The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #250

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RESULTS With Guest Commentary from Christopher Hitchens


NOTE: Christopher Hitchens is a gifted and brutally honest writer who has a rare condition called "brass balls." (Care to guess how he researched a piece that condemned water boarding as torture?) As many of you might have heard, this brilliant author and world renowned cynic has been stricken with a very serious and possibly grave illness. As I read his essay, The Topic of Cancer, in the most recent issue of Vanity Fair, I was moved, saddened and made to feel selfish and stupid for lamenting my petty troubles.

“Hitch” is someone I have long admired and only sometimes agree with. I admittedly have been influenced by his style and mental agility. He is confronting his health crisis with characteristic wit and grace. He reminds us that defiance is the opposite of denial. Those who admire him--or anyone who knows him for that matter--expect he will confront this latest development with the ferocity he usually reserves for Kissinger, Clinton and the Pope.
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It’s been rumored that Chris is a big fan of, and occasional contributor to, the Anti-Caption Contest. As an amargue to this uniquely talented author, a friend of a friend asked him to judge this week’s Anti Cap contest. He declined, of course. ("I rather pick through the contents of a colonoscopy bag while fellating Sean Hannity at a JayZ concert," he reportedly said.) So, after some give and take, I picked the winners and the voice of Hitch sardonically provides the comments. (As you read them, it helps if you imagine a British accent speaking in slightly detached, measured tones.)
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Be strong old man, lots of people are pulling for you.--al in la



WINNER
"Blackheads? I don't see any blackheads. But then again, this is a New Yorker cartoon."-- Richard H (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I am advised that cheap shots are encouraged here, so hence this winner. It may fit your beloved Anti-Cap culture, but it is little more than a crass attack on a publication that is more dear to writers than cheap whiskey. It was no doubt lobbed by a self-loathing liberal who counts blacks among “some of his closest friends.” That it was submitted by someone who fancies himself a writer makes it all the more grating. Congratulations, Richard. How proud you must be. )

SECOND PLACE
"I give you fifteen minutes to live, just enough time to show you my giant stamp collection." --Rob (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I’m new to this and hate to quibble but “collection of giant stamps” might be more appropriate as it pertains to the size of the stamps rather than the breadth of the collection. And if the stamps are so big, why employ a magnifying glass? Like Nixon's bombing of Laos, it strikes me as clumsy and illogical. I do not, however, deny it’s intrinsic humor value. There is also a level of childish absurdity, which I believe is rewarded in this forum.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You've come to the right place for your little proctological 'problem'. As my display shows, I've removed everything from champagne corks to sea cucumbers to sushi rolls from up there. A light bulb is a routine procedure- the corkscrew compact fluorescent makes it a bit more complicated. Next time, find a better way to 'go green'." --LV (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Evoked here are twisted Florescent light bulbs that are far more sensible for the environment and save on utility costs. They also look strange and retail at a noticeably higher price than standard bulbs. To no one’s surprise that have been slow to catch on with the American public--except this poor chap who, evidently, has one lodged up his ass. )


Lean back, open your legs and cough. --Austin in PA (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I fail to see why the patient’s compliance with this odd request would legitimize use of such a hideous device. But I fully recognize the sexual over tones and, in turn, the irony.)


"You have Vey's Syndrome, whereby the cranium looks like a parking meter."--dwilk (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: A rather perceptive assessment of a cartoon style that recalls the doodlings of a bored middle school student. The protruding eye is becoming as predicable as it is annoying. One wonders if PC is an acronym for “Perpetually Clueless.”)


I know it doesn't make any sense, but before your HMO will cover any treatment you're required to jump through this --Austin in PA (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: A fitting reminder that bureaucracy has had a more devastating effect on American heath than Wendy’s and Taco Bell combined. )


This is the magnifying glass that was stuck in your rectum. You're welcome. --mpm (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Similar in theme to the previous entry, yet not nearly as imaginative. It was suggested to me that anal humor is very much in vogue here. So be it.)


"Romper Stomper Bomper Doo. Tell me, tell me, tell me true. Tell me magic mirror today, did all my friends have fun at play?" miss_peggy (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Here, the object we assume to be a giant magnifying glass is actually a means of surveillance specifically designed to pry into the private living space of small children. It’s from an old American children’s TV show called “Romper Room.” Obscure references that warm the hearts of aging baby boomers are somehow deemed noteworthy here. Again I say, so be it.)



"Oh, Carl. If you could only see what I see in you. I love every spider mite in your nostrils." --Gary P (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Specifying the exact type of mite, is distracting and superfluous. As best I can tell, the humor value here is derived from mocking obsessive devotion. A slippery-slope indeed.)


Hold still while I burn it off... this might sting a little.--Jim Cavanaugh (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: We are not told what, in fact, he plans to burn off. A large magnifying glass of this sort would presumably have intense strength. That does not explain why this might be considered funny or provocative or whatever it is you people do here.)


It's a fan with no blades! What the fuck? --Walt (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: “Blade-less fan” seems like an obvious oxymoron, not unlike “rap music” or “Fox News.” They are endlessly hawked on late night TV ads with a serious sounding Brit sporting an ill-advised hair style. These air-pushing devices are typically priced at over $250. Another rather tiresome effort to pick the pockets of those wealthy and easily fooled.)

"We've had a lot of laughs here this week, but there's nothing funny about the overuse of oversized objects in un-captioned cartoons. So if you see a cartoon using incongruously large objects for 'comic' effect, please contact the anti-cap....SHIT...argh...no, NO! Too late... they're coming for me... tiny, badly drawn men with GIANT FORKS AND PENCILS...HELP, help.....oh, the humanity..." --mort drucker (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: For the sake of convenience we’ll attribute this to a drug-addled entrant with an abundance of time and a scarcity of imagination. )



Nothing funny about oversized captions either.--Anonymous
(CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I am advised that this was submitted exactly 30 minutes after the previous entry. One wonders why it took so long.)

Chad's insensitive and much more successful twin brother, Remy, lets Chad have a better look at what he could have been had he not knocked up that promiscuous little whore, Gwendolyn, back in high school. --Anonymous (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Presumably the depths of Chad’s pathetic existence include horrible vision. I suggest that if his teen years involved fucking someone named Gwendolyn, he was the envy of his peers.)


It's a gravitational lens. That's why it's sucking the eyes out of our heads. --Eric G (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I assure you it’s not the only thing that is sucking here. PC Vey’s tendency to render eyes that appear to be exiting their sockets is an unfortunate trademark. Some might suggest that “magnetic” would be far more logical than “gravitational,” but hair-splitting might encourage an unwanted rebuttal.)



"This? We use it to euthanize aunts." --Anonymous (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Not unlike Bush using the Constitution to justify torture, sadistic children on the fast track to becoming serial killers often dispatch ants using sunshine and a magnifying glass. This is a troubling play on words but a fitting parable about the abuse of power. )



"That's right. I'm admitting you to the I See You I.C.U." --Tim H (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: An obvious pun made more so by the need to explain that “I.C.U.” can also mean “I see you.” The author of this entry must assume he is writing for a simpleton. )



I would have gone with a simple "Welcome to the I.C.U.", but who can blame Tim H. for assuming al in la needs it spelled out.Very funny, Tim H. --
JohnnyB (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Oh. I see. My apologies.)


“I'm transfering you to the eye see you. "--Brian l (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: You begin to believe the late arrivals to this contest cannot be troubled to read the preceding entries. This is also written by someone who believes the reader cannot be trusted to understand that I.C.U. can be a pun [he also believes there exists only one “r“ in the word “transferring.”] )


"I stole it from the Claes Oldenburg retrospective." --Rob (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: This entrant is to be congratulated for being vaguely aware of a Swedish sculptor who is acclaimed for rendering large replicas of everyday objects. Since he did nothing more with this information, we can assume he seeks only a pat-on-the-back for this bit of knowledge. Pat. Pat.)


I'm required to inform you that this anesthesia may temporarily leave your head in a frying pan shape. Hold still.--JohnnyB (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: We can safely assume he will be maligned as a “porcupine” and/or “knucklehead.” Expect the firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe to handle the inevitable litigation.)


Oh, it's you, Fusilli, you crazy bastard. How are you? -- JohnnyB (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: I am advised that this is an inside joke that is mildly amusing to a small number of people. This Johnny-fellow isn‘t very good at this, is he?)


In fact many EXOPHTHALMOS sufferers make a good living in New Yorker cartoons. Let me put you in touch with my friend Leo Cullum.--Roger Kaputnik (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Once again an entry designed primarily to showcase the entrant’s acquired knowledge. He is referencing a condition that produces an abnormal protrusion of the eyeball, as well as a cartoonist only slightly more talented than Mr. Vey. )
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"I think you should see a doctor." --Annonymous (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Possibly my personal favorite because it is more of an observation than a recommendation. Also an apt reminder that we should seek professional advice in areas beyond finance and interior design. )


The "When It's Your Body, Every Little Ache and Pain and Mole and Malignancy is Magnified Clinic" sees its first patient. --
Glenn. (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Not the most catchy name, I grant you, having done the research I can confirm the truth here is undeniable.)

"You have a corneal abrasion of the right eye." *


* Actual diagnosis on Saturday, July 31, after Tim H poked himself in the eye with his reading glasses...yes, reading glasses (ironic, no?)
Thank God it does not affect his ability to anti-caption. Thank God! --Tim H (CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' COMMENT: Or thank the Easter Bunny if that’s the fairly tale from which you derive comfort. I will gladly trade my diagnosis for yours. But one does not need glasses to see that. Moving forward, Tim, if you are a coffee drinker, do remember to take the spoon out before sipping.)