UNOFFICIAL RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #226

NOTE: As you can see on Radosh.net Harry, the other Anti-Caption contest judge, has selected last week's official winners. The picks I offer here are strictly for entertainment purposes. In fact, I purposely pick Anti-Captions not included among Harry's winners. I also try to spotlight those that are worth noting because they are particularly obnoxious and/or crappy. In short, while you may or may not aspire to make this list, you should not pat yourself on the back for doing so.
Also, I didn't much like this cartoon. As soon as I saw it, I knew there would be anal probe jokes, thinly veiled digs at illegal aliens and, of course, something about "universal health care." It's one of those "what's-wrong-with-this-picture" cartoons that have come to dominate the New Yorker's caption contest. I get the impression that the cartoonists don't put nearly as much effort into the "real" contest as we put in to our Anti-Contest. They may have the readership, but we have the shitty attitude the creative integrity and impish humor that makes the Anti-Cap such a must read for dozens of people.

With that I offer my unofficial winners and my two-cents. Your comments--either good or nasty, indifferent or ill-informed--are welcome and encouraged.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Now that I've slipped this Trojan Magnum onto my head,we can move on to your lower G.I. Sorry, but I'm out of the ribbed."-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has a couple of things going for it: We have the anal probe angle, insider jargon ["lower G.I."] and the suggestion that the ribbed condom would be more, you know, fun. Most important, I'm a big USC fan so for me "Trojans" is not just a family planning option, it's a football team and, I believe, a college based here someplace in L.A.)
.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Yes, it's a standard physical. We'll anal probe, anal probe, anal probe, check your blood pressure, anal probe, and finally, anal probe. --Capt Clown (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one reminds us that an extraterrestrial who travels through the galaxy does so in the hope of examining a human's asshole. You'd think if they can travel that far they would invent a way to probe butts without actually doing it.)
.
"What makes you think you have a right to universal healthcare?-- Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe I'm reaching, but I see a political commentary here. To me, it suggests that all of us earthlings have a right to the best medical care available and only a scum-bag republican someone from another planet would believe otherwise. Or maybe Richard H just went with the most obvious thing that hit him. Either way.)
.
Srog's rather mundane life as a doctor left him wondering whether he had misunderstood the instructions he was given for taking over the world. Ironically, his patient, Steve, had similar questions about his own life. -- mypalmike (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here we have the seldom used "narrative caption." It does not include dialog but, rather, it makes a dryly ironic observation about the image. Comedian turned Fox News asshole, Dennis Miller, frequently did this with some success on SNL as the anchor of Weekend Update. The cap also taps into the self-doubt that plagues many of us earthlings But where the hell did he come up with the name "Srog," I wonder.)
.
"I know this isn't funny and a bit of a reach but when I am done with you, you'll have tits like Pamela Anderson. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the self-deprecating preamble, but I don't think this is a reach. Remember we have Ms. Anderson's "blogad" running in perpetuity right next to the contest. Also, sometimes when I think about what an alien might say to me, this is on the short list.)
.
"Here. Take this iPad with a glass of water and call me in the morning." -- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT; This ties into Apple's new computer-related device and Tim H. even provided a link [Nice touch!]. Highly topical. Also, here's a joke I came up with: The model with enhanced memory should be called the Maxi iPad. Funny. No?)
.
"'P.C. Vey?' All you're going to say after seeing my bill is 'Oy vey!'" -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This pokes fun at the cartoonist's name AND evokes a common Yiddish expression. It also mocks the exorbitant fees charged by people who save your life. Turns out "Oy vey" literally translated means "oh woe." I never knew that before--and admit it: Either did you!)
.
“To err is human, to stick long needles into human navels is humanoid."-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is based on a quote that is often attributed to Shakespeare. It was actually written by some guy named "Alexander Pope" who died in 1744. Who among us will have our words erroneously attributed to someone else 266 years after our death? Pope also said: "Amusement is the happiness of those who can not think."
.
"University of Mars at Long Beach.” -- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Everyone has heard of UCLA, but this is funny to people who live in California because there are like a hundred "UC's." Many are based in places you've never heard of [including UC Long Beach]. Interestingly, the state still spends more on its prison system than its many colleges.)
.
"Why, yes, of course I'm Jewish." -- johnnyo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There are a great many Jewish doctors is what this Anti-Cap is saying. It playfully pokes fun at a heritage that values education over, say, mixed martial arts. I only hope this wasn't written by JohnnyB using a new AKA.)
.
"I swore an oath to serve man.... Oh, this? It's a cookbook." -- Kanamit (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The word "serve" can mean "assist" or "provide as a meal." Hence, the seemingly innocuous title "To Serve Man" could be a call to service OR perhaps a cookbook. That's spooky. Someone should make a spin-tingling TV episode based on this concept. )
.
"Oh, thanks. It's a Jerry Garcia. Brooks Brothers. Did you have any trouble finding us?" -- Searcy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Before his untimely death, the great and powerful Garcia, actually marketed a line of premium neck wear. This Anti-Cap recalls that rich irony without making too big a deal about it. The patient, a jaded yuppie who has long ago given up any expectation of seeing a doctor who looks like him, would be more likely to comment on the tie than the fact that the doctor is, um, different. In case you are wondering, my favorite Dead song is "Friend Of The Devil.")
.
"Your EXOPHTHALMOS is incurable. But at least you can always find work in the cartoons of P.C. Vey, Leo Cullum and others." -- Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Roger did not need to go all upper case on the big word that describes an affliction that results in bulging eyes, but mocking these cartoonists for their predictable attributes is most welcome. )
.
"This is 'a lien' on your house. It's 2 words. It doesn't say alien, you idiot." --Manolo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any of you remember when Radosh used to let us vote for best Anti-Cap? That's the first time I won. The cartoon had two guys commenting on an apartment building that was laying on its side. My award-winning Anti-Cap was: "I heard the bank put a lien on this place." I still get misty when I think of it.)
.
"Welcome to our lab in LA. I just may not examine your penis if it is excessively long. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a dig at Harry's declaration that he will not even read Anti-Caps that go on too long. It's a vague standard that stands in sharp contrast to my rock solid, albeit controversial, 25-word maximum. This Cap also seems to reference Harry's manhood which, it's been said, can not be measured by any existing device, technique or yard stick.)
.
"Ass your doctor I'm going to insist you cut back to one entry, two at most." -- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first, I thought this was also a reference to the contest's five-entry maximum, but I now know it's just a lame juvenile pun. Still, I hate to cut and paste for no good reason.)
.
"I'm shaking because I'm excited, Mr. Effron! The tests suggest your body contains something extraordinary: the key to the secret of life for your race, and mine! I have no idea how this is possible, but all the answers are right here, in this document...
...actually, it's kind of lengthy. I may just not read it."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now this IS a reference to the ad-hoc standard used by Harry when he reads [or declines to read] a lengthy Anti-Caption. It's also a bit snotty. It suggests that even an elixir that prolongs life could be spilled to the ground by uncaring judges. Also the phrase: "the key to the secret of life for your race" is clunky and in-eloquent. AND tests don't "suggest" they "show," "prove" or "indicate." So there!)
..
"I'm Dr Allan L. Alien and I am here to ruin the anti-captions with science." --Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a creative, yet misguided, dig at the judging process. It's also Brian's second entry on this topic, so maybe he has issues. As any kindergarden teacher or prison guard will tell you, rules and guidelines don't "ruin" that which they govern. I do appreciate how he changed "al in la" to "Allan L. Alien." Very creative.)
.
"I dunno how things work on planet Earth but, where I'm from, that orifice is meant primarily for exits, not entries. I suggest you limit them to five per week."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, I'm pretty sure, is both a cautionary tale on anal intercourse AND a comment on the dangers of placing arbitrary limits on creativity. I also was very happy to see the word "dunno." It's very under-used, I think.)
.
"Here you go. And in case you were wondering, I went to medical school in Czechoslovakia. That's right...I'm DOCTOR Rados...and you can tell your friend I said that he can kiss my squatting ass in Prague Castle before I'll let him wheedle @radosh away from me...) -- nam trahm (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's clear the author of this entry is paying attention. Radosh decided to move to Twitter only to find that the ID he wants was already taken. This is what passes for conflict in his busy yet pampered life, I suppose.)
.
.