RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #241

Note: The New Yorker magazine brain trust is obviously well aware of our Anti-Cap competition--and it's clear they frequent this blog. How do I know? I really don't, it's just a hunch I have smoking gun evidence.

Recently, in my comments I noted that the Anti-Cap is the only place where each and every entry is available for the world to see. Now, in a pathetic an apparent attempt to piggyback our successful format, visitors to the New Yorker web site can access a "Caption Archive" and see "other submitted captions."

Of course, they dangle this feature and then demand that you surrender personal info including your name, email address and phone number. After you confirm your email, you can access page after page of caps submitted to the "real contest." The thing is: you can only do this the week after they pick their winners. This means you must wait three weeks to see the also-ran caps. I know this because I bite the bullet and registered.

This archive thing may be long over due, but without doing a lick of research, I can assure you they will not include any entry that is crude, gross, sexually suggestive or--God forbid--racially insensitive. Maybe you can slip in something that is a riff on "The hours here are obscene" or "No Mr. Bond, I expect you die." but their white bread standards are impervious to the lure of potty humor and the like. That's just something they will have to live with. Also lets not forget that the Anti-Cap is the only place you can see my widely ridiculed highly anticipated Judge's Comments.

So rest assured Anti-Cappers, we retain a distinct advantage. Below are this week's winners and my two-cents. Leave a comment expressing your satisfaction, indifference or disdain.

WINNER

Short and pale and old and balding, the guy from KPMG goes walking And when he passes, each one he passes goes -- ugh.--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever song-parody winner. It is, of course, a very clever riff on "The Girl from Ipanema." KPMG is a global network of accountants, so this really works. Tim put a lot of thought into this--and it shows. Congratulations!)

SECOND PLACE
"It's right behind you."-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They may rule the world and make more money than everyone else, but pasty-faced suit and tie guys are often clueless when they are removed from their comfort zone. This cap, I believe, is a statement about that. )


THIRD PLACE
"I'm sorry sir, this beach is closed to people visibly haunted by their absurd and ultimately meaningless choices."-- Jared S (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A riff on the "haunted-by-the-face-of-my-victims" classic that also has an element of bitter reality. Yes, it hit close to home, but maybe that's why I picked it.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
."Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your surfboard's a foamie."-- Hung Ten (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A variation on seldom used Anti-Cap classic "Shut up Bob, Everyone knows your parrot's a clip-on." (See it here. ) It works because the guy looks inauthentic and the board looks like a phony--and yes everyone knows it. UPDATE: I am informed that "foamie" is a type of fake surf board, which would also make it a "phony" so I wasn't really wrong. )


You have a huge piece of ass-wipe stuck in your butt crack.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I personally hate jokes like this, but I feel it's consistent with the Anti-Cap approach. So, like the ACLU defending a Nazi's free speech rights, I am duty-bound give it its props.)
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I'm glad to see you've found suitable employment Mr. Paul, but tell me; if I should get into trouble out there, do you get to decide whether or not you want to rescue me?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great cap, Jim! After Kentucky voters nominated right wing kook Bull Connor Rand Paul for the senate, he promptly asserted that businesses should be free to discriminate. Left me to wonder: If a whites-only restaurant caught fire, can a black firefighter show up with marshmallows and a lawn chair?)
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"While you were gone? Let me see...Oh, yeah, the Mets beat the World Champions, 2 out of 3 games. Sweet."-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: After taking a series from that team in the Bronx (I can never remember their name), the Mets bitch slapped the Phils with three shutouts. I'll fondly remember this when they fall apart like a cheap suit in the rain down the stretch. Kathy clearly knows her audience.)


You're late again, Mr. Hasselhoff. I've been waiting in this giant director's chair for hours. Let's get some coffee in you and start our shoot.--CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once, while biking near the beach, I stumbled on a film crew shooting a scene for Baywatch. Many of the on-lookers where Hispanic men tauting David Hasselhoff for his perceived gayness. The bused-in extras were gorgeous blonds in skimpy bikinis who otherwise would not be caught dead on a public beach in L.A. (Malibu maybe, but not LA.) This cap, while not funny, reminded me of that.)


"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to... duuude."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of a reach but it works.)


"Whoa, Du-ude, your swimsuit's like SPF-200." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which is why he will avoid skin cancer. Think of this as a PSA-cap.)



"Oh, hi Charlie! Apparently you do surf."--Bill Kilgore (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A variation on a memorable line from "Apocalypse Now." Gives me an excuse to run a still from the film of Dennis Hopper who passed away at 74 last Friday. A terrific actor often pushed to the fringes and under appreciated. RIP.)



."Dude, what the hell is that? A giant security tag? A thing from an old hotel key? A plastic kite? A big tampon? A sarcophagus cover?"-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another "Dude" cap. This one tries to explain why the cartoonist could not be bothered to draw a real surf board.)


."That's surfing U.S.A., asshole, not kayaking U.S.A."-- Dave (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? Everyone knows what a surf board is supposed to look like--except the hack who rendered this toon.)


.Coming soon to a theater near you, Star Trek IX: A wrinkle in the time-space continuum triggers a Mexican standoff between Spock's human and Vulcan halves.-- Anonymous(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I do like Star Trek references and this is kind of imaginative so...)


From gull in air: "M'gaw, M'gaw." Man and lifeguard in unison, "Fuckin' A, what an annoying seagull!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A variation on a classic. Seagulls do emit annoying sounds, but so do many humans.)


Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" begins in background
"I haven't been the best father in the world; I know that. And I'll probably never understand the life you lead, and a lot of the choices you make. But, if the beach is this important to you, then - well - I want to be as much a part of your world as I can. So, how do I bang ten?"
*tears*
"That's `hang' ten, dad. `Hang' ten."
*music swells*
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free...
- Surf Academy 2: Waves & Babes, 1987-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is weird and it breaks the 25-word rule but Damon should get a lifebe very proud. Another cap worthy of an "A" for effort. Very thoughtful and creative Damon.)


"Hey poser suit-douche, just remember that I'll get more pussy in the next hour than you've had in your entire life. Enjoy surfing!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But if the suit and tie guy was mocking the lifeguard for being a beach-bum slacker with a low paying job, he would then be an arrogant asshole. That's just how it works.)
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"Take a left at Screw You Drive and then a hard right at Fuck You Boulevard." -- Dave (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Envy is the mother's milk of resentment. This is why people who dress nice are often mocked and ridiculed. This cap makes a statement about that.)


.This is not a bathing suit optional beach, buddy. Put on some proper attire.--- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The erstwhile JohnnyB checks in! Welcome back! This is one of the best caps you have ever entered.)


."Bennett...Surf? I thought you spelled your name Cerf. And, I thought you were dead."-- Kathy H (JUDGE's COMMENT: Very esoteric. Bennett Alfred Cerf (May 25, 1898 – August 27, 1971) was a co-founder of Random House and had a fondness for puns. Way to reach deep Kathy! )

Moondoggie, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?
"How the hell are you" is simply funnier than "how are you", regardless of the original. Knowing this, I sleep well at night.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I usually don't like when people add a footnote to validate their cap. But Rocko makes a good point and it gives me an excuse to run a photo of Annette Funicello and Frankie "Moondoggie" Avalon. )

"Look, the original Barsotti cartoon simply said, 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you? not 'Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you? ' That's what keeps me awake at night."-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And Kathy fires back. She also used a bunch of italics and bold face in this one proving once again she knows from html-coding.)


"admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’
or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’"-- r_zimmerman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a writer and critic who likes to prophesize with his pen (or, more likely, lap top), this hit home. As you may have seen, on Monday, I posted happy birthday wishes to Bob Dylan, a personal hero of mine. It's nice that someone noticed. This verse from "The Times They are a Changin'" seems appropriate since it deals with water. It also works on other levels. But remember, the loser now will be later on to win.)

alinla, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to find a job here? Oh, I get it. The suit is just to fool mrs. al. You can change in my cabana.--Jess Messing (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A little close to the bone, but in my defense the ocean has a calming effect and the suit makes me feel like I have some place to go.)

"Hello Al. Yes, I did know that 'chum' meant those two things... You must think your readers retarded."-- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have learned not to assume that anyone knows anything. And, please, they are not "my" readers they belong to someone else. I'm just usurping.)

"Does al stay up really late or get up really early? How do I know? But I do suggest you lose the tie, buddy."--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I know it says the cartoon was posted at 4:08 am, but use your noggin. That's East Coast time! I refer to myself as "al in la" because I live in Los Angeles, which is in the western part of the country. Here in the west, it was only 1:08 am. Does that help clear it up for you, Dude?)

"Sir, may I ask what you think you're doing?"
"Anything is better than another week of horrible captions." --Grant May 24, 2010 3:03 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I included both caps and the date there were posted for two reasons. Grant decided that the caps where horrible after only two days. And he did so after he submitted a dumb, listless cap that has absolutely no humor value. So to re-cap. (Get it? Re-CAP?) Grant is contributing to the very situation he is prematurely criticizing. This is irrational, irresponsible and very unfair. Nice work my friend! You are clearly one of us. )