Monday, July 26, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #249


Note: It was only a few weeks ago that we had a suit & tie guy standing on a beach holding a surf board while talking to a life guard. This week, we are presented with an office drone talking to a glum looking exec type seated in a life guard chair. What better place to attempt irony than in an office setting (I always say). Proof once again that in cartooning, as in life, there are no new ideas; only old ideas that you hope people have forgotten.
Submit an AntiCap that is funny, ironic, pathetic; or all of the above . Enjoy!
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WINNER

You're highered.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is brilliant in its simplicity. Jim’s pun for “hired” is so stupid its clever (at least in comparison to everything else this week). There is a Zen-like quality that explains why there is a lifeguard chair in an office setting. It also reflects that the “life guard” is NOT the one doing the talking. This is something many Anti-Capper got wrong this week. Nice work Jim!)
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SECOND PLACE
Everybody's goin' surfin', surfin' CPA. -- Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The lyrics to that classic song say “GONE Surfin’” I will forgive that goof because CPA rhymes with USA.)
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HONORABLE MENTIONS
"OK, OK, This'll be fun! Take off your clothes, and pretend your drowning in paperwork"
--Gern Blanston One minute later: "G.B." added: "You're"...whatever (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Mostly, this is funny because Gern got it right the first time than issued an unnecessary correction. [ It‘s a careless common mistake. “You’re” is short for “you are.”] That said, this is mildly clever and it has a slightly gay theme so it makes the cut. UPDATE: Naturally, I assumed the correction applied to the first use of "your." The second "your" should, in fact, be "you're." I guess you can see I sometimes don't read the whole caption--who has time? )

Sir, it has come to my attention that, in violation of company policy, Johnny B. and Kathy H. are engaged in an office romance. --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This references a creepy touching exchange of flirtatious captions. Stay tuned to see who’s gonna pitch and who’s gonna catch.)

"I'm glad to see you've found suitable employment Mr. Paul, but tell me; if I should get into trouble out there, do you get to decide whether or not you want to rescue me?"--Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Recycled from the May 24 contest which also featured a lifeguard. It still kind of works. Go back and see, if you don’t believe me.)

al in ny--dwilk (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I appreciate the nod but I’m not much of a beach guy or a suit and tie guy on either coast.)

"I got it at IKEA and it was a bitch to put together." --Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: If IKEA opened a supermarket they'd sell you an egg and call it a chicken The instructions would say that when the egg hatches, simply raise it , kill it and pluck it-- and you got yourself a chicken. That's how I feel about IKEA [This one hit a nerve, I guess you can see.])

"OK, the SEC will be here any minute, Frank. You're doing great. I think we can beat this rap with the Hasselhoff defense." --
Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Which means Frank is either a drunk or a terrible actor. Maybe both.)

August 6, 1945:"Like I said, we're not signing the damn Potsdam Declaration, and I don't know what the hell you mean by a mushroom behind me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm implementing our radical new office kaizen. " --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: The Potdam thing is when Japan surrendered and “kaizen” is Japanese for “new way.” This might have been more racist funny if it included a "So sorry." This also begins a string of obscure references.)

Uh, isn't that the point?--LV (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I am guessing this is a reference to Barry's answer as to whether he inhaled. Since the man in the chair is "high" it makes the point. )

"Bodhi, this is your fucking wake-up call man. I am an F, B, I, Agent!" --holden_c (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Swayze’s character in Point Break. Best part of that movie was the Nixon masks.)

"What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?" --the_word (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Travolta’s character in Grease. I get that, but this cap is still pretty lame.)

"Sarbanes–Oxley is the only lifeguard I need, so go fuck yourself" --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A reference to the finance industry’s aversion to government regulation. But life guards aren’t really cops. This would have worked better if it had a “bail-out” angle. )

Don Draper, after his most recent trip to Southern California. --Anonymous (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Don would be smoking his Luckys and banging some starry eyed secretary.)

Shut the door. Have a seat. --
JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: My wife tells me this is what Don said when was firing a guy. I thought it was a reference to what Chris Hansen used to say to those snared on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator.” Either way.)

"It's an Aeron, bitch!" --Sun Qil Mun (JUDGE’S COMMENT: That is a type of chain with kind of a mesh back. So?)

"My name is Al. And, here in L.A. we do things differently. Capiche?" --Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Okay, here’s an obscure reference for you guys: Why would this be funny if is said “red cabbage” instead of “Capiche.” Hint: “Because you crack me so consistently up.”)

“Sure it’s a nice beach . . . but a long way to the water.”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: At Riis Park it felt like we were crossing the Sierra to get near the water. It's like that in L.A. too. I think this cap makes that point. )

"No, Mr. Hayward, I expect you to...
go to Siberia and love it!" --Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Tim was kind enough to provide a link to a news story that says the former BP exec was being “transferred” to this new location. He resigned. That's what rich people do.)

"So, al in la doesn't know the difference between #s 246 and 249 . . . does that give you the right to sit up there and make a mockery of this Anti-Cap Contest???"---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I cut and paste the headline from the previous week and sometimes forget to update the number. That doesn’t make me a bad person.)

"I've heard of working vacations, but this—aw, screw it; it's really not worth the effort, is it?"PS: Will Al get the Point Break, Grease, and Mad Men references? Tune in next week! --
Mike Mariano (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Done, done and done-- although my wife had to help with one of the Man Men references. And yes Mike, it is worth the effort.)
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93 comments:

LV said...

"Now you're embarrassing me, Dad."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Y'know, you ain't exactly Pamela Anderson."

Anonymous said...

"Well, I...no...you go first."
"Well, I...no...you go first."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"My name is Al. And, here in L.A. we do things differently. Capiche?"

JohnnyB said...

"You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!"

Note: this one is for Kathy H, whom I worship from afar.

JohnnyB said...

Fenster, if I get in too deep with these loan sharks, I'm looking to you to save me.

Joshua said...

"Why the lifeguard chair?"

JohnnyB said...

Shut the door. Have a seat.

Beerinm'Ear said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beerinm'Ear said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Walt said...

Yes, I gave the drowned guy's body to the little girl instead of you, even though you're from New York. Get over it.

Beerinm'Ear said...

"I'll give THEM 'no more casual Fridays' . . ."

(sorry about the aborted posts before- I'm new here! Cool site.)

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I told you before, JohnnyB, we're playing high stakes poker."

Walt said...

My eyes are up here.

boneguy said...

As the corporate ergonomist, I am obliged to inform you that your current seating configuration will lead to neck and lower back problems in the long term and numerous splinters in your ass in the short term.

boneguy said...

If there's a more efficient way to combine work and vacation, we will refund your money fully.

holden_c said...

"Bodhi, this is your fucking wake-up call man. I am an F, B, I, Agent!"

the_word said...

"What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?"

Anonymous said...

"Sarbanes–Oxley is the only lifeguard I need, so go fuck yourself"

Anonymous said...

Don Draper, after his most recent trip to Southern California.

Sun Qil Mun said...

"It's an Aeron, bitch!"

Mike Mariano said...

"I've heard of working vacations, but this—aw, screw it; it's really not worth the effort, is it?"

PS: Will Al get the Point Break, Grease, and Mad Men references? Tune in next week!

Anonymous said...

"I'm glad to see you've found suitable employment Mr. Paul, but tell me; if I should get into trouble out there, do you get to decide whether or not you want to rescue me?"

Anonymous said...

"Sir, we've had some trouble finding that pristine, white Florida sand you wanted.." -cta

Anonymous said...

We'd like you to raise your savings rate.

Jim Cavanaugh

Rich Lather said...

"Douchebag accountant homo in a lifeguard chair, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"The pay's not much, but they give you all the SPF 15 sunblock you can smear. Or, in your case, schmear."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"This interview will consist of one response only: 'The Mets suck. Please elaborate.'"

Anonymous said...

You need a taller desk.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Sir, it has come to my attention that, in violation of company policy, Johhny B. and Kathy H. are engaged in an office romance.

Anonymous said...

Everybody's goin' surfin', surfin' CPA.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Take it from me, Mr. Bignose. You need a longer visor.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"A neat, clean, organized desk . . . I like that in my lifeguards."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Sure it’s a nice beach . . . but a long way to the water.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“It’s good to see you out of bed, Brian . . . but, I can tell you’re still a little wary of getting back to the surf scene.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"So, al in la doesn't know the difference between #s 246 and 249 . . . does that give you the right to sit up there and make a mockery of this Anti-Cap Contest???"


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I am very pleased you found your visit to the beach so inspiring two months ago . . . but where’s your board, dude?”

---blw

Anonymous said...

We're going down, Jenkins, drowning in red ink. Fortunately, I've positioned myself to ride it out. The rest of you are, well, fucked.

Jim Cavanaugh

Auric Brownfinger said...

No Mr. Bond , I expect you to....
slather some Bain de Soelei on your pasty British carcass and tan hardcore like the second coming of George-fucking-Hamilton!

Lil smokie Avalon said...

I know you think I must be crazy, attempting this without "Annette"

jersey Jeff said...

So there was this garage sale over at Jones beach ...

holden_c said...

"Kam Fong as Chin Ho? Why the fuck are we even changing his name?"

Anonymous said...

Worst cartoon ever? 42 captions so far and not one of them is funny.

LV said...

Uh, isn't that the point?

LV said...

"Now go find me the janitor who got the black crayon stuck in his floor buffer."

"Thanks to the these umbrellas, the towers here have sunscreen."

Gary P said...

"Do you believe they fried the last guy for his chair choice? Right over there in the conference room!"

Anonymous said...

“What’s with the suncreen, Johnson? We’re indoors.”

---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

“There’s a good reason for our dress code, Hendricks. Where’s your coat?”


---left coast Wayne

Anonymous said...

"Sir, bad news. I don't think anyone signed up for your 'Water Sports with the Boss' party".-cta

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"No, Mr. Hayward, I expect you to...go to Siberia and love it!"

 Konrad said...

I'm not wearing any damn bikini!

 Konrad said...

Are you happy now that you have your life back?

Steve_O said...

"Remember, don't dive back into the secretarial pool until at least an hour after oral sex."

Anonymous said...

“So now their screams are for you rather than at you?”

dwilk

boneguy said...

Christ, I'm sorry. I'll told the idiots in materials management for a TENNIS umpire chair.

Richard H said...

"I appreciate the new attitude, Lou. But the guys from sales are still kicking carpet fibers in our face."

Richard H said...

"I'm sorry for calling you a shitty accountant, Bernie. But what makes you think you're cut out to be a lifeguard?"

Richard H said...

"OK, the SEC will be here any minute, Frank. You're doing great. I think we can beat this rap with the Hasselhoff defense."

Eric G said...

August 6, 1945:

"Like I said, we're not signing the damn Potsdam Declaration, and I don't know what the hell you mean by a mushroom behind me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm implementing our radical new office kaizen. "

George B. said...

"Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means. One of us is going to jail - well, it's not gonna be me......Oh my Gawd, Uncle Billy, t-t-t-tell me you d-d-didn't buy a fucking lifeguard chair. Well, I-I-I-I'll strangle you, you old coot."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"One last question. Do you, perchance, tweet?"

boneguy said...

I don't know where all the fucking oil went, Tony. You're still fired.

 Konrad said...

Is that a giant candy cane behind you!?! If so, I'd sure like to suck on it!

oxmyx said...

I feel like Shatner!

 Konrad said...

Enter THIS equation in your ledger, Mr. High and Mighty, I don't like the beach, and I don't like you, therefore, I don't like two things!

Anonymous said...

"Sorry, Childress, but I can't think of anything funny to say."

Rob

mort drucker said...

"I had my standard issue electric chair converted to this life guard chair. It's just as 'ironic' and instead of being fried to death I get mega chick action."

mort drucker said...

"The rank smell of seaweed? It's to cover up my incontinence. Any more comments before I piss all over your desk?"

mort drucker said...

"You're not Pensky material!"
"Oh, I beg to differ sir."

Sarah said...

"I fuckin' love eBay!"

Anonymous said...

"You need to decide: are you a shark, or are you just a minnow?"


--Jared S.

mort drucker said...

"When you said you needed more 'beach' time last week I thought you said 'bitch' time, so I arranged for a couple of hookers to come by. Now that I see that you are quite mad, I'll do the girls myself. By the way, they're both former professional beach volleyball players. Pretty ironic, eh? I mean, considering you hate volleyball so much."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"I got it at IKEA and it was a bitch to put together."

Anonymous said...

al in ny

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"OSHA regulations. We're suppose to conform to....oh forget it."

Rob

boneguy said...

Big deal. I can see your asshole from here.

Gern Blanston said...

"OK, OK, This'll be fun! Take off your clothes, and pretend your drowning in paperwork"

G.B. said...

"You're"...whatever

Anonymous said...

It's a Stickley, you crazy bastard!You can't beat the classics. It stands the test of time. And my fat ass.

CRC

Anonymous said...

"Why couldn't we be drawn by Gahan Wilson?"

Anonymous said...

I trust that's just a pants tent, sir. At any rate, it might be helpful if you cross your legs.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

You're highered.

Jim Cavanaugh

 Konrad said...

I went — disguised as a surfer, mind you — and saw him, sir. The resemblance was startling. He definitely has your wife's eyes and your chair.

boneguy said...

Speaking of movies, I went to see "The Kids Are Alright". I'm telling you man, there wasn't a dry pussy in the house.

Gary P said...

"So you think I'm funny? You see irony in this? What, are you saying I'm pathetic? Which is it?"

Anonymous said...

"Staycation?"

G.W.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you!

Anonymous said...

"Okay Pinocchio, your nose is getting longer. There are no land sharks here."

Anonymous said...

This isn't sour grapes (I didn't even enter this contest), but if you're going to pick a winner because it's so dumb that it's funny, then I might as well just stick with the real New Yorker contest.

Anonymous said...

Because you can't say "fuck" in the New Yorker. Asshole. Is Asshole one word? Hyphen? What say you al?

 Konrad said...

Dear Anonymous,

Ok.

Anonymous said...

"It also reflects that the “life guard” is NOT the one doing the talking. This is something many Anti-Capper got wrong this week. "

- uh, both of their mouths are open. Either or both could be talking. We only see more of an open mouth from the front guy because he's in profile.

Scottrech said...

"A neat, clean, organized desk . . . I like that in my lifeguards." ---blw

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.