Thursday, April 15, 2010

RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #236

Note: This week, after carefully considering the predictable drivel . other outstanding entries, I settled on an Anti-Cap that was--we are told--submitted by 4-year old girl. Yes. of course, I allow for the possibility that the ID and age is just a cheap stunt to gain undue recognition. (Our security team is looking into it.) Also, I realize that your typical 4-year old has an edge over many adults trying to Anti-Cap. The innocence and honesty of a child is welcome relieve from some of the other "entries" thrust upon us last week. Which brings me to this:
Submit what you want, but let's keep the focus on the toon. And please don't post under anyone else's name or nom de plume. Back and fourth asides, cryptic messages and the pathetic rantings of cry baby assholes delusional paranoids only gum up the works for everyone else. Annoying and funny are polar opposites. If you really need to attack someone with an entry, please make it funny and/or ironic and keep in under 25 words. (And btw: al in la is lower case and my mother is no longer with us, so don't go there, okay?) I'd caution Anti-Cappers not to take it too seriously, but I know how people can get. I once played in a softball game on Staten Island that ultimately required five cops cars to settle a dispute. (I still say that guy was out!)
Rest assured the Anti-Cap Contest remains the perfect forum for even the most awful jokes, gags, riffs or puns. Case in point: when I saw that the cartoon had a form of sea life I knew it would bring forth crude references to female anatomy. The presence of a woman and an animal would certainly inspire caps pegged to bestiality. Seldom are these entries funny, but they are to be expected and, I guess, even encouraged. But shock value is a fickle mistress and there's a tedium that sets in. Larry Flint could tell you that.
pissed off Anti-Cappers remind me of an episode of The Sopranos where a guy in Tony's go-go bar, the Bada Bing, tries to unload his tale of woe on a dancer. As she recoils in disgust she tells him: "Lighten up, okay? It's a fucking topless bar." (My apologies to this week's winner.)
"Get out of my chair." -- Maya Walker (my 4-year-old daughter) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Congratulations to Maya! She nailed it. [I hope her dad prints this out and puts in on the refrigerator--as I did when I won.] When I clicked the link it took me to a the blog of Jesse Walker. Thank you, Jesse, your little girl reminds us all of that you don't have to work blue to be funny. I trust that if she's old enough to read, you DON'T allow her to see the contest [or this blog].)

"Well, Obama DID promise us chum."-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT Nice little adjustment to the Anti-Cap pioneered by Jon Stewart. I'm probably over thinking this, but changing "change" to "chum" works on a levels that are nautical, literary and political. Maybe Jon posted this. Maybe Radosh wrote it for him. Barry also is rumored to be an Anti-Capper. So you never know.)

"You can't stay here."--Deborah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great! Almost as good as this week's winner. Naturally we assume the woman in the cartoon is a lonely New York gal who took this guy home, banged him silly, and now wants him the hell out. No matter which side of that equation you find yourself on, it's awkward.)
"I need a real manatee."-- Dex (JUDGE COMMENT: Dex's cap was sandwiched top and bottom by non-caps prattling on about something or other [I honestly don't read long-ass rants. I just delete them.] Dex had the mental disciple to ignore the noise. I wanted to assure him his clever pun and word efficiency was appreciated. Also reminded me of the very cool tranny name "Anita Mann.")
"We promised them a lot more than that hopey, changey stuff, didn't we, John?"-- !JS (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It helps if you realize the woman is supposed to be a former government official turned Right Wing it-girl, and the walrus is a war hero who ultimately turned on his country. More feral than maverick, if you ask me.)
"You look like a walrus; I'm not fucking kidding."--Abe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He really does, which is why this is funny.)

Wally Backman, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not managing the Mets?---Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apart from being a variation on an Anti-Cap classic, this works on several levels. Backman (pictured right) was a 2nd baseman for the Mets in the 80's and has a face that vaguely recalls a walrus. In 04' he was named manager of the Diamondbacks but was abruptly fired when they learned he was a wife beater and a deadbeat had personal issues. He will manager the Mets' Brooklyn Cyclones minor league team this season. So it all worked out.)

“Hey, here’s another clue for you all. Paul’s a lazy, small-tusked sack of shit that can’t please his woman. Goo goo g’joob.”--MC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's worth knowing that MC posted this on Monday just four minutes after the cartoon went up on This says to me he was waiting to pounce like a cat who hears the can opener. Also I can not see a walrus and not think of that line.)

For the last time, I don't know anything about any damn egg man!-- Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Konrad is also showing his demographic. )

No, "egg man" is not my screen name and no, I have not been on any beastiality web sites lately!--Konrad Schwoerke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not satisfied, Konrad had to push the envelope. Great song, btw, but I always thought "Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye." was totally gross. )
Honey? Try not be too happy about this but something terrible has happened downstairs. John's dead. Yes, dear...Lennon. -- lanemcclain (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I swear we would have known which "John" you meant. I was tempted to say "too soon" but I think that's only because 12/8/80 was one of the worst days of my life.)
"So, your goddamned Mets are 2-6 so far. Hmmm...oh, that's right, they're on the same pace as the 1962 team. Y'know, the one that went 40-120!"-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What this has to do with the cartoon, I don't know. But Yes, Kathy, I too am very concerned. UPDATE: I'm writing this after watching the Mets best the Cards 2-1 in 20 innings. They look like a team that might actually give a shit this year.)
Dear, you're supposed to be able to eat as many as 5,000 saltwater clams at a single feeding. How about eating a single bearded one?"-- Celeste (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See what I mean about the female/anatomy thing? This reminds us that foul-tasting is worse than tasteless.)

"Time to play with the Beaver, Wally."-- June Cleaver (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The classic line is when June Cleaver asks her husband Ward if he might have been "too hard on the Beaver last night." Good obscure reference. Tasteless, but not in a bad way.)

Wilford Brimely, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The veteran character actor, now 75, certainly does have that walrus thing going on. But this is the best you could do with it?)
"It's pronounced 'dia-beee-teees,' Wilfred."-- MrMoonPie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Much better. This is a reference to his folksy pronunciation in the ads for Liberty Medical. He has a way of making you feel like you are in some kind of trouble when he speaks.)

"Don't try and hide it behind that book...I know you were fellating yourself again."-- Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wile E. was good enough to provide a link to a video of a walrus doing just that. I think the technique is informally know as "pulling a Ron Jeremy" although the walrus is actually in much better physical shape.)

"One lousy rose. Go fuck yourself!"-- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A similar concept to the previous cap. Could have said "Go blow yourself" and provided the YouTube link. There is in fact one rose, so you gotta like the eye for detail.)

"Nothing!!!"--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My wife said this is funny. I not sure why but it''s the shortest cap so I like it.)

"Hey blubberbutt, the Deadliest Catch is not just a show on Discovery- you tested positive for syphilis."-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As STDs go maybe "crabs"--though technically not a disease-- might have worked better. No? )

No pond, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dry up.-- CRC
Free Willy, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you here instead?-- CRC
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is clear CRC searches for ways to somehow incorporate classic Anti- Caps. I want to encourage that. To be clear, when I wondered What rhymes with "Bond" and relates to water?" I too came up with "Pond." The second cap reminds me of an actual headline concerning the Lorena Bobbitt incident: "Angry Wife Frees Willy.")

The oysters here are obscene.-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A soft entry from the otherwise dependable JohhnyB. I wanted to keep his Honorable Mention streak in tact.)
Be alert Wally; the otters here are mean.-- Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Slightly better than Johnny's, but I think a walrus would dispatch an otter. And isn't "Wally" a little obvious?)

To think I could have married Bobby Seal(e).-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dream on, girlfriend. If Seale married a white woman he'd lose all street cred. Still, it's a good far reaching pun.)

I just went online and edited your Wikipedia entry. Have fun explaining to your Sea World whore why your kind likes golden showers and scat porn."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like the "Sea World whore" but why would a walrus take a shower? And did you really need to go with "scat"to make your point?)

"John Goodman and Melissa Leo in the Season premiere of Treme-- connor (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This gets a nod because I like the show. Still it's a reach. Although Goodman had to lose weight to play Babe Ruth he is still a few years away from a true walrus look. Also, either use quote marks or don't use quote marks. You can't have it both ways.)

"Get that damn sun out of my eyes! It's the middle of the night!"-- ECB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clearly ECB was searching for something to work with. A possible alternative: "The Shadows here are extreme." )

"Let me guess. Under The Tusk and Sun?"--Bev .(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references the book & film Under the Tuscan Sun. We are to believe that the walrus is just someone who's really really into playing charades. Bev clearly put a lot of thought into this one.)

You're reading the caption no talent list, let me know when you get to "bg".-- Roger McGaugh(JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Oh yeah! Well there's a whole chapter about you, buddy!" This is part of a petty back and fourth, but at least it's in the form of an Anti-Cap. [Quote marks next time, okay?] It's important to know bg started it. And yes, we all agree, that list would be quite long.)

"Fucking online ordering! 'Every chair purchase over $599 comes with a smart looking wall rug.'" --Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds me of a Tea Party sign that accused Obama of supporting 'Youth in Asia." This is actually a very good cap, Rob.)

"Look. I cannot come in here every time you get stuck trying to solve KenKen®. Capiche?"-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Turns out KenKen is a math and logic puzzle designed to build brain power without instruction. So at least the walrus is trying to better himself. "Capiche" is Italian for "You got it, asshole?" )

Well you're no Heidi Klum.--Roger Kaputnik
(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)--Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It would seem Roger K. posted the first cap and quickly realized almost no one would get it. He immediately posted a separate cap with a parenthetical explanation. This is highly conscientious and a bit pathetic. Also, when you consider that it's the woman in the cartoon who is speaking, it's illogical. Still, I can't help but wonder if Heidi [pictured right] goes by "Klum-Seal.")

I think the funniest comment so far is Roger Kaputnik's -- if that's his real name -- "(Heidi Klum is married to SEAL)." Although I believe that, even though the singer goes by a single name, he's not so much of a douche to put them all in CAPS.]--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I want to discourage this type of back seat judging so let me say, Anonymouse--if that's your real alias--it may be clever and esoteric but it's not funny. Funny seldom needs an explanation. And, it's also not a "comment" it's an "entry." And the letters are not "CAPS" they are "upper-case." )
How fucked is it that Cheney was still on the loose drawing cartoons last week when he should have been in a line-up himself? (ENTRANTS COMMENT: Yes, I entered it last week, and yes, it is probably too obvious, but it has merit in that it both references the contest and takes a swipe at our former defacto President, whose evil-doings while in office may never be fully exposed. Re-submitting it is akin to subjecting you to a second session of water-boarding after the first one did not produce the desired result.) --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I see "ENTRANT'S COMMENT" I think of something like "Of course I love you, baby. Now hold still." You can't go wrong dissing Vice of course, but you're not going to enter this cap every week now, are you?"

"The anti-caption contest has become as lame and unfunny as the caption contest." --Perry O'Dontal (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thank you Perry for providing a textbook example of "Attacking by Anti-Cappping" (patent pending). It's completely plausible that the woman is a long time participant in the contest and she is sharing this lament with her walrus lover. Maybe people reading it will be shamed into being funnier and less lame. )


james said...

Once again, thanks for the comments. How appropiate to give the nod to a child this week.


Anonymous said...

[Actually, it's Anonymouse]

al in la,

Excellent pick for 1st place.

And, I apologize for my forgetting the raison d'être of the Contest. (Although, four out of five Staten Island cops would agree with me that "upper case" and "CAPS" are the exact same thing.) But, I digress.

Now, on with the funny!

Rona Kobell said...


My name is Rona and I am the mother of the 4-year-old in question. I would just like to assure your readers that Maya came up with this caption all by herself. It happened as I was cooking dinner and reading the New Yorker. She saw the cartoon and said, "What is that? a fish in a chair?" I explained to her the nature of captions, how they work, and showed her a couple in the magazine. Then I asked her if she wanted to enter a contest to write her own. What did she think was going on in the picture? "Get out of my chair!" She exclaimed. I loved it, immediately, and wanted to send it in to the real thing, but they won't allow submissions under 18, and let's face it, being four gives her a leg up. My husband had the idea to submit it to the anti-caption contest. To be honest, when I read the other entries, I wasn't sure she'd make it. Many were hilarious.

So, we are very proud of her...but, if I tell her she won, she will ask if it comes with a trophy. I'm guessing it doesn't?

Anonymous said...

[Actually, it's...sigh... Anonymouse]

Dear Maya's Mom,

I think al in la will be more that thrilled to somehow scrounge up a trophy for your budding "kid with a great sense of humor."

(I'd do it myself, but, unfortunately I must remain anonymous. For I am "Anonymouse.")

Please nurture the young girl and let her continue her Anti-Caption writing career.


al in la said...


Thanks for the insider info. Your dauther's cap was very preceptive (as is your asumption that there is no trophy.) She is believed to be the youngest winner in Anti-Cap history. How proud you must be.

al in la

Anonymous said...

Another good week from LA! I'm not to happy about this weeks toon and not even sure I'll enter but I'll be here next week waiting to read!


Anonymous said...

Hey so I was reading about male enhancement pills and other shit, found this pretty awesome blog here:

[url=]Male Enhancement[/url]

What do you think of this stuff?

Anonymous said...

saw this super hot picture... check it out


Anonymous said...

i'm new... hope to post approximately more time after time!

Anonymous said...

i'm new... anticipation to despatch approximately more often!

Anonymous said...

Thanks :)
-- купить фильмы
для сайта

locking shoe cuffs bondage stories said...

I was thinking of buying Stephanie a cake orsomething. ``Am I under arrest.
hot free preteen sex taboo stories
stories teen firstime sex
erotic taboo momsex stories
women dog sex stories
fuck stories
I was thinking of buying Stephanie a cake orsomething. ``Am I under arrest.

Anonymous said...

Этот пост — одно из немногих исключений, когда читаешь с удовольствием и что-то для себя выносишь. Спасибо Вам. Добавлю в избранное[url=].[/url] :)

Anonymous said...

is If the line slopes from top left to bottom right, Y R - Y L will be negative and thus the slope will be negative. We only want viagra , liming of the lake or catchment is undertaken, calcium concentrations will increase and K will become positive such that reintroduced fish have a reasonable chance of long-term survival (Smith buy viagra uk 455 From the psychological and behavioural standpoint, depression, lethargy, and fatigue are usually among the first symptoms of thyroid disease

Anonymous said...

Well, my doctor was right lumigan uk Start to eat lesser meals
or that many recurrent tension headaches and some migraines can result from strains to the muscles, tendons and joints of the upper back, cervical spine and its attachments to the skull cymbalta price Most people feel anxious or depressed at times
You could also as well throw away any old brush and also any contaminated makeup viagra for women au Many causes of foot pain are due to foot injuries and, as such, nerve tests are extremely effective at pinpointing such injuries
Fitness requires a continued regiment of exercise and when you combine this with a healthy eating plan you will find that you will be in great shape in no time generic iressa Yogurt has a soothing and cooling effect when we apply to the infected areas
To treat severe attacks known to originate in an allergic response, an inhalant may be prescribed Clarinex On most cases, however, a handful of asthmatics are resistant to steroids, a widely known and used current asthma treatment

Anonymous said...

This is the second year KFW has featured a dedicated vintage themed event on the programme and, once again, the remit is to produce an evening dedicated to celebrating authentic vintage style from the 1940's to the late 80's.. (Don google them. north face sale Using began for being an highly sought after most women sportswear make, all the Juicy Premium has recently branched into accent products the right, improving their most respected signature style that will women of all ages boots or shoes and also chanel purses. ghd rare leopard edition try to make this a part of everyday life, and raise our kids to understand that there are hardships in everyone lives, and that we just have to move forward. ghd australia I learned from a 90 year old woman that if you put your mind on something you need or want , you WILL find it, I used to take her out every week to all the thriftstores in Puyallup, Tacoma area.

Anonymous said...

Gaia Interactive . And that how it began.. uggs canada GameDuell . north face These jeans are loved by many women since those can show off their curves. Lucidera .

Anonymous said...

Jewellery and femininity go hand in hand. uggs Among the many charitable organizations was Angel 34, a local nonprofit started by Nicole Sheriff to raise money to help families with children suffering from cancer.. north face outlet In addition, he was concerned about the fact that it not currently possible to watch videos on the channel pages clicking the featured video on a channel page takes you to the viewing screen. north face uk The combination of illustrations rather than photographs, and interviews with the (head) designer behind each brand gives us for the first time ever a hands on feeling for the personality that coins the cuts, shapes and colours we can appreciate on the runways and in presentations. north face coats Girls love trendy handbags and purses and for them its not less than a crush.

Anonymous said...

They discuss the item and haggle back and forth on price; then the dealer makes them an offer. north face sale Hence you might want to pay around $60 for the similar product it is simple to purchase within $20 if youre purchasing it on the internet.. And if you are interested in becoming an image consultant, ByFERIAL offers expert training to become a leading professional in the image consulting industry. ghd online Adding some zesty orange bangles, a headband, or heels to an already adorable outfit will brighten up your look and surely make you the center of attention.. north face backpacks It similar in some ways to an analytics feature that virtual styling site Polyvore launched recently..

Anonymous said...

Клубничка [url=]Pickup[/url] Русское порно про то как [url=]Juggs[/url]
не для детей

Anonymous said...

Your message to teenagers will be different than your message to housewives even if the product is exactly the same. Sometimes it turns out to be real confusing to determine whether your business is eligible for the certification or not., cellular phone codes. This is because it is the most widelyused and has the best reputation in bringing targeted traffic to websites. mac os x tiger 10 4

Anonymous said...

Getting them on paper helps! Revising a product thus can only be done after there has been an identifiable weakness within the product/program. clients download. Obtaining the certification is not very difficult provided you follow it correctly. You have to sort out the titles, meta tags, images, text, page structure, internal linking, proper tags and much more things related to your site., cisco vpn client 3 6 download. Conduct your own due diligence, or consult a licensed financial advisor or broker before making any and all investment decisions. x server for linux

Anonymous said...

Some of the best dentists are located far from you. Within a year of infection, you could find that the only thing that can be done, to avoid further damage to your overall health, is to have the infected tooth extracted: which is effectively an amputation of an essential part of your body. random access file in vb. We care for our clients and ensure that they get the desired services and even more than what they anticipated. And, lastly, it must be remembered., windows vista remote desktop problem. Not every show bestows the pleasure of watching sports and motivating moments. 200 lineage2 server top

Anonymous said...

The reseller will research one’s inventory for that particular software and quote the client a price. italy private tours

Anonymous said...

With these considerations in mind most rubberbands will be handled when a person is asleep. private placement fees. Safety and security especially the safety and security of valuables have been the cause of suspicion and sleeplessness for the whole of humanity from time immemorial. statcounter server

Barbie Chiu said...

Start your day positively and the rest will follow. Please do visit my site.Thank you and have a good day.

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.