RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #235

Note: After much consideration TV funnyman Jon Stewart was not named among the winners this week. As I mentioned in my previous post, The Daily Show host said he has been submitting the same sarcastic caption to The New Yorker contest over and over for a year. Considering that it's not even a particularly good cap, I thought we should throw him into to our winner's circle. But I figured it should only be for people who take the time to enter. Sorry Jon.
There were some pretty creative interpretations of the ballet dancer in the line-up. One of the things that really separates this from the "real" contest is that those stuffed shirts can't touch thorny issues like gang rape and tit size (poor bastards.) They may have the audience, the advertisers and good manners, but we have the freedom and (in a perverse way) the moral superiority. Here than are last week's winner and comments from me that have nothing to do with anything. (It is extremely bad luck to read any of these and not leave a comment validating my efforts.)

WINNER

[In Polish]: "Sir, your new cabinet."-- reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Joke probably considered [but ultimately rejected] by Jay Leno: " I guess he misunderstood when they told him he had to change planes." This highly topical Anti-Cap came only hours after the president of Poland was killed in a Plane crash. Yes, the dumb Pollock bit has been done to death, but this cap does it in such a subtle way, that anyone who might actually be offended is too stupid to get it.)

SECOND PLACE
"...Again, the numbers for today's Mid-Day 5-Digit Lotto are 1-2-3-4-5." -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great creativity, absurd yet oddly accessible. It looks like five people you would randomly see at the DMV or (if the woman had tattoos) Wal-Mart.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"OK, number 4. It's your turn to put on the tutu." --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No disrespect but this could win the real contest. And you could see the cops making them all wear the tutu, in fact I think "wear" works better than "put on." )

No bail bond, we expect you to try to flee. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach, but very clever addition to the "Mr. Bond" franchise.)

One ... line-up confrontation, Let the victim see their face Everyone, turn to the right One ... feeling of frustration, If you can't make your case Turn left, everyone. Ma'am, do you see the ballerina who assaulted you? (I know: Too long)-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: On the first day of the contest Johnny submitted a blank caption. So I think he should get some leeway on the word count. Besides, I thought he was going all Rosa Parks on me because I had previously ridiculed his caps. (Some of which really suck, by the way) I too thought of the song from A Chorus Line but unlike me, Johnny wasn't afraid to admit it.)

"One!...singular sensation, every little step he takes."-- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I see someone else is well versed in show tunes.)

"The Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe is finally brought to justice."--Dave (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is slightly funny because The Alvin Ailey Co. always seems to find dancers who have a look that is, shall we say, earthy. )

"Okay, day laborers, I need two tilers, a drywall hanger, and a coryphee."--Trout Almondine(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I kind of get this. Coryphee is a ballet dancer, Still, I have no idea what a "tiler" is and I always thought all walls were dry.)

"Number three, show us your tits. Now turn to the left. Now dance around a little."-- jf (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which is exactly what they would think about making her do--which is why this is funny.)

"Number three! That's the one I raped!"-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of a reverse line up where the perp fingers the vic. He'd have to be an EDP, of course but I like the Bizzaro World approach.)

"Number five, please show us your interpretation, in dance, of the phrase, 'Your money or your life!'"-- Martha Graham (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This too could win the "real" contest. I also wonder if any self respecting mugger still says "Your money or your life.")

The Boss was right; there really was a ballet being fought out in the alley." (sorry, just horrid)-- Clarence (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not horrid at all, Big Man. Did you expect that I'd just stand back and let it all be?)

"I guess you're all wondering if you'll be collared here today." --Andy Sipowicz (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic cap, this one delivered by a gruff but lovable guy in a short sleeve shirt and a tie.)

Number three, you find out I'm also dating number four. What's your response?"-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a joke about acting class or maybe an inprov group. These are venues that make you feel like you are a criminal or even worse, untalented.)

"Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 New York Mets starting rotation!"
--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This unfair to Johan Santana but, sadly, there is a germ of humor here [actually three grems].)

"Fugitive, you crazy bastard!. How are you?" --A. Stretch (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice one!)

"Definitely 3. Because she's to the right of Spring." [This is an obvious and ham-handed reference to the notorious riot at the premiere of Nijinsky and Stravinsky's ballet 'The Rite of Spring' at the Theatre des Champs-Elysee in Paris in 1913. Also number 2 is clearly former Cardinals pitcher Jack Spring.]-- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You, sir, have rendered the most esoteric, incomprehensible Anti-Cap in recent memory. I tip my cap if only to scratch my head.)

Casting call for that new porn flick - Francis With Wolves.-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great pun and such films often piggyback recognizable names ie: Hannah Does Her Sisters [actual title].)

"Chief, it appears Swan Lake has its share of bad yeggs."-- MC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An even better pun if you are among those who ever heard the word "yeggs")

"One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong, Can you tell which thing is not like the others By the time I finish my song?" -- Kermit (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is because only one of them is wearing a hat.)

An Anti-Caption judge tested my patience once. I ate his liver with some baked beans and farted all night.-- jazzy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you wanted to keep it real you should have gone with "tried to test..." Still made me smile.)