UNOFFICIAL RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #232

Note: Last week was not "my week" to judge the Anti-Cap Contest. What I have included in this post are strictly my unofficial, just-for-the-hell-of-it picks. They have no legal or binding authority (not even in Delaware).
If you have been named as a winner or received an honorable mention here, you have every right to be proud. Still, you should not include this distinction on your resume or bio. If you run for office, it's not cool to tell voters: "I'm the only one in this race who has been honorably mentioned by in the prestigious Anti-Caption contest." And if your survivors want to include it in your obit, they should specify that you had no life the results were unofficial. Keep in mind that this is mostly just something for me to do while watching TV.

UPDATE: In response to a mild tug of modest demand, the unofficial results this week include a value-added interactive feature. After careful research, the name of each winner links to a photo. This feature has been included before and drew scant notice modest praise. To keep it real, I have included an actual honest to goodness photo of me, al in la, that was taken by my wife, Mrs. al in la. I must report that the critter in the shot is no longer with us. We adopted him from a little place in L.A.'s Chinatown that specializes in such things. He's gone now, but I can honestly say we loved that little guy.

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Winner
"If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have brought a cellphone. Now fuck off." --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An Anti-Cap from "Rob" posted immediately before this one said "I'm attracted to men who ignore me so fuck off!" Richard's winning cap may have been a rip off of inspired by Rob's, but it is still much better. It makes a comment about modern life and shallow, self-absorbed people who say mean things to strangers. And isn't that what the Anti-Cap is all about?)

Second Place
"I don't know. Why are any of us here? Who can say? We've been mulling it over for years. The best we came up with is it's probably good to look busy." -- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very philosophical and probably true.)

Honorable Mentions
"Would you mind playing chess with Elvis Costello while I go look for a better cartoon?" --LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh because the cartoon is kind of crappy and the guy does look like Elvis, BUT the women is NOT playing chess, she is reading a book with a blank cover. Maybe if it said " while I wait for a better cartoon.")

"These parties don't really get interesting until the fucking starts." Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was the first anti-cap posted last week so I thought it should get some props. Also the 6-1 guy/girl ratio seems realistic. From what I've read, sex parties always seem to draw far more guys than gals. )

"The table manners here are obscene." -- gluelicker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It'a dull and it doesn't rhyme with "hours." Also there is no evidence of poor table manners. But it keeps alive a classic so...)

"I'd comment about your not having a mouth, but that'd be a cliche. That happens every once in a while, every time 'Dd' renders a cartoon. So I guess I'll go back to reading my book. Oh, you don't seem to have anything to do. Well, you could hum yourself a little... oops."--gluelicker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Caps that discuss the quirks of the cartoonist are always welcome. I don't get "hum yourself a little." And even if it is supposed to be "hum to yourself" it's still rather soft, humor-wise.)

"Don't look now but I think the guy next to me listening to 'My Sharona' on repeat is Lenin. I said don't look!" --TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought the headphones guy with the pointy beard looks a bit like Vladimir Lenin and I liked the "I said don't look!" at the end. Also the guy who wrote "My Sharona" died recently (no one really knows his name). So this has all the elements.)

Meanwhile, at the weekly meeting for the Department of Semiotics and Abortion: "Jesus is coming, look busy!" [Just call me Sean Delonas!] --TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am only including this to show that I got it. Delonas is a racist, homophobic cartoonist for the NY Post. I hate his work but I grudgingly do admire his willingness to publish cartoons that are cruel, offensive and widely hated, simply because they are funny. He would have made an outstanding anti-capper if he had not gone the other way.)

Just between us, I'm getting burned out on South By Southwest. I mean, look at these douchebags . . . Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: All the totally hip people know SXSW long ago became commercialized and over exposed and this would have been better if Rog referred to it as "SXSW." UPDATE: A comment about this comment from "Glenn" notes that " 1000+ noncommercial and garage bands, and a good 100+ indie films" participated in the recently concluded SXSW. (Sponsors included Miller Lite, Chevy and AOL). My comment was aimed primarily at mocking people who mock everything that attracts an audience larger than this blog. Also, there may have been 100+ indie films but how many were really "good?" )

Al, you really fucked up the last round of judging. That's why we're ignoring you. -- clannish (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can't ignore someone AND obsess over them.)

"How do you do. My name is Ms. Evloret and I've recently lost a lot of weight...and height.-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This refers to a cap contest cartoon from a while back that had a giant woman scaling a building. The first three letters of a big "Chevrolet" sign are obscured, leaving us with "evloret." She has since been known as the "Evloret woman." Again, I just want to show that I get "it," even if "it" is not at all funny or interesting. I have a fondness for the classics.)

Come on, Greed. Give Wrath his white rooks back, before he goes postal on us. Then you can do me, because being an attractive woman, of course I'm Lust. --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference, of course, to the Seven Deadly Sins. Nice imagery but I have a few issues: Wrath is more likely the guy on the computer (bloging, no doubt). Pride is probably playing chess alone while Envy pretends to ignore him. No one here is really fat enough to be Gluttony, and Sloth would be home judging Wrath's entry in the Anti-Cap contest.)

It's amazing how the MTA is always crying poverty, yet can still come through with the WOW! factor on this D train." -- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought it may be a means of mass transit that has captivated these people, but not the D train. Once, on a crowded Amtrak from D.C. to NYC I was seated facing a stunningly attractive woman who was, as it happens, scantily clad. We were face-to-face and knees-to-knees for like three hours. It became awkward as I tried not to stare. This cap made me think of that is all I'm trying to say.)

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dine."
"My hand has just a couple of digits, do you mind?"
"My opponent, Bobby Fisher here, hasn't made a move in years. I fear he may be dead. I will check when I finish this book."
No, Mr. Bond, I expectorate wine.
--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: After a trio of typically banal entries JohnnyB has added an outstanding addition to the "No, Mr. Bond," franchise. It's not just great word play, the image of her spitting wine on 007 is classic. But don't forget the quote marks, Johnny. )

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your head is a clip-on."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For those just joining us, this references an another Anti-Cap oldie. In case you are wondering: The original cartoon has a bunch of business people seated around a conference table. For no apparent reason everyone has a parrot on their shoulder. One person at the table says to another: "Shut up, Pete. Everyone knows your parrot is a clip-on." Classic.)

"Just think of the irony. Someone in the real world is sitting alone in their little box staring at a computer screen trying to make fun of OUR isolation." -- Jean-Paul (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's been said that sarcasm is the grumpy man's wit. I am guessing this is not the same Jean-Paul who famously said "Hell is other people.")
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"No, Fusilli, I expect you to die. I mean fucking die." -- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first Bond/Fusilli hybrid. Nice work, dwilk. Would have been sharper if you went with "Mr. Fusilli" and threw in a "you crazy bastard." at the end.)

We're mostly a bunch of misfits who are uncomfortable in social settings. Besides, we all have our five captions in and there's little to do but wait. --A. Capper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice to see the five-cap rule is being observed but isn't "bunch of misfits" an oxymoron?)