Monday, May 26, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #429



WINNERS

FIRST PLACE (Tie)
"Tell that genie I explicitly wished for a twelve inch penis."--Anonymous
"I want to thank the concierge for getting me the 12-inch pianist I asked for. I'm giving this hotel a '5' on TripAdvisor."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is a well established bit of linguistic irony that the male organ sounds like “pianist.” No surprise that Anti-Cappers jumped all over it. The first cap recalls an old joke where a guy with a ridiculously small-sized noggin explains that he asked a genie for “a little head.” LR's cap came after that so it might be a rip-off, but there is a topical twist that gives it that extra thrust—if you get my drift.)
SECOND PLACE
You have to come and see this, it's BIZARRE. It works like a phone, but it's huge, it's wired into the wall and it has NO apps, not even a camera.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Always the rebel, the legendary JohnnyB finds mirth in the antiquated oversized phone, thus choosing to ignore the little piano player guy. Is it funny? Who cares? If Joe DiMaggio shows up to throw out the first pitch, you don't ask if he reached home plate, you're just glad to see him. [When DiMaggio was alive, I mean.] Welcome back Johnny. Keep a fire burning in you eye. Pay attention to the open sky.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
He only plays when someone puts me on hold.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Anti-Cap's prima ballerina, boneguy, comes through with something short and funny and remarkably, it's NOT a penis/ pianist thing. Way to keep it classy, bone.)
"Genie ... About the 12 inch penis ... It's not that ... Now he want's a 'StayFree Minipad'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not sure if I'm following here. Let's just assume “minipad” is a reference to a tiny apartment suitable for a small pianist. Noted.)
"You brought a couple of midgets? He won't mind."--james (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The little guy tickling the ivories is not big enough to be a midget, so this raises more questions than it answers. Even so, it's worthy of recognition based on it's respect for an Anti-Cap classic. Recognition granted.)
"So al and Johnny B. reappeared on the same day. It's like the day we landed on the moon, the night W. left office and when I lost my virginity all rolled into one. I'll never get over it."
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A clumsy reference to a previous comment. It replaces tragic occurrences with welcome events. The effort is appreciated Jim, but you should have mentioned the Rangers winning the Stanley Cup in '94, which they are on the brink of doing again. This gives me great joy, by the way.)
I asked for a twelve inch....oh what the fuck difference does it make? #alinabsentia--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon. That's my advice, anyway.)
"Hello, Al. I'm just calling to let you know you're still a week behind."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is a pun to be made with “week behind” and “weak behind” but I can't think of it. Full disclosure: I did not realize we where lagging until I saw this. So thanks. )
"It's al ive, it's al ive, it's al ive...it's al iiiive!!!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't get too excited. I may see my shadow and scamper back into my hole. But I choose to interpret this as encouragement, so there's that.)

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Tell that genie I explicitly wished for a twelve inch penis."

james said...

"You brought a couple of midgets? He won't mind."

boneguy said...

He only plays when someone puts me on hold.

boneguy said...

There's no such thing as too small a tip.

LR said...

"I want to thank the concierge for getting me the 12-inch pianist I asked for. I'm giving this hotel a '5' on TripAdvisor."

Anonymous said...

"It's al ive, it's al ive, it's al ive...it's al iiiive!!!"

JohnnyB said...

You have to come and see this, it's BIZARRE. It works like a phone, but it's huge, it's wired into the wall and it has NO apps, not even a camera.

pg13 said...

"...and the toilet's clogged. I tried to flush down the bass player."

Anonymous said...

"So al and Johnny B. reappeared on the same day. It's like the day we landed on the moon, the night W. left office and when I lost my virginity all rolled into one. I'll never get over it."

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Of course I think you're considerate. Who else would get me a mini Billy Joel hologram?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Genie ... About the 12 inch penis ... It's not that ... Now he want's a 'StayFree Minipad'!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"...yeah... uh huh...... no, the bottom shelf... I'm don't....... I'm not sure...... ok..... huh........... that's fine...... who?...... you wanna hear.... never mind..... no, I'll talk to you later..... bye..... bye..... ok.... bye..."

Anonymous said...

"Hello, Al. I'm just calling to let you know you're still a week behind."

Tim H said...

"I saw something, so I'm saying something. Capische?"

Tim H said...

"I saw something, so I'm saying something. Capische?"

boneguy said...

He just saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of "Sweet Caroline".

Anonymous said...

"Yes he is adequate but I was defiantly thinking of something larger."

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, hon, I'm okay despite smoke getting in my eyes, and raindrops falling on my fucking head."

Utellme said...

"Room service, can you break a $100? I haven't any small bills."

boneguy said...

I asked for a twelve inch....oh what the fuck difference does it make? #alinabsentia

Anonymous said...

"When I ordered the 'Shrimp Medley', this isn't what I had in mind."

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.