The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #251

UPDATE: The New Yorker is taking yet another well deserved week off so this contest continues. Keep adding Anti-Captions related to the above image and at the end of the week I will validate the best ones. Feel free to use obscure references and trivia. You can't stump Google me. --al in la

WINNER (WEEK TWO)
Why, yes, a two-week New Yorker cartoon contest does feel like an eternity." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Predictably, the handful of second-week entries submitted here where really lame unspectacular. So let's just say this one was picked for its ironic honesty or something. Please note: I have something to do tonight so I may not be able to post this week's cartoon until tomorrow. No need to call 911. Just be patient. )

WINNER
The urinals get more imaginative every year. -- bone guy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: When I saw the image, I also thought the headless angel might be a novelty bathroom fixture. While I personally have no interest in pissing in, say, a clown’s mouth, a Google search of “creative urinals” yielded dozens of unusual venues for men’s pee. Still, I have always assumed we will no longer produce bodily waste products once we reach heaven. [Even though there is, of course, cold Heineken on tap every where you go.] That’s why I think this works better if we assume it’s a trendy club running a theme party. )

SECOND PLACE
"Ohhhh, Jesus-Mary-Joseph, they turned the 'Splendid Splinter' into the 'Unusual Urinal'." --Molly O'Flanagan (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Funny on a few levels, cruel and esoteric. Ted Williams, whose lean frame and prissy demeanor earned him the stupid nickname, “Splendid Splinter,” reportedly had his noggin posthumously removed and stored in a freezer for possible later use. Now, in heaven, his body is a receptacle for used beer. I like it! Also, novelty urinals are, in fact, an unfortunate development in plumbing. I like the alliteration but this assumes that a Red Sox could go to heaven. While Pumpsie Green is a lock and Mets fans may lobby for Buckner, that’s pretty much it. “A” for effort.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Oh, that's Ralph Ellison...God's ironic." --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Nice irony. Ellison is the author of “Invisible Man” which is about the disenfranchisement of American black men. A truly ironic God would help a brother get elected President of a country with a racist history.)

"He died in a topless bar." --Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: One of several obscure references in the contest this week. Naturally I understood them all. This references a famous 1982 NY Post front page “Headless Body In Topless Bar.” I have always thought of the Post as a necessary evil. )


"Christ! Not another lost temple."--Rob (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This was submitted just after 6 pm on Sunday. I include it to demonstrate that I consider every cap entered up until the moment I get around to dealing with this stuff.)

That's Claude Rains. -- JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: He played the invisible man in a movie, the name of which I can not recall.)

"I remember when he said that the Internet was a series of tubes. It's not so funny, now." --Gary P (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Ted Stevens was a grumpy, ineloquent man who lent himself to easy ridicule. I liked him a lot more as an ex-senator. But he was also a WWII war hero who backed down from no one. May he rest in peace.)

The last words he heard were, "Heads up!"--JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I get this. I have long feared that my last words will be something like “I’ll bet that thing’s not even loaded.” )
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When Vinnie threatened to pinch his head off and shit in the hole he turned the other cheek. That's why he's here. --Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Threats from tough guys can be very creative. That's what this tells us. )

"Ah, the true cost of being an organ donor." --J. Mansfield (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The attribution references Jane Mansfield's grusome death in 1967. She was not decapitiated, so this is not funny. Here’s how this can be funny: Imagine a Far Side cartoon with of two big guys from the Salvation Army hauling away a huge pipe organ from a church. The befuddled choir members are saddened that they have no music. Only then does this caption work.)

"Oh, that poor sap. His wife brought him to a Natalie Merchant concert last night, and after 12 straight musical interpretations of 19th century children's poetry he had no choice but to blow his own head off with a shotgun. Understanding his limited options, God couldn't really hold it against him, except the missing head part." --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Funny but flawed. There is no excuse for a married guy to go to such an event. It’s something you do when you’re trying to get laid dating. You know: “A gallery opening! On Super Bowl Sunday! Of course, I’d love to go! ” )

The tailors weren't expecting Gary Coleman so soon. --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The small fry actor is in there somewhere. We get it. Just not funny.)

It's Vic Morrow. He's waiting for John Landis to try and get in.--Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Got it. Helicopter blades. Twilight Zone. Eric continues to reach far and wide. )

Now it makes sense. I just saw Ichabod Crane look like he saw a ghost."--Kathy H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: So the murderous Headless Horseman made it to heaven? Good to know the bar is so low.)

"Oh, that's Blue Robot after one choice uppercut from Red. Teacher says, 'every time a robot neck goes "aaaaaaaaaaaaah", a headless toy robot angel gets its wings.' Atta boy, Clarence." --Boothle Boothle (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A hybrid cap references to Rock'em Sock'em Robots and “It’s a Wonderful Life.” To what end, I don‘t know.)

"I used to think Leviticus 20:13 was bullshit." --Glenn (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is about an Old Testament passage condemning gay men. [I believe lesbians get a pass if they tickle each other while wearing sexy lingerie.] The Good Book also says: "Slaves, obey your human masters with fear and trembling." (Ephesians 6:5) and "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out" (Matthew 5:29). So there is a lot to cherry pick from. That’s all I‘m saying.)
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"I guess it was a banner day for science down there. Still, I'll miss Ted Williams head..." -cta (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A similar theme to the second place winner but it makes no sense. Why would you miss the head of someone who never won a World Series?)

I know how he feels. Third in the AL West - who'da thunk it?--Mike Sociopath (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The AL West is just this side of the Special Olympics. But this is only funny to Dodger fans--which means it‘s not funny to me at all. )

"I've gotten used to most aspects of heavenly living: the halos, the flying, the restricted internet access, and even the decapitated angels. But this shitting openly into a puffy cloud is still kind of weird for me." --mpm (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I too thought the headless angel was on the throne. Great minds…)

I know, man. What good is being in heaven without "Cathy"? --Optimus Sub-Prime (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Good riddance to a dumb ass cartoon strip that often makes The Family Circus look edgy. )

Radosh says..."Why not
Cathy Guisewite?" --Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is all over the map. So I’ll just say “Trust me, I get it.”)
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"...so then the big guy says 'Shut up Bob, everyone knows your head is a clip on,' and gives him a little smack. We were all like 'Holy shit!'"--NAMBY (JUDGE’S COMMENT: God would not do that, but knowing that He could makes this a little tiny bit funny. Also good use of a classic. )

"Daniel Pearl. Anybody else would have gotten his head back, but God's got a thing against Jews these days." --Glenn (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is probably the most tasteless and insensitive entry in the history of the contest. It‘s not even funny. A little clever, maybe. Also, if it was just simply the name of the innocent man who was brutally slaughtered by terrorists, it might have worked better. [Maybe with a question mark.] The added shit about the Jews is extraneous and the “these days” part is historically inaccurate. The Jews have been persecuted from above and below since time immortal.)
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Shouldn't it have been Christopher HITCHENS' [not Hitchen's] comment . . .?--Hare Splitter (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is a comment on last week's comments. At least someone noticed.)-
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