Sunday, August 1, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #250








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RESULTS With Guest Commentary from Christopher Hitchens


NOTE: Christopher Hitchens is a gifted and brutally honest writer who has a rare condition called "brass balls." (Care to guess how he researched a piece that condemned water boarding as torture?) As many of you might have heard, this brilliant author and world renowned cynic has been stricken with a very serious and possibly grave illness. As I read his essay, The Topic of Cancer, in the most recent issue of Vanity Fair, I was moved, saddened and made to feel selfish and stupid for lamenting my petty troubles.

“Hitch” is someone I have long admired and only sometimes agree with. I admittedly have been influenced by his style and mental agility. He is confronting his health crisis with characteristic wit and grace. He reminds us that defiance is the opposite of denial. Those who admire him--or anyone who knows him for that matter--expect he will confront this latest development with the ferocity he usually reserves for Kissinger, Clinton and the Pope.

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It’s been rumored that Chris is a big fan of, and occasional contributor to, the Anti-Caption Contest. As an amargue to this uniquely talented author, a friend of a friend asked him to judge this week’s Anti Cap contest. He declined, of course. ("I rather pick through the contents of a colonoscopy bag while fellating Sean Hannity at a JayZ concert," he reportedly said.) So, after some give and take, I picked the winners and the voice of Hitch sardonically provides the comments. (As you read them, it helps if you imagine a British accent speaking in slightly detached, measured tones.)
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Be strong old man, lots of people are pulling for you.--al in la



WINNER
"Blackheads? I don't see any blackheads. But then again, this is a New Yorker cartoon."-- Richard H (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I am advised that cheap shots are encouraged here, so hence this winner. It may fit your beloved Anti-Cap culture, but it is little more than a crass attack on a publication that is more dear to writers than cheap whiskey. It was no doubt lobbed by a self-loathing liberal who counts blacks among “some of his closest friends.” That it was submitted by someone who fancies himself a writer makes it all the more grating. Congratulations, Richard. How proud you must be. )

SECOND PLACE
"I give you fifteen minutes to live, just enough time to show you my giant stamp collection." --Rob (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I’m new to this and hate to quibble but “collection of giant stamps” might be more appropriate as it pertains to the size of the stamps rather than the breadth of the collection. And if the stamps are so big, why employ a magnifying glass? Like Nixon's bombing of Laos, it strikes me as clumsy and illogical. I do not, however, deny it’s intrinsic humor value. There is also a level of childish absurdity, which I believe is rewarded in this forum.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You've come to the right place for your little proctological 'problem'. As my display shows, I've removed everything from champagne corks to sea cucumbers to sushi rolls from up there. A light bulb is a routine procedure- the corkscrew compact fluorescent makes it a bit more complicated. Next time, find a better way to 'go green'." --LV (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Evoked here are twisted Florescent light bulbs that are far more sensible for the environment and save on utility costs. They also look strange and retail at a noticeably higher price than standard bulbs. To no one’s surprise that have been slow to catch on with the American public--except this poor chap who, evidently, has one lodged up his ass. )


Lean back, open your legs and cough. --Austin in PA (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I fail to see why the patient’s compliance with this odd request would legitimize use of such a hideous device. But I fully recognize the sexual over tones and, in turn, the irony.)


"You have Vey's Syndrome, whereby the cranium looks like a parking meter."--dwilk (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: A rather perceptive assessment of a cartoon style that recalls the doodlings of a bored middle school student. The protruding eye is becoming as predicable as it is annoying. One wonders if PC is an acronym for “Perpetually Clueless.”)


I know it doesn't make any sense, but before your HMO will cover any treatment you're required to jump through this --Austin in PA (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: A fitting reminder that bureaucracy has had a more devastating effect on American heath than Wendy’s and Taco Bell combined. )


This is the magnifying glass that was stuck in your rectum. You're welcome. --mpm (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Similar in theme to the previous entry, yet not nearly as imaginative. It was suggested to me that anal humor is very much in vogue here. So be it.)


"Romper Stomper Bomper Doo. Tell me, tell me, tell me true. Tell me magic mirror today, did all my friends have fun at play?" miss_peggy (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Here, the object we assume to be a giant magnifying glass is actually a means of surveillance specifically designed to pry into the private living space of small children. It’s from an old American children’s TV show called “Romper Room.” Obscure references that warm the hearts of aging baby boomers are somehow deemed noteworthy here. Again I say, so be it.)



"Oh, Carl. If you could only see what I see in you. I love every spider mite in your nostrils." --Gary P (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Specifying the exact type of mite, is distracting and superfluous. As best I can tell, the humor value here is derived from mocking obsessive devotion. A slippery-slope indeed.)


Hold still while I burn it off... this might sting a little.--Jim Cavanaugh (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: We are not told what, in fact, he plans to burn off. A large magnifying glass of this sort would presumably have intense strength. That does not explain why this might be considered funny or provocative or whatever it is you people do here.)


It's a fan with no blades! What the fuck? --Walt (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: “Blade-less fan” seems like an obvious oxymoron, not unlike “rap music” or “Fox News.” They are endlessly hawked on late night TV ads with a serious sounding Brit sporting an ill-advised hair style. These air-pushing devices are typically priced at over $250. Another rather tiresome effort to pick the pockets of those wealthy and easily fooled.)

"We've had a lot of laughs here this week, but there's nothing funny about the overuse of oversized objects in un-captioned cartoons. So if you see a cartoon using incongruously large objects for 'comic' effect, please contact the anti-cap....SHIT...argh...no, NO! Too late... they're coming for me... tiny, badly drawn men with GIANT FORKS AND PENCILS...HELP, help.....oh, the humanity..." --mort drucker (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: For the sake of convenience we’ll attribute this to a drug-addled entrant with an abundance of time and a scarcity of imagination. )



Nothing funny about oversized captions either.--Anonymous

(CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I am advised that this was submitted exactly 30 minutes after the previous entry. One wonders why it took so long.)

Chad's insensitive and much more successful twin brother, Remy, lets Chad have a better look at what he could have been had he not knocked up that promiscuous little whore, Gwendolyn, back in high school. --Anonymous (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Presumably the depths of Chad’s pathetic existence include horrible vision. I suggest that if his teen years involved fucking someone named Gwendolyn, he was the envy of his peers.)



It's a gravitational lens. That's why it's sucking the eyes out of our heads. --Eric G (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I assure you it’s not the only thing that is sucking here. PC Vey’s tendency to render eyes that appear to be exiting their sockets is an unfortunate trademark. Some might suggest that “magnetic” would be far more logical than “gravitational,” but hair-splitting might encourage an unwanted rebuttal.)



"This? We use it to euthanize aunts." --Anonymous (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Not unlike Bush using the Constitution to justify torture, sadistic children on the fast track to becoming serial killers often dispatch ants using sunshine and a magnifying glass. This is a troubling play on words but a fitting parable about the abuse of power. )



"That's right. I'm admitting you to the I See You I.C.U." --Tim H (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: An obvious pun made more so by the need to explain that “I.C.U.” can also mean “I see you.” The author of this entry must assume he is writing for a simpleton. )



I would have gone with a simple "Welcome to the I.C.U.", but who can blame Tim H. for assuming al in la needs it spelled out.Very funny, Tim H. --

JohnnyB (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Oh. I see. My apologies.)


“I'm transfering you to the eye see you. "--Brian l (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: You begin to believe the late arrivals to this contest cannot be troubled to read the preceding entries. This is also written by someone who believes the reader cannot be trusted to understand that I.C.U. can be a pun [he also believes there exists only one “r“ in the word “transferring.”] )


"I stole it from the Claes Oldenburg retrospective." --Rob (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: This entrant is to be congratulated for being vaguely aware of a Swedish sculptor who is acclaimed for rendering large replicas of everyday objects. Since he did nothing more with this information, we can assume he seeks only a pat-on-the-back for this bit of knowledge. Pat. Pat.)


I'm required to inform you that this anesthesia may temporarily leave your head in a frying pan shape. Hold still.--
JohnnyB (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: We can safely assume he will be maligned as a “porcupine” and/or “knucklehead.” Expect the firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe to handle the inevitable litigation.)


Oh, it's you, Fusilli, you crazy bastard. How are you? -- JohnnyB (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I am advised that this is an inside joke that is mildly amusing to a small number of people. This Johnny-fellow isn‘t very good at this, is he?)


In fact many EXOPHTHALMOS sufferers make a good living in New Yorker cartoons. Let me put you in touch with my friend Leo Cullum.--Roger Kaputnik (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Once again an entry designed primarily to showcase the entrant’s acquired knowledge. He is referencing a condition that produces an abnormal protrusion of the eyeball, as well as a cartoonist only slightly more talented than Mr. Vey. )
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"I think you should see a doctor." --Annonymous (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Possibly my personal favorite because it is more of an observation than a recommendation. Also an apt reminder that we should seek professional advice in areas beyond finance and interior design. )


The "When It's Your Body, Every Little Ache and Pain and Mole and Malignancy is Magnified Clinic" sees its first patient. --

Glenn. (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Not the most catchy name, I grant you, having done the research I can confirm the truth here is undeniable.)

"You have a corneal abrasion of the right eye." *


* Actual diagnosis on Saturday, July 31, after Tim H poked himself in the eye with his reading glasses...yes, reading glasses (ironic, no?)

Thank God it does not affect his ability to anti-caption. Thank God! --Tim H (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Or thank the Easter Bunny if that’s the fairly tale from which you derive comfort. I will gladly trade my diagnosis for yours. But one does not need glasses to see that. Moving forward, Tim, if you are a coffee drinker, do remember to take the spoon out before sipping.)




119 comments:

Sarah said...

"Wow, you really are THAT fucking ugly."

 Konrad said...

This is so cool! Does my eye look that fucking big too?

 Konrad said...

Yep, it's a melanoma, and a damn big one too! I say you have about ten..., nine..., eight... well, anyway, not much longer to live.

Anonymous said...

In fact many EXOPHTHALMOS sufferers make a good living in New Yorker cartoons. Let me put you in touch with my friend Leo Cullum.

-Roger Kaputnik

fredturd said...

This device will enlarge the size of your penis tenfold...

fredturd said...

Obamacare prescibes that we now must burn off your suspect moles with this in the parking lot - plus, it is also carbon friendly!

Anonymous said...

"Christ, that pimple on my forehead just won't go away."

Rob

Austin in PA said...

So now that we've removed this obstruction from your colon, the pain should lessen considerably. How does it feel to sit now?

Austin in PA said...

No, but I play one on tv.

JohnnyB said...

I'm required to inform you that this anesthesia may temporarily leave your head in a frying pan shape. Hold still.

Glenn said...

"With enough sunlight, we should be able to burn the shit out of you with this."

JohnnyB said...

As a doctor I am not allowed to end your life. But if you were to happen to leave this by the window and accidentally sit in the magnified sun's rays, well ...

JohnnyB said...

Oh, it's you, Fusilli, you crazy bastard. How are you?

Anonymous said...

"You have Vey's Syndrome, whereby the cranium looks like a parking meter."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"I stole it from the Claes Oldenburg retrospective."

Rob

Anonymous said...

"But the most cutbacks were in radiology."

dwilk

Eric G said...

It's a gravitational lens. That's why it's sucking the eyes out of our heads.

Eric G said...

DeVry does TOO have a medical school. It says right on that there wall. Now drop your shorts.

Eric G said...

Hold still. The Proteus will be coming out any minute now...

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"You have a corneal abrasion of the right eye." *

* Actual diagnosis on Saturday, July 31, after Tim H poked himself in the eye with his reading glasses...yes, reading glasses (ironic, no?). Thank God it does not affect his ability to anti-caption. Thank God!

Kirby said...

And you should see what it does to a baseball card in the little hibachi!

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Your admittance sheet says that you're Don Draper, but I can clearly see here that you are, in fact, Dick Whitman."

Walt said...

It's a fan with no blades! What the fuck?

David D. said...

"Look closely at my face. Do you see how serious my face is? You have cancer."

Anonymous said...

"How many magnifying glasses am I holding up now?"

Rob

boneguy said...

Leonard, you of people should know that their ain't no cure, there ain't no cure, there ain't no cure for love.

the liberaltarian said...

"The good news is, it's not cancer. The bad news is, it's the grossest booger I've ever seen!"

Dr. Alinla said...

"Mr. Blanston, on closer inspection, I see that you used the word 'your' twice last week in your (or is it you're) honorably-mentioned anti-cap. One of the uses was indeed incorrect, so I am deeply sorry for my unnecessary, rather short-sighted and mean-spirited english lesson. You are a very smart man, and I stink."

Eric G said...

Don't be alarmed. Micropenis is an elusive diagnosis.

JohnnyB said...

Well, JohnnyB, you are the pitcher of health, but be careful you don't catch anything from Kathy H.

JohnnyB said...

With this device I can see into your soul, which is covered with the black marks of sin. Wait, did I say, "see into your soul"? I meant, "into your pores", which are a disgusting morass of blackheads, pustules and scars.

Anonymous said...

"Don't worry. You're going to be okay. This is a kay lenz." (wtf?)

Anonymous said...

"The bad news is you're dying of skin cancer. The good news is it's expensive to treat."

dwilk

Richard H said...

"Yes, you do have an ugly whitehead, but I think I'll be able to remove it."

Richard H said...

"Blackheads? I don't see any blackheads. But then again, this is a New Yorker cartoon."

Anonymous said...

You're toast.

Jim Cavanaugh

Austin in PA said...

I know it doesn't make any sense, but before your HMO will cover any treatment you're required to jump through this.

Anonymous said...

"What school, you ask, did I graduate from? Elementary, my dear Watson. Elementary."


---blw

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Mr. Wilpon, I suggest you skip watching your Mets play the Braves and Phillies this week, OK?"

David D. said...

"Look at my giant novelty magnifying glass. Isn't it funny? Okay, enough joking around. You have cancer."

Anonymous said...

CORRECTION: Of course, I meant GONE surfin'.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Let's have a closer look at you.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

You have a melanoma, Mr. Evans, but let's not make a big deal out of it.

Rocko

David D. said...

"No I still can't make out what's wrong. Let me go and get my BIG magnifying glass."

Anonymous said...

There, there, Mr. J.D. I know you feel emasculated, but I'm sure we can find a set of nuts in there somewhere.

palofalinla

Richard H said...

"It never ceases to amaze me how many parasitic organisms can co-exist on a human face."

Richard H said...

"Just wait till you see the new device I'll be using for your anal probe."

miss_peggy said...

"Romper Stomper Bomper Doo. Tell me, tell me, tell me true. Tell me magic mirror today, did all my friends have fun at play?"

bubba said...

"Take this home, strip, place it in front of your nether region and she'll be yours for the taking. Whatever you do, don't look at her ass through it."

Anonymous said...

“Yes, Mr. Carroll, just step into the glass and everything will be fine. I promise you that it will turn your whole life around.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Can you hear me now???”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“Wow, would you look at this? Kinda’ makes that Stage 4 melanoma look pretty insignificant now, wouldn’t you say, Mr. Peterson?”

---blw

Anonymous said...

"Whoa . . . I think I just detected intelligent life orbiting your left nostril!”


---blw

L. Nimoy said...

Star Trek XVII: Bones hella-fucks- over a love-lorn Kirk by using the hand-held version of the Guardian of Forever to send him back repeatedly to pork then witness the death of the lovely Edith Keeler. (Edith :. Awrchieeee)

Sqidward said...

Why should I believe some doctor with
not one but TWO..two degrees from some jellyfish university?

J.S. Turtlehead said...

Now this should make your vasectomy a little easier Mr. Ropenis....or can I call you Mike?

Anonymous said...

You think this is big? Wait 'til you see my colonoscope.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Phalloplasty, you crazy bastard! What the fuck are you?

CRC

 Konrad said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to... thank me for the haircut. C'mon, isn't it to die for.

 Konrad said...

Don Draper this and Don that, I swear to fucking god, if you mention him or that stupid show once more, I'm going to tell your wife exactly what caused these nasty chancres.

mort drucker said...

"Stop doing that with your eye. Come on, pleeease... Aw crap. Now I'm doing it."

mort drucker said...

"If you think I'm making a mockery of this exam now, wait until you see my stethoscope. You're bulgy eye will pop right out. Ha ha ha. No. I mean it."

mort drucker said...

"A word of warning. Dr House will be in shortly and he will not need this outsized device to see into your soul. He will most likely laugh at your infirmities. He may even strike you. But in the end he will return your sight and speech and heal your mysterious bleeding ear syndrome. Now bulge your eye twice if you understand."

Anonymous said...

"I see trouble in your past, and blood in your mucous membrane."

Rob

LV said...

"You've come to the right place for your little proctological 'problem'. As my display shows, I've removed everything from champagne corks to sea cucumbers to sushi rolls from up there. A light bulb is a routine procedure- the corkscrew compact fluorescent makes it a bit more complicated. Next time, find a better way to 'go green'."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"That's right. I'm admitting you to the I See You I.C.U."

Anonymous said...

"You gotta' problem with this, Mr. Socrates, or whatever your real name is? Well, just remember, 'The unexamined life is not worth living.'"


---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

“You think this is big, buddy? Wait till you see the bill.”


---left coast Wayne

boneguy said...

I missed getting a Chuck Close by a few thousand at Christie's. This will have to for now.

HMO Doctor said...

"I'm farsighted, Cancer-face, why do you ask?"

Estranged son turned doctor said...

"Dad?"

JohnnyB said...

I would have gone with a simple "Welcome to the I.C.U.", but who can blame Tim H. for assuming al in la needs it spelled out.

Very funny, Tim H.

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I usually have a resident intern help me lug this thing, but this being August and all..."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

(Thanks, JohnnyB, I am all about the details. F'rinstance, I know never to put a space between Johnny and B. Also, you will not find a period after the H in Tim H. Except like that one at the end of a sentence. Just like Dr Pepper. Which reminds me: There used to be an actor named A Martinez. When he abbreviated his first name, did he add a period, as in A. Martinez? Just askin')

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

(...I mean Just askin'. <=== period)

Anonymous said...

"Try holding this fucker up yourself, ASSHOLE, and I'll pretend I'm dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease!"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Alright, Mr. J.D. If you can just hold this for me we'll proceed with that vasectomy.

palofalinla

 Konrad said...

You're looking somewhat shaky this morning.

Anonymous said...

"This? We use it to euthanize aunts."

Gary P said...

"So you take this giant glass vagina on a stick, and you hump it like this."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Well, Mr. Favre, it's time for you to retire."

Anonymous said...

"I'm transfering you to the eye see you. "
Brian l

Anonymous said...

I can clearly see your nuts... er, I can clearly see you're nuts... oh, fuck it, let al figure it out.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"You should meet our medical supplies salesperson . . . She's really hot."


---left Coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

Chad's insensitive and much more successful twin brother, Remy, lets Chad have a better look at what he could have been had he not knocked up that promiscuous little whore, Gwendolyn, back in high school.

anotherpalofalinla said...

"Wow, Mr. J.D., even your pores are assholes"

Anonymous said...

"I give you fifteen minutes to live, just enough time to show you my giant stamp collection."

Rob

Anonymous said...

"Your appendix may have type 3 perforations which could be worth money if it wasn't canceled."

dwilk

AW said...

Retire, now? Ptooey!

AW said...

Take a healthcare shortage and an 80-year-old, half-blind, tenured professor, and you have me as a microsurgeon. Any other questions?

cataract allante said...

just let me line this up with the window and your Kaiser eye-maggot removal treatment will begin. Oh and don't EVEN fucking blink!

Austin in PA said...

Lean back, open your legs and cough.

mpm said...

This is the magnifying glass that was stuck in your rectum. You're welcome.

Glenn said...

"This? I got it at a NASA garage sale."

Austin in PA said...

This is going to hurt, but if it makes you feel any better... aw, who am I kidding. On the count of three, think of England.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Don't let the term spook you, but I'm going to have to recommend you for a static kill."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord. Or something"

Anonymous said...

"Yes, we are twins . . . but I'm a doctor and I get to carry this huge magnifying glass"


---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

Hold still while I burn it off... this might sting a little.

Jim Cavanaugh

mort drucker said...

Welcome to Le Clinique Extreme, where everything is zany and over the top. In a minute my giant hammer will test your reflexes resulting in a shattered kneecap but don't worry-a laughably large syringe will administer a near lethal dose of morphine and you will be right as rain. Acid rain, that is. Now hold this thingamajig, while I defecate into my latex panties.

Anonymous said...

In an effort to cut down on fraudulent claims we've implemented a new facial recognition system.

Jim Cavanaugh

mort drucker said...

"We've had a lot of laughs here this week, but there's nothing funny about the overuse of oversized objects in un-captioned cartoons. So if you see a cartoon using incongruously large objects for 'comic' effect, please contact the anti-cap....SHIT...argh...no, NO! Too late... they're coming for me... tiny, badly drawn men with GIANT FORKS AND PENCILS...HELP, help.....oh, the humanity..."

Anonymous said...

Nothing funny about oversized captions either.

Anonymous said...

"Now that you mention it, al in la, you DO have some small traces of writing talent."

boneguy said...

The fact that you have chosen to wear a white miniskirt to my office, does in no way influence my judgement of you. Good news for you though, Prop 8 WAS overturned.

Eric G said...

I've never met another Cyclops before. I'll be damned. We even look alike, too.

Gary P said...

"Oh, Carl. If you could only see what I see in you. I love every spider mite in your nostrils."

Steve_O said...

"It's an eye magnet, obviously."

mpm said...

"The lollipops here are obscene."

Richard H said...

"The laser's broken, but trust me, this is just as good."

Glenn said...

The "When It's Your Body, Every Little Ache and Pain and Mole and Malignancy is Magnified Clinic" sees its first patient.

Anonymous said...

"I think you should see a doctor."

Anonymous said...

"Don't worry. Adding "alinla" to your Spellcheck dictionary doesn't mean you're sick"

Lesst Drucker said...

McGaugh and J.D. measure one another's ability to annoy.

Gary P said...

"You are getting sleepy. Your eyelids are staring to droop. Soon you won't be able to keep your eyes open. Aaah!"

Anonymous said...

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. A really, really BIG TV."

Satireguy said...

"Say eye."

Anonymous said...

Yes, 2nd degree burns over 55% of your body will certainly qualify you for a medical marijuana card.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Have you read his book, "Hitch-22?" Outstanding read. You got his "style" down. Although I think he'd have issues about the "no blacks" in the toon end of the NY. Anyway, thanks for the hard work it makes the beginning of my week.

Chris T

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.