RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #233

NOTE: Back in grade school, there was this teacher who would often complain she was "sick of seeing the same old hands" whenever she asked a question. Mine, usually, was not among those that sprang up. But she wasn't pissed at me and the other passive kids. Because it was Catholic school, she made the compliant Stepford-wife-kids feel like they were being piggy for hogging all the Q&A action. It was then that I realized that head games and hypocrisy were the twin engines that propel authority .
I mention this because it's pretty clear by now that the Anti-Cap contest is dominated by a handful of bitter malcontents very witty and insightful people. (You know who you are.) We all know that a great many of the captions submitted here each week really, really suck. But there are always those few that don't nearly suck as much. This week in particular there were several entries that would probably be a winner any other week. So, to those who, week-in-week out, submit entries that don't suck, I salute you for your fortitude and imagination.
With that in mind, this week there is a three-way tie for first place as well as a second, third, and forth place winner. After that, there is a bunch of honorable mentions. I realize this abundance of winners will invite snotty comparisons to little-kid-soccer-leagues where everyone gets a trophy, but we'll just have to live with that. Every time someone leaves a comment, an angel gets its wings.

WINNER (THREE-WAY TIE)

"Did someone in here order a jug band to play a plaintive, Depression-era folk tune about downward class mobility?" --Trout Almondine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works because it mocks corporations that can craft a specific message for any circumstance. It also conjures Woody Guthrie, a personal hero. The use of the word "plaintive" pushes it over the top.)

"You think you've got it bad? We're just the latest in a long line of redneck caricatures created for the sole purpose of making New Yorker readers feel culturally superior."-- clannish(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe one day we will evolve to a place where we no longer mock the pointy headed dorks who consume and/or produce one of the most revered publications ever seen. But that day is not today.)

"My name's Brigham Young and these are my wives. We've come to complain about the rapid and deep decline in prophets. And your spelling." TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT:: Great pun, TG. Even though there's only one woman in the cartoon I do not think he is hinting at bestiality. I also think the number of prophets has dipped significantly in recent years.)

SECOND PLACE
Let's use images of these critters' penis-shaped faces to increase sales to the under-18 demographic. Dick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's long been said that the Camel cigarette icon (pictured here) represents a sexual act. That always seemed obvious to me but I never thought the subliminal message was aimed exclusively at kids. I also thought it set unrealistic expectations.)
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THIRD PLACE
When you say 'I'm firing your ass,' can you be more specific?" Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny because you can just hear the guy with the hat saying this, Also maybe it's just the donkey who's getting canned.)

FOURTH PLACE
"Some of the shareholders are wondering if they can shit on the floor." -- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Most stockholders believe risk is the same as effort and that a loss is the same as a felony assult. That is why this is funny.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"A promise is a promise, Mr Langstaff. I suggest you try and loosen your jaw up a little. And Betty dear, would you mind fluffing the donkey's dick?" Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This starts out gross and perverted and becomes disgusting and sick. Nice work. Rich.)

Thar's a way outta this mess. Take what's left in cash flow and put it all on the Mountaineers in Indy-napolis. -- Lugar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This refers to West Virginia's first trip to the Final Four in 50 years. They play Duke next Saturday and I believe they will cover the spread. Way to keep it topical, Lugar. )

Eliza! Hey, I'm talking to you! You're supposed to be at the Passover Seder." --Yahweh(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Also topical and on target. You could be in a coma and you'd still get pressured to show up. For many religious people faith trumps reality, which I guess is the point.)

You laid off Caveman, Guy lost in Desert, People in Bar? All the stock cartoon figures? At least no black people lost their jobs. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If the Anti-Cap contest were a baseball game, Johnny B would be the old guy in the upper deck who goes to every game and keeps score. A wide brim hat protects him from the sun and a doughnut cushion cradles his tush. He's not pretty but he is a true fan.)

"Motion to make last week's unofficial results official approved. Now we've gotta run—7:00 rez at Dorsia. Oh yeah, and fix that profit shit or I'll cut off your head with a chainsaw." --Patrick Bateman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on several levels since no "official results" were registered. Now Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little.)

"That thar's whacha git fer pickin' Kansas over Northern Ioway in yer fancy brackets. No matter, it's Kentucky all the way!"-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kentucky lost. The Butler did it. West Viginny all the way.)

"Wanna get high?" Chong (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this to give props to Tommy Chong, the Nelson Mandela of stoners, and Towelie, the most annoying character from South Park.)

"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to repossess your cattlemen -- you know the cowherds here are on lien." --Jared S.(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bizarre and tortured variation on "The hours here are obscene." "A" for effort.)

"Fuel cell energy, that crazy idea! How's revenue growth?"-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so good that it would take five minute to explain why it's good. That to me is the hallmark of sophisticated humor.)

Fiduciary you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not indicted? -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another variation on "Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you" [Still baffled? Go here.] Also you should know a "fiduciary" duty is a legal or ethical relationship of confidence or trust between two or more parties. Take my word for it, that's why this is totally fucking funny.)

No Muni Bonds? We expected you to buy. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is another cap that will draw guffaws from scotch drinking fat cats who know what they know,)

"No, Mr. Icahn, we expect you to buy! The Old Lady calls it 'Countercyclical.'"-- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another down-the-block-and-back variation on a classic. )

"No, Mr. Kerkorian, we expect you to fry... the burro and the wolf. The Old Lady calls it 'Lunchmeat.'" gluelicker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just like the previous cap only with more words.)

"This is a big fucking deal!" [please note: this is the 2010 all-purpose anti-caption]-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let's see if it finds legs, Dex. I personally doubt it.)

"That's what happens when you wait too long to judge last week's contest." -- Luke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny you should bring that up, Luke. There has been talk of monetizing the cap contest. It's just talk right now but my people may be in touch.)

Hey al in la. I think he's dead. Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you speak of Harry [the other-every-other-week-judge] he is actually engaged in a full busy life. The opposite of dead.)

Howdy, I'm al in la and this is my wife, my mule and my dog. This week we'll all be judging the caption contest." Doug (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'd be more inclined to wear a NY Mets baseball cap and my mule ran off long ago. But thanks for the mention, Doug.)

this place has been knocked on it's ass ever since al in la has been judging the captions. Speaking of asses. --amy E (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the good natured ribbing [that what that it--right?] but I once again point that the only thing at stake here is the time it takes to submit an entry and the time it take for me to render it pointless, bogus or not sucky.)

"The name's Gibbon. Theodore Grant Gibbon, no relation, and we'd like to cast four Anti-Caption votes for..." PO w/da BO (JUDGE'S COMMENT: TG Gibbon is a to this anti cap contest what fertilizer is to a garden. I will not have his [her?] name besmirched)
Land o' Goshen, look at that graph! No wonder Harry high-tailed it outta town.
Patience (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He won't get far.)

"Well, Mr. Radosh, sir, as 'Sarah Supporters for Daniel Radosh' perhaps we can shed some light. Firstly, Mr. Stephen Baldwin is good people..." PO w/da BO (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I feel like Daniel moved away and we're only going to hear from him around the holidays. And Stephen is the Zeppo Marx of the Baldwin boys, I say. )

Well, the way I see it, if you didn't start so goddamned high, you wouldn't end up so goddamned low." Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this because it reflects my approach toward life.)

"I told you to use a logarithmic scale on the y-axis, but you didn't listen to me." --Albert(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who ever submitted this cap probably wonders if anyone will recognize the humor. He is also a Mets fans, I'm guessing.)

"Hey Buck-O, we just bought your intellectual property in a fire sale conducted by your senior secured creditor; wipe away your tears, and get the fuck out of here." -- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one also includes wonky business-speak and a LBO strategy that has paid for many houses in Scarsdale.)

We'd like to talk to you about refinancin' our mortgage.
Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is more ironic than funny, but it makes a statement about the fragile nature of capitalism and human relationships. )