Saturday, May 8, 2010

RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #239

Note: There are many things to dislike about L.A.: the traffic truly sucks; shallow, self-absorbed people are indeed common; there's no NFL team; good pizza is a myth...I could go on. BUT there is also this: Gazing up at palm trees as pulsating jets of hot water caress your flesh is not just for rich folks. Everyone here has a jacuzzi (usually called a "hot tub" because, I suspect, that's easier to spell.) And the people who don't, know someone who does. That's just the way we roll.
It's a nice little perk, very relaxing. Like swimming, but without the effort. But bathing with random strangers can create scenarios that are awkward. Shortly after I moved into my first place in L.A., I was lounging in the jacuzzi when a attractive young woman in a bikini hopped in. She introduced herself and told me she had two friends coming over. "Would it be okay if they joined us?" she asked. "They don't live in the building, but they are very nice."
Admittedly, I completely misinterpreted this exchange. I assumed "friends" meant "girlfriends" and "nice" meant "girlfriends in bikinis." "That would be fine!" I said and contemplated whether I should dash up to my apartment and get a bottle of wine or something. Shortly thereafter, I met her friends as they climbed into the tub to "join us": Two fat hairy guys, covered with tattoos. "Hey man. How ya doin?" said one. "Wa-sup, dude?" said the other. After the four of us sat there in the hot bubbly water for like three seconds, I said "Um, I was just leaving." I guess the point is, last week's cartoon made me recall that incident.
Below are this week's winners. Leave a caption either validating or condemning my efforts. As always, your silence will be interpreted as praise. (That's just the way I was brought up.)
I doubted your insanity defense, but I can clearly see your nuts.--wizalt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slam dunk! Appropriate for the image, concise and juvenile. Also when you consider that he's been soaking in hot water, probably shriveled up and tasteless.)

"When you say you're 'in really hot water right now,' do you mean it in the I'm-guilty-of-murdering-my-wife sense?"-- t.a.m.s.y. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: People appearing before a judge are often in hot water. This cap makes that connection.)

"Ok, Captain Pike, I've some questions about these shorts that we found on Talos IV... Please bulge you right eye for "yes"and your left eye for "no". Understand? Is that a maybe?"-- cta(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of course Pike had his little flashing lights. This is a reach but well considered Star Trek references are always welcome.)

Yes, Alfie, the rules allow five. But sometimes it's better to stop after one."--Richard H(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nothing funny here, but truer words have not been spoken. Think of this as a PSA cap.)

"Your only hope now is for a well hung jury."-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes no sense but puns about bodily organs are always in vogue here.)

Hot Tub Time Machine II: Wash & Dry (2011), rated 2.7 on IMDb -- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a lot packed into this little cap. High concept: A crappy film was made into a sequel and it, like the original, sucks.)

"Mr. Groening, we are all aware that your show has not been funny in years. If it please the court, would you explain your often-repeated exhortation to eat these?"-- Kyle J. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe Bart's long-retired trademark line, "Eat my shorts means!" was chosen because you can't have a 10-year old boy saying "Blow me, asshole!" [at least not on TV].)

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my hot tub with a pair of stiff shorts.--Poe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In 1990, the Simpsons' first ever "Treehouse of Horror" included a version of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" [James Earl Jones narrated] I submit that the episode did more to advance this poem than the combined efforts of every English teacher who has ever lived. Little tip: signing it "Lenore" would have given it more panache.)

Your Honor, Please tell Mr. Geisel that I can not, will not join him in his tub And I will not, can not help him with his scrub!!--poverty suds (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay, you made a rhyme. Fun fact about Theo: he began using "Seuss" when he was kicked off the Dartmount humor mag for drinking gin with friends in his dorm room.)

I would caution you to get serious, or you will end up in Margaritaville...State Prison.-- LK (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nibblin' on sponge cake/Watchin' the sun bake...Now that is a rhyme! And "rhyme" rhymes with "crime," so...)

"Your honor, I cite Swoboda v. The City of Baltimore as evidence that a bad defense won't prevent winning."-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In Game 4 of the 1969 World Series, N.Y. Mets right fielder, Ron Swoboda, made a head long diving grab [pictured right] on a line drive hit by Baltimore's Brooks Robinson. The Mets won the game 2-1 in ten innings, and subsequently, the Series. Nice catch, dwilk.)

"No, Mr. Bond, if found guilty, we expect you to fry."--Dr. No Respect
[Aargh! "...I expect you to fry."]--Dr. No Respect (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There were a few Mr. Bond caps last week. None were particularly interesting, but whoever wrote this one came back and added a correction. Very considerate.)

The outlaws here come clean.-- Mr. Silly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another perennial more true than funny in this case, so it has merit.)

Mr. Polanski, I can't believe I let you get away with this 'Feng Shui' defense of recreating the scene of the crime on the witness stand as a way to help you remember what happened.--zoidberg (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In 1977 a grand jury charged Polanski with "rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under fourteen." This cap is a sincere attempt make the image of a hot tub in the courtroom somehow seem plausible. Noted.)

"Your Honor, I move that you sequester the jury and Sylvester the Cat."-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It takes a certain amount of intellectual chutzpah to submit this type of cap.)

When Ms. Hilton surfaces your Honor let the record state we find her behavior 'kinky and SORDID' not 'short-hid' and P.S. we found them!--perez friends (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I read that Paris [pictured right] gets $200K to swing by a party and pose for photos, so I believe it is appropriate to ridicule her. I don't think she'd have it any other way.)

"So, Mr. Shahzad, your perfectly conceived plan had one Achilles heel. That's right. These trunks." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the doofus who parked an SUV loaded with explosives in Times Square. If he had used a vehicle with a trunk, his plan might have worked. So I guess this is logical.)

"Mr. Shahzad, your Emirates Airline flight number was 202, you live at 202 Sheridan Street, Bridgeport, CT, yet your swim trunks are Speedo® Lunar Square Leg Swim Trunks -- Model No. 203. Why don't you come clean?!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Same Anti-Capper. same theme. Tim figured if he poked at this thing long enough he'd find something funny. )

Alright, Mr. alinla (if that's your real name). Tell the jury once again what happened to Harry Effron and explain why his shorts were stained with your man-seed.--JIm Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lawyer leaping to his feet would say "Asked and answered!" I assume "shorts" is a metaphor for the Anti-Cap contest and "man-seed" represents the caps (at least Jim didn't go with "skid-marks.") To address your points: "Al" is more or less my real name and I do live in L.A. Harry is a student at a prestigious university and has no time for this type of nonsense.I have included an artist's rendition of each of us. I'll let you guys decide who's who.)


Anonymous said...

PSA cap. The point at which your urologist decides to do a biopsy.

W.E.C. said...

JohnnyB's cap had my vote, if I had a vote.

Glenn said...

Winner reminds me of that ancient Confucius Says joke from childhood.

Confucius says, "Man with empty pockets feels foolish, but man with holey pockets feels nuts."

Anonymous said...

Hey! Hows about them Mets!

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