RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #240

Note: I admit it. Last week I tossed an entry on to that stinking heap of bushwah sensibilities and pithy observations better know as the "real" contest. While contemplating possible caps, I came up with something slightly witty and appropriate for the image, but far too white bread. Not even remotely offensive. So sent it to the beast.
I'm sure the New Yorker has a team of know-it-all little pricks ivy league interns do the judging in exchange for free Hot Pockets and Sprite the journalistic experience. Almost always their picks are lame. (Also true for the Anti-Cap, but you expect more from Condé Nast). I doubt my cap will make the finals, but I think its sponge worthy so here it is:

"You're day dreaming again, aren't you dear?"

Funny, no? Kind of explains the over sized hedges and the self-aggrandizement. After submitting it, I instantly received an offer to buy stuff along with this: Hey! You're good! Want a job? "Thank You. We have received your caption submission Check back on Monday, May 24, 2010 to vote on caption finalists." I'm like "Excuse me? MAY TWENTY-FOURTH?!? I have to wait ten days?" I realize this has long been the case, but it dawned on me that this is a huge amount of lag time. Also, the "real" contest would never touch the really funny stuff (i.e the lack of penis, the abundance of bush, the man's well manicured butt cheeks...)
In contrast, everyone gets to see all the Anti-Caps in real time and a boat load of winners are recognized at the end of the week. We tolerate encourage sick, stupid, convoluted caps and even cheap shots disguised as caps. This is why the Anti-Cap is more engaging and, I dare say, competitive.
Even so, if my cap is somehow nominated, please do vote for it. Finally, I was not alone in my assessment that the image is pretty lame. (And there were certainly many worthless entries.) By Thursday evening (7:54 PM to be exact) "Glenn," for one, had had enough. His cap has the women in the window complaining: "Honey? Congratulations. You inspired the worst anti-caps, ever." (Excellent use of an attack cap, by the way.) As it happens, some of the Anti-Caps submitted where quite good. In fact, the two co-winners are among the best entries I've seen in a while. We also have a limerick. Nice job guys! Now leave a comment telling us about your hopes dreams and expectations.

WINNER (TIE)

In his dotage, the Yankee Clipper found solace in his garden, while an artist's approximation of his beloved Marilyn at 75 gazed down. --Mr. Silly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very impressive. Works on so many levels. The "Yankee Clipper," Joe DiMaggio, had a huge ego and insisted that he be announced as "The greatest living Yankees player." He also adored Marilyn Monroe. Although their marriage lasted only nine months, twice a week for 20 years he had white roses placed on her grave [AFTER she died, of course]. And Marilyn would, in fact, have been 75 when Joe passed in 1999. Also marks the first-ever use of the word "dotage" in this contest.)

WINNER (TIE)
"Oh, honey, art's imitating life; a Nuthatch and a Red-cockaded Woodpecker have found their way into your asshole again." -- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As you may have assumed, these are two birds that happen to have "nut" and "cock" in their names. As it happens, Nuthatches [pictured left] nest in cavities. Woodpeckers, of course, peck wood. People who are full of themselves are often thought to have something up their ass. Another well though out Anti-Cap. I suspect it was posted by someone famous.)


SECOND PLACE
"Gives "gardening tool" a whole new meaning. --PG man ( After those two highfalutin winners, I figured we needed something short, dumb and obvious. )


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"A muse; yourself, Dear." -- Tits up Word Play by Spowie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A dumb pun loaded into a short cap that is so clever it can sail over your head. The man is his own muse, I guess is the point. One tiny thing: the signature is little heavy handed.)

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"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Henry, for a man with no legs, you are quite an inspiration." --Kathy H (As is frequently the case, K.H. is the only one to comment on something obvious. You just sense that some day she's gonna win this damn thing.)

"There once was a man who would trim
Many bushes in the image of him
Though he always had wood
He detached his manhood
When he cut off a most vital limb." --Damon
(JUDGE'S COMMENT:
This cap in the form of a rhyme
Works on levels both real and sublime
It's got a touch of meanness
And it makes light of a missing penis
But around here that is hardly a crime)

The Sanitarium grounds look lovely today, Mr. Cheney. --Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Many have long suspected that Vice is clinically insane and will probably live out his days in an institutional setting. [If there IS a God, I mean] But we didn't know about his superior gardening skills. Nice job, Rocko.)

"When I said I wanted a showy display of your manhood on my bush... oh never mind." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Classic example of a cap that hits the mark but will never see the light of day at the New Yorker. It's not just the potty jokes and bad puns that they reject, you know.)

"My advice? Grow a dick." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is something a woman says when she is breaking up with a guy. Don't ask me how I know this.)

"Feels good to get out of the house and out of your own head, don't you think?" --Joe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of appropriate in an ironic way. Luckily, you don't realy hear this kind of new-age bullshit any more. )
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"Sure you've made our hedges more fun, Cedric, but what I really asked was 'don't you think we could make more in a hedge fund?'"-- LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I've always said there are no ugly babes and no bad puns. Cedric seems like an odd name choice, though.)

"Honey, I'm worried. You've been acting weird every since you were made the Branch Manager." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I say "named" would be better than "made," but this made me grown--which is what terrible puns are supposed to do.)

"Beats watching the LA Clippers." --Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another terrible pun but there is turth here. I've lived in L.A. nearly 10 years and you are more likely to meet a vegan lesbian with multiple tattoos than someone who admits to being a Clippers fan. [that's not an exaggeration] )

"You're gay, bald and narcissistic. Did I mention gay, bald and narcissistic?" -- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Narcissistic" is derived from a figure in Greek mythology named Narcissus [pictured right]. He fell in love with his own reflection in a pool and remained fixated on it until he wasted away to death, In L.A. these people are called "citizens.")

Well, well, well...morning coffee with the narcissistic gardner. What a treat. -- PG man (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Narcissistic" is also a favored put down of people who think they're too good to say "asshole." This cap is not funny or interesting but since I'm using the photo anyway...)

Narcissus the plant, you idiot! --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this at all [please leave a comment explaining], but it also legitimized my use of the image.)

"Hey Phil, Oprah just called; you've been canceled."-- Gayle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The man in the toon does resemble Dr. Phil, whose show was mercifully canned. Add to that the doctor's huge ego, his well established role as Oprah's bitch, and this makes sense.)
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Topiary, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? --CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Topiary" is "the art of creating sculptures in the medium of clipped trees, shrubs and sub-shrubs." I did not know that. This one also evokes a classic Anti-Cap. Nice work.)

"Ok, I apologize...a man needs a hobby. So stop with the fucking topiary and go back to molesting children." -- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This seems dumb but probe deeper and it suggests that sex offenders are also likely to be delusional narcissists with an exacting eye for detail and too much time on their hands. It also uses that "topiary" word which I never heard of before a few days ago.)

From just inside the window, a topiary of Jim's wife gazes down lovingly, a reminder of their 47 years together. --Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually this sounds more like a Hallmark card than an Anti-Cap. Rocko, it turns out, is a sensitive Anti-Capper. Who knew?)


"Who's Frank Oz?" -- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, he looks like the famous puppeteer [pictured right] but so what? Dex, we've come to expect more from you.)

"Get off my lawn." -- holden_c (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I only hope this is a reference to Clint's line in "Grand Torino" As I'm writing the Mrs. and I are watching "Joe Kidd.")

"Call me crazy, Carl, but Clara Clifford said your clean copper clippers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper a kleptomaniac from Cleveland." Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "A" for effort Rob. How stoned were you when you wrote this?)

In an alternative universe, this disgraced BP executive finds work in the only field still open to him. In our world, Alejandro does the landscaping. --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: All too true, but landscaping is dignified work. The only future job a BP exec should have is prison bitch. )


"The self-referentiality has a clever postmodern twist to it... but what the fuck is up with the Jack-in-the-Box bobblehead?" -- Podolinsky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Self what? I'm guessing you mean "referential." This is funny even if you don't fully understand it. I like that in a joke.)
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"You had no idea this was going to appear on the back page of the New Yorker, so I don't know why you didn't endow your likenesses with long schlongs." -- Franktastico
18 MINUTES LATER
correckshun: ""You had no idea this was going to appear on the back page of the New Yorker, so I don't know why you didn't aggrandize your likenesses with long schlongs." --Franktastico (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least once a week it seems someone goes back to fix a cap they posted a few minutes earlier. I like the commitment to excellence and I like caps that make fun of the New Yorker. But please remember: First comes socks Preview, than comes shoes Post)

They call him Clipper, Clipper faster than lightening,No one you see is smarter than he -- Luke Halpin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A riff on "Flipper" Made me fondly recall the show and it's grammatically correct theme song.)
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No Awrchie, I wanted a prune danish! -- edith stifel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another old TV show reference. The phonetic spelling of "Archie" pushed it over the top. "Dingbat" may have better pen name.)

Edward Sizzorhands finally had the operation and eventually got a job as an accountant. But deep inside, he still yearned for the 'old days'.--Johnny V (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An appropriately obscure reference but I never got that movie. And what makes you say this guy is an accountant?)
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Let's see ... egotistic, unoriginal, no balls, playing all by himself, producing the same crap over and over ... I know this guy. -- D.J. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great insider joke. [Take that you interloping bitter little douchbag!] Further evidence that Anti-Cappers, can be very mean have my back. Thank you D.J.--whoever you are.)

"In Soviet Union, hedge trims you" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic. I think this refers to the fact that the lawn images are slimmer than the guy with the clippers. I came up with this one: "In Soviet Union, bush fawns over man." )

"Those Ligustrum are vulgare."--Chauncey Gardener (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Them's just city-slicker names for forms of plant life. And the nome de plume used is Peter Seller's character in "Being Here." Might have worked better if it was a variation of "The hours here are obscene.")

This is growing old, honey. Why don't you come inside and send out a few resumes? Oh, you have some captions to judge, too. And Senator Effron left you a message. -- Sorrel Loser (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As Tom Hagan said to Michael Corleone in GF I: "Why do you hurt me, Michael? I've always been loyal to you.")