Monday, June 30, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contes #434




















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Wake up you idiot, your dissertation on me is due in six hours."--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been better if it said “book report” and Dorothy somehow resembled a 16 year old boy dressed like Dorothy, or maybe the lion looked like a 16-year old boy and Dorothy looked like Farah Fawcett. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Excellent, albeit confusing, cap, is all I'm trying to say.)
SECOND PLACE
You're dog was delicious. Now go fuck yourselves! Arghhh--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cruel but not entirely tasteless. Humor tip: Serve your guests chicken a la king and after they take a few bites say “Now tell me: Doesn't that taste just like chicken?” [My wife never gets tired of that one.])
THIRD PLACE
"Unless you intend on burning down Atlanta, you can kiss that Best Picture Oscar good-bye."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, GWTW edged Oz but Abba won a Grammy for best new act the same year Elvis Costello was nominated. Just sayin.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Well, well, what's signed, is signed; and what's to be, will be; and then again, perhaps it wont be, after all. Any how, it's all fixed and arranged a'ready; and some sailors or other must go with him, I suppose; as well these as any other men, God pity 'em! Morning to ye, shipmates, morning; the ineffable heavens bless ye; I'm sorry I stopped ye."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is probably from some place but I'm almost sure it's not from a Dylan song.)
"She’ll be standin’ on the bar soon
With a fish head an’ a harpoon
An’ a fake beard plastered on her brow
You’d better do somethin’ quick

She’s your lover now"
--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This IS from a Dylan song. Which, of course, I knew right away. )


"It is an evil voyage, I tell thee! Beware! There is a man along the way in large spectacles who will act under the pretense of saying farewell to the yellow brick road! Do not become his next candle in the wind!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever Elton John reference. True story: I once attended a “listening party” in an NYC recording studio for a new E.J. Album. As he sat down to play, there was a look of annoyance. With that snooty British accent of his, Sir Elton John said these words to me: “Please don't put your beer bottle on my piano.” [And no, he wasn't speaking in some kind of kinky code.] So I, an absolute nobody, was actually scolded by one of rock's greatest legends. I'll carry that with me forever.)
"When you see him, tell him not to post those RIP comics that are designed to push down the unjudged!"-NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only one who can push you down is you, Tex. Oprah has spoken about this often.)
"Because because because because because!"--Why Won't Al Judge? (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because of the wonderful things I do, I suppose.)
"Hast thou seen the White Male? You know, alinla?"

--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If coming up for air means I'll be attacked by semen, I say “No thanks!” Reminds me of another story: During an interview, a retailer in Canada once told me he recently started using an “old sailor” to get better prices. When he saw I was perplexed he tried to explain. “You know an 'old sailor...an OLD sailor'…or I guess what you would call a distributor. [Although he pronounced it “dis-try-bute-tor.”] The light came on and I said “Oh! You mean a 'WHOLEsaler.' To which he responded “Yeah...that's what I said 'an old-sailor.” True story.)      

48 comments:

boneguy said...

Psst! Anyone looking for "Wailers" tickets?

NJ-to-TX said...

"Argh, didn't you say you were off to see the white whale?"

JohnnyB said...

White cliffs of Dover?

Tim H said...

"What do mean you're on your 'last leg'?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hey! ... Did you call A hab, or A cab?"

boneguy said...

What do you mean we'll meet you at Starbucks?

Dr Sumguy said...

"If your on your way to 'Oprah's Car Giveaway', count me in!"

Anonymous said...

You're dog was delicious. Now go fuck yourselves! Arghhh

Anonymous said...

"Call me Ozmael"

Anonymous said...

Hey little missy, do you want to ride a moby dick.

smuck said...

"Arr."

NAMBY said...

"No heart, no balls, no brains! You sure know how to pick 'em!…Home by 12, okay sweetie?"

boneguy said...

Tell the Wizard if he's still trafficking in body parts, to save me a leg.

Kathy H said...

"Just remember what I told you: 'Nobody beats The Wiz!'"

Tim H said...

"Unless you intend on burning down Atlanta, you can kiss that Best Picture Oscar good-bye."

Anonymous said...

"And STAY OUT!!! you eight legged piece of shit."

Dex said...

"Well, Obauma promised change."

Anonymous said...

“Hast thou seen the White Whale?”

Anonymous said...

"Well, well, what's signed, is signed; and what's to be, will be; and then again, perhaps it wont be, after all. Any how, it's all fixed and arranged a'ready; and some sailors or other must go with him, I suppose; as well these as any other men, God pity 'em! Morning to ye, shipmates, morning; the ineffable heavens bless ye; I'm sorry I stopped ye."

NJ-to-TX said...

"When you see him, tell him not to post those RIP comics that are designed to push down the unjudged!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Hey, harpoontang! Ditch those three losers and hook up with a real man!"

Anonymous said...

"No heart, no courage, no brains and no tits. Is that about it?"

Shelly said...

"Go ahead and get married if you want, but LGBT is not supposed to include Lesbian-Gay-Bestial-Tin."

"The Oz VA is no different. They made me wait 150 years for this leg prosthesis and it's full of termites."

Anonymouse said...

sotto voce...
"Man, today's Army has really lowered its standards."

reid savid said...

"Vulcum to Auschwitz."

Kathy H said...

"Hey, come back here, Tin Man, and sing Peg o' My Heart!"

Satireguy said...

"If I only had a right leg."

gfwrite said...

Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Dorthy. I get it, S-T-D, but what the L?

gfwrite said...

I know you think a lot of the guy but Congress is intimating he's just a self-promoter, making some over-the-top claims.

Anonymous said...

Tell The Wizard of LA to get his shit together.

Anonymouse said...

"You know, of course, that in Kansas they wouldn't care for any of you."

pg13 said...

"Lions and tigers and seamen! Oh my!"

Vincent Coca said...

Is there a Munchkin hanging from that tree?

Satireguy said...

"Hey, who's the cute chick with the red shoes?"

Dex said...

"... and I got the clap from the Lollipop Guild."

NJ-to-TX said...

"She’ll be standin’ on the bar soon
With a fish head an’ a harpoon
An’ a fake beard plastered on her brow
You’d better do somethin’ quick
She’s your lover now"

NJ-to-TX said...

"So your stupid mogrel wanted a monogram and now we have a 'Contes.' That's why I killed the damn thing!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hey! ... If this is the 'Race for the Cure' ... I see a lot of 'False Positives'!"

reid savid said...

"Wake up you idiot, your dissertation on me is due in six hours."

NJ-to-TX said...

"What do you mean, that's not your tail?"

Anonymous said...

“That little tick farm bit my leg off...doggone it!”

Why Won't Al Judge? said...

"Because because because because because!"

Anonymous said...

"Well I'll be stumped".

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Hast thou seen the White Male? You know, alinla?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Steve_O said...

"You're trying to get to Kansas? And I'm the crazy one?"

Boof said...

"Your 'wonderful wiz' is a complete tool. He couldn't even point me in the direction of big ass white whale!"

Anonymous said...

“Death will reveal all your misery; The Sea is the Alfa and the Omega!”

NJ-to-TX said...

"It is an evil voyage, I tell thee! Beware! There is a man along the way in large spectacles who will act under the pretense of saying farewell to the yellow brick road! Do not become his next candle in the wind!"

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.