RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #237

NOTE: SOMETIMES I THINK THE NEW YOREKR cartoonists resent having their work used as fodder for the Caption Contest and--as one Anti-Cap this week suggests--just pull something from their buttock and throw it against the wall. This particular toon looks like something you'd doddle while waiting on hold. It's like the artist spilled White-Out on a half done drawing, added a face to one of the blots and called it a day. And what's with the pointy noses?
NOT SURPRISINGLY Anti-Caps submitted this week where mostly lame. There were some game attempts but nothing memorable. I could see this coming. Minutes after posting the image there was a fart joke. More would follow. A bit more high brow but no less predictable were caps about the Housing Bubble, Mr. Bubble and Bubbles the Chimp. Someone even trotted out Lawrence Welk.
THEN THERE WAS THE MAYA-FACTOR. No less than 11 Anti-Caps referenced last week's highly controversial winner--4 year old Maya Walker [pictured right, artist's recreation.] Her mom left a cease and desist nice comment assuring me that her little girl thought up the cap on her own. They did not tell Maya that she won because there is no trophy or other actual prize to confer. I guess the real prize is knowing you bested a bunch of people who are, presumably older than four.It also looks like she is not going to defend her crown any time soon. But amid all the uninspired cap this week there was a Star Trek related entry. It had all the elements.
HERE THEN ARE LAST WEEK'S winners. Please leave a comment exhulting my efforts or dragging me through the mud. I find the validation comforting, either way.

WINNER
"I got so constipated it collapsed into a singularity and created a space/time anal fissure. Now every time I fart another temporal reflection of me pops out. The consensus on the Star Trek chat room is that I need a dekyon colonic." --Six of Nine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Inventive, authentic, juvenile, gross...do I need to rave on? Thanks, Six. in a week where others had stowed their proton torpedoes and switched to stun [humor wise] you blasted thought. This cap is also somewhat plausible. In a zero-gravity environment constipation is unavoidable. Nice mix of important sounding words and gross imagery. Perhaps you are related to the the Star Trek character [pictured right] Seven of Nine. )


SECOND PLACE
How can he be so effervescent when the housing bubble's just burst? -- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is good enough to be briefly considered then rejected by the real contest. Johnny did put some thought into this and tried to make lemonade from a lemon. He failed of course but at least he's getting closer.)



HONORALE MENTIONS
"Look, this is obviously one of their more mediocre efforts. So, I suggest that we just calm down, submit our usual adequate captions, and get on with our lives. OK?" -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I thought this captured the spirit very well. Adequate may be setting the bar a little high, though.)
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I see you've pulled another idea for a cartoon out of your ass.-- D. Remnick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good ideas can also be retrieved from one's butt, but not this time.)


"He was going to write a caption here, but he's all elated now because he thinks it's just so good that the New Yorker will choose it. Jerk." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Happens all the time. But know this: if you send it to the New Yorker it'd most likely be seen only by an intern. Post it to our contest and everyone can see it and make fun of it. Your call.)
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"Cartoonist got Paintbrush for Windows 3.0. Welcome to 1990."
-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cap about the process. It really looks the artist was screwing around with Paint Brush and hit "send" by mistake.)

"No, Jenson - it's not a wall mural. See how it passed in front of me? So you'll have to try a different caption." -- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Preferably one that's funny. )
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"Yes I viciously drowned my twin brother in a bubble bath years ago. Why do you ask?" --wizalt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like JohnnyB, wizalt actually tried to address the cartoon. The fratricide angle gives it Anti-Cap cred.)

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If you really want to fuck with him call him Mr. Met. -- lanemcclain (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach but Mr. Met [pictured right] does have a circular head and I'm a big Mets fan so it's a keeper. )
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I just can't pull myself together since we went 5-12 down the stretch in '07. Fuck it.-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here is a crytic mention of the Mets melt-down. Mets fans--like Anti-Cap fans--have learned to take the good with the bad. )

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"Stare at it and squint your eyes. Does it look like an erect penis to you?" --Jess Askin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I was wondering if I was the only one who saw that.)

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"Who's going to blow Michael Jackson's Bubbles now?" -- Roger McGaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just awful. MJ may have transformed music, but you Roger have transformed "blowing bubbles" into a double entendre we can live with out.)

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You're right, Brewanetti--it is hard to draw a cartoon with just a circle template. Maybe you could jazz it up with a straight line and some half-assed characters."--c1w (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The result: half-assed Anti-Caps.)

"___________! " -- Ignatz H (Unborn son of Tim H) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a bunch of Anti-Caps referencing last week's winners. This was either the least or the most imaginative, I'm not sure.)

BAA-BLL !!!-- Liam Changstein (my 2-year-old son) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe this is exactly what a 2 year old would say. Gotta like the honesty.)

"Then stick it in a pencil sharpener. They're not gonna pop themselves." --dwilk, age 4 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: dwilk is a frequent participant in the contest. Never before has he revealed his age. This explains a lot.)

"bark bark bark, Ruff Ruff, GROU-WELLLL GROU-WELLLLLL!!!" -- Rod Steiger's dog(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who better to render the lamest caption of the week?)

"Woof!" -- April (Walt's five-year-old mini schnauzer) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A much better cap if only because Walt reveals the age and breed. I hope Rod's pooch is significantly shamed."

My best advice, Vicar, is that the next time a 4 year old posts "booty bubbles" then just delete it. --lanemcclain (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I just hope that's not your best caption. Oh yeah, I guess it is.)

"Hi, I'm Rich Lather, and I like contributing to the New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption contest. I won once; let's be friends."-- Rich Lather (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah right, like a four-year old is going to use a semi-colon. Nice try Rich--if THAT is your real name.)

Get out of my office. --Rocko (with a nod to Maya) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's nice that you gave props to the kid, but they don't appear to be in an office because the cartoonist was to lazy to add a setting.)

Get back in your chair. -- Jim Cavanaugh (60 year-old)
Don't take it too seriously. It's just a cheap stunt to gain undue recognition. -- Jim Cavanaugh

Would you ask your 4-year-old to stop trying to amuse us now? -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Talk about a cheap stunt to gain recognition, Jim coughed up three caps tied to last week's winner. And in regard to No. 3, don't be such a sour puss, Jim. She clearly succeeded. Jealous?)

"He makes a close the whole place stinks with his farts for a week." -- Roma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a slight variation on a line from David Mamet's excellent play Glengarry Glen Ross. I just want people to know I know that.)

Damn! Silent but headly. How about a warning next time? -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I think Jim meant "deadly." And how would that warning go: "Stand back! Fire in the hole!" Maybe Jim should go with fewer caps and pay a little more attention to each one.)

"I'm Fartacus!" --Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No need to prove it. We'll take your word.)

ALERT ME
Want us to e-mail you when next week's cartoon becomes avilable?
________________________ -- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Extra credit for the misspelling. Shows you really don't care.)

"Effervescence, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you?" --RL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apart from being an Anti-Cap classic, this first name is not uncommon among adorable African-American girls who are into double-dutch jump rope.)

Rhinoplasty, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you going to fit in here without it? -- CRC(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A really weird name for nose jobs, I think we all agree.)

I don't know; I just sort of gravitated to sales after leaving the Lawrence Welk Show" --MC(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Obscure reference, I'll give you that; but zero humor value. It's okay to admit that you're old enough to have watched L.W. but why admit that you did?)

"Damn it, man! You forgot to run a rinse cycle on the seven astronaut trainees!" --Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Wile E. has clearly mastered HTML coding. Last week he linked to a walrus who grossed out even the other walruses [Thanks again, man.] This week he links to a previous cartoon [pictured right] that has people stuffed into washing machines. The effort has not gone unnoticed.

"Dude, it's 4/20."-- Anonymous April 20, 2010 11:50 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Included the day & time to show that it was posted on April 20, 10 minutes before mid-night. Excellent timing and a poignant statement about how stoners can be slow to do something.)

"Dude, this is the best 4/20 ever."--Grant (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Posted two days later making it any even more poignant statement.)