Monday, November 18, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #405


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Yeah, it's kosher. But when you drag it into the oven, be careful."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of two extremely insensitive entries that put the “Anti” in “Anti-Caption.” The other, from Rex, said: "Some of our Jewish customers found the oven off-putting." That of course is a regurgitation of a cap used for a cartoon that had a couple greeting friends visiting a house with gigantic furniture. This is more subtle and it's not a left-over.)
SECOND PLACE
It's from a turkey farm located in the Fukushima prefecture.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Extra credit for the obscure reference. If it wasn't for the cap below, I would not have known that the location mentioned is what they used to called Chernobyl. Sometimes I wonder: if boneguy is so smart why doesn't he spell his name with an uppercase letter?)

THIRD PLACE
"Chernobyl? Oh right. I get it, lady..HaHa...except now it's Fukushima."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, of course, sucks but it gets the Bronze Metal for the reasons stated above. I hope you haven’t forgotten that a lot of these decisions are very political.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Hi, my name's Al. Here we sell gigantic turkeys to suckers like you.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And so begins a crap-load of caps that take jabs at me. I post them as part of my rehabilitation process. Think of them as an online interventi0n aimed at confronting me with my decision to prioritize commerce and insightful political commentary over mirth, ridicule and satire. The problem with this cap is I don't sell anything here, so I guess the jokes on me.)
It's not for sale. We're saving it to celebrate when al's lithium levels stabilize.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What about my blood alcohol levels?)
"Our hot dogs, like Al's contest judgments, are available in packs of ten."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They say people who like sausages or the law should never see how either is made—same goes for the Anti-Cap.)
"I you don't judge them when they're normal sized, they just get bigger and uglier and people lose interest in them. How about some red herring today?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so on the money that it was almost picked as the winner—but I didn't want to go that way. It's never been about me. That's one of the reasons I have no guilt about letting it lapse for weeks on end. )
"Like so many others, he's just sitting there waiting for al to carve him up."
-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Carve up, offer insight, make lame jokes—whatever. )

"Al's hiding in there because so many people are pissed at him."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if. Remember on the internet no one knows you're a dog, which also means no one can be sure you're NOT a dog. [Does that make sense?])
THANKS for GIVING up on us, al.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And thank YOU for reminding us that there is no humor like passive aggressive humor and passive aggressive humor is no humor at all.)

"The sixth turkey is really from me."--LA in AL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a note I included to confirm that a cap I posted was actually from me. Posting something under my name is like stealing from a panhandler.)
"If you think this is a big turkey, check out al in la's unjudged anti-caption contest."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Never begin an entry with the words, “If you think.” Anti-Cappers interpret that as a cheap shot.)
"You reckon this bird is stuffed? Go check out Al's cap contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not exactly a knee slapper but it calls attention to the infinite capacity of empty space.)
"How long should you cook it? If you start now, it'll be ready by Thanksgiving...2014! Or, when al gets around to judging this Contest -- whichever comes first."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And apparently you can't have turkey without whine.)
"Our small turkeys sold out. Try the Anti-Caption contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So this is the go-to place for small turkeys? Whatever. Reminds of a type-o I once made in a news story: I mentioned that some new high tech gizmo represented “turkey technology” when I meant to say “turnkey technology.” Stupid fucking spell check didn't catch it, and neither did the lazy-ass copy editors. [True story.])
"It's stuffed with the dashed dreams of Anti-Caption Contest contributors. And, some caraway seeds."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My grandmother used to chop up the heart and use it in the stuffing [The turkey's heart, I mean]. She was a decent loving woman who grew up in poverty, so I refuse to believe it was needlessly sadistic.)
"This is called an alinlaturkey. It's al in la stuffed inside a turkey."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No problem. You may call it a “turkey,” I think of it as a “host.” )

67 comments:

Anonymouse said...

"This is called an alinlaturkey. It's al in la stuffed inside a turkey."

Tim H said...

"I'm sorry. This one is reserved for Evrolet Girl."

Kathy H said...

"It's stuffed with the dashed dreams of Anti-Caption Contest contributors. And, some caraway seeds."

LR said...

"Yeah, it's kosher. But when you drag it into the oven, be careful."

boneguy said...

We knew the Affordable Care Act website was a turkey, just not this big.

Anonymous said...

"Our small turkeys sold out. Try the Anti-Caption contest."

boneguy said...

It's from a turkey farm located in the Fukushima prefecture.

Anonymous said...

"Chernobyl? Oh right. I get it, lady..HaHa...except now it's Fukushima."

Anonymous said...

They call him boneguy because, well...he's six minutes faster than I am."

Anonymouse said...

"Well, some people roast it, and some people deep-fry it. But here, we just STEAM it..er, I mean, STAEM it."

Tim H said...

"Yeah, we got giblets, lady. We got giblets up the wazoo!"

Kathy H said...

"What? You never heard of Big Bird??"

Anonymouse said...

"How long should you cook it? If you start now, it'll be ready by Thanksgiving...2014! Or, when al gets around to judging this Contest -- whichever comes first."

Anonymous said...

"You reckon this bird is stuffed? Go check out Al's cap contest."

Henny Penny Youngman said...

"It was so cold today, lady, that I saw a chicken crossing the road with a capon. Now, as for this turkey..."

Puffin said...

"And we deliver to your nearest blast furnace."

boneguy said...

It's my statement casket.

Satireguy said...

"It was run over by a giant Jetta."

Rex said...

"Some of our Jewish customers found the oven off-putting."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's our Butterball Turkey ... But with more 'Balls'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's a 'Chris Christie Fryer' with 'Snooki' stuffing!"

Anonymous said...

"Sure, it's still fresh. It's only been dead for nine weeks."

boneguy said...

You haven't heard? The Gold's Gym people got into the poultry business.

Anonymouse said...

"Alls I'm saying is, when that in-bird thermometer pops out, you better yell 'heads up!'"

Satireguy said...

"If you think this is a big turkey, check out al in la's unjudged anti-caption contest."

Satireguy said...

"Yes, I'm afraid Sesame Street was cancelled last week."

pg13 said...

"Whore moans?"

Anonymous said...

"We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat."

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Before this gig, he was the San Diego chicken,

gfwrite said...

It was captured emerging from Tokyo Harbor.

gfwrite said...

The farmer said it was phonetically modified or something.

gfwrite said...

Yeah, well. You won't believe the Xmas tree we're putting up.

gfwrite said...

Oh, for sure. It was definitely cage-free.

gfwrite said...

Biggest pecker I ever saw.

NJ-to-TX said...

"Guys want 'em with really big breasts."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Used in the 'Wild Turkey Bourbon' slogan, 'Give 'em the Bird'!"

Anonymous said...

"You're gonna need a bigger gravy boat."

Puffin said...

"It's our version of giving the customer the option to upsize."

Mike Ropenis said...

Yes we can fit this in your Hummer but your dick will still be tiny.

Dr Sumguy said...

"And I'll throw in a 'Shipping Container' for easy brining!"

LA in AL said...

"The sixth turkey is really from me."

Levon Delight said...

Uh, UH! YOU'RE a big turkey!

pg13 said...

"If you think this is big, check out my Rocky Mountain oysters!"

Anonymous said...

THANKS for GIVING up on us, al.

Anonymous said...

"Al's hiding in there because so many people are pissed at him."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I don't know how it stays on the counter either, but this is a cartoon - just suspend disbelief."

Anonymous said...

"Like so many others, he's just sitting there waiting for al to carve him up."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

You try living with an elephantine left arm that looks like a plucked turkey, you effing bitch

Satireguy said...

"Yes, it's a big bird and no, it's not Big Bird."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I you don't judge them when they're normal sized, they just get bigger and uglier and people lose interest in them. How about some red herring today?"

Shelly said...

"Our hot dogs, like Al's contest judgments, are available in packs of ten."

boneguy said...

It's not for sale. We're saving it to celebrate when al's lithium levels stabilize.

Anonymous said...

"Just a cautionary note—there's a Mexican family living inside."

Anonymous said...

Hi, my name's Al. Here we sell gigantic turkeys to suckers like you.

NJ-to-TX said...

"We sold a bigger one last year."

Anonymous said...

"We like to think of it as curvy."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Died of erotic asphyxiation ... I knew him as 'Gasper'!"

Dex said...

"A clean kitchen is essential Mrs. al, so get rid of the dirty baster."

LR said...

The hiatus has done you good, Al. You have stumbled onto a kernel of truth about the relationship of this contest's winning anti-cap and the former winner, "The walk-in oven seems to put off our Jewish friends." from the Radosh days. As the author of both, I agree that insensitivity can put the "Anti" into "Anti-Caption". So in a way, the entry is a leftover. But as you correctly state, the flavor of this dish has been blended and made subtler over time, like the mellowing of some dishes like chili, especially turkey chili. Thanks for the winning nod. We all know anti-caps are usually much funnier than the NYer contest offerings. But I urge all die-hard anti-cappers to remember that "aggressively unfunny" deadpan anti-caps can be just as good (bad), like Pareene's memorable announcement by a violist when a monster ATV crushes a sextet member (2003), "There is a man pinned under this truck who requires immediate medical assistance. Someone please call for an ambulance. Please, before it's too late." Old school, but nice patina.

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.