Note: Nice to see that many of you Anti-Cappers deposited your entries here this week. It would seem that Radosh.net has become completely dormant. I am committed to posting the contest here each Sunday night along with winners from the previous week. Below are this weeks winners along with my two cents. (FYI for those too lazy to check: The winners for the previous week's contest [#246], are posted else where on this blog.)
UPDATE: Alright already!! As many of you
SECOND WEEK WINNERS
WINNER
"So, do you see the monkeys as half alive or completely dead?"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thoughtful and slightly philosophical but also vague. What if the guy hates monkeys?)
SECOND PLACE
"Rhesus Christ, what an asshole!"--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may have inspired by last week's win entry. Even if it is a retread its great word play and a variation on a classic. There are also may be evolution vs. creationist issues. )
HONORALE MENTIONS
"Bet ya didn't know that an anagram for Al in Los Angeles is Anal Ego Illness." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I could not concoct a credible anagram for "anonymous." Fittingly, "Anymouse" is the closest I could come.)
"Doctor Phun. The Fun-meister. Checkin' out the monkeys. Lotta fun. Doctor Funk-n-stein, doin' his fun thang. Baron von Phun, living the life. mort drucker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The druckster scores with an antiquated cultural reference.)
FIRST WEEK WINNER (WEEK ONE)
Of course they're not whole. You ordered Rhesus Pieces.--Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice work Rog. This is by far the best cap you have ever entered. High brow, yet juvenile. Thoughtful, yet completely incomprehensible. Creative, yet somehow really stupid. An Anti Cap classic if there ever was one.)
SECOND PLACE:
Now? Tape a bagel onto your ass and see what happens, I guess.--Jim Cavanaugh Enjoy--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I included two of Jim's cap because they seem to go together. Some girl apes do in fact have the rough equivalent of a catcher's mitt around their privates (sorry to get so technical). So this really is insightful and kind of kinky.)
THIRD PLACE
Here are your summer interns, Mr. Murdoch.Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And like interns, they are willing to work for peanuts. But remember, interns are abused and resented for being young, hard working and ambitious, which is frequently the exact opposite of those doing the abusing and resenting. That's been my experience, anyway.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
This post has been removed by the author. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to pat Johnny on the back for having the foresight to yank what was probably just another one of his lame-ass caps. I knew Johhny was somehow involved in architecture [a brick layer. I'm guessing] and fancies himself a "profit wrangler." Now I know he has at least a modest amount to self restraint. )
"Alone in a studio apartment- one fag. You, me and four gay monkeys- six fags. More fags, more fun!" --LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An absolutely absurd riff on the Six Flags slogan that has a hint of truth to it. And LR, you better be a fudge-packer yourself or this is just pathedic queer bashing.)
Your not-so-clever plan to use these monkeys as drug mules failed horribly when, apparently, the dope filled balloons were born prematurely, so to speak, and the monkeys began to throw them at each other causing them to, of course, break, and in that small of a space, fatal overdoses were inevitable. But to answer your question, no, I'm not undercover with the DEA. Oh no, you're in way more trouble than that; I work for PETA! --Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sometimes I think Konnie tries to hard. This is way too long, But I give it props because the concept of a smuggler making monkeys mule coke by feeding them condoms of coke is sheer genius--and monkeys throw their shit. Also, PETA does the metaphorical equivalent when it comes to animal abuse--still they are not as dangerous as the DEA.)
Entertaining at children's parties is the only way Dubya can make a buck now--.Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember, Chimpy said he was going to "refresh the old coffers" by playing county fairs and minstrel shows. I'm sure he gets gigs. Even Carrot Top plays nightly in Vegas. Point is, I miss him like a cyst on my gonads.[W, I mean, not Carrot Top--who I have no beef with] )
Fun simians you crazy bastard! Where the hell do you want them?--CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to encourage the classics. And simian relates to apes and there was something called "Fnn simians" on YouTude [I didn't watch. No time] So thanks, CRC. )
"After the plant explosion, Milton Bradley is leaking almost 40,000 barrels a day." --Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: MB did, in fact, have a game called "Barrel of Monkeys." I remember it well: Players try to create a chain of 12 tiny plastic chimps, but if your father steps on one in his bare feet, into the garbage it goes. This, of course, is the closest thing we have to a BP-bashing cap.)
"Don't look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes no sense. Taylor is now in a comfortable home. The damned dirty apes are cooped up in a stinking barrel. Fun fact: Taylor's first name is never spoken during the film but in the closing credits, it says his name is "George." [At least they didn't go with something gutless like "Anonymous."])
"Did you ever seen a barrel of monkeys...on weed?
3 hours and 20 minutes later:
[Er..."Did you ever see..." No, al, I'm not high.] --Enhancement Smoker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Um...sure...dude. Of course, you're not. So...you up for a Taco Bell run?)
If you give them all typewriters and enough time they'll eventually come up with the results of last week's anti-cap contest.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted on Mon morning at 7:22 West Coast time (which is where I happen to live). The take-away: Jim is a very impatient man who occasionally yeilds half-way decent caps. [But not always] Most important this contest is very, very important to him.)
"Hey Al, some anti-cappers got together and sent you this gift to make up for the persistent ridicule you seemed so sensitive about. The note here says the gift is supposed to inspire some good-natured pandemonium in your LA abode. Unfortunately the monkeys died en route."
-- Richard Hine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As did the humor value of your caps. I am not sensitive to ridicule. It's the lame stupid caps that are annoying [I don't mean to hit a nerve.]
"This is no fun. Where are my fuckin' monkeys?" Satireguy
July 11, 2010 8:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this lazy-ass, unfunny cap [and the time it was posted] only to show that I considered all the caps posted until Sunday night at 8:11 pm, Eastern Time. So, Satireguy, consider yourself considered. Next week, I suggest you post earlier and funnier.)
152 comments:
"We already shot them."
Rob
Of course they're not whole. You ordered Rhesus Pieces.
Roger Kaputnik
It's what screwing your wife was more fun than.
Optimus Sub-Prime
It's not as original as, say, a bushel of Beetles.
Lindsay Lovelace
Only the really high-end stuff comes individually packaged. Like your Leeza Gibbons, Barbara Mandrills...
Thor Harris
We moved it from radosh.net, but, you're right, the fun seems to have gone out of it.
What did you expect? They couldn't possibly have survived a trip here from Africa, sealed up in a barrel like that.
Here's your Cliche of the Month Club delivery. Last month's sliced bread was more fun, but this is the best thing since then.
I know you wanted fish in a barrel, but these ought to be plenty easy to shoot.
Jim Cavanaugh
Entertaining at children's parties is the only way Dubya can make a buck now.
Jim Cavanaugh
"The Marx brothers were in it, but they're all dead now."
"I dunno, Mr. Waters, it's going to be pretty tough to top that chicken scene in Pink Flamingos..."
Now out on DVD, Bizarre Foods: The Garage Years.
See how Andrew develops a taste for exotic, endangered, and disgusting foods and how his insatiable appetite transforms him into the epic glutton we all know and love.
Special bonus feature, The Other End of Andrew.
Ever wonder what happens to Andrew the day after? Over 30 minutes of repugnant footage will leave you wishing you hadn't.
"You don't have to tip me; the guys and I helped ourselves to some of your blow here back at the warehouse."
--Jared S.
If you give them all typewriters and enough time they'll eventually come up with the results of last week's anti-cap contest.
Jim Cavanaugh
Well, the typewriter thing didn't work. All they produced was J.D's web site.
Monkey's Uncle
Comment, not a caption:
I doubt it will get much better than "Rhesus Pieces"
"It's just a little token of appreciation from all the anti-cappers for your efforts, al. Just don't let the Mrs. catch you using it [wink, wink]."
Christ, al, wait 'til I leave before you start spanking it.
"Monsieur, would you sign for your new extra-jumbo key caddy, s'il vous plait?"
“I’ve got one more that says BALLS, al.”
Rob
"Hey, pal, I know nothin' about human trafficking, but I'd nail her before she expires."
dwilk
"I assume he'll be grinding your organ before I reach the elevator."
“I know Jack Daniels. Jack is a friend. You obviously don't know Jack.”
Rob
[This is a test. For the next seven days, this website will conduct a test of the Emergency Anti-Cap Submission System. This is only a test.]
Testing 1 2 3. Oh, thank God!
"Nope, no Contest 245 Andy Capp winners in here."
"Hey, where's your yellow hat? Oh, and you're in luck...meet Bi-Curious George!"
"They died in transit. Have fun."
we routed them over the Niagara and they seem a little worse for wear. Did you get the insurance?
I told 'em to keep a lid on it but this is what happens when you work with fuckin' foreigners.
"If you think this is disappointing wait until your Sea Monkeys arrive."
-TG
"Hey, man, I've been doing this for a while and the one thing I've learned is it's always worth it to pay extra for the gibbons."
-TG
"Actually, it's strange, people outside the business don't realize the full expression is 'More fun than scraping the bottom of a barrel of monkeys' and it's kind of one of them understatement type things."
[whoops, that was me there with the understatement]
-TG
"Yeah, well, these days everything is shrink-wrapped, too."
-TG
"After the plant explosion, Milton Bradley is leaking almost 40,000 barrels a day."
"Star Trek XV: Retired and bored, Captain Kirk gets himself a pet monkey...to spank."
"Mr. Mumy!? We found Debbie!"
That's $325 shipping and handling; cash on the barrelhead, of course.
Rocko
"Well, I guess you should have specified air holes." -cta
"We had to split your order. The second shipment is coming later this afternoon with Peter Tork and Davy Jones. And Michael Nesmith's left arm." -cta
"Don't see no evil? Bet you smell some, though!"
"Of course it's empty. No one is allowed to have that much fun."
-blw
"Could you also sign for the container full of invisible bananas that I've left on the street?"
"The monkeys are sold separately, douchebag."
"I know I agreed to some role playing, Henry, but where exactly is this going?"
"I was expecting these to come today."
-Brian
"When I asked for a link to small arms this is what I had in mind."
"Don't look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find."
"I see the little monkeys are holding little retarded captions pertaining to Mr. McGaugh again, Mr. Bond."
"My great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great Grandfather smells really bad, Mr. Bond."
"Sorry, you have the wrong address. This is addressed to Radosh.net."
"They told me this would be delivered in a plain brown envelope."
NOTE to al in la: The last 5 post by Anonymous where by me, Roger McGaugh. Thanks. : )
Correction: The previous 5 captions including my last note and this one:
"When I asked for a link to small arms this is what I had in mind."
Roger McGaugh
Now that's a winner!
"Correction: Damn!
"When I asked for a link to Small Arms this isn't what I had in mind."
FU: haters
I had a god-awful time getting them up here; I have small arms.
"So are you gonna tip me, or...."
"You're not A. Cooper? Damn, those frat boys are at it again!"
"If it fits it shits."
dwilk
"I want $500 now or you're getting both barrels."
Rob
I think the guy who returned your keys was French, sir.
Judging by all the screaming earlier, it was either a barrel of fun or they died in incredible agony.
"Why do you look so confused? It's your order from Spank_Macaque.Com. Enjoy!" -cta
— or—
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die, and THEN I'll stuff you in it.
It's 105 degrees out; 130 in my truck. What the fuck did you expect?
Jim Cavanaugh
Enjoy
Jim Cavanaugh
Your not-so-clever plan to use these monkeys as drug mules failed horribly when, apparently, the dope filled balloons were born prematurely, so to speak, and the monkeys began to throw them at each other causing them to, of course, break, and in that small of a space, fatal overdoses were inevitable. But to answer your question, no, I'm not undercover with the DEA. Oh no, you're in way more trouble than that; I work for PETA!
Here are your summer interns, Mr. Murdoch.
Rocko
It's still leaking. al and his crew have been trying all week to put a cap on it.
Rocko
What do you want with a barrel of monkeyshit?
JUDGES NOTE: SOME OF THESE CAPS DON'T REALLY SUCK THAT MUCH AT ALL. THANKS EVERYONE!
BUT PLEASE REMEMBER TO ADD YOUR NAME OR AT LEAST SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING THAN "ANONYMOUS."--al in la
"Yeah, well, next time you order by the barrel make sure it's Houdini."
Rob
All complaints must go through our website. Let me give you the Lancelot Link.
"alinla, it's a barrel of monkeyshit from an incontinent Roger Macaque. By the way, you can touch macaque if you feel like it. Thanks everyone, I'm here all week"
“Are you telling me that you’re not the monkeys’ uncle?”
--blw
"Here you go, Mr. Tarzan, and I'll just need you to sign for these cremated remains of your parents." -cta
“See, I knew you’d be curious, George.”
--blw
"Hop in."
"It's fun, sure, but apparently a lot more fun if it's filled with monkeys."
"It's fun, sure, but apparently it's a whole lot more fun when it's filled with monkeys."
"Dat is beauty of plan, comrade. American Customs is never opening monkey barrel."
"Dat is beauty of plan, comrade. American Customs is never opening monkey barrel."
"I don't know what it is about you apartment dwellers...you just can't seem to get enough monkey puss."
Ah, my keg of LEMON KEYSTONE beer has arrived!
- Actually Anonymous
"Did you ever seen a barrel of monkeys...on weed?
[Er..."Did you ever see..." No, al, I'm not high.]
"You don't understand, Spritel, that IS Chim-Chim."
"For last week's winner go here." (points to the ether)
"These aren't the cercopithecoids you're looking for."
Brian L
“Outside noisy, inside empty”
“Outside noisy, inside empty”
"Your keys have got to be in there somewhere, Mon."
dwilk
Yo, al! You do know this is a 2 weeker, right?
The Day Walt Disney decided to use animatronics for the Jungle Cruise.
I'm not sure what's ailing him, al. Anonymous seems to think he's a tweaker or something.
CRC
"It was like shooting Bush as a feral."
Rob
SPOILER ALERT!
The Monkey in the Rocket II: Bam's Story
After a long career as a Space Monkey(the chiquita deal,Banana republic sponsorship,NASA hero monkey starlet pussy et al.) I finally found out what became of my old pal Bam.
"The monkeys applied for refugee status."
'Sup Monkeyphile!?!?
"Do you have a space-time continuum tracking number?"
"I know it says Monkeys, but it's really 'Paul, The Octopus.'"
Tim H
"She wants a banana and an organ grinder."
"Hey Al, some anti-cappers got together and sent you this gift to make up for the persistent ridicule you seemed so sensitive about. The note here says the gift is supposed to inspire some good-natured pandemonium in your LA abode. Unfortunately the monkeys died en route."
Those monkeys are not dead, just
suffering from chronic laziness.
Andy Nonimus
As anonymous wrote in a horribly unfunny entry
"Yo, al! You do know this is a 2 weeker, right?"
I hope Al spends all week huddled by his computer waiting for the new NYer cartoon.
In hindsight, I wish I'd had the foresight to remove that before I wrote it.
Dear Mr. la:
Since the current issue of The New Yorker covers two weeks rather than the usual one, there won't be a new cartoon until next Monday. Thought you might like to know.
Hey AL, you judged the wrong contest. 246 goes another week. 245 is waiting patiently.
al
The monkeys at typewriters cap was not meant to disparage your tardiness posting the results of last weeks contest; just a riff on the old notion that given enough time they would churn out the complete works of Shakespeare or write the Bible. Kind of makes you ponder infinity and all.
The bagel on the butt cap was inspired by (actually stolen from) a dearly departed friend and co-worker who died way too young from brain cancer a few years ago. I dedicate my second place finish (which I understand is equal to a win in the "real" contest) to his memory.
JC
Wait, wait. You mean monkeys didn't write the Bible??
Tim H
Of course it's empty, al! You didn't think I would allow you to live after that "Konnie" crack, did you?
"I don't care if you're not ready, Steve, put a lid on it! I need to roll out the barrell."
-TG
"Never seen a monkey rape a terrier before? Huh. Then again, I guess I've never seen a TPS report."
-TG
"Yes. Well, I've narrowed it down. It's either dead monkeys or Mel Gibson's career."
Tim H
"Like I keep telling them back at the depot: You gotta deliver these suckers within one week; two weeks and all you end up with is monkey mash."
Kathy H
"I don't know about monkeys, but have you ever noticed that you never see al in la (http://tinyurl.com/36sml3f) and Ken Burns (http://tinyurl.com/2uz46dp) in the same room at the same time?"
Kathy H
"Sometimes if you prod Mel Gibson in just a certain way, he'll actually start biting Roman Polanski. It's hilarious."
Lisa
"I need a signature, please."
"Since you have a better idea, what would you write on a barrel full of kiddie porn?"
"Ok, professor, I get that they were all infected with full-blown AIDS. Is that a problem?"
Their DNA is 99% identical to ours. I guess that 1% justifies your sickening cruelty. Have fun.
"Speechless? So are they. But it took awhile."
Ok, just sign next to 'Gourmet Wholesale.'
I'll bring in the complimentary loaf of bread and spatula when your charge is approved.
Didn't you get our courtesy email saying you better get ready, they may be comin' to your town?
It stinks like hell. They've been "producing content" in there for several days.
Jim Cavanaugh
"I agree. Pretty idiotic way to ship 100 sea monkeys."
Dude, you're trying way too hard! Just do what everyone else is doing; scrape some shit off the bottom and post it.
Touche, Connie
"What?! Well, you know what they say, one rotten one spoils the barrel. I think that applies to apples, too." -cta
"Doctor Phun. The Fun-meister. Checkin' out the monkeys. Lotta fun. Doctor Funk-n-stein, doin' his fun thang. Baron von Phun, living the life.
"Here's your 101st monkey. Monkey no washa the food; Monkey die!
"Bet ya didn't know that an anagram for Al in Los Angeles is Anal Ego Illness."
They musta forgot to mention that we don't ship whiskey; monkeys on the other hand, totally doable, and more fun besides. Have a nice day!
Expiration dates are more like... suggestions really...
Anyway, monkey is better when aged... you know, like Kobe's beef?
"So, do you see the monkeys as half alive or completely dead?"
Rob
"Darwin award to whoever thought they'd arrive alive."
"See, they thought that a monkey wrench had nothing to do with monkeys and was invented by Charles Moncky in 1858. But they found a wrench labeled a monkey wrench in an 1840s catalogue. So figure that one out."
"The bubble wrap is so they won't break."
dwilk
Of course they're not whole. You ordered Drill bits.
Jim Cavanaugh
"D.B. Cooper was a self made man."
You know we can't accept live animals for shipment; you're gonna have to kill them.
"Here are you female monkeys, Doctor. Have fun in your attempt to artificially in-siminian-ate them." -cta
They were like that when I found 'em.
They were like that when I found 'em
Which one is Davey Jones?
When I said, "Ground", thats not what I meant.
You know its great dope,when.....number 9.
You know its time to quit when.......number 4.
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