RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #233

NOTE: Back in grade school, there was this teacher who would often complain she was "sick of seeing the same old hands" whenever she asked a question. Mine, usually, was not among those that sprang up. But she wasn't pissed at me and the other passive kids. Because it was Catholic school, she made the compliant Stepford-wife-kids feel like they were being piggy for hogging all the Q&A action. It was then that I realized that head games and hypocrisy were the twin engines that propel authority .
I mention this because it's pretty clear by now that the Anti-Cap contest is dominated by a handful of bitter malcontents very witty and insightful people. (You know who you are.) We all know that a great many of the captions submitted here each week really, really suck. But there are always those few that don't nearly suck as much. This week in particular there were several entries that would probably be a winner any other week. So, to those who, week-in-week out, submit entries that don't suck, I salute you for your fortitude and imagination.
With that in mind, this week there is a three-way tie for first place as well as a second, third, and forth place winner. After that, there is a bunch of honorable mentions. I realize this abundance of winners will invite snotty comparisons to little-kid-soccer-leagues where everyone gets a trophy, but we'll just have to live with that. Every time someone leaves a comment, an angel gets its wings.

WINNER (THREE-WAY TIE)

"Did someone in here order a jug band to play a plaintive, Depression-era folk tune about downward class mobility?" --Trout Almondine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works because it mocks corporations that can craft a specific message for any circumstance. It also conjures Woody Guthrie, a personal hero. The use of the word "plaintive" pushes it over the top.)

"You think you've got it bad? We're just the latest in a long line of redneck caricatures created for the sole purpose of making New Yorker readers feel culturally superior."-- clannish(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe one day we will evolve to a place where we no longer mock the pointy headed dorks who consume and/or produce one of the most revered publications ever seen. But that day is not today.)

"My name's Brigham Young and these are my wives. We've come to complain about the rapid and deep decline in prophets. And your spelling." TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT:: Great pun, TG. Even though there's only one woman in the cartoon I do not think he is hinting at bestiality. I also think the number of prophets has dipped significantly in recent years.)

SECOND PLACE
Let's use images of these critters' penis-shaped faces to increase sales to the under-18 demographic. Dick (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's long been said that the Camel cigarette icon (pictured here) represents a sexual act. That always seemed obvious to me but I never thought the subliminal message was aimed exclusively at kids. I also thought it set unrealistic expectations.)
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THIRD PLACE
When you say 'I'm firing your ass,' can you be more specific?" Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny because you can just hear the guy with the hat saying this, Also maybe it's just the donkey who's getting canned.)

FOURTH PLACE
"Some of the shareholders are wondering if they can shit on the floor." -- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Most stockholders believe risk is the same as effort and that a loss is the same as a felony assult. That is why this is funny.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"A promise is a promise, Mr Langstaff. I suggest you try and loosen your jaw up a little. And Betty dear, would you mind fluffing the donkey's dick?" Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This starts out gross and perverted and becomes disgusting and sick. Nice work. Rich.)

Thar's a way outta this mess. Take what's left in cash flow and put it all on the Mountaineers in Indy-napolis. -- Lugar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This refers to West Virginia's first trip to the Final Four in 50 years. They play Duke next Saturday and I believe they will cover the spread. Way to keep it topical, Lugar. )

Eliza! Hey, I'm talking to you! You're supposed to be at the Passover Seder." --Yahweh(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Also topical and on target. You could be in a coma and you'd still get pressured to show up. For many religious people faith trumps reality, which I guess is the point.)

You laid off Caveman, Guy lost in Desert, People in Bar? All the stock cartoon figures? At least no black people lost their jobs. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If the Anti-Cap contest were a baseball game, Johnny B would be the old guy in the upper deck who goes to every game and keeps score. A wide brim hat protects him from the sun and a doughnut cushion cradles his tush. He's not pretty but he is a true fan.)

"Motion to make last week's unofficial results official approved. Now we've gotta run—7:00 rez at Dorsia. Oh yeah, and fix that profit shit or I'll cut off your head with a chainsaw." --Patrick Bateman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on several levels since no "official results" were registered. Now Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little.)

"That thar's whacha git fer pickin' Kansas over Northern Ioway in yer fancy brackets. No matter, it's Kentucky all the way!"-- LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kentucky lost. The Butler did it. West Viginny all the way.)

"Wanna get high?" Chong (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this to give props to Tommy Chong, the Nelson Mandela of stoners, and Towelie, the most annoying character from South Park.)

"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to repossess your cattlemen -- you know the cowherds here are on lien." --Jared S.(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bizarre and tortured variation on "The hours here are obscene." "A" for effort.)

"Fuel cell energy, that crazy idea! How's revenue growth?"-- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is so good that it would take five minute to explain why it's good. That to me is the hallmark of sophisticated humor.)

Fiduciary you crazy bastard! How the hell are you not indicted? -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another variation on "Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you" [Still baffled? Go here.] Also you should know a "fiduciary" duty is a legal or ethical relationship of confidence or trust between two or more parties. Take my word for it, that's why this is totally fucking funny.)

No Muni Bonds? We expected you to buy. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is another cap that will draw guffaws from scotch drinking fat cats who know what they know,)

"No, Mr. Icahn, we expect you to buy! The Old Lady calls it 'Countercyclical.'"-- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another down-the-block-and-back variation on a classic. )

"No, Mr. Kerkorian, we expect you to fry... the burro and the wolf. The Old Lady calls it 'Lunchmeat.'" gluelicker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just like the previous cap only with more words.)

"This is a big fucking deal!" [please note: this is the 2010 all-purpose anti-caption]-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let's see if it finds legs, Dex. I personally doubt it.)

"That's what happens when you wait too long to judge last week's contest." -- Luke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny you should bring that up, Luke. There has been talk of monetizing the cap contest. It's just talk right now but my people may be in touch.)

Hey al in la. I think he's dead. Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you speak of Harry [the other-every-other-week-judge] he is actually engaged in a full busy life. The opposite of dead.)

Howdy, I'm al in la and this is my wife, my mule and my dog. This week we'll all be judging the caption contest." Doug (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'd be more inclined to wear a NY Mets baseball cap and my mule ran off long ago. But thanks for the mention, Doug.)

this place has been knocked on it's ass ever since al in la has been judging the captions. Speaking of asses. --amy E (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I appreciate the good natured ribbing [that what that it--right?] but I once again point that the only thing at stake here is the time it takes to submit an entry and the time it take for me to render it pointless, bogus or not sucky.)

"The name's Gibbon. Theodore Grant Gibbon, no relation, and we'd like to cast four Anti-Caption votes for..." PO w/da BO (JUDGE'S COMMENT: TG Gibbon is a to this anti cap contest what fertilizer is to a garden. I will not have his [her?] name besmirched)
Land o' Goshen, look at that graph! No wonder Harry high-tailed it outta town.
Patience (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He won't get far.)

"Well, Mr. Radosh, sir, as 'Sarah Supporters for Daniel Radosh' perhaps we can shed some light. Firstly, Mr. Stephen Baldwin is good people..." PO w/da BO (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I feel like Daniel moved away and we're only going to hear from him around the holidays. And Stephen is the Zeppo Marx of the Baldwin boys, I say. )

Well, the way I see it, if you didn't start so goddamned high, you wouldn't end up so goddamned low." Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I include this because it reflects my approach toward life.)

"I told you to use a logarithmic scale on the y-axis, but you didn't listen to me." --Albert(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who ever submitted this cap probably wonders if anyone will recognize the humor. He is also a Mets fans, I'm guessing.)

"Hey Buck-O, we just bought your intellectual property in a fire sale conducted by your senior secured creditor; wipe away your tears, and get the fuck out of here." -- Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This one also includes wonky business-speak and a LBO strategy that has paid for many houses in Scarsdale.)

We'd like to talk to you about refinancin' our mortgage.
Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is more ironic than funny, but it makes a statement about the fragile nature of capitalism and human relationships. )

UNOFFICIAL RESULTS: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #232

Note: Last week was not "my week" to judge the Anti-Cap Contest. What I have included in this post are strictly my unofficial, just-for-the-hell-of-it picks. They have no legal or binding authority (not even in Delaware).
If you have been named as a winner or received an honorable mention here, you have every right to be proud. Still, you should not include this distinction on your resume or bio. If you run for office, it's not cool to tell voters: "I'm the only one in this race who has been honorably mentioned by in the prestigious Anti-Caption contest." And if your survivors want to include it in your obit, they should specify that you had no life the results were unofficial. Keep in mind that this is mostly just something for me to do while watching TV.

UPDATE: In response to a mild tug of modest demand, the unofficial results this week include a value-added interactive feature. After careful research, the name of each winner links to a photo. This feature has been included before and drew scant notice modest praise. To keep it real, I have included an actual honest to goodness photo of me, al in la, that was taken by my wife, Mrs. al in la. I must report that the critter in the shot is no longer with us. We adopted him from a little place in L.A.'s Chinatown that specializes in such things. He's gone now, but I can honestly say we loved that little guy.

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Winner
"If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have brought a cellphone. Now fuck off." --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An Anti-Cap from "Rob" posted immediately before this one said "I'm attracted to men who ignore me so fuck off!" Richard's winning cap may have been a rip off of inspired by Rob's, but it is still much better. It makes a comment about modern life and shallow, self-absorbed people who say mean things to strangers. And isn't that what the Anti-Cap is all about?)

Second Place
"I don't know. Why are any of us here? Who can say? We've been mulling it over for years. The best we came up with is it's probably good to look busy." -- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very philosophical and probably true.)

Honorable Mentions
"Would you mind playing chess with Elvis Costello while I go look for a better cartoon?" --LV (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Made me laugh because the cartoon is kind of crappy and the guy does look like Elvis, BUT the women is NOT playing chess, she is reading a book with a blank cover. Maybe if it said " while I wait for a better cartoon.")

"These parties don't really get interesting until the fucking starts." Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was the first anti-cap posted last week so I thought it should get some props. Also the 6-1 guy/girl ratio seems realistic. From what I've read, sex parties always seem to draw far more guys than gals. )

"The table manners here are obscene." -- gluelicker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It'a dull and it doesn't rhyme with "hours." Also there is no evidence of poor table manners. But it keeps alive a classic so...)

"I'd comment about your not having a mouth, but that'd be a cliche. That happens every once in a while, every time 'Dd' renders a cartoon. So I guess I'll go back to reading my book. Oh, you don't seem to have anything to do. Well, you could hum yourself a little... oops."--gluelicker (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Caps that discuss the quirks of the cartoonist are always welcome. I don't get "hum yourself a little." And even if it is supposed to be "hum to yourself" it's still rather soft, humor-wise.)

"Don't look now but I think the guy next to me listening to 'My Sharona' on repeat is Lenin. I said don't look!" --TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought the headphones guy with the pointy beard looks a bit like Vladimir Lenin and I liked the "I said don't look!" at the end. Also the guy who wrote "My Sharona" died recently (no one really knows his name). So this has all the elements.)

Meanwhile, at the weekly meeting for the Department of Semiotics and Abortion: "Jesus is coming, look busy!" [Just call me Sean Delonas!] --TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am only including this to show that I got it. Delonas is a racist, homophobic cartoonist for the NY Post. I hate his work but I grudgingly do admire his willingness to publish cartoons that are cruel, offensive and widely hated, simply because they are funny. He would have made an outstanding anti-capper if he had not gone the other way.)

Just between us, I'm getting burned out on South By Southwest. I mean, look at these douchebags . . . Roger Kaputnik (JUDGE'S COMMENT: All the totally hip people know SXSW long ago became commercialized and over exposed and this would have been better if Rog referred to it as "SXSW." UPDATE: A comment about this comment from "Glenn" notes that " 1000+ noncommercial and garage bands, and a good 100+ indie films" participated in the recently concluded SXSW. (Sponsors included Miller Lite, Chevy and AOL). My comment was aimed primarily at mocking people who mock everything that attracts an audience larger than this blog. Also, there may have been 100+ indie films but how many were really "good?" )

Al, you really fucked up the last round of judging. That's why we're ignoring you. -- clannish (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can't ignore someone AND obsess over them.)

"How do you do. My name is Ms. Evloret and I've recently lost a lot of weight...and height.-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This refers to a cap contest cartoon from a while back that had a giant woman scaling a building. The first three letters of a big "Chevrolet" sign are obscured, leaving us with "evloret." She has since been known as the "Evloret woman." Again, I just want to show that I get "it," even if "it" is not at all funny or interesting. I have a fondness for the classics.)

Come on, Greed. Give Wrath his white rooks back, before he goes postal on us. Then you can do me, because being an attractive woman, of course I'm Lust. --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference, of course, to the Seven Deadly Sins. Nice imagery but I have a few issues: Wrath is more likely the guy on the computer (bloging, no doubt). Pride is probably playing chess alone while Envy pretends to ignore him. No one here is really fat enough to be Gluttony, and Sloth would be home judging Wrath's entry in the Anti-Cap contest.)

It's amazing how the MTA is always crying poverty, yet can still come through with the WOW! factor on this D train." -- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought it may be a means of mass transit that has captivated these people, but not the D train. Once, on a crowded Amtrak from D.C. to NYC I was seated facing a stunningly attractive woman who was, as it happens, scantily clad. We were face-to-face and knees-to-knees for like three hours. It became awkward as I tried not to stare. This cap made me think of that is all I'm trying to say.)

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dine."
"My hand has just a couple of digits, do you mind?"
"My opponent, Bobby Fisher here, hasn't made a move in years. I fear he may be dead. I will check when I finish this book."
No, Mr. Bond, I expectorate wine.
--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: After a trio of typically banal entries JohnnyB has added an outstanding addition to the "No, Mr. Bond," franchise. It's not just great word play, the image of her spitting wine on 007 is classic. But don't forget the quote marks, Johnny. )

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your head is a clip-on."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: For those just joining us, this references an another Anti-Cap oldie. In case you are wondering: The original cartoon has a bunch of business people seated around a conference table. For no apparent reason everyone has a parrot on their shoulder. One person at the table says to another: "Shut up, Pete. Everyone knows your parrot is a clip-on." Classic.)

"Just think of the irony. Someone in the real world is sitting alone in their little box staring at a computer screen trying to make fun of OUR isolation." -- Jean-Paul (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's been said that sarcasm is the grumpy man's wit. I am guessing this is not the same Jean-Paul who famously said "Hell is other people.")
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"No, Fusilli, I expect you to die. I mean fucking die." -- dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first Bond/Fusilli hybrid. Nice work, dwilk. Would have been sharper if you went with "Mr. Fusilli" and threw in a "you crazy bastard." at the end.)

We're mostly a bunch of misfits who are uncomfortable in social settings. Besides, we all have our five captions in and there's little to do but wait. --A. Capper (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice to see the five-cap rule is being observed but isn't "bunch of misfits" an oxymoron?)

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #231

Note: This week's Anti-Cap contest had more entries than a busy porn star. By midnight Tuesday there were 126 submissions. The system was never in danger of crashing, but this is a pretty brisk level of activity. Typically, Anti-Cap participants are far more lazy restrained then that. This mini-surge is most likely because a doctor commenting on a caveman in a hospital bad lends itself to captions that are cruel, asinine obscure, obvious or irrelevant. In other words, ideal Anti-Caption fodder.
Because of this initial ground swell of interest, I started to narrow down the field on Tuesday. From past experience, I know that as the pile grows so does the stink it becomes more difficult to give each cap all the careful attention it deserves. I realize an inordinately large number of caps are being honorably mentioned this week, but I think people who enter enjoy that positive reinforcement. It turns out there were quite a few caps that were not that crappy. My wife also helped with the sifting. Which is why...
We have a first in Anti-Cap history: A tie for first place. I wanted one cap, my wife wanted another. I thought it best to call it a draw. I picked Walt. She went with Rob. (I don't trust anyone who's name is also a crime.) Here then for your amusement. My picks and two-cents. All the cool kids leave comments.

WINNER (Tie)
The American People are telling me that they want him bankrupted and inadequately cared for.-- Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great insight into the health care debate, Walt. History will recall this as an era when sheep people acted contrary to their self interest if something shiny caught their eye. I truly believe that.)

WINNER (Tie)
"He keeps muttering, 'Forgive them father for they don't know what the fuck they're doing.''"-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My wife thought this was funny and said it should win. She was emphatic, more so than I'm accustomed to. She mutters the same thing when I try to fix things. Then it's not so funny. )

HONORALE MENTIONS
"Look, Em, I don't know what was in the time portal or those slippers, but that thing is part Cairn Terrier and part alcoholic girl from Kansas."--Zeke (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, I get the Wizard of OZ bizarro world thing, I like it. Very clever. But Dorothy wasn't a drunk and Judy Garland was a victim. Extra credit for knowing Toto's exact breed.)

."His vitals are good and once a day we give him spare change."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because that's all these bums want. Insensitive AND funny. Remember if you feed the hungry you are a saint. If you ask why they are hungry, you are a communist. )

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"Look on the bright side. He's still the odds on favorite to fill the Mets' fifth starter position."-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am a lifelong Mets fan so naturally I have that love/hate thing that Mets fans have. I do remember when they really sucked dead dog balls, but I also remember when field level box seats at Shea where $4.50 and Jane Jarvis played the organ. Where have you gone Neil Allen?)

Okay, here's the freak. Now where's my five bucks?-- Austin D (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tarantino's Kill Bill had a hospital worker charge a buddy to have sex with a comatose but still radiant Uma Thurman. She wakes up and kills the SOB. Now THAT'S some funny shit.)

"Oh you know, a shave and an infusion and he'll be good as new, Mrs Reagan."-- TG Gibbon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But he's like totally dead! I've been to his grave site. My wife and I went to the Reagan Museum in Simi Valley not long ago, but on principle we wouldn't pay the admission. We roamed the grounds, browsed in the gift shop and then went to the Costco nearby, True Story.)

Shave and a haircut: five grand."-- mypalmike (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Expensive, yes. But in fairness you also get Jello afterward.)

It's al in la and he had a rough weekend."-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually "lethargic" is more likely. Remember, lying in bed, watching TV and taking drugs is not just for those convalescing.)

"I must warn you, miss. The flowers -- and the patients -- here are obscene."-- Tim (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Unimaginative and uninspired but it keeps alive a perennial anti-cap so I'll allow it.)

The visiting hours here are anthropogene. --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this was Scrabble you'd have to take your tiles off. There is no such word, but "anthropogenic" means "relating to, or resulting from the influence of human beings on nature" so I guess that apples to visiting hours but it doesn't rhyme with "obscene." UPDATE: "Why are you making this an honorable mention?" my wife asked. "Because the effort here is easily seen," I said (to myself).

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“We’ll have him back on his hands and knees in no time.”--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I believe this is more social commentary, but it's hard to say if it's compassion disguised as ridicule or just ridicule. Either way, we are again reminded that oppressed, disenfranchised people who often suffer from mental illness no-good bums are expected to maintain a certain position in life.)

"Your permission to release from captivity, Ms. Goodall?"-- yangxiao (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice try and a good obscure reference, but Jane Goodall was fixated on gorillas, not cavemen. A funnier joke might have suggested this is her husband, boyfriend or, even better, lesbian lover.)

We are now in recovery mode for the intern who gave him an enema.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You have to probe deep, but there is humor here. They go from "rescue" to "recovery" when the subject is presumed dead. So apparently the intern somehow became lodged in the patent's ass [I'm guessing]. Even so, it's more likely to have been a nurse. An intern in a hospital is a freshly minted doctor, not some college kid getting lattes and Xeroxing.)

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Overdosing is so simple even a caveman can do it.”-- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I knew the Geico thing would come up. Maybe this is an anti-drug statement If it's not, Rob is just a lazy thinker.)

"Well, you can hardly blame him for being steamed. Those Geico jokes went stale years ago." -- Kronk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all agree the Geico jokes are old news so why persist?)

He's a caveman, you're easy...put it together."-- Wile E. Chipotle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay, this one is funny because even a cavemen gets to "do" her. I also like the ellipses.)

"Of course he's on IV. Didn't you notice the huge stone letters outside the door?"--Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to last week's cap. I commend Walt for his extensive search to find humor. I had a morphine drip once. )

E. coli.! You crazy bitch! How the hell are you gonna beat that?-- CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why the switch from "bastard" to "bitch," I wonder. But this is actually a pretty good addition to the Fusilli-you-crazy-bastard franchise.)

Name's Fusilli. He seems to be a crazy bastard. We're trying to ascertain how the hell he is.-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This doesn't suck either. )

"Mrs. al in la, all he keeps saying is 'Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. Ha, ha, ha!' Do you have any idea what that means?"-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay, in last week's comment's I miss-stated a riddle that is seldom heard outside of a sandbox setting. Also my wife prefers Ms. al in la. )

"I agree, Mrs. Jack -- if I may call you that. Wolfman has never been the same since disco jumped the shark."-- Talentless (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I protest this! Wolfman Jack [real name Robert Weston Smith, 1938 – 1995] was actually quite debonair. Growing up in Brooklyn, I listened to him on WNBC in the 70's and was a big fan. I only post this cap because it made me think of one of the best DJs to ever spin a disk. RIP Wolf-Baby.)

I don't care if he DID create Mad Magazine - he can use a bedpan like everyone else!--Slack-a-gogo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Excuse me? Once again I must rise [metaphorically] to defend a boyhood hero of mine. Mad's long-time publisher William "Bill" Gaines [1922 – 1992] did have that Grizzly Adams thing going, but he was also genius and a great American.)

"You're just lucky he isn't a 69-year-old who played for a Los Angeles team. They're dying like flies these days."--Elgin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apart from Willie Davis, who twice led the N. L. in triples and died on Tuesday, I am unaware of any other 69-year-old Dodger who was recently dispatched. Basketball great Elgin Baylor, who may or may not have posted this, is still with us. )

I'm consulting with Dr. Allen L. Alien. Multiple anal probes are likely.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Or not. )

The sedatives here? Ketamine.--P. Fizer (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If we had an award for a classic cap that's both appropriate and obscure, this would be a slam dunk. I looked it up: Ketamine is a powerful sedative, as is this contest.)

"I'm going to suggest a treatment plan of radical trichotillomania."--Trent (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As it happens this is very creepy, not really funny and completely illogical: trichotillomania is hair loss caused by compulsive pulling or twisting of the hair until it breaks off. I doubt this is something you can induce in someone. I only include it to encourage the use of big words.)

"I'm afraid your husband has a terminal case of being a fat disgusting fuck."-- t.a.m.s.y(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I asked my wife and she swears she didn't post this, so my only question is why would the women in the cartoon need to be told this by a doctor? Typically the wife is the first to know this kind of thing.)

We just call him "re in er."-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm not sure what the "re" means but I think "er" here is "emergency room." It is a play on al in la so I have to give it some props. In the off chance that anyone gives a shit, the name originated when I used to call in to a local late night radio talk show. The host would refer to me as "al in la." It stuck, I guess. I use lower case because it creates an understated graphic symmetry that I find consistent with my zen-like persona, which is occasionally interrupted by bouts of angst. Yes, my first name is indeed Al, and I do live in L.A. So there.)

Strange. Since he’s been here I have an overwhelming desire to renounce my identity, stop shaving, let my hair grow, sell the Porsche, step out of the handmade John Lobbs and trade my Brioni suit and tie for filthy burlap. And now he is muttering about medical school, stock options, condos and refers to HIMSELF as Dr. Trevor Prescott and to ME as Og. And he laughs.-- TimR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted at the stroke of 8 on Saturday night. The premise is that the physician has been transformed into a Yankee fan neanderthal, and vice-versa. It makes no sense and it's not really funny, ironic or even edgy. The brand name dropping is impressive but, realistically, it brings nothing to the party. But I think Tim put some serious effort in this and I want encourage that. Indeed, he came well prepared, but unfortunately his presentation was not up to contemporary professional standards. His anti-caption lacks the range of tonal color necessary to make it consistently interesting. Full time consideration of another endeavor might be in order. )

Come on in, Mrs. Winchler..." mypalmike (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This refers to a New Yorker Caption Contest cartoon from Dec. 06. It has a suit and tie guy behind a desk talking on the phone. Next him is an identical desk that's vacant. A name plate that says "Winchler" is prominent on both desks. I bring this up because my entry in the Anti-Caption contest that week was a fucking slam dunk: "Of course I understand management's productivity goals for the new year. So I guess they also assume adding another toilet will increase the number of times I take a shit." Didn't even get a lousy stinkin' honorable mention. Any idiot can get an honorable mention. Wanna know what won that week? "T.A. Winchler Name Plates, Ltd. Greg speaking." I knew someone would have take over this contest, so I made a few calls and had Radosh hired as a scribe for some TV show. If you have read all the way to this point please leave a comment saying "so." Thank you and good night.)

Unofficial Results: The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #230

Here, once again, are my completely unofficial Anti-Captions results rendered strictly for entertainment purposes. Harry, the other every-other-week-judge, is charged with determining the real results for last week's entries. This is not meant to second guess him or undermine the prestige that comes with being an ANti-Cap judge.
Speaking of entertainment purposes, I am writing this while watching the Oscars. I've never been a big fan, but my wife is glued to it. Says it's her "Super Bowl." So what am I gonna do? I find Oscar night more tedious than interesting (like the Pro Bowl, say). It's lengthy, sappy, predictable and self indulgent--which of course, describes the Anti-Caption Contest most weeks. In fact, the similarities between Oscar and the Anti-Cap are hard to ignore. Consider Robin Williams' lame joke about an Oscar after-party dubbed the Governor's Ball. It was, he said, "just one of many balls being held all over Hollywood tonight," He was making a crude double-entendre about a man's scrotum and perhaps a comment about either gay sex or the Hollywood power structure (maybe both). This is standard Anti-Cap fodder. In fact many of the jokes were juvenile and tasteless enough to be Anti-Caps. The Oscars may have full-length gowns and massive security, we have that crazy bastard Fusilli and the unflappable JohnnyB--underneath we are all the same.
As for the cartoon, I just want to say I found this image listless and unimaginative. A guy tooling around Rome in a convertible with over-sized roman numerals looming ahead--so freakin' what? I don't see irony. I don't see anything that lends itself to ridicule and sarcasm. With the exception of the Super Bowl and an occasional crossword clue, Roman numerals are almost completely irrelevant. My plea to New Yorker cartoonists--and believe me, this blog is a must read for them-- is simply this: give us something we can demean and mock work with. Cynicism is a dish best served bitter.
Having said that, there were a few clever caps. Here are my picks along with my two-cents. I have made a slight change. My wife and maybe three other people Long time readers will notice that I am labeling my comments as "al in la's COMMENT:." This is not only more accurate because I'm only a judge every-other week; this may help increase brand awareness, such as it is. Please leave a comment, dirty joke or a question.

WINNER

"So, I guess cost overruns killed this off-ramp."-- yangxiao (al in la's COMMENT: This cap made me think of New Jersey because it's riddled with corruption and the exits on the Turnpike are its most notable characteristic [like Mount Rushmore to S. Dakota]. I could see Jersey building huge and ridiculously overpriced exit signs. It's one of the few caps that took a stab at explaining why these big-ass numbers would be positioned along the road side. Nice work yang!)

SECOND PLACE
"Andy Capp in Roman Holiday"-- Leah (al in la's COMMENT: The image also made me think of Andy Capp, an enduring cartoon stripe about a hard drinking, jobless Brit who also has a line of junk food. Capp's has been around since 1958 but at best it is only slightly funnier (and a few years older) than Family Circus. I guess that's Flo in the passenger seat.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Listen, when we get to IV just keep driving and don't even look at the girls." -- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: this is funny because Isla Vista, or IV, is the city where University of California Santa Barbara students live. It is known for its insane partying, property theft, and an insanely high STIs/person ratio.)-- Brian L (al in la's COMMENT: This is the first Cap in history that was submitted with a preemptive JUDGE'S COMMENT. As it happens, the comment truly does explain why the cap is witty and clever. I have no idea if the info is legit or if Brian is mocking me, but I was impressed.)

"Because VII VIII IX! Ha ha ha ha!"-- Glenn (al in la's COMMENT: This was explained to me by my wife. It's a riddle. Q: "Why was ten afraid?" A: "Because seven ate nine." It was one of sevral caps last week that required the reader to convert Roman numbers into the real numbers. My wife liked it [she also picked Sandra Bullock to win Best Actress.] I did find the "Ha, ha, ha, ha" a bit unnecessary. )

Well, that's another week of hard driving, but I suppose the prize will go to some pedestrian again.--Sorrel Loser (al in la's COMMENT: This is an inside joke aimed at expressing dissatisfaction with a previous winning Anti-Cap. [See? I'm following.] What I find hilarious is that the person submitting this thinks there is some kind of prize at stake.)

"I brought you to a couple of digits- do you mind?" -- LV
(Edit of above):"I brought you along a couple of digits- do you mind?" -- LV (al in la's COMMENT: This is, of course, a new take on the classic Anti-Cap, "I brought along a couple of midgets..." There is no "you" in the sentence, so LV managed to screwed it up both times. He deserves credit for his persistence.)

"Eleven. Exactly. One louder."-- Nigel Tufnel (al in la's COMMENT: A reference to the guitar amp in the classic film "This is Spinal Tap." I once again want to give credit to someone for thinking something that I was also thinking.)

The hours here are all I've seen.--JohnnyB (al in la's COMMENT: I'll buy it. I get the impression anything close to "obscene" is okay with JohnnyB.)

"We must have passed the XXX theater. Dammit!"-- Glenn (al in la's COMMENT: I saw three X's too, Glenn, but I thought adult book store. Are there really any adult theaters left?)

"Little known fact, Honey, the Romans stole their aqueduct plans from the Polish"
-- Stanley Kowalski (al in la's COMMENT: In honor of Oscar night, I too have a Polish joke: Q: How did the Polish actress try to get ahead in Hollywood? A: She fucked a writer." )

It's not exactly Canton, but all of the old Super Bowl numbers are retired here.
-- CRC (al in la's COMMENT: Very, very lame, but a lame cartoon gets what it deserves. I'll assume this is just CRC being passive aggressive.)

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to I.-- JohnnyB (al in la's COMMENT: I floated "expect you to multiply" but this is not as bad as that. )

No, thanks, I just VIII.-- JohnnyB (al in la's COMMENT: Get it? It helps if you know VIII is "eight" and that "eight" sounds like "ate." Just another homophonic joke from JohnnyB.)

“Where do we XIT?”-- Rob (al in la's COMMENT: I would give this more respect if I knew for sure it was also a comment on this awful cartoon.)

Thought to self, "In more ways than one, I'm heading the wrong way for any double-D action."
-- LV (al in la's COMMENT: I believe double-D is a reference to large sized breasts--which are coveted by men in sports cars. Since he is driving toward the lower numbers, he is moving away from the Roman numeral "D" which, represents 500. Apparently the woman he is driving with either has normal sized breasts, or is adverse to having them fondled. So, the poor bastard behind the wheel is unlikely to see any "DD action." Here's the problem: D is 500 and M is 1,000, so for the sake of Roman numerals, there is no logical use of a "double D". It would be like saying VV instead of X. I don't want to be a jerk about it, but I do give this stuff some thought and I don't like to Google for no reason.)