RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #236

Note: This week, after carefully considering the predictable drivel . other outstanding entries, I settled on an Anti-Cap that was--we are told--submitted by 4-year old girl. Yes. of course, I allow for the possibility that the ID and age is just a cheap stunt to gain undue recognition. (Our security team is looking into it.) Also, I realize that your typical 4-year old has an edge over many adults trying to Anti-Cap. The innocence and honesty of a child is welcome relieve from some of the other "entries" thrust upon us last week. Which brings me to this:
Submit what you want, but let's keep the focus on the toon. And please don't post under anyone else's name or nom de plume. Back and fourth asides, cryptic messages and the pathetic rantings of cry baby assholes delusional paranoids only gum up the works for everyone else. Annoying and funny are polar opposites. If you really need to attack someone with an entry, please make it funny and/or ironic and keep in under 25 words. (And btw: al in la is lower case and my mother is no longer with us, so don't go there, okay?) I'd caution Anti-Cappers not to take it too seriously, but I know how people can get. I once played in a softball game on Staten Island that ultimately required five cops cars to settle a dispute. (I still say that guy was out!)
Rest assured the Anti-Cap Contest remains the perfect forum for even the most awful jokes, gags, riffs or puns. Case in point: when I saw that the cartoon had a form of sea life I knew it would bring forth crude references to female anatomy. The presence of a woman and an animal would certainly inspire caps pegged to bestiality. Seldom are these entries funny, but they are to be expected and, I guess, even encouraged. But shock value is a fickle mistress and there's a tedium that sets in. Larry Flint could tell you that.
pissed off Anti-Cappers remind me of an episode of The Sopranos where a guy in Tony's go-go bar, the Bada Bing, tries to unload his tale of woe on a dancer. As she recoils in disgust she tells him: "Lighten up, okay? It's a fucking topless bar." (My apologies to this week's winner.)
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WINNER
"Get out of my chair." -- Maya Walker (my 4-year-old daughter) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Congratulations to Maya! She nailed it. [I hope her dad prints this out and puts in on the refrigerator--as I did when I won.] When I clicked the link it took me to a the blog of Jesse Walker. Thank you, Jesse, your little girl reminds us all of that you don't have to work blue to be funny. I trust that if she's old enough to read, you DON'T allow her to see the contest [or this blog].)

SECOND PLACE
"Well, Obama DID promise us chum."-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT Nice little adjustment to the Anti-Cap pioneered by Jon Stewart. I'm probably over thinking this, but changing "change" to "chum" works on a levels that are nautical, literary and political. Maybe Jon posted this. Maybe Radosh wrote it for him. Barry also is rumored to be an Anti-Capper. So you never know.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You can't stay here."--Deborah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great! Almost as good as this week's winner. Naturally we assume the woman in the cartoon is a lonely New York gal who took this guy home, banged him silly, and now wants him the hell out. No matter which side of that equation you find yourself on, it's awkward.)
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"I need a real manatee."-- Dex (JUDGE COMMENT: Dex's cap was sandwiched top and bottom by non-caps prattling on about something or other [I honestly don't read long-ass rants. I just delete them.] Dex had the mental disciple to ignore the noise. I wanted to assure him his clever pun and word efficiency was appreciated. Also reminded me of the very cool tranny name "Anita Mann.")
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"We promised them a lot more than that hopey, changey stuff, didn't we, John?"-- !JS (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It helps if you realize the woman is supposed to be a former government official turned Right Wing it-girl, and the walrus is a war hero who ultimately turned on his country. More feral than maverick, if you ask me.)
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"You look like a walrus; I'm not fucking kidding."--Abe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He really does, which is why this is funny.)

Wally Backman, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not managing the Mets?---Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apart from being a variation on an Anti-Cap classic, this works on several levels. Backman (pictured right) was a 2nd baseman for the Mets in the 80's and has a face that vaguely recalls a walrus. In 04' he was named manager of the Diamondbacks but was abruptly fired when they learned he was a wife beater and a deadbeat had personal issues. He will manager the Mets' Brooklyn Cyclones minor league team this season. So it all worked out.)

“Hey, here’s another clue for you all. Paul’s a lazy, small-tusked sack of shit that can’t please his woman. Goo goo g’joob.”--MC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's worth knowing that MC posted this on Monday just four minutes after the cartoon went up on Radosh.net. This says to me he was waiting to pounce like a cat who hears the can opener. Also I can not see a walrus and not think of that line.)

For the last time, I don't know anything about any damn egg man!-- Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Konrad is also showing his demographic. )

No, "egg man" is not my screen name and no, I have not been on any beastiality web sites lately!--Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not satisfied, Konrad had to push the envelope. Great song, btw, but I always thought "Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye." was totally gross. )
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Honey? Try not be too happy about this but something terrible has happened downstairs. John's dead. Yes, dear...Lennon. -- lanemcclain (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I swear we would have known which "John" you meant. I was tempted to say "too soon" but I think that's only because 12/8/80 was one of the worst days of my life.)
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"So, your goddamned Mets are 2-6 so far. Hmmm...oh, that's right, they're on the same pace as the 1962 team. Y'know, the one that went 40-120!"-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What this has to do with the cartoon, I don't know. But Yes, Kathy, I too am very concerned. UPDATE: I'm writing this after watching the Mets best the Cards 2-1 in 20 innings. They look like a team that might actually give a shit this year.)
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Dear, you're supposed to be able to eat as many as 5,000 saltwater clams at a single feeding. How about eating a single bearded one?"-- Celeste (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See what I mean about the female/anatomy thing? This reminds us that foul-tasting is worse than tasteless.)

"Time to play with the Beaver, Wally."-- June Cleaver (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The classic line is when June Cleaver asks her husband Ward if he might have been "too hard on the Beaver last night." Good obscure reference. Tasteless, but not in a bad way.)

Wilford Brimely, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The veteran character actor, now 75, certainly does have that walrus thing going on. But this is the best you could do with it?)
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"It's pronounced 'dia-beee-teees,' Wilfred."-- MrMoonPie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Much better. This is a reference to his folksy pronunciation in the ads for Liberty Medical. He has a way of making you feel like you are in some kind of trouble when he speaks.)

"Don't try and hide it behind that book...I know you were fellating yourself again."-- Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wile E. was good enough to provide a link to a video of a walrus doing just that. I think the technique is informally know as "pulling a Ron Jeremy" although the walrus is actually in much better physical shape.)

"One rose...one lousy rose. Go fuck yourself!"-- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A similar concept to the previous cap. Could have said "Go blow yourself" and provided the YouTube link. There is in fact one rose, so you gotta like the eye for detail.)

"Nothing!!!"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My wife said this is funny. I not sure why but it''s the shortest cap so I like it.)

"Hey blubberbutt, the Deadliest Catch is not just a show on Discovery- you tested positive for syphilis."-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As STDs go maybe "crabs"--though technically not a disease-- might have worked better. No? )

No pond, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry up.-- CRC
Free Willy, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you here instead?-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is clear CRC searches for ways to somehow incorporate classic Anti- Caps. I want to encourage that. To be clear, when I wondered What rhymes with "Bond" and relates to water?" I too came up with "Pond." The second cap reminds me of an actual headline concerning the Lorena Bobbitt incident: "Angry Wife Frees Willy.")

The oysters here are obscene.-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A soft entry from the otherwise dependable JohhnyB. I wanted to keep his Honorable Mention streak in tact.)
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Be alert Wally; the otters here are mean.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slightly better than Johnny's, but I think a walrus would dispatch an otter. And isn't "Wally" a little obvious?)

To think I could have married Bobby Seal(e).-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dream on, girlfriend. If Seale married a white woman he'd lose all street cred. Still, it's a good far reaching pun.)

I just went online and edited your Wikipedia entry. Have fun explaining to your Sea World whore why your kind likes golden showers and scat porn."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like the "Sea World whore" but why would a walrus take a shower? And did you really need to go with "scat"to make your point?)

"John Goodman and Melissa Leo in the Season premiere of Treme-- connor (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This gets a nod because I like the show. Still it's a reach. Although Goodman had to lose weight to play Babe Ruth he is still a few years away from a true walrus look. Also, either use quote marks or don't use quote marks. You can't have it both ways.)

"Get that damn sun out of my eyes! It's the middle of the night!"-- ECB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clearly ECB was searching for something to work with. A possible alternative: "The Shadows here are extreme." )

"Let me guess. Under The Tusk and Sun?"--Bev .(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references the book & film Under the Tuscan Sun. We are to believe that the walrus is just someone who's really really into playing charades. Bev clearly put a lot of thought into this one.)

You're reading the caption no talent list, let me know when you get to "bg".-- Roger McGaugh(JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Oh yeah! Well there's a whole chapter about you, buddy!" This is part of a petty back and fourth, but at least it's in the form of an Anti-Cap. [Quote marks next time, okay?] It's important to know bg started it. And yes, we all agree, that list would be quite long.)

"Fucking online ordering! 'Every chair purchase over $599 comes with a smart looking wall rug.'" --Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds me of a Tea Party sign that accused Obama of supporting 'Youth in Asia." This is actually a very good cap, Rob.)

"Look. I cannot come in here every time you get stuck trying to solve KenKen®. Capiche?"-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Turns out KenKen is a math and logic puzzle designed to build brain power without instruction. So at least the walrus is trying to better himself. "Capiche" is Italian for "You got it, asshole?" )

Well you're no Heidi Klum.--Roger Kaputnik
(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)--Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It would seem Roger K. posted the first cap and quickly realized almost no one would get it. He immediately posted a separate cap with a parenthetical explanation. This is highly conscientious and a bit pathetic. Also, when you consider that it's the woman in the cartoon who is speaking, it's illogical. Still, I can't help but wonder if Heidi [pictured right] goes by "Klum-Seal.")

I think the funniest comment so far is Roger Kaputnik's -- if that's his real name -- "(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)." Although I believe that, even though the singer goes by a single name, he's not so much of a douche to put them all in CAPS.]--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to discourage this type of back seat judging so let me say, Anonymouse--if that's your real alias--it may be clever and esoteric but it's not funny. Funny seldom needs an explanation. And, it's also not a "comment" it's an "entry." And the letters are not "CAPS" they are "upper-case." )
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How fucked is it that Cheney was still on the loose drawing cartoons last week when he should have been in a line-up himself? (ENTRANTS COMMENT: Yes, I entered it last week, and yes, it is probably too obvious, but it has merit in that it both references the contest and takes a swipe at our former defacto President, whose evil-doings while in office may never be fully exposed. Re-submitting it is akin to subjecting you to a second session of water-boarding after the first one did not produce the desired result.) --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I see "ENTRANT'S COMMENT" I think of something like "Of course I love you, baby. Now hold still." You can't go wrong dissing Vice of course, but you're not going to enter this cap every week now, are you?"

"The anti-caption contest has become as lame and unfunny as the caption contest." --Perry O'Dontal (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thank you Perry for providing a textbook example of "Attacking by Anti-Cappping" (patent pending). It's completely plausible that the woman is a long time participant in the contest and she is sharing this lament with her walrus lover. Maybe people reading it will be shamed into being funnier and less lame. )
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