It started out simple enough. I was poking around on the computer and beginning to cut and paste notable entries into my blog. I realized that with one fell swoop I could cut and paste every entry. This would make the process a bit easier. Just keep the descent ones and jettison the rest, I figured. Then, amid a boring movie and a rain storm, I started writing comments. Some sarcastic, some endearing. It was like eating pistachio nuts. I just kept doing it even as I got sick of doing it. It took a few hours, but it felt somewhat cathartic to slog through them all. I have long maintained the majority of Anti-Caps are lame and/or boring. (Not yours. The others.) A handful are smart and edgy. They make it worthwhile.
Anyway, if for no other reason than to prove that I read them all, I submit: my two-cents on every one of the 121 Anti-Captions submitted last week. Your comments are welcome.
This is your 5am wake up call, Mr. Marx. Time to wake up.
Posted by: LK February 1, 2010 11:30 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Unless this is supposed to be Groucho's assistant...The hat and overalls tell us the guy at the desk is labor. The suit and pissed off look tell us the window washer is a displaced executive. LK is making a comment about Karl Marx and inherent conflict between workers and management Karl's fuck-the-rich fantasies have finally been achieved so the author is getting a wake up call. But why 5 am? That's just cruel.)
Posted by: Oogie February 1, 2010 11:42 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't really get this one ---and I should considering that my name is Al.)
"Hello, Spic & Span . . . I'm sorry, Mr. Span can't come to the phone right now."
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik February 1, 2010 11:44 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll assume this is NOT some thinly veiled racial slur and that the two men are business partners who started a cleaning products company. )
"The office is immaculate. You'd never guess that 30 people were jammed in here for a whole week." Posted by: George Graffenberg February 1, 2010 11:48 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to an earier cartoon. Nice to see you are paying attention George.)
When will my computer be ready?
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime February 1, 2010 11:52 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because it's not ready now. See? He has no computer on his desk. Maybe a pun about waiting for "Windows" to be updated. Just sayin')
"Security? I believe there is a corporate spy posing as a window washer outside my window."
Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:28 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sorry Johnny, but at best, this is "Family-Circus-funny." Maybe the "B" stands for "Bil"? )
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to squeegie my fucking windows."
Posted by: Arthur February 1, 2010 12:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The second part is supposed to rhyme with "die" but I get the sense of irony. Extra credit for the expletive.)
"Yes, that's correct. The motto here at Squeegee Man, Inc. is 'Rudy Giuliani Can Go Fuck Himself'." Posted by: Tim H February 1, 2010 12:31 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There was a time in NYC when you could not drive around without someone "volunteering" to clear your car's windshield. Using his trademark sledgehammer-to-kill-a-house-fly approach, Rudy ordered the cops to haul the squeegie people away in handcuffs and throw them in Rikers. As this caption suggests, many of these people went on to start successful businesses.)
"We just wrapped the film.I play a workman. You know - I go in - the woman's home alone - we fu ... What? The tapping? Oh - window washer." Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Johnny, Johnny Johnny, I truly believe that if we could only hear this caption the way you hear it in your nimble imagination, it might somehow be funny.)
"The hours here are clean." Posted by: Kathy H February 1, 2010 12:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This make no sense but in keeps alive one of our favorite perennials Anti-Caps: "The hours here are obscene" So thank you Kathy!)
"So, you want a 5'x7' painting of a businessman mowing a lawn. Sure, I can do that."
Posted by: Beth February 1, 2010 12:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought that it might be a portrait or large photo on the wall. Beth imagines that this is a company that specializes in that type of art. Not funny ha-ha, of course, but somewhat imaginative.)
"Three letters. Beverage alternative to coffee or milk. This is a tough crossword."
Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My guess is that Johnny lounges in his bathrobe every Monday morning sipping coffee while noodling yet another cartoon for which he has no meaningful caption. In that regard the Anti-Cap Contest is very much like a crossword puzzle for Johnny. That's the impression I get anyway.)
"I invest a couple thou in a giant flat screen and digital satellite and all I can get in is the window washing network." Posted by: JohnnyB February 1, 2010 12:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)
"Did you get my fax?"
"Help! Someone stole my computer!"
Posted by: Harry February 1, 2010 12:38 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because there is no computer on his desk I guess. Maybe he hit the "POST" button before he finished writing this.)
"I don't have a computer here. Can you google 'irony' for me?"
Posted by: Glenn W. February 1, 2010 12:57 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did. Turned up 17.2 million hits.)
"There's a trash can in here that's way too big and it hasn't been emptied in a week....Yes, a smaller trash can. Thanks. Oh, the new window washer? He has a major attitude problem. Thinks he's too good for the job." Posted by: Glenn W. February 1, 2010 1:02 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sometimes the most obvious thing is the funniest. Not this time, of course, but sometimes.)
"He had experience in money laundering, so I thought he'd be good at washing windows."
Posted by: Richard H February 1, 2010 1:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe this would have been a little
funny funnier if it said "laundering money" or "window washing." That way there would be consistency in both ends of the sentence.)
"I think I'm a bit underdressed for my first day at the office."
Posted by: Richard H February 1, 2010 1:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Indeed you are. I mean, this is a place where even the window washer guy is all decked out in a suit. You can't make this stuff up.)
"It's quite an elaborate setup. You see, I'm getting a blowjob beneath my desk and while that's going on, this Wall Street dude pays $2000 to pretend to wash my windows." Posted by: Richard H February 1, 2010 1:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You'll find this and many other "elaborate setups" if you go to "Miscellaneous Romance" on Craig's List in any major city. )
"Hello, ma'am. Is your fridge running? It is? Better go chase after it! Ha ha ha ha, god I love my job!" Posted by: Ben.H February 1, 2010 1:46 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess the old Prince-Albert-in-a-can bit no longer has legs.)
"Yeah, he came in here, said his name was Leno, and just took over my job!"
Posted by: Tim H February 1, 2010 1:52 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one will really sting Jay-Bird when he reads it. And, yes, you know he is going to read it.)
"Wat vershun? He on me weendow. No, me. No seven. He not even finish one yet. He should restart? Jajaja! I tell eem."Posted by: Damon February 1, 2010 2:25 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe in addition to the 25 word limit we should include a rule about Anti-Caps being at least semi-coherent.)
"The waiter's union is protesting outside my office again. Management got smart and decided not to allocate sign budget this time."Posted by: Damon February 1, 2010 2:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Damon booted this one, but he was commenting on the fact that the guy outside also looks like a waiter. Nice, um, try.)
"It's a new show on CBS. I think it's called 'Undercover Snobs.' Posted by: Grantq February 1, 2010 3:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which actually is not a bad concept, reality-TV show-wise.)
Operator: "Press one for English. Para Espanol marque---"(*puts phone down*). Man: "Hey fuckface! You think you could squeegie any louder?! I'm on a conference call for Chrissake!"
Posted by: Anonymous February 1, 2010 3:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The noise can be a bit distracting, that's all he's saying.)
"...And he's got a really mean look on his face. Perhaps he has the diarrhea."
Posted by: Grant February 1, 2010 3:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Using "the" before "diarrhea" gave this a bit of an edge. But still it is nothing to joke about.)
"This would never happen in real life but at least I get my beautiful mug in the New Yorker."
Posted by: Grant February 1, 2010 3:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I get the class conflict angle, but let's not forget that a unionized window washer in NYC probably makes more than, say, an editor at a trade journal--not that there's anything wrong with that.)
"Officer, you don't understand. Bill Gates is outside trying to debug MY Windows."
Posted by: Rich Lather February 1, 2010 4:47 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty good! I don't know that "debug" is the right word but I like the pun. )
"Hello, TempOffices 'r' Us? The desk is nice and the wastebasket is a good size, but where's the rest of the furniture? And what's the deal with the window washer?"
Posted by: Kathy H February 1, 2010 4:53 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good questions all)
I'm a PC, and the Windows 7 Make It Look Like A Dispirited Junior Executive Is Cleaning The Screen From Inside utility was my idea. Posted by: Walt February 1, 2010 5:18 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is inspired by a TV ad where a guy says he dreamed up the new version of Windows while in the bathroom. He then points to the shower. I say that is NOT where bathroom thinking gets done. And why all the uppercase letters?)
Hi, Luigi? It's-a-mee, Mario. I just found out the whole world is a computer simulation. Meet me in the castle. Oops, gotta run, window washer just turned into an Agent. Posted by: Walt February 1, 2010 5:44 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you're Walt and you post this, you wonder if people will get it. I do. It's very cleaver. But Mario had a much bigger mustache. Also: what kind of agent?)
“Get me those numbers now, jerkweed, or I’ll clean your wind...err..clock!”
Posted by: dwilk February 1, 2010 6:04 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Jerkweed?")
"What's dat? Clothes make dee man? Dat's a good one. Dat's fuckeeeng heelarious!"
Posted by: Rob February 1, 2010 6:38 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apparently the guy on the phone is so dumb that even when he says stuff it's spelled wrong.)
"Hello Sally? Carmen....the guy who use to wash windows at Bank Of America..."
Posted by: Rob February 1, 2010 6:50 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, and?)
Did you ever feel like someone was watching you?
Posted by: Austin D February 1, 2010 7:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Shouldn't it be "IS watching you?")
"May I ask why you're cancelling your subscription to Dressing the Part Magazine?
Posted by: TE February 1, 2010 8:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why indeed.)
"You made my desk very shinny, thank you."
Posted by: Brian L February 1, 2010 8:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It would appear that the desk does have a certain gleem to it. So?)
"Yes, Watson slipped some Rohypnol into my cocaine and buggered me something fierce so I had to punish the old boy...jolly good prank, though, eh what?" Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle February 1, 2010 9:07 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No shit Sherlock. Extra credit for the allias.)
"If you custodians keep mocking us on casual fridays I'll see to it you have a building full of poop-plugged toilets on monday. Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 1, 2010 9:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I fear that the expression "poop plugged?" will remain lodged in my brain. )
"Wait till you see what I did with Norbert and his fancy-pants aquarium." Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 1, 2010 9:29 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh I see. That's a big old fish tank behind him. I wonder why Jim used the name "Norbert," though.)
"Yes, this is he." Posted by: Rubrick February 1, 2010 10:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Proper grammer will only get you so far in this contest.)
I'll tell you what I'm looking at. Pamela Anderson's tits that what.
(please draw a straight line from man's eyes to left hand side of your screen)
Posted by: boneguy February 1, 2010 11:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did. You're right. Good use of out-of-cartoon imagery. But real trick is to do that AND be funny.)
I taking a break before I tackle the graffiti the Vice President put on the floor.
Posted by: boneguy February 1, 2010 11:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It seems every Caption-Cartoon by this artist draws a comment about his notorius, albeit misspelled, last name. [Get it? "Draws?"])
"No, I don't know what happened to the good judge for the alien doctor. Yeah, those captions sucked. Yes, I know, that's what anti-caption is all about. But still, throw a few funny ones in there." Posted by: Harold February 1, 2010 11:32 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So which of us is supposed to be the "good judge?" I'm totally confused by this caption. Still, I'm sure others feel your pain.)
"I think he's going to rescue me and we'll run out and he'll jam the squeegee in the door and we'll jump on the bus and grin." Posted by: Elaine February 1, 2010 11:35 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This Cap apparently is based on a a gay version of The Graduate. "Mr. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?" And I'll bet "Elaine" is not even the poster's real name. Good esoteric movie reference, though.)
I'm taking a break before I tackle the graffiti the Vice President put on the floor.
Posted by: boneguy February 1, 2010 11:57 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll say it again: This lacks originality.)
"He still works here, but that's what he's doing now—work." Posted by: dwilk February 2, 2010 6:31 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Looks like someone got their comeuppance. Still I maintain that sitting at a desk all day trying to look busy IS work.)
"Taste, inc. Accounting? No they let everyone go. There's no Accounting for Taste. One of them is working for $8.50 an hour outside right now. Posted by: Dutty February 2, 2010 9:40 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a bit of a reach but there is humor here someplace.)
"Ethics, shmethics. Just cut the fucking rope like I told you to." Posted by: mypalmike February 2, 2010 11:13 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Ethics, shmethics" uses a rhyming device that is derived from Yiddish. It's hard to pull it off in a forum like this. Murder, by the way, is more than unethical, it's rude.)
"Well, given those choices, I'm With Coco" Posted by: Kathy H February 2, 2010 12:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is obviously a reference to
the pioneering French fashion designer Coco Chanel some guy with a TV show who quit or got fired or something. He is not to be confused with the legendary Coco the Clown, who was inducted into the International Clown Hall of Fame in 1991.)
(a different treatment of the above:)
Okey-dokey, Luigi. You can take-a the blue pill and wake up back in Bowser's Castle like-a nothing happened, or you can take-a the red pill and find out how deep the green pipe really goes. Decide quick, an Agent's after me. Posted by: Walt February 2, 2010 12:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't know that "treatment" is the right word but this is certainly another caption, much like the other one Walt submitted--only this one has a drug reference)
"Great news! A high-powered asshole of a lawyer is being given some sort of magical comeuppance, and I got his job!" Posted by: Francis February 2, 2010 12:48 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So now YOU'RE a high-powerd asshole lawyer? And isn't "asshole lawyer" redundant?
"Isn't that just like a wop consultant? Brings a T-square to a gun fight."
Posted by: Penelope G. February 2, 2010 12:54 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds better with a Scottish accent. )
"I'm sorry, he's out right now...outSIDE, that is! Of the window! Washing it! Which is my job, not his! No, I don't know how it happened, it does seem sort of complicated. Can I take a message? Oh, you don't actually work in banking either, you're a sanitation worker? What a strange day this is. And yes, I'll stop repeating everything you say." Posted by: Francis February 2, 2010 12:55 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For those who object to the 25-word maximum, I submit this as Exhibit A.)
"You're great at phone sex, baby! What? Yes, I did. I think it landed on the window behind me. Thank god no one was watching." Posted by: Damon February 2, 2010 2:48 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You do realize that spelling the Lord's name with a lower case "g" is going to get you in trouble, don't you Walt?)
"We faked his death when we realized after crazy-gluing his head back together that all JFK was good for was washing windows. Well fuck you, too, I know it would have been funnier in '65. Maybe it should have been a Blagojevich joke. Eat me." Posted by: J.A.O February 2, 2010 3:53 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tell ya what: This would have been even less funny in '65--if that's at all possible."
The contract talks are stalled, so I've taken a hostage. Oh, and send up that large-knockered bimbo from HR. Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 2, 2010 4:52 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ironically, it's the woman from HR who would get you fired for that kind of talk.)
"You're at the edge of the roof? Okay, cut the cables! This bastard's going down."
Posted by: NJoTX February 2, 2010 6:00 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes sense AND is somewhat funny. )
One homosexual encounter in the elevator doesn't make me queer, but now he's stalking my blue collar ass. Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 2, 2010 6:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes it does Jim. Yes it most certainly does.)
"Jayna - it's Bob at Justice League. Listen, Zan got demoted today...I think you're gonna need to be the pail of water for awhile." Posted by: Damon February 2, 2010 6:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In this superhero world, Zan can transform into water in any state [solid, liquid, gas, Ohio...] and Jayna can transform into any being, even mythical creatures. There is no evidence, however, that Jayna can trasform into inanimate objects like a pail, which renders this Anti-Cap totally bogus. )
"The new guy? He takes forever, leaves streaks, and holds the rag like a fucking waiter."
Posted by: Rob February 2, 2010 6:55 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not awful but let's not put the words "rag" and "fucking" in the same sentence, okay?)
"The window washer you sent over is doing great, but I still need someone to clean the name cheney out of my rug." Posted by: 0bs01337 February 2, 2010 7:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If only we could clean that name--however it's spelled-- out of our history books.)
"They work cheap and they only do the jobs Mexicans aren't willing to do. And if they get sick, you just send them back across the border and it's not your problem." Posted by: Joshua February 2, 2010 7:42 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "They" must be Canadians. And what exactly are the jobs that Mexicans WON'T do?)
"CEOs in glass spaces shouldn't get stoned." Posted by: dwilk February 2, 2010 8:36 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And they should get dressed in the basement. )
Hello, doctor. Harry and I have been switching roles for so long we're totally fucked-up. Can you work me in today? Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh February 2, 2010 10:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can assure you this has not compromised my mental health. But thanks for thinking of me, Jim.)
"Beats me. This was created by an "office" themed New Yorker drag-and-drop cartoon kit.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik February 3, 2010 6:16 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I found that drag and drop cartoon thing to be a royal pain. I felt like a waiter who also had to slaughter the livestock, grow the veggies and cook the meal.)
"My camera phone got three great shots of Fernsten humping Smither's wife on top of my new desk." Posted by: Rob February 3, 2010 6:37 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes no sense. Also, do people really call it humping anymore? )
As I sift through the weekly crop of Anti-Captions, I occasionally feel like a substitute teacher in front of a class of unruly 8th graders. How else to explain the blatant and persistent disregard for the few rules we have to govern our humble little contest? CLASS PLEASE! Keep the captions brief and enter no more than five Anti-Captions each week. Posted by: cheap r4i software February 3, 2010 8:05 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is lifted--veratim--from a note I wrote on this blog some weeks ago. Is it a tribute, or am I being mocked? Are there copywrite implications here? Either way at least someone is reading this stuff.)
"Yes, you've reached AI-fucking-G. He's in a suit because he makes $6 million dollars a year."
Posted by: Charlotte February 3, 2010 12:42 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, how do you explain YOUR attire?)
"Honey, I just can't talk now. I have six 5-inch high stacks of paper on my desk, 250 emails in my inbox, and the entire Accounting team is in my office....OK, I love you, too."Posted by: Sarah February 3, 2010 2:15 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess a member of that team is out there cleaning the windows. )
[Suit thinking] "I never imagined white slavery would be like this..."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle February 3, 2010 2:17 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I hate to get all serious on you, but actually this is exactly what slavery looks like: Someone does a danerous, tedious and dirty job while someone else sits around. To paraphase Curt Flood, "A well dressed slave is still a slave.")
"He's upset because he's having to show me how to do my job properly. I know; I'll be better next time. Thanks, mom." Posted by: Damon February 3, 2010 6:12 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If that's so, why aren't you watching him? )
"Mr. MBA is learning the hard way about how we have too many college grads and not nearly enough skilled tradesman. Supply and demand, bitch!" Posted by: David February 3, 2010 9:30 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I guess this Anti-Cap and it's fractured syntax are testimony to David's disrespect for those with advanced degrees. Noted. It's also not funny because it's true.)
"Putting-acid-in-your-boss's-coffee-day is my favorite day ever! He's so scared. The best part is this is a ground floor office!" Posted by: Grant February 3, 2010 10:27 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...this acid you speak of? It makes you want to wash windows? The guy outside does not look scared, just annoyed. And this is a "day" they have on a regular basis? Wouldn't someone catch on?)
"Eez Rados de vinda vasha. I got Radosh vashing vindows ha ha. Vat else ve make him do for @radosh.net?" Posted by: nam trahm February 3, 2010 10:37 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great little insider comment and "vashing vindows" sounds pretty authentic.)
Now I'm supposed to say "Fusqueegi, you crazy bastard...How the hell are you?" but I have no idea what the fuck any of this means. Posted by: m hartman February 3, 2010 11:04 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet you submited it anyway.)
"Idiot was so sure Favre was going to be in the Super Bowl. Who dat? Favre. Brett Favre."
Posted by: Drew February 4, 2010 12:04 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If Frave had made it to the Bowl you could play a drinking game and take shoot whenever they mention that he is 40 years old.)
"Fuck the middle class."
Posted by: dwilk February 4, 2010 7:18 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's left of it.)
"Yezzzz Ma'am, I can assure you upper mangement is very aware of the brake and accelerator problems on your Toyota." Posted by: dwilk February 4, 2010 9:37 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well they are aware of the problem! And they are sorry. Also, I drive a Toyota Avalon and am very happy with it. So there.)
"I sold my soul to the Devil for this job. Guess that guy dealt with Jesus Christ, ha ha ha!"
Posted by: Mickey February 4, 2010 11:06 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Christ would have made him a fisherman and than cut a deal where everyone has to eat fish on Fridays.)
Facsimile machine, you crazy bastard. How the hell are you running this place with a facsimile machine? Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 1:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No one under 40 knows what a facsimile machine is. And no, it's not the same as a FAX.)
"I can't talk now, I'm too busy rejudging caption contests!" Posted by: Harry February 4, 2010 1:41 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Harry has assured me he has no problem with my shadow results. So it's all good. I really don't think of it as "re-judging" since I only do it once.)
This is your sixth proposal, and as it is too long I can't be bothered. I'm busy breaking in the new guy. Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh I see, another snotty comment about the five-cap, 25-word limit. As I mentioned before, I have been a hockey referee and a newspaper reporter. This type of abuse does not bother me.)
No Mr. Bond, I expect him to try. The bastard is standing there like a statue.
Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:14 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not bad. Bond could easily kill the guy outside if he'd only get off his ass. But CRC, we also expect YOU to try--try and be a little funny.)
I just fluffed in his chair. Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:15 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I actually saw a license plate in L.A. that said "I [heart] 2 fluff." I guess the DMW is not as worldly as CRC. And yes, it was a woman driving and it was an expensive car.)
This is Raoul in accounting. I don't give a rat's ass whose son-in-law he his, my fucking windows are still streaked. Posted by: CRC February 4, 2010 2:34 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Terrible, but I do like the name "Raoul.")
"Yes, this is Harry. I'll be your judge this week. But why do I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder?" Posted by: Richard H February 4, 2010 5:20 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yo! Richard! This is the internet! If they're not looking over your shoulder they're peeking down your blouse. [If you're a girl, I mean])
"Brad no longer doesn't work here anymore." Posted by: Rob February 4, 2010 6:45 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I sort of get it. That's Brad out there not-not working, right?)
INTERACTIVE ANTI-CAP. (PICK ANY ONE, OR ADD YOUR OWN)
"Is that so? The last guy we hired also was_________. How soon can you start?"
1) an english major 2) a newspaper reporter3) a real estate agent4) a key player in the Bush administration Posted by: NAMBY February 4, 2010 7:01 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's funny but I know NAMBY and this is a person who needs no encouragement. Let's stay with the standard format, okay?)
"Luigi, Winchler and Winchler. Can I help you?"
Posted by: Dex February 4, 2010 11:12 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to a previous contest, but it is not funny.)
"Yes this is Fetishes Unlimited... No, I'm sorry, our windows are fully booked this week, but for $500 I could let you wash a really mud-splattered Toyota with a very sticky gas pedal."
Posted by: Richard H February 5, 2010 10:24 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this is truely a fetish thing, wouldn't he be cleaning the glass with his tongue or something?)
"So, Mr CEO bets me a job swap that the Colts will romp over the Saints...bing, bang boom, I'm ordering deli and jerking off to his wife's picture!" Posted by: Westy February 5, 2010 10:53 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excellent Anti-Cap Westy. I am writing this before the game, but I hope you are right [about the game, not about some guy beating off to the picture of another guy's wife].)
"Reflective glass must suck. Not only do you have to wash windows all day; you have to watch yourself washing windows all day. I'm horny." Posted by: Susie Q February 5, 2010 11:01 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But reflective Anti-Caps are welcome. Maybe next time.)
"Hello, Mr. Baxter's office! Sorry, he can't come to the phone right now. May I take a message and have him call you when he gets back?...Will do, thanks!" Posted by: Beth February 5, 2010 11:11 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Zzzzzzz.)
Little known fact. In the early days of the first Bush administration, Al Gore was given a token position. Posted by: Austin D February 5, 2010 12:52 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually I believe the Supreme Court used the missionary position when they fucked Gore--and the American people.)
"Because his girlfriend pressed her naked tits against the glass, that's why." Posted by: Steve G February 5, 2010 5:49 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From outside? )
The rest of them were dead when I opened the trailer door. Posted by: Rocko February 5, 2010 6:33 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm guessing this a reference to migrant workers or illegal alliens or something.)
"Because I just do the opposite of what Cramer says" Posted by: R.C. February 5, 2010 8:08 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a reference to that "Mad Money" asshole on CNBC who gets everything wrong. It's funny, but in a 2009 kind of way.)
What else can I have him do, Ms. Palin? He's a fucking retard. Posted by: Rocko February 5, 2010 10:17 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hire someone to ghost write a book for him and have him tour "real America" or put him on the Republican ticket. That's what.)
"You know that movie 'Trading Places'? I'm living it! But now when Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off, her tits hit the floor."
"Can you switch out this pretentious photo-realistic bullshit painting behind me for the 'Dogs Playing Poker'?" Posted by: LV February 6, 2010 7:34 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: These two from LV have some merit. But the still beautiful Jamie Lee Curtis is 51, not 92. I did appreciate the "Trading Places" reference. Eddie Murphy's only non-crappy movie.)
"OK Mr. Mankoff, I'll sit for this one. But there better be some bare tits in next week's cartoon." Posted by: m hartman February 6, 2010 1:07 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, we were all thrilled to see bare breasts in a New Yorked cartoon, perhaps some people more than others.)
"Hello, is this Aim to Please? I need a sniper to be across the street at 2PM sharp. Yes, that's right, a sharp shooter. Then at 3PM, I need a hooker. Okay, if the sniper doubles as a hooker, she can come early, but only if I let her." Posted by: Doppelganger February 6, 2010 2:22 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I just want to point out that this exceeds the 25-word limit AND yes it is quite crappy.)
"Diane... please take a quick memo... Ahem.."No soup for you!"
"Mom...It's Luigi! I kicked Mario's ass playing today! He's gotta do my chores!"
"Hey...a bet's a bet!"
"I like the office but the hyper-real 'window-washer art' needs to go. How about one of those 'poker playing dog posters?"
"In Russia shit happens... Okay, not funny... but shit really DO happen!"
Posted by: Johnny V February 6, 2010 6:11 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't much like multiple caps in one entry. Of these "a bet's a bet." is the least lame.)
Caption: Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?
Anti-Caption: "Ms. Wagner, I seem to have a nasty stomach bug....I just soiled my chair and the floor through my overalls. Can you ask the CFO to come in here with a mop, please?"
Posted by: m ham rant February 6, 2010 6:15 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wow! This may be the first of it's kind: A legit caption AND it's companion Anti-Cap. I like them both! Nice work! I gonna pick this as the winner.)
(Sorry LV... didn't know you posted the 'dogs playing poker' joke first... Gee... I was working today and typed my captions as soon as I got home!)
Posted by: Johnny V February 6, 2010 6:16 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry. Neither one will win. And by the way, you have nothing better to do when you get home?)
(No prob, Johnny V. Great minds.......) Posted by: LV February 6, 2010 6:54 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: ...come up with better stuff than this.)
"Toyotas "R" Us..."
Posted by: Anonymous February 6, 2010 7:31 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I was ready to buy another car, I'd get a Toyota. Having said that I admit this is pretty funny.)
Yes, I have your application. You appear to be underqualified for the janitorial job, however, there is an opening in management that might suit you. Posted by: Rocko February 6, 2010 8:29 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Window washing is a distinct skill set from janitorial work. Someone in management would know that.)
The E.D. meds worked doctor, but I've got a raging priapism, and I can't hide behind this desk all day. Posted by: Rocko February 7, 2010 1:47 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Google says "priapism" is a condition in which the penis is continually erect; usually painful and seldom with sexual arousal." Fine. But how does that explain the guy in the suit outside?)
"...Switcheroo Temps, this is Stewart." Posted by: Michael S. February 7, 2010 2:39 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe "Switcheroo" only works when preceeded by "the old.")
"Your back or my back?"
"I'm going to see if he has a mini-bar."
"I was right: being blue-collar does kick ass."Posted by: Michael S. February 7, 2010 2:42 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I didn't get the first one so I read it again. And then realized there is nothing here. So I move on. Remember it's quality, not quanity.)
"Sell all our holdings and put everything into Executive Squeegee Workers."
Posted by: Dave February 7, 2010 4:03 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He'd be a fool to do so. This business model is doomed. Clearly Dave is reaching.)
"No, not THAT Jesus. This one can't fly, but he's very clean."
"...but now it looks I'm getting hemroids too."
"The only difference is that in my dream he had bigger tits."
Posted by: Slack-a-gogo February 7, 2010 4:49 PM (JUDGE'S COMENT: The first two are awful the third is intriguing if you fancy men with large breasts.)
"Affirmative Action does work!" Posted by: Michael S. February 7, 2010 11:03 PM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's like The Simpsons' monorail song: "What about us brain dead slobs?"..."You'll be given cushy jobs.")
"I told him the Saints would win by 2 touchdowns, and he bet me his job they wouldn't. What the hell do I do now?" Posted by: Hoodat February 8, 2010 12:03 AM (JUDGE'S COMENT: You sit there and look busy and if all goes well you evenually retire to Florida. And no, I do not think you predicted today's Super Bowl outcome. Nobody did!)
I'm telling you Danny, I'll be more like Harry, I promise. Don't send me back out there...I'm afraid of heights. I swear I won't pontificate anymore...It's just that I'm in between jobs and I NEED TO EDIT...THE ANTI-CAP NEEDS ME!!! Please Dan, don't shut me out. Ask Cavanaugh...I STILL GOT IT!!! They are NOT under my skin. I'M PUBLISHED GODDAMN IT!!! What do you mean it was just obscure bullshit?!?! YOU THINK THESE ASSHOLES ARE LITERATE...FUNNY?!?! Every fuckin week: "No Mr. Bond." "How the hell are you Fussili?" NO WONDER YOU HAVE TO TWITTER NOW YOU FRIGGIN LOSER!!!! I wouldn't line my birdcage with the rags you've written for. Oh, what am I saying? I"m sorry, Danny. Really... I love Brooklyn, SERIOUSLY....AHHHH...I FUCKING HATE FUCKING L.A.!!! Posted by: Nam tram February 8, 2010 12:59 AM (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Okay, Okay...There's a lot to unpack here. But since this is the last Anti-Caption I'll be commenting on, and I'm still buzzed from the Super Bowl party I went to, allow me to pontificate: First, this Anti-Caption entry violates the 25-word maximum. But I'll overlook that because it made me say "Holy shit!" I had to read it a few times, but I now see that this is supposed to be me ranting on the phone to the founder of the Anti-Cap contest, Daniel Radosh. Whoever wrote this has cast me as a neurotic, self-loathing has-been who resents the forum that affords him his only sliver of credibility. Okay, I get that. But please know: I love living in L.A. and I miss Brooklyn like I miss a pimple. I respect Radosh and anyone who has carved out a living as a writer. The ability to express yourself with clarity, grace and wit is a good thing. To make a buck off of it means you don't have to load trucks in the rain, scrub toilets or work as a copy editor. I must say, I do take umbrage at the disrespect expressed for this contest and its participants. I agree the Anti-Cap Contest each week includes many submissions that are vapid, redundant or just stupid. But so what? (Note to Anti-Cappers: I don't mean YOU. It's the others I'm talking about.) I was pleased that Daniel Radosh asked me to be a judge. I enjoy the contest and, yes, it gives me an excuse to practice my craft--such as it is. (And for the record: I have been a staunch advocate of "No Mr. Bond," "Fussilli" and the other standards.) Overall, I do appreciate this entry. (Whenever the press asked George W. about something he fucked up or couldn't comprehend, he'd begin by saying "I appreciate the question..." It's kind of like that.) It was submited by someone who has closely scrutinized my past postings. (I'm flattered!) This person
is an anal retentive jerk has a sharp eye for detail. He, she or it (I don't rule out droid-involvement) knows that I got laid off decided to take a little time off after a 25-year career as a print journalist. While I have worked for a number of places that are widely recognized, I agree, a lot of what I've written about is "obscure." But "bullshit" is in the eye of the beholder. Workng for magazines you probably never heard of, I've traveled the globe, interviewed countless celebrities and got to do cool stuff most people never get to do. (I once got a phone call that began: "Hi Al. This is Raquel Welch." And I swear to Christ, it was really her!) Recently, though, I've been collecting unemployment and drinking cheap beer freelancing and weighing my options. Finally, I want to say, I read and commented on 121 Anti-Captions for this lengthy post. For this finally entry, I have one final comment: How does any of this explain the guy in the suit outside?)