Sunday, August 8, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #251
























UPDATE: The New Yorker is taking yet another well deserved week off so this contest continues. Keep adding Anti-Captions related to the above image and at the end of the week I will validate the best ones. Feel free to use obscure references and trivia. You can't stump Google me. --al in la

WINNER (WEEK TWO)
Why, yes, a two-week New Yorker cartoon contest does feel like an eternity." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Predictably, the handful of second-week entries submitted here where really lame unspectacular. So let's just say this one was picked for its ironic honesty or something. Please note: I have something to do tonight so I may not be able to post this week's cartoon until tomorrow. No need to call 911. Just be patient. )

WINNER
The urinals get more imaginative every year. -- bone guy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: When I saw the image, I also thought the headless angel might be a novelty bathroom fixture. While I personally have no interest in pissing in, say, a clown’s mouth, a Google search of “creative urinals” yielded dozens of unusual venues for men’s pee. Still, I have always assumed we will no longer produce bodily waste products once we reach heaven. [Even though there is, of course, cold Heineken on tap every where you go.] That’s why I think this works better if we assume it’s a trendy club running a theme party. )

SECOND PLACE
"Ohhhh, Jesus-Mary-Joseph, they turned the 'Splendid Splinter' into the 'Unusual Urinal'." --Molly O'Flanagan (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Funny on a few levels, cruel and esoteric. Ted Williams, whose lean frame and prissy demeanor earned him the stupid nickname, “Splendid Splinter,” reportedly had his noggin posthumously removed and stored in a freezer for possible later use. Now, in heaven, his body is a receptacle for used beer. I like it! Also, novelty urinals are, in fact, an unfortunate development in plumbing. I like the alliteration but this assumes that a Red Sox could go to heaven. While Pumpsie Green is a lock and Mets fans may lobby for Buckner, that’s pretty much it. “A” for effort.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Oh, that's Ralph Ellison...God's ironic." --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Nice irony. Ellison is the author of “Invisible Man” which is about the disenfranchisement of American black men. A truly ironic God would help a brother get elected President of a country with a racist history.)

"He died in a topless bar." --Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: One of several obscure references in the contest this week. Naturally I understood them all. This references a famous 1982 NY Post front page “Headless Body In Topless Bar.” I have always thought of the Post as a necessary evil. )


"Christ! Not another lost temple."--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This was submitted just after 6 pm on Sunday. I include it to demonstrate that I consider every cap entered up until the moment I get around to dealing with this stuff.)

That's Claude Rains. --
JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: He played the invisible man in a movie, the name of which I can not recall.)

"I remember when he said that the Internet was a series of tubes. It's not so funny, now." --Gary P (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Ted Stevens was a grumpy, ineloquent man who lent himself to easy ridicule. I liked him a lot more as an ex-senator. But he was also a WWII war hero who backed down from no one. May he rest in peace.)

The last words he heard were, "Heads up!"
--JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I get this. I have long feared that my last words will be something like “I’ll bet that thing’s not even loaded.” )
.
When Vinnie threatened to pinch his head off and shit in the hole he turned the other cheek. That's why he's here. --Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Threats from tough guys can be very creative. That's what this tells us. )

"Ah, the true cost of being an organ donor." --J. Mansfield (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The attribution references Jane Mansfield's grusome death in 1967. She was not decapitiated, so this is not funny. Here’s how this can be funny: Imagine a Far Side cartoon with of two big guys from the Salvation Army hauling away a huge pipe organ from a church. The befuddled choir members are saddened that they have no music. Only then does this caption work.)

"Oh, that poor sap. His wife brought him to a Natalie Merchant concert last night, and after 12 straight musical interpretations of 19th century children's poetry he had no choice but to blow his own head off with a shotgun. Understanding his limited options, God couldn't really hold it against him, except the missing head part." --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Funny but flawed. There is no excuse for a married guy to go to such an event. It’s something you do when you’re trying to get laid dating. You know: “A gallery opening! On Super Bowl Sunday! Of course, I’d love to go! ” )

The tailors weren't expecting Gary Coleman so soon. --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The small fry actor is in there somewhere. We get it. Just not funny.)

It's Vic Morrow. He's waiting for John Landis to try and get in.--Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Got it. Helicopter blades. Twilight Zone. Eric continues to reach far and wide. )

Now it makes sense. I just saw Ichabod Crane look like he saw a ghost."--Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: So the murderous Headless Horseman made it to heaven? Good to know the bar is so low.)

"Oh, that's Blue Robot after one choice uppercut from Red. Teacher says, 'every time a robot neck goes "aaaaaaaaaaaaah", a headless toy robot angel gets its wings.' Atta boy, Clarence." --Boothle Boothle (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A hybrid cap references to Rock'em Sock'em Robots and “It’s a Wonderful Life.” To what end, I don‘t know.)

"I used to think Leviticus 20:13 was bullshit." --
Glenn (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is about an Old Testament passage condemning gay men. [I believe lesbians get a pass if they tickle each other while wearing sexy lingerie.] The Good Book also says: "Slaves, obey your human masters with fear and trembling." (Ephesians 6:5) and "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out" (Matthew 5:29). So there is a lot to cherry pick from. That’s all I‘m saying.)
.
"I guess it was a banner day for science down there. Still, I'll miss Ted Williams head..." -cta (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A similar theme to the second place winner but it makes no sense. Why would you miss the head of someone who never won a World Series?)

I know how he feels. Third in the AL West - who'da thunk it?--Mike Sociopath (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The AL West is just this side of the Special Olympics. But this is only funny to Dodger fans--which means it‘s not funny to me at all. )

"I've gotten used to most aspects of heavenly living: the halos, the flying, the restricted internet access, and even the decapitated angels. But this shitting openly into a puffy cloud is still kind of weird for me." --mpm (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I too thought the headless angel was on the throne. Great minds…)

I know, man. What good is being in heaven without "Cathy"? --Optimus Sub-Prime (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Good riddance to a dumb ass cartoon strip that often makes The Family Circus look edgy. )

Radosh says..."Why not
Cathy Guisewite?" --Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is all over the map. So I’ll just say “Trust me, I get it.”)
.
"...so then the big guy says 'Shut up Bob, everyone knows your head is a clip on,' and gives him a little smack. We were all like 'Holy shit!'"--NAMBY (JUDGE’S COMMENT: God would not do that, but knowing that He could makes this a little tiny bit funny. Also good use of a classic. )

"Daniel Pearl. Anybody else would have gotten his head back, but God's got a thing against Jews these days." --
Glenn (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is probably the most tasteless and insensitive entry in the history of the contest. It‘s not even funny. A little clever, maybe. Also, if it was just simply the name of the innocent man who was brutally slaughtered by terrorists, it might have worked better. [Maybe with a question mark.] The added shit about the Jews is extraneous and the “these days” part is historically inaccurate. The Jews have been persecuted from above and below since time immortal.)
.
Shouldn't it have been Christopher HITCHENS' [not Hitchen's] comment . . .?--Hare Splitter (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is a comment on last week's comments. At least someone noticed.)-
..
.


129 comments:

NAMBY said...

"That's the Holy Ghost."

Anonymous said...

Looks like his head is missing.

- Optimus Sub-Prime

Anonymous said...

I know how he feels. Third in the AL West - who'da thunk it?

- Mike Sociopath

Anonymous said...

"How could a single bullet do all that?"

dwilk

Jess Sayin said...

[Whispering} "Just as I thought, an empty suit. This explains a lot."

Anonymous said...

"He couldn't believe he even got here . . . guess he kinda' lost his head."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Well, he's still got his hands . . . and they appear to be keeping him in his own little heaven, if you know what I mean."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“He never did have much going for him upstairs.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Poor little feller' . . . they're still trying to find something that fits."


---blw

Anonymous said...

He has no head, you have no mouth, and I have no anus. Our ironic blessings . . .

- Don DeBartolo

Richard H said...

"He died in a topless bar."

Anonymous said...

"How can they call it heaven if there's no head to be found?"

Rob

Gary P said...

"Those carpet bombing angels should go to hell."

Satireguy said...

"Too bad; he's still looking to get a head."

JohnnyB said...

That's Claude Rains.

Anonymous said...

Wow, they let some giant flying sperm into heaven!

- Navin J.

JohnnyB said...

The last words he heard were, "Heads up!"

JohnnyB said...

That's George Kerby. Only Topper can see him.

JohnnyB said...

The guy said, "No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die." Then blew James' head off.

JohnnyB said...

When he was beheaded, someone said it'll be an eternity before we can look back on THIS and laugh and, well, here we are. Ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, what a neck-hole.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

When Vinnie threatened to pinch his head off and shit in the hole he turned the other cheek. That's why he's here.

Anonymous said...

The "Vinnie" cap is mine.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

I've had enough of his holier than thou attitude.

Rocko

rICHARD n said...

sEE sPIRO ...i TOLD YOU LIDDY LOST HIS HEAD AFTER THE WHOLE WATERGATE THING!

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Ah, he fell for the ol' 'Tails I Win, Heads You Lose' ploy."

J. Mansfield said...

"Ah, the true cost of being an organ donor."

Anonymous said...

"More is less for not taking the oath."

dwilk

boneguy said...

The urinals get more imaginative every year.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, that's Ralph Ellison...God's ironic."

Eric G said...

The tailors weren't expecting Gary Coleman so soon.

boneguy said...

What idiot doesn't put a luggage tag on his head?

Going-to-Hell Boy said...

"Oh, that's the angel of giving-head."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

Now it makes sense. I just saw Ichabod Crane look like he saw a ghost."

boneguy said...

I don't know how many times I told Hitchens that he shouldn't have pissed off Mother Teresa. Now look at him.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"The irony is that he crashed into that tree wearing HEAD Skis."

Eric G said...

No, that's JFK. Lincoln has a stovepipe halo.

David D. said...

"Uh, oh. Looks like God is getting her period."

David D. said...

"Oh, by the way, try not to stare at his missing head. He's very sensitive about it."

Eric G said...

It's Vic Morrow. He's waiting for John Landis to try and get in.

Anonymous said...

"Isn't this a gated community!? Who let all these no-bodies in!?" -cta

Anonymous said...

"Oh dear, God is going to be awfully angry when he sees someone has escaped.." -cta

Damon said...

"Women don't actually get into Heaven - only their vaginas do. But vaginas get arms and legs. One even ran for VP."

Damon said...

"The rest of him is here, but his head is in hell. It's sort of like doing a 69 with Sandra Bernhard."

Anonymous said...

“Stupid halo . . . doesn’t even know he’s gone.”


---blw

Gary P said...

"The human centipede didn't exactly come apart the same way it was put together."

Anonymous said...

“Is it just me or has St. Peter been a little lax lately at the front gate?”

---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, I hear he’s from Oakland . . . you know, there is no there there . . .”


---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, it always seems to get a little weird just before Halloween."


---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

When Rush and Glenn got to heaven they were shocked to discover that everyone didn't look like them.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Dubya's been here for weeks now and he still can't find it with both hands on a clear day.

Jim Cavanaugh

Richard H said...

"I told you, when God gets angry, he decapitates the angels with the dirty faces."

Glenn said...

"Daniel Pearl. Anybody else would have gotten his head back, but God's got a thing against Jews these days."

Anonymous said...

"I don't see why we all need to be reminded that we had cock rings on Earth. Even him."

holden_c said...

"You should come over to the next cloud and see who's ass the head wound up in."

holden_c said...

"He only knows where he's been. He can't see where he's going."

David D. said...

"Look, I don't want to bore you with all the gory details, but just trust me that it's poetic justice."

Austin in PA said...

I told him to get a "do not resuscitate" order.

NAMBY said...

"...so then the big guy says 'Shut up Bob, everyone knows your head is a clip on,' and gives him a little smack. We were all like 'Holy shit!'"

David D. said...

"Budget cuts."

mort drucker said...

It's Christopher Hitchens. The head is in hell.

mort drucker said...

Let's ask if he needs anything.

mort drucker said...

They call him 'Old Faithful.' Every hour a geyser of blood gushes forth. No one knows why.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Well, the doctors always said that putting halos too close to the head was dangerous to your health."

mpm said...

"I've gotten used to most aspects of heavenly living: the halos, the flying, the restricted internet access, and even the decapitated angels. But this shitting openly into a puffy cloud is still kind of weird for me."

Molly O'Flanagan said...

"Ohhhh, Jesus-Mary-Joseph, they turned the 'Splendid Splinter' into the 'Unusual Urinal'."

Anonymous said...

"I guess it was a banner day for science down there. Still, I'll miss Ted Williams head..." -cta

Gary P said...

"I remember when he said that the Internet was a series of tubes. It's not so funny, now."

Anonymous said...

"The Big Guy will do that on occasion when it's his bowling night and he's forgotten his ball."


---left coast Wayne

Ewan McGoatfucker said...

"The Almighty advised a Scottish lad to "take heed"... well you can do the math from there."

C. Hole said...

"Smells like Kurt Cobain"

Anonymous said...

Most of the submissions so far are a bunch of too weakers.

Anonymous said...

"Are you as horny as I am?"

Anonymous said...

That's just Dubya. It's still up his ass.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

(not an entry, but a comment on the competition thus far) I'm voting for Molly O'Flanagan.

- an average ciziten

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't it have been Christopher HITCHENS' [not Hitchen's] comment . . .?

- Hare Splitter

Glenn said...

"I used to think Leviticus 20:13 was bullshit."

Anonymous said...

"I dare you to put your dick in there."

--Jared S.

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I hear that it was a Weed Whacker® demonstration gone terribly wrong."

Sean O'Irishguy said...

"That's O'Malley. He served one too many flat beers at his pub, and we all know God is just." (For all you lilly-livered Nancies out there the wee bubbles at the top of a pint are called "head")((I'm here all eternity(yes, probably redundant)) Good craic!

Bill S. said...

"Alas, Poor Yorick, fuckethed-over in the afterlife."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"We call her Edith, in an ironic sense."

Anonymous said...

I know, man. What good is being in heaven without "Cathy"?

- Optimus Sub-Prime

califstateworker said...

"Even here Obama has his head up his ass."

Anonymous said...

"What the hell ??"

-Dex

 Konrad said...

That's not Obama, Schwarzenegger; that's God!

David D. said...

Holy shit! That angel over there has no head! Oh, my God, how could this have happened? If this is happening in heaven, then that's the end of everything! Are you guys seeing this? Why aren't you guys all freaking out? Oh God! Why is this happening? Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God! Jesus Christ Fuck!

Gary P said...

"I could barely understand censorship when we were mortal, but the prohibition against making statues anatomically correct here is even stupider."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I got a hankering for a game of Quoits."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...Radosh says...

"Why not Cathy Guisewite?"

Anonymous said...

"Oh, that poor sap. His wife brought him to a Natalie Merchant concert last night, and after 12 straight musical interpretations of 19th century children's poetry he had no choice but to blow his own head off with a shotgun. Understanding his limited options, God couldn't really hold it against him, except the missing head part."

E. Woods said...

"I've actually never heard God yell 'fore'."

Anonymous said...

Star Trek XVIII -- Everybody's Dead; Spock's suspected-terrorism-related beheading leave Bones & Kirk feigning indifference. Gorn's in Hell.

 Konrad said...

At least he's not a dickhead.

Boothle Boothle said...

"Oh, that's Blue Robot after one choice uppercut from Red. Teacher says, 'every time a robot neck goes "aaaaaaaaaaaaah", a headless toy robot angel gets its wings.' Atta boy, Clarence."

Anonymous said...

"He tried to build an Islamic community center, but one of the victims of 9-11 got him first."

 Konrad said...

And then God says, "One way or another, you will give me head, Reverend Phelps."

Gary P said...

"His head? I hear it was burned off with a giant magnifying glass."

 Konrad said...

Yep, that's the dumbass who tried to cut line in front of the Avenging Angel.

Anonymous said...

"No, it has to be invisible. Look where the halo is. It would be, like, 8 inches lower if it was - were - missing."

Richard H said...

"That reminds me, when God gets angry, one thing you should never says is, 'Don't bite my head off.'"

Anonymous said...

"Christ! Not another lost temple."

Rob

 Konrad said...

Hello! Anybody home?

Anonymous said...

So, what are we doing this week?

Walt said...

"'A little cleaver'? Nah, I'm pretty sure they used a big knife."

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, it’s funny how actually arriving here humbles you. That guy used to have a big head.”

---left coast Wayne

H. Lamar said...

"Bruce, you know my favorite Olympics were held in Noggin-No. Why do you ask?"

Anonymous said...

"It's one of Ed Gein's. The rest is a lampshade."

--Dex

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what a neck hole!

Glenn said...

Fuck.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Why, yes, a two-week New Yorker cartoon contest does feel like an eternity."

Spanky said...

"How do I know he was married? No more head."

Anonymous said...

"Ooh. I bet his kids aren't much to look at, either." -cta

Anonymous said...

"Someone told him that the expansion of the universe is accelerating. I think he's trying to wrap his head around that." -cta

Anonymous said...

"Women always leave the toilet up."

dwilk

 Konrad said...

It started as a small hole in his sinus, but after an eternity of snorting coke..., well, see for yourself.

 Konrad said...

He had the bad luck to be in the waiting room the day Ted Kaczynski's son was born.

Anonymous said...

Well fucketh me.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

New Policy. We're starting to let in organ donors.

Jim Cavanaugh

the liberaltarian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
scott said...

"Holy shit, Bro-hem! Nega Ninja fucked that dude's shit up."

jim M said...

"A circumcision gone horribly wrong."

JohnnyB said...

If you want to see it, just google "decapitated"

Anonymous said...

"Why would J.D. Salinger have a toilet like that?"

Anonymous said...

God got sick of him trying to tell people what was funny.

Anonymous said...

"They said we'd never be hungry in heaven."

Walt said...

"'A little clever'? Nah, I'm pretty sure they used a big knife. Yeah I know, it doesn't make sense any more, but I gotta stay current with the version updates."

Anonymous said...

First one to crap through his halo on a fly-over wins. Wanna give it a shot?

Jim Cavanaugh

Jimenezhrcx said...

God got sick of him trying to tell people what was funny.

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al in la

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.