The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #229

NOTE: The average age of the nine members now on the Supreme Court is 68. This is not an age commonly associated with the exchange of bodily fluids (outside of I.V. tubes in a clinical setting, of course). Also, while this drawing depicts the current Court, the obvious question is "Who has put pubic hair on my Coke? "Where's the black guy?" Indeed, Justice Thomas--already the whitest black man since Charley Pride--appears absolutely Caucasian here. (I believe he is third from the left, between Roberts and Ginsberg). Maybe this is a political statement. Maybe the New Yorker really does have a No-Blacks-in-the-Cartoons rule (as we have long suspected.) Thomas once famously said his critics "run the risk...of undermining institutions that we need to preserve our liberties." So the freedom to express your disgust for this man is best preserved by not doing so. Got it.
Also, symbolic (maybe) is the placement of John Paul Stevens as a vague figure all the way at the far end. J.P. will turn 90 on April 20 and is widely expected to soon retire. (And if you think that's old. Led Zepplin's John Paul Jones turned 64 last month, which is like 109 in rock n' roll years.) My point is there are a lot of subtle things going on here. Naturally, the image of high and mightily judges lounging in bed after sexing it up gave us plenty to work with. In a break with tradition, many of the Anti-Caps submitted last week are smart and funny. "An outrageous array of farcical fun " is how I put it if this was a movie review, which it is not. This is far more important. Once again, I have included a photo link for the entrants here and added a comment. Please leave your comments validating or diminishing my efforts. --al in la

WINNER
"At least 5 of us are going to need you to provide us with your best oral presentation skills, if you know what I mean." -- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works because most lawyers would blow Satan to win a SCOTUS case. Pushing it over the top is "if you know what I mean." Also reminds me of this riddle: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead." Nice work Glenn.)

SECOND PLACE
"You're here early." -- Francis (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Concise and clever. Made me laugh out loud. I realize this could be disqualified on the grounds that it could win the "real" contest. Next time add a 'fuck" somewhere.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"For a second there I thought I'd walked in on the proceedings of the SEC." -- Lugar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: All you need to know is this: Many of the SEC staffers who regulate Wall St. hope to get jobs on Wall St. showing firms how to weasel away from the SEC. Is this a great country, or what?)

Despite the fact that the 9 Supreme Court justices were lying in state after the latest terrorist attack, the attorney could not help but stand at the lectern and pretend to address the Court. --NJ to TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I too thought it looked like a wake after the entire Court was wiped out. Fun fact: Because he went first, George Washington appointed 11 SC judges--the most of any president.)

"It's great to see that a few bushes remain in politics" --Sarah (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very crude, Sarah, but I guess "assholes" would have been too obvious.)

"I learned a little trick to calm myself down if I get nervous. I just imagine you're all naked. Also I imagine Clarence Thomas doesn't exist." -- t.a.m.s.y. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I imagine him playing Danny Glover's evil twin.)

"If it pleases the Court, may I at least close the curtains?" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of lame but you'll notice the curtains are definately open. Nice eye for detail Tim.)

"I get it -- Clarence Thomas is actually white!"--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe the cartoonist is black and feels a deep sense of shame about Thomas. That's my best guess.)

"I guess you're wondering why I called you here today."
(The universal caption that will now appear on every single cartoon until the end of time.)
-- JOSHUA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What Josh lacks in creativity he makes for with his unflinching loyalty to a cause.)

Here's a play on that instant classic: "I guess I'm wondering why you all called me here today".
-- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here's a comment on your caption: We don't need the intro. Just give us the cap, J.C.)

I suppose you were slumbering when I called you here today. -- Instant Classic Re-mixer (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Slumbering" sort of rhymes with "wondering." So...)

"You're just a bunch of napping-headed hos." -- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Napping" sounds a little like "nappy." This also recalls a racist remark uttered by radio has-been, Don Imus. After he was forced off MSNBC, he later emerged on, you guessed it, Fox.)

I guess you're wondering why I called you all queer today. --CRC (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Roberts does have his arm draped around Thomas, but Thomas does not appear to be pitching a tent.)

See also: America: (The Book) pg 98-99 --Austin D (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One page has the judge's robes and the other has them standing in the buff. Readers are asked to "restore their dignity by matching each justice with his or her respective robe." The take away: Sandra Day O'Connor [now retired] has a nice rack and Clarance is hung like a mosquito. )

“Justice Scalia’s possession of the remote comes with inherent power and responsibility to raise and lower the beds as he deems appropriate.” -- Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rob tries to sound all lofty then he throws in a term like "comes with." How about "establishes certain inherent powers..." But this cap does address the fact that the beds are titled up.)

"Jeez, if only Meese could get a load of THIS." -- Yangxiao (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As attorney general, Edwin Meese put together a "commission" to prove that the porn industry produces dirty pictures. Included on the panel was one Father Bruce Ritter who was forced to retire when it was revealed he was having sex with teenage boys left in his care. In fairness they were very cute.)

"If the love glove doesn't fit, you must aquit!"--Johnny Cockring J.D., R.I.P. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Love glove," of course, is slag for condom. Lucky they can be stretched to accommodate even an Anti-Cap Judge.)

"Scalia, you crazy bastard!" -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He is also a smug, arrogant, hypocrite who trumpets liberty while almost always siding with the State over the individual. When the Court ruled that it was legal for gays to screw in private, Antone's dissent huffed that “the court … has largely signed on to the so‐called homosexual agenda.” He is not just a crazy bastard, he is an evil and dangerous bastard. Nice call Kathy!)

"fucked silly, you crazy bastard!" -- Auntie Susie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I am troubled by the lower case "F" but this is pretty creative.)

"The lawyers here are obscene." -- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is the opposite of creative but lawyers are low hanging fruit.)

'Next on the docket is Anti-Cappers v. Effron. You will review his decision on week #228, specifically, "I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today," and rule on his fitness to remain on the bench. --Court Bailiff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I object! Granted that one cap is a bit pedestrian , but why WOULD the sheriff call them there? Answer me that! And wouldn't "Courtney Bailiff" have been a better fake name? )

I'm Al from LA. Relax, I'll handle the judging this week. Incidentally, you don't intimidate me. I once spoke to Raquel Welch.-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I like even those Anti-Caps that are designed to demean me and trivialize my life's work, IF they are funny. But PLEASE "al in la" is lower case. And for the record I met Rocky on several occasions when she released a her workout video. )
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