow® shirts. (...rim shot)...But, seriously...."
Yes, Governor Brewer, my illegal immigration has brought drug violence to Arizona, I'll say it on TV. Now can you please help get me out of here?
- Diamondback Dave
"Cavalry Emergency Hotline? Yes, I need one...corner of 5th and Main...I'll hold." [music] *Cherokee peoplllllllllle...Cherokee triiiiiiibe...*
"We just didn't think that proposing to build a saloon/whore-house named "Bury my Hog at Wounded Knee" on an Indian burial ground would elicit such an emotional response. Native Americans are so intolerant! Maybe we should just change the name"
"`Temp staff never revolts', you said. Yeah, right. What a bunch of sitting bull."
"Honestly, I thought we'd have enough cake for everyone..."
"Stop them before they ruin my cityscape of Cleveland."
"I told them I was a 'Member of the Tribe', but it looks like they're not Jewish."
"Send up someone from IT...I'm having trouble with my search Injun."
Kathy H said...
"Send lawyers, guns and money. The shit has hit the fan."
"It's an Arrow-on Chair, Biatch!
"Yeah, it's the building with the dead Indian hanging from the flagpole."
dwilk
"Dagnabbit, studying arrow dynamics takes time."
"Didya get dat link I sentcha to SquawWhore.com? Hee hee, I know! But next time ya gots to be more careful with dat dere 'CC' button..."
"…and then Bitches About Everything got into it with Can’t Make Numbers and Always Steals Supplies. So yeah, I’ll be home late."
That's the last time we send the board on a wilderness bonding experience
"Agarn here. At the risk of enraging the Hekawi further, could you pipe in my theme music?"
Hello accounting? Would it be possible to speed up that request for reparations to the Sioux?
"Faulty Arrow Dispenser Inc. How may I help you?"
"Custer Industries, here. Can I put you on hold? We're currently the target of a hostile takeover."
Tim H said...
"No, operator, I wanted Quivers 'r' Us, not Howard f***ing Stern!"
"Accounting? Yeah, there's a bunch of Indians here who say we still owe 'em $24 plus interest for their island."
Kathy said...
"No, the name of our store is pronounced Tar-jay, dumbass..."
"Damn it, Marge, I said, 'Hit me with all the AEROSMITH you have!'"
Rob
"No, no, no . . . I said, 'Give 'em "beaus and Eros" . . . you know, something to get 'em in a romantic mood . . ."
---blw
"Hey, Bob, sorry to bother you, but my internet's down again"
"You were right, Hoss, advertising your location on Facebook Places can be dang risky."
Tim H said...
"When I said I was for that mosque being built near Ground Zero, somehow I didn't expect this reaction."
"Yes, this is Mr. Bond. What would you like me to do?" --NAMBY
"I need to get my arrow count down...again."
dwilk
"Nock, Nock"
"who's there?"
"Cock Fletch..."
"Cock Fletch wh.. Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a fletcher."
"Confucius say,'Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana smeared all over nether-region'.”
Hey Tiger, this is Fuzzy.
Remember you needed 'Psycho Indian Squaw' for Blackout on your Slut Bingo card....
"I don't get it. I quit eating red meat five hours ago."
Rob
Kathy H said...
"Yes, the hat you sent me is much too small for my head."
Tim H said...
That's right, Anne Archer turned 63 today. And she is mighty pissed,!"
"beep, beep, BEEP! ... If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. This is a recording."
Kathy H said...
"Well, the bad news is that my ass is full of arrows, but the good news is that this ain't no two-week caption contest."
"It's OK. This Sitting Bull guy seems to have a really bad case of myopia."
"Cancel my reservation!"
-- Dex
"Just tell the Sparkletts guy we're changing back to Arrowhead. Fuck him he doesnt need to know why. And I need some neosporin and a band aid for my exit wound, Stat"
Last time I ask Chief Dan George to "nock a few back" after work
"...It also reflects that the “settler” is NOT the one doing the talking. This is something many Anti-Capper got wrong this week."
Anonymouse ssid...
[In this work-a-day world, who's to say who's doing the "talking"? I mean, we had 8 years of a President who looked like he was talking, but turns out he wasn't the ventriloquist in that duo.]
Tim H said...
"While I appreciate the effort, I think I'd rather have you send over Roscoe, the Bed Bug Detecting Beagle to take care of my problem. O.K.?"
General Custer's great-great-grandson Dave Custer meets an eerily similar fate.
"...Don't worry, sir, Tonto Kowalski may be long and thick, but he's also drunk and stupid. The authorities will be there momentarily."
"Yes, Tanta. I want Tanta the Indian. . . to perform an unnatural act."
"Would someone please tell Dharani that this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to play 'Hide the Tip' with an Indian?"
Jane, it's Ted. They just won't let that tomahawk chop incident go
Curious George isn't taking it too well that I'm not his real father and that he didn't always live in Cleveland.
"Sorry, Osama -- it looks like none of the new recruits could hit the skyscrapers."
--Jared S.
"Can you hear me now?"
"Tell Don Draper that we've lost the Red Man account."
---blw
"Listen, Danny, I think it might have been a bad idea robbing that last casino!" -cta
"No, I don't know why everything casts a shadow in here but the LCD monitor. Try shooting more arrows."
I don't understand. The government said I would be safe if I duct-taped the doors and windows.
Jim Cavanaugh
Building that memorial to General Custer two blocks from their casino turned out to be a bad idea.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Oh, same ole same ole."
Rob
"That's what I'm sayin'....they're in last place 'cause they can't hit anybody."
dwilk
Of course I'm out of breath. I was just doing some arrowbics.
Jim Cavanaugh
What do I tell them, Mr. Beck? It seems they, er... uh... want their country back.
Jim Cavanaugh
Well, Obama did promise us that Hopi Changey stuff...
"Are we covered for Indian attacks?"
Yeah, remember that Luddite whose claim we denied?
"Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too... "
"Help! I'm trapped in someone's horribly offensive racial stereotype!"
Get that damn Cupid on the line and tell him that last night was strictly a "pump and dump".
"I'll let you know what I think of your 'Wild West' motif as soon as I find my contact."
"...Press 1 to continue in English."
"Yes, no problem, I can hold."
"He misses me really bad."
dwilk
"Shut up! Just Shut up! You had me at '1/16th Sioux on your mother's side entitling you to .000029 of one percent of all gambling revenues from the Rosebud Casino'."
Tell Al the crowd's getting ugly *even for an internet community!* He darn well better post last week's results jiminy quick!
- Lance Armweak
Marty the Indians got the keys to the DeLorean!
I know, I know, it's just one day late. STOP SHOOTING AT ME!
The results are going to be a little late this week. I've been ambushed.
Circle the desks! There's an anti-capper uprising.
Finagled?
Hello, Fry's? Is it too late to purchase the extended warranty on my new computer?
No, Mr. Bond. I expect more from Fry's.
Hell, just pick a winner alphabetically.
-- AAAADex
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