Sunday, December 26, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #269

Note: A year-end editorial in the N.Y. Daily News was headlined "worst of the worst -- 2010 Knuckleheads on parade." It was a list of local folk you did or said something stupid last year: A nature lover fights to keep birds nesting near airports ; a judge downloads porn at work, an air traffic controller lets his kid land a few planes, and so on. It was typical Daily News stuff: cranky and jaded, charming and cynical. The paper has always presented itself as a common sense working man's take on life in the big ugly city. It is one thing I truly miss about NYC. (Ironically the Post, which sucks, is readily available in L.A. but no print edition of the News can be found here.)
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Naturally, the News headline brought to mind the Anti-Caption contest. Knuckleheads are those too clueless to know they are doing something everyone else knows is idiotic. And, of course, the worst of the worst is pretty self explanatory, which brings me to this contest. The headline in the News made me smirk a knowing smirk because it describes many of the entries we see here each week. So as we begin the new year, let me once again renew my call for entries that actually add something to the contest. Also, try not to exceed the 25-word/five-cap limit. This past week I actually deleted a few entries from contestants who don't know how to count when to say when. So please, lets not unravel our fragile alliance. Cap carefully but not too often. Also if you are still wondering what we are looking for, it usually comes down to this: Anything interesting, imaginative, topical or even slightly funny that would never see the light of day in the real contest is welcome. Naturally a stupid little pun isn't going to hurt anything, but just one--okay? Most important use your judgment and don't post something that everyone else will see as crap. In other words: don't be a knucklehead.
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WINNERS
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FIRST PLACE
"But first, does anybody have to go to the hydrant?"--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Almost every one focused on the cat being in charge of dogs. This is more evolved. More hip. It suggests that if dogs worked in an office setting they would still want to piss on fire hydrants. It also says that if cats were ever put in charge of dogs they would extend simple courtesies. So with the republicans taking over in congress it's topical and even encouraging.)

SECOND PLACE
"Why did The Man put me in charge? Because I'm a hardass who'll scratch your eyes out as soon as look at you. I'm not looking to be anybody's best friend." --
Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A good manager can say all that with just a glance. What we have here is irony and social commentary. For many middle managers a cat's narcissistic, self involved persona is a greater asset than the loyalty and nobility common to dogs. That's what this says and, yes, that's just the way we roll here in the USA.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Hi everyone. I'm Morris. Second unit director on "The Michael Vick Story." I will be filming the torture scenes..."-- Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests that a cat has been hired by Vick to reenact the cruelty that landed the football star in prison for 18 months. That makes it topical and funny but in a sick way--perfect Anti-Cap fodder. Vick is very contrite and he has paid his debt. But he will always be a sadistic sicko to me. What's worse: he's now on the Eagles so I hate his freakin' guts.)

"As you all know, first prize is a window-open ride in a Cadillac Eldorado. Second prize is a steak. Third prize is you're neutered." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to Glengarry Glen Ross. Alec Balwin's character makes a similar speech in the film version of David Mamet's play about self loathing bitter men with no recourse but to sell worthless real estate to people who don't want it. The film ends on a sad rainy night. As closing credits roll we hear Tom Watt's mournful rendition of "Blue Skys." I know this film well, is what I'm trying to say.)

"I'm just sayin'. For the tennis rackets, why can't we use doggut, instead?" --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is way too tame and far too lame. If the cat is really is in charge, this would be a mandate. Even better: the cat could be wielding a knife and extracting the needed raw material. The other dogs could be gasping in horror, thereby increasing the humor value. Now that would be a funny cartoon/caption.)

"First, I need to announce the deaths of Buster and Max since our last meeting. Did anyone bring chocolate today?" --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As all dog owners know [or should know] chocolate can be deadly to dogs. I'm told God extracted this concession when he enabled them to lick their own balls.)

"The meeting of Pets Who Have Been Humiliated by their Humans in YouTube Videos shall come to order. Let us first acknowledge Buddy following the 'unfortunate' poisoning death of his owner." ---Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What could be more humiliating for a dog than to attend such a meeting and find it is being led by a cat? Well intended but confusing, Gary.)

"... furthermore, our insurance stipulates that office mail can no longer be delivered by the miniature Chuckwagon." -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Everyone under 30 is like "What's 'office mail?' " This recalls a memorable dog food commercial. As a kid I wondered why the dog didn't just eat the little horses as they galloped by.)

As you can see by our agenda, not a single one of us can type. --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us that animals that lack an opposable thumb still struggle for acceptance in the work place. I predict that when voice recognition software extends to barking and meowing it will be like inter-species NAFTA.)

"Those in favor of my brilliant idea, please 'bark'; Those opposed 'meow'."(please note: Dogs can't meow making this subtle and funny rather than overt and funny (see pussy jokes).) --Meow Tse Tongue (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A witty remark is like something done in the heat of passion: If you feel the need to immediately explain it, you probably should not have done it. Your comments erroneously assume this is funny. Remarkably we received few if any "pussy jokes." The signature is the best part of this ridiculous entry.)

"You listen to me, Rin Tin Tin, one more silent-but-deadly outta' you and I'm gonna' come over there and slap the taste of Beethoven's ass out yer mouth!" --Dogs Can't Give Autographs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Are you saying the cat is like a racist who calls every Spanish man "Pedro?" Or did you just go with obvious dog names? Also, wouldn't the he-who-smelt-it-dealt-it rule apply here?)

Let me assure you gentlemen, Every Executive Zen Garden I received for Christmas from each of you, will get my Special attention! --Jolie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has a germ of humor but it is clumsy. It also makes the boss out to be mean. Maybe it works better if the clueless cat innocently assumes the "zen garden" was a litter box. They do have a similar design and purpose.)

I just wanted to meet the pitching staff, and please call me Sandy.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah, yeah...I get it. Let's at least wait 'til the leaves are back on the trees before declaring the Mets mutts.)

All I'm saying, on larger accounts, please keep the leg humping to a minimum--boneguy --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is just not the type of thing you can talk a dog out of. The heart wants what the heart wants. Interestingly, choir-boy-turned-casino-promoter, Ralph Reed, used to refer to raising money as "humping accounts," so there's that.)

The arfs here are obscene.--Jim Cavanaugh
re-write:The arfers here are obscene.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Either way, Jim, these both smell like wet dog. Still I appreciate your efforts to keep alive a classic. What's that you say? "Let's see you do better?" Okay, how 'bout: "The howling here is obscene." )

Fursilli, you crazy Bast-turd, howl the hell arf you?--Fritz von Katzjammer (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic and the signature is a nod to a pioneering cartoonist. Still, it is terrible. And may I once again point out there is no "hell" in the last part. How about: "Fido you crazy bitch! How are you?" That would be funnier because this is one of those rare instances when it's legit to say "bitch.")

No contest results yet. Is al fucking the dog again?--Wanda Ring (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you mean "screwing the pooch," I can only say, been there, done that. Also if the results are tardy it is seldom because I have something more pressing to do. Yeah, I hope that hurts, Wanda.)

Look, I don't expect you to get cat humor anymore than alinla gets that Konrad guy's. --DarkonFritz (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So... from this am I to assume that Konrad has advanced some type of cat humor that I failed to grasp? I thought cat humor was mostly limited to peeing in your shoes.)

Did you dogs hear about poor alinla? Yeah, seems he got whiplash trying to follow all the jokes whizzing by overhead.--von Katzjammer (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am touched that this serious looking business meeting includes an update on my condition. Maybe when one of the dogs heard the news about my supposed whiplash he simply said "ruff.")

Again let me reiterate: Ruth is already in the hall of fame, today we're voting on Bert Blyleven. (Sheesh!)--Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, of course, I get it. It is an obvious reference to Ruth Buzzi, a regular on the old show Laugh-In. Her long time love interest, Bert Lancaster, earned his nick name because when he dated he was usually "in by eleven." Ms. Buzzi, now 74, is actually honored on Hollywood's WALK of Fame. [Sorry, Rog. That part you got wrong] There is no voting involved. Celebrities simply pay a fee and agree to show up for the ceremony. Also, if you are "reiterating" something you are saying it "again." In the future, hopefully no one else will embarrass themself by suggesting that I don't "get" the obscure references. )




121 comments:

Al Gato said...

It's a reigning cat and dogs

NAMBY said...

"Okay. Listen up. You want to work here? The butt sniffing has got to stop...Agreed?"

Richard H said...

"You'll find my bark is a lot worse than my bit."

Richard H said...

"You'll find my bark is a lot worse than my bite."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said... "That's right. A cat's in charge, be-atches!"

Austin in PA said...

Even with a Dogocratic president, a few Repurrblicans managed to land Cabinet positions.

Austin in PA said...

As you can see by our agenda, not a single one of us can type.

JohnnyB said...

Yes, before the Shelter Revolution, I said all animals are equal - we are - but some are more equal than others.

JohnnyB said...

Every time we go out, I have the cat chow and you all have the dog chow. Let's change it up a bit, okay, boys?

JohnnyB said...

What's the matter? You've never seen a cat sit up at the table before?

Richard H said...

"Why did The Man put me in charge? Because I'm a hardass who'll scratch your eyes out as soon as look at you. I'm not looking to be anybody's best friend."

Meow Tse Tongue said...

"Those in favor of my brilliant idea, please 'bark'; Those opposed 'meow'."

(please note: Dogs can't meow making this subtle and funny rather than overt and funny (see pussy jokes).)

LR said...

"With ample fire hydrants available on the street, the request for more indoor bathroom facilities is hereby denied."

Hiss Tail Takeover said...

(one dog to another sotto voce)
Now I know why Garfield got shot

Satireguy said...

"I hope there are no hard felines about me being top dog."

Satireguy said...

"I'm afraid a few testicles will roll around here."

boneguy said...

And last on our agenda: "Help control the pet population; have your pet spayed or neutered." Any thoughts?

boneguy said...

I smell a rat.

HeyHey Mama said...

Thank goodness there are no black cats or dogs here to see this.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to meet the pitching staff, and please call me Sandy.

Rocko

Tim H said...

"I don't want to make a big deal, but this report is dog-eared."

Roger Kaputnik said...

Again let me reiterate: Ruth is already in the hall of fame, today we're voting on Bert Blyleven. (Sheesh!)

Kathy H said...

"I have to say, your suggestion gives one paws."

Dad Cat said...

"Don't worry, I manage doggie-style."

Anonymous said...

The arfs here are obscene.

Jim Cavanaugh

Morris said...

"Bad news! It looks like a double-flea-dip recession."

boneguy said...

Firstly, I want to reiterate that I fully support this company's anti-dogscrimination policy.

Damon said...

"Murders, suicides, and assaults are up sharply this quarter. So that's the last time you guys record a fucking holiday song."

Baddog said...

Ever since Rocky joined in with those Tea Party guys , He's taken this 'Puss-suit' of happiness thing a bit too far

C Boxx said...

Almond Roca anyone?

boneguy said...

All I'm saying, on larger accounts, please keep the leg humping to a minimum.

Jolie said...

Let me assure you gentlemen, Every Executive Zen Garden I received for Christmas from each of you, will get my Special attention!

Gary P said...

"First, I need to announce the deaths of Buster and Max since our last meeting. Did anyone bring chocolate today?"

Ashen Dockworker said...

Barring a catastrophe with my cataract surgery or some cataclysm, I'm off to Catalonia on my catamaran to catalog catacombs with my Catahoula catamite.

Anonymous said...

"Feline, canine . . . let's remember, it's the bottom line we're dealing with here."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Well, Mr. Konrad, if, indeed, that is his real name, thinks he’s the ‘cat’s meow’ . . . Let’s not forget, it’s a ‘dog-eat-dog’ world and that’s fine with me.”


---blw

Ashen Dockworker said...

Meow!

Ashen Dockworker said...

What kinda fuckin' jingle is "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meowwwwww"?

Anonymous said...

“Okay, roll call . . . feline, that’s me; canine, canine, canine, canine, canine and . . . what’s this??? . . . lupine???”


---blw

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"'Raining cats and dogs.' Legal says we can sue for copyright infringement."

Ashen Dockworker said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to roll over and play dead.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"I have just one thing to say: Get meowt of here!"

Anonymous said...

“Well, you’re probably wondering why I called you all here tonight . . . as your loving father, I think you are now old enough to know that . . . yes, it’s true . . . each of you is adopted.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Well, order the horsemeat if you must, you predictable curs. Frankly, I'm in the mood for tuna."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“As ‘top cat’ of this corporation, you members of the Board, I fear, have adhered too literally to the old adage, ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ . . . Goddammit, wake up, I’m speaking to you!!!”


-left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said... "Look. Just because we're from different parties doesn't mean we can't find common ground. Item One on the agenda: Fleas."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Gentlemen, this is serious. We've lost our leash."

Anonymouse said...

"The stockholders have spoken. You should all just bow-wowt."

JohnnyB said...

Thanks boys, but, as your boss, I can't join your poker game tomorrow night. Besides, my frenz and I go haz cheezburgerz then. LOL!

NJ-to-TX said...

"Is there anyone here who didn't get his anal glands expressed this morning?"

Anonymous said...

re-write:

The arfers here are obscene.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymouse said...

"Gentlemen, I am pleased that the prediction of Dr. Peter Venkman, equating ...dogs and cats living together... with a disaster of biblical proportions, has finally been proven false."

Gary P said...

"The meeting of Pets Who Have Been Humiliated by their Humans in YouTube Videos shall come to order. Let us first acknowledge Buddy following the 'unfortunate' poisoning death of his owner."

Anonymous said...

"Adogio for strings?......Samuel Barker?.....anyone?"


PB

Anonymouse said...

"I'm just sayin'. For the tennis rackets, why can't we use doggut, instead?"

Knute R. said...

If we pool our resources, I think we can string this Bob Barker guy up by his balls. No offense CoCo!

Anonymous said...

You've each been given a new sales territory. Now, go out and mark it.

Rocko

Jess said...

"Hi everyone. I'm Morris. Second unit director on "The Michael Vick Story." I will be filming the touture scenes..."

Cat Woman said...

"That's a good point, Rufus, but try being a little less dogmatic."

Anonymous said...

"Heel . . . sit . . . that's good, boys, but before I ask you all to roll over, I want you to know it may have been dogged determination that got me where I am today, but it's NOT because of your ability to land on your feet that explains where you are right now!"


---(S)catman Crothers

Anonymous said...

"Hendersen, showing off to my secretary how you can lick your private parts needs to end. Besides, we can all do that!" -cta

Anonymous said...

"Ok, our advertizing still needs to capture the rat and mouse demographic. Well? Any ideas? I'm waiting with baited breath." -cta

Anonymous said...

"Does anyone see any downside to my plan? No? What a bunch of brown-nosers. Not that you can help yourselves." -cta

Darkon said...

Look, I don't expect you to get cat humor anymore than alinla gets that Konrad guy's.

Anonymous said...

"Ok, fine, so who's gonna fetch my diaphragm?"

Anonymous said...

Our last quarter was arf-full.

Jim Cavanaugh

Darkon said...

Who let you dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who?

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Barfo is out sick again with lupus.

Satireguy said...

"All in favor of the Whiskas bailout say 'meow'."

Eric G said...

You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.

http://anyclip.com/u/the-40-year-old-virgin/dHgZumJ74htbY/

Utellme said...

"Butch, I'm gonna' need you to wear skirts and put on a little makeup now and then. Fido, go fetch me a cup of coffee, heavy on the milk. Rover . . . hey, Rover! I'm over HERE."

Utellme said...

"Settle down, settle down. Yes, it's true, Lassie's in heat. But you'll be glad to know she will be in this week - on Wednesday ONLY!"

Anonymous said...

"Agreed. Everyone seems to like no-collar Fridays." - ECB

Utellme said...

"Because I've managed to be fed, worshipped as a god, and given lifelong shit-in-the-house privileges without having to lead the blind, babysit junkyards or sniff out drugs at the airport - THAT'S why."

Anonymous said...

"Damn it, Rex! You were supposed to bring a pen to take minutes. Go fetch!" - ECB

Utellme said...

"Benji, take a memo. *ahem* 'Dear Scooby Doo: I regret to inform you that I won't be able to attend your pool party this weekend. May I take a rain check?' Uh, scratch that."

Utellme said...

"Do you people do that EVERY time you hear a siren? How annoying."

Anonymous said...

"I'm sorry to inform you that there are no outplacement services. You're being put down." - ECB

Anonymous said...

labinla tells me you mongrels have promised to do better this year.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Quit with the hangdog looks already; I know morale is low, so come summer we're going to have Dog Day every Friday.

Anonymous said...

"But first, does anybody have to go to the hydrant?"

dwilk

S. Green said...

"I couldn't care less that it's a lie. From now on, the first ingredient listed on all cat food labels is 'ground humans'."

Anonymous said...

"... furthermore, our insurance stipulates that office mail can no longer be delivered by the miniature Chuckwagon." -cta

Anonymous said...

"This is an iPad. I requested an iPawed." -cta

Anonymous said...

I don't speak dog. Lick one nut for yes, two for no.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

I'll keep this short; it's hump day.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"As if. I need these boots to wade through all the carp, er, crap around here. By the way, who's buying lunch?"

Anonymous said...

"Look-a here, Spot, you're just a token. No one gives a damn about your scratch-'n-sniff campaign idea - you got it, BOY?"

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, my husband's name is Dick. So what?"

Anonymous said...

"OK, the janitorial crew has agreed to no vacuuming during Board Meetings. Will that stop your bitching???"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“C’mon, it’s late, it’s a full moon, the owners are gone . . . and you’re all quiet as can be. What’s the matter---cat got your tongue???”


---left coast wayne

NJ-to-TX said...

"No one goes for a walk until I find out who defaced the 'Dogs Playing Poker' poster."

al Catta said...

"Welcome aboard! The details of your suicide missions are in front of you. oh yea, enjoy your virgins."

Fritz von Katzjammer said...

Did you dogs hear about poor alinla? Yeah, seems he got whiplash trying to follow all the jokes whizzing by overhead.

Steve_O said...

"...and when I say you're all going to be downsized, I mean, of course, euthanized."

Anonymous said...

"Actually, I'm only on life #3. Two years ago, after being hit by a milk truck, I said, 'God,' he said 'Yeah?' I said, 'next time, I'd like to be top dog."

Uncle Tom Cat, Supreme Court Justice said . . . said...

"Yesterday, I put a hairball in your Coke."

Catman Scrothers said...

"You ever notice how catshit in the litter box looks just like Almond Roca? You ever notice how I'm always serving you idiots Almond Roca? Hmmm?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Since none of you could read last week's agenda, I had this one printed up in braille."

Good Will Hunting-dog said...

you're the Shepard!

Eartha Kitty said...

I'm naming one of you to a new post.
That's right Scatching post
Bend over Rover and take it like the Bitch you are!

TS Eliot said...

"C'mon everybody sing: 'Gus is the cat at the Theatre Door. His name, as I ought to have told you before,
is really Asparagus. That's such a fuss to pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus.'
You fuckers better start singing or it's neuter time."

Talking Memo said...

"Mr. Vick sends his regrets."

Der Fur-her said...

Because I'm the Boss
I drive a Catillac, you mutts drive Dogdes. Don't like it, lick it!

Anonymous said...

"Which one of you fuckers ate the annual report?"

PB

boneguy said...

Kibble, shmibble. Tonight we feast on monkey brains!

Anonymous said...

"...and I received each of your memos about a Timmy falling down a well."

-- Dex

Damon said...

"As you all know, first prize is a window-open ride in a Cadillac Eldorado. Second prize is a steak. Third prize is you're neutered."

Jess said...

"Toilet bowl water is for closers." (H/T: Damon)

Fritz von Katzjammer said...

My bum leg is killing me; let's take a break. Oh, would one of you fetch my stick?

Fritz von Katzjammer said...

What up, dogs?

Steve_O said...

"The cat's in the well, the wolf is looking down. If dogs run free, why not me? Or to put it another way, you're all fired."

Fritz von Katzjammer said...

Fursilli, you crazy Bast-turd, howl the hell arf you?

Ceiling Cat said...

Ok, who's wearing the eau de toilette?

Ceiling Cat said...

If you're going out for lunch, bring me back a doggie bag.

Anonymous said...

Anonymouse said....

"O.K. Next. Jets versus Colts. Who's the dog?"

Ceiling Cat said...

I want to congratulate Foxcliffe Hickory Wind here for third in the Hound Group, but this isn't some bitch beauty contest, it's a board room.

Steve_O said...

"So if there's no objections, we'll order mouse for lunch again today."

Anonymous said...

Better yet: The howlers here are obscene.

Jim Cavanaugh

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