RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #241

Note: Below is the view from the top deck at Dodger Stadium. My wife took this picture yesterday (Sunday) while we attended the Dodgers-Tigers game. I'm not now, nor have I ever been a Dodgers fan, but it really is a great place to see a game, especially in a clear day when you can see the mountains towering in the distance.

So rather than pontificate about the cartoon or the quality of the caps, I'll just share this photo. Feel free to leave a comment. Also: play your favorite Dylan album today, May 24th is Bob's 69 birthday!

WINNER
"Let him drown first. They're best eaten cold."-- dwilk (JUDGE's COMMENT: This is tasteless, asinine and insensitive. but on the down side, I don't believe it's technically accurate. Still major props to dwilk who managed to be gross AND funny! A lot of you mugs could take a lesson from him [or her, if he's a chick] )

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SECOND PLACE
Oooo . . . gross . . . If I had known you were going to spit out the head, I wouldn't have offered him to you."-- blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even funnier if you imagine the girl with a Brooklyn accent. This almost won. Very close call this week. More examples of funny caps that would find no perch in the real contest.)
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THIRD PLACE
"No, Mr. Tiny-ear-hole, I absolutely did not say 'that's my chum in the water'."-- Anonymous (JUDGE's COMMENT: On the heels of "I can see your nuts" comes this. I'm guessing everyone knows "chum" can mean friend or gross shit that attracts sharks. I guess "Tiny-ear-hole" is the opposite of "huge-ass-hole.")
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HONORABLE MENTIONS
"He's the CEO of BP. Just wait - he'll have to climb out of the oil at some point." -- Glenn(JUDGE's COMMENT: Topical, symbolic and therapeutic.)
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"I don't keep you to think. I keep you for cold nights and days when there's nothing to do."
-- luis_chama (JUDGE's COMMENT: In last week's comments I mentioned watching the Clint Eastwood film "Joe Kidd." This is a line sneered by Luis Chama [a Mexican played with an anglo twist by John Saxon] His gal pal, Helen Sanche [Stella Garcia pictured right] had offered what she thought was a helpful suggestion. At least he's being honest. Not Eastwwod's best pic, but I'm a big fan.)
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Desert island, courtroom, prehistoric cave, wild west saloon, boardroom. Repeat . . . --Optimus Sub-Prime (JUDGE's COMMENT: Point well taken, but remember, even boring predictable cartoons can yield great anti-caps.)

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"A mini desert island with one palm tree. What will that funny magazine think up next!" --Glenn (JUDGE's COMMENT: Glenn regulalrly offers up scarcastic complaint-caps. He has emerged as a curmudgeon even by Anti-Cap standards,)

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I can clearly see your nuts, so get off my island. Go find us a clipper ship or something useful, you downwardly mobile bubble-head. If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have brought a cell phone. Now, fuck off. --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE's COMMENT: This is what happens when you become a chronic-capper. Deep breaths, Jim, deep breaths.)

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This cartoon has officially jumped the shark. -- Tim H (JUDGE's COMMENT: The term is derived from a Happy Days story line (spread over three-episodes) where the Fonz attempts to do a water-ski jump over a shark. It was widely seen as a desperate attempt to drum up interest in a stale franchise--so it applies here very nicely.)

Fonzarelli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? --CRC (JUDGE's COMMMENT: Good one. The poster also felt it appropriate to give props to Tim H. Noted.)

Hideous Face Island. A sanctuary for the ugly, situated in the middle of Ricki Lake, fed by the Joan Rivers. --Damon (JUDGE's COMMENT: The puns work but I think Ricki Lake is very cute and as for Joan, you should look so good when you're 109.]

“You’re OK for a little while, Wayne . . . he just ate Fred and he knows he shouldn’t go into the water for at least an hour.”-- blw (JUDGE's COMMENT: Funny in that bizzaro world kind of way that some times works.)

"Oy vey! It couldn't have been a tuna or a nice mackerel, maybe?" --Rabbi Dogg (JUDGE's COMMENT: Imagine it with a Yiddish accent and it's kind of funny.)

"He wants me to watch you getting fucked first." -- dwilk (JUDGE's COMMENT: It's clear dwilk has anger issues, many creative people do.)

"The devourers here are marine." -- Jared S. (JUDGE's COMMENT: Great spin on a classic.)

The floaters here are cuisine. --CRC (JUDGE's COMMENT: Even better. I never stopped to realize how many words rhyme with "obscene.")

Former Veep maintains nasty, agressive posture, while former Pres. still flounders around aimlessly. A sun-baked Sarah Palin looks on, basking in her own delerium. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE's COMMENT: Works for me. Palin's famous gun toting bikini pic [far right] was a fake. Having said that I feel it's okay to run it. )

Spoken by either: "Holy smokes! That last fart smelled just like Roy Scheider." --R. Shaw (JUDGE's COMMENT: Yes, this is awful in an Anti-Cap way, but Quint was the one who was eaten. so the shark's emissions would, more logically, recall his scent. )

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to kill Jaws, fashion a boat kiel (sic) using his steel teeth, free us from this god-foresaken island, then do me while MI6 satellites broadcast it to an inscrutably titillated M."--D. Dudy Jench (JUDGE's COMMENT: You have to appreciate the effort here. Most cappers just plug in something that rhymes with "die." This is the longest one ever. The signature is somewhat confusing. Dame Judi Dench played M in several Bond films, so there's that.)

"A shark, I think, is like a relationship, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead relationshuip. Hey shark, lets fuck!" -- Woody (JUDGE's COMMENT: A bastardised quote from "Annie Hall." Absolutely makes no sense but remarkably this was the only cap that suggested the woman and shark will screw. I just assumed there would be more)

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Did you find the shark repellent? -- Rocko (JUDGE's COMMENT: Pretty funny in a "real"- contest kind of way, but read on...)

"Rocko - No, in fact, I find the shark quite appealling." --Anonymous (JUDGE's COMMENT: Sounds like something Curly would say to Moe. Think of it as a comment-cap.)

"So, he's like, 'Let's go on a cruise.' And I go, 'No way, ships sink all the time.' And he's like, 'What's the worst that can happen?' And I go--wait a minute, dude is it 4:20?" -- under_score(JUDGE's COMMENT: So the captain got stoned, sank the boat and left you on a tiny island talking to a beached shark while the dude drowns? This was posted on May 20. That would be the 20th day of the fifth month or FIVE-TWENTY. You only missed by a month, bro.)

Hey Riff, Bernardo says he won't stab you in the chest if you just come out of the water!-- Sam Juan (JUDGE's COMMENT: This was written by someone desperate to find any shark reference We get caps like this all the time.)

"Sorry, Charlie. Only good tasting tunas get to be

Star Kist." --Anonymous (JUDGE's COMMENT: Another frantic reach for anything relating to fish, but this one included a link to the original TV ad. Even as a kid I wondered why Charlie was so eager to be killed, mixed with mayonnaise and eaten.)

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"Happy anniversary, it's a shark tooth necklace, go ahead, try it on." --Roger McGaugh (JUDGE's COMMENT: So the drowning guy is saying this to the woman? And he presumes she won't realize the shark is still attached to the teeth? Conceptually this has merit but there are some holes.)

You're daydreaming again, aren't you dear?--Sorrel Loser (JUDGE's COMMENT: This pays homage to the cap I threw at the real contest for a previous contest. They ignored it. At least someone noticed.)

"Congratulations Mr. Shark. You've inspired even worse captions than last week." --Bev (JUDGE's COMMENT: Don't blame it on the shark and "inspired" is not a word I would use in association with this contest.)