As long as we are boning up on the guidelines that bring order to the contest, a few people noted that last week's winner contained exactly 43 words. Apart from the fact that it's pretty pathetic that people sit there counting words, I freely acknowledge that 43 is greater that 25---which of course is the supposed word max. We are not about limits here. What sucks is when people post long-ass entries that have not a hint of wit, gross imagery, bad puns or offense language. Why waste everyone's time? If you really need to go long, try to make it worth our while. And if it's just tedious and stupid (but not in a good way) I will use my special powers to jettison it to kingdom.
The above cartoon drew an inordinately high number of responses last week (for some reason the comment counter stopped at 173, but trust me there were plenty more. UPDATE: 193 it turns out.) There were predictable caveman names like Zogg, Zorg, Ciroc and Grogg. And naturally the low brows in the image are imagined to speak in a fractured English favored by the Indians in old movies. While this may establish your intellectual and cultural superiority, I fear this looks like a cheap shot. (I guess, if nothing else, those obnoxious Geico commercials have increased sensitivity to the plight of caveman.) Leave a comment expressing joy, outrage or indifference.
Ancester of W clowns around while ancestors of Cheney and Rumsfeld plot pre-emptive strike on neighbor they believe has discovered fire too. --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great cap. As soon as I saw it I said "There's your winner!" Of course an ancestor of Sarah Palin would be outside accusing her opponent of "palling around with pyromaniacs."
Zorg stared and contemplated: Had it been such a wise idea to leave the hunter-gatherers to live with the sitter-jugglers? So hungry... Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent! This sounds like a cap from the aforementioned The Far Side. So creative, yet "Anonymous" is the best name you can concoct?)
What is this, Amateur Era?--Mr. Silly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is good enough for the real contest. And remember, if he drops one, it will be an "Amateur Error." )
It's all right for vaudeville. But it's not like he's inventing the wheel . . .
--Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He left off the "re" and made it topical in a pre-historic way. "Off B'way" may have worked better than "vauderville," but nice job as usual, Rog.)
"Man, this Ike Davis is really gonna help our team."-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Mets' fans will understand this. More importantly, Davis, the Met's new 1st baseman (pictured right), bares an amazing resemblance to some guy from Jersey (far right). Ike will soon learn that nothing is forgotten or forgiven.)
Natural museum exhibit of National league fans of New York from 1958-1962. Notice Yankee stadium burning in the distance.-- lanemcclain (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This refers to the years following the departure of the Dodgers and the Giants. The painful void would lead to the birth of the Mets, which in turn would lead to hardache punctuated by an occasional glimpse of joy. )
"Seen enough? Me too - what a fuckin' rookie." [to guest] "Okay, that was GREAT! Listen, we're pretty happy with our current fire supplier, so...yeah. Try us again in six months, maybe."
--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even prehistoric salesmen led lives of pointless demonstrations and endless rejections. That's what this is saying.)
"Now you say deal for stone wheels no happen? Then why me waste money bring you here to Benihana?" --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A similar theme. In the business world there is always a fear that you will do something nice for someone who can't help you.)
"Oh, totally! And then no-facial-hair-guy like totally gets caught in a net and he's like all 'something something stinkin' paws something damn-dirty ape'. And I'm like 'what the fuck was that?'" -- RL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good to know cavemen had the verbal tics of a typical 15 year-old-girl. )
The good shit doesn't happen until Raquel Welch shows up.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rocky [pictured right] will turn 70 in September, so maybe she really did know these guys.)
"Don't worry about the Indians beyond the bluff. They're Cleveland Indians."-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which means their season will be over by mid-June. Very friendly Indians indeed.)
"Yaagh mahchok choklo...zhum zhum."
Translation:"Since mastering fire, cavemen have become soft and feminized. At these retreats, we tap into our psychic primitivism to forge a new mythos through which we can again be real cavemen...And sometimes we circle-jerk, too."--Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't know what the original language adds but your point is well taken. I thought mythos was a breath mint.)
If you ask me, Thuk, he's playing with fire!-- Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so literal that it is not at all funny. I add it only because I too briefly considered it, but than I thought "How is that funny?")
"I'm telling you, there was a forth torch. I don't know where it went, but I swear to god, I saw four just a secod ago, and now I only see three. Weird!?"
TWO MINUTES LATER:
"The correct word is "fourth" you stupid caveman dickweed"
13 MINUTES LATER:
Yes, but I slipped "secod" by you, dumb shit.--Some Humptster (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I assume all three of these caps where submitted by the same self-loathing stoner who types faster than he thinks.)
The era here is pleistocene.-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cap that is more or less literally true.)
Xiuhtecuhtli, that crazy bastard! How the hell are you gonna beat this? (google it)
--Beavis and Butthead (heh, heh) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did. He's some kind of fire god. So this has a big word and it works, but isn't Beavis & Butthead a ltttle, like, kind os a 90's thing?)
"I just thought of a great name for this place. Detroit."-- Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I was actually thinking "Staten Island" or "Piscataway." But your point is well taken.)
"In 10,000 years, do you think Vegas will still suck this badly?"-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I hate to get technical, but he scene depicted is much older than 10,000 years. And would he really say "suck this badly?" But the cap reminded me of one I thought of: "Someday we'll watch this kind of crap on television.")
"That's nice considering he can't draw animals worth shit."-- Alcoholic Anonymous(JUDGE'S COMMENT: My wife laughed at this. I like to see her laugh.)
He's Dfal from the LAFD.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I sort of get this. It somehow references me.)
His solo act is getting tiresome. Isn't it time for him to address the issue of Harry's abscence?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay here goes: He stopped doing it because he
"Asbestos? Yeah....he's doing asbestos he can."-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice little pun, but asbestos is to fire what this cap is to funny. )
Get off my stage.--Roger McGaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to previous winner 4-year old Maya, whose presence looms large in this contest. Hers, of course, was much funnier than this, which is why it's way down here.)
"Get out of my seat."-- holden_c (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be a new classic. I'm fine with that as long as it's not interpreted as a reference to sodomy.)
"You invent the wheel. I'll invent the bear trap so that 4 year old won't steal our chairs again."-- jazzy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for introducing the image on an adorable 4-year old mangled in such a horrid device. You are a sick, twisted person who has a very warped perception of what's funny. I look forward to your future entries.)
"If only there was a way to capture this moment and all the rude things we've said about it. You know, for posterity."-- Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Done and done.)